Belonging

by Maria Bernard

  “Unloveable. You heard me correctly.”

  “Oh, Crispin, you’re so wrong.”

  “Am I?” he asked. “My own mother didn’t love me. She gave me away. If that’s not evidence enough, explain to me why no one has ever loved me or wanted me around for long.”

  “Crispin, I don’t know what happened but you can’t know for sure why your mother gave you up. Maybe she didn’t have a choice.”

  “Oh, come on. I don’t believe that for a minute,” Crispin argued. “These are modern times. Even twenty-two years ago, she would have had a choice. We don’t live in the Victorian Era. My life isn’t a chapter in one of your books. If she wanted to keep me, she would have found a way!”

  “Still, there are other factors to consider,” she stressed. “Have you ever tried to find your family?”

  “Family?” He balked. “Oh, please, spare me. All I know is I have a giant hole in my heart which can never be filled. No matter how much I want it, love doesn’t want me.”

  Speechless and way out of her league in the face of such anguish, Gwen could only rest her head against his chest while she digested all this information. What could she possibly say? If she told him she loved him, right then and there, he might think she were only saying it to make him feel better. For whatever reason, she felt such a declaration seemed trivial and untimely in the wake of his despair.

  “See? I’m no literary hero,” he said as he laughed sarcastically, shaking his head. “I’ve nothing to offer you but a messed up shell of a person without a past worth knowing. You’ll figure it out if you haven’t already. Better to wipe the fantasy out of your mind before you get too attached to the idea that anything will come of this agreement of ours.”

  “Agreement?” Gwen repeated. His turn in tone and choice of words stung. Had she mistakenly come to believe he felt anything beyond lust for her? The realization hurt and what he said next confirmed her fears.

  “Yeah, you know, sex in exchange for my company,” he said, his voice cold and icy. “Which is kind of a joke, really. If you ask me, you’re actually not getting much of a deal at all. Don’t get me wrong, the sex is great. If anything, I’m the winner here. But I’m not good company at all. Sorry about that. I would have spared you the disappointment had you not forced yourself into my life.”

  “Okay, so now you’re being hurtful on purpose,” Gwen said, tearing herself away from him. “That, I can’t handle.”

  Damn… Crispin kicked himself, watching her storm off. He should just let her go. She would be better off. Yet the thought of not having her near tore at him worse than anything he had experienced before. With a shake of his head, he ran after her and took her hand. He may be a glutton for punishment but it was never his intention to hurt her.

  Gwen only allowed him to hold her hand because she honestly didn’t think she would survive the rest of this trip on her own. She would have an anxiety attack sooner or later, and without him, she would be lost. Ultimately, she was stuck with him, misery and all. Sure, her heart went out to him. She felt awful for what he had been through, but that was no excuse to let him talk to her like that.

  “Forgive me,” he said after a moment of walking silently beside her. When she ignored him, he stepped in front of her, refusing to move until she looked at him. “Hey, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

  “Well, you did,” she said. “I hope you’re happy now. And I’m sorry I imposed myself on you. Had I known you’d hold it against me the entire trip, I wouldn’t have come.”

  “Well, I’m sorry I even brought it up,” he said. “But in a way, it’s true and we both know it.”

  “Know what exactly?” she asked with a frown.

  “That the sex is great?” He winked at her. “In fact, I’d even go as far as to say… spectacular? While I suck at my end of the deal, you, young lady, have outdone yourself.”

  “Are you trying to piss me off?” she asked.

  “No, actually, I’m scrambling here,” he said with a apologetic smile.

  “Well, scramble harder!” she shouted.

  “Gwen, I’m not being hurtful on purpose. I’m just… Oh, I’m awful at this relationship stuff.”

  Something in his voice and the way he looked at her, melted her through. “No, you’re not at all bad at it,” she argued. “You’re actually quite good at it, or at least, pretending you are. But then again, maybe it is just about the sex for you.” She paused, overwhelmed. “But for me, well, you know it’s more than that.”

  “Do I?” he challenged. When she looked about ready to slap him, he drew her into his arms. “Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry I said all that.” Unable to resist, he tugged her hair back, angled her face up and gave her a reassuring kiss. He had known it ever since the moment on the plane and again when she called what they did together, making love. If he weren’t a selfish bastard, he would have put a stop to this, whatever this was, right then and there. But try as he might to deny his spiralling feelings for her, he couldn’t. “I’ve known for a while.”

  Chapter 26

  In a desperate attempt to make things right with Gwen, Crispin flagged down a taxi and had the driver drop them off at a pub near the Lemon Tree Inn. He could tell she was done with walking if not with him. If he had his way, he would have taken her directly to their room to apologize the best way he knew how, with his tongue. As it was, though, he didn’t think she would be up for it… yet. In the meantime, food and wine would have to do.

  Gwen was aware of the fact that she had rattled Crispin. In a way, it comforted her to know he cared what she thought, even if just a little. She knew how she felt about him, but he hadn’t yet conveyed the depth of his feelings for her. Even though, she had initially signed on for this so-called agreement, his untimely reminder that their relationship was just a convenient, mutually beneficial arrangement, a friends with benefits, sex for companionship deal, the whole thing had lost its appeal. In the taxi, sitting beside him, Gwen berated herself for believing she could keep her heart out of the bargain. And now, since she had indeed fallen in love with him, all she could think about was how she would feel when they went their separate ways upon their return to Canada.

  When they arrived at the pub, Gwen was grateful for the dimly-lit ambiance since she didn’t think she could keep from tearing up much longer. From the moment they arrived, though, Crispin had made up for his recent insensitivity by fawning all over her. Not for a second, was he not touching or soothing her in one form or another.

  “I do care about you,” he whispered in her ear at one point. “Very much… maybe even too much.”

  Perhaps it was the wine and the desperate lilt to his voice, or maybe because he was just so irresistible in his vulnerability, Gwen couldn’t stop the giggle from escaping her.

  “You laugh?” he said with mock indignation. But her smile only brought forth one of his own and he was glad she wasn’t sad. None of this was her fault.

  “Oh, Crispin, you are such a contradiction.”

  “That I am.”

  After an hour of Crispin’s undivided attention, and unrelenting affection, Gwen was about ready for anything with the seductive Goth. It was all she could do to keep him from having his way with her in the secluded booth in the back.

  “I don’t know what to think,” Gwen said after they left the restaurant, her knees like jelly.

  “Don’t think.” He shrugged, having had the forethought to stop in the shop on the corner for a bottle of red wine.

  “I’m already looped from the wine at dinner,” she protested when he snuck into the breakfast room and snatched a couple of glasses. “You might take advantage.”

  “Oh, come on,” he teased, rushing her into their room and locking the door. He placed the bottle and glasses on the night table. Turning to her, he stalked her like a cat with its prey. “Tell me you don’t want me.”

  “Oh, Crispin, I can’t.” She giggled when he caught her and shed her of her clothes, piece by piece, until she s
tood naked in front of him. “You’re taking advantage of a woman under the influence of alcohol.” Nervous, she wrapped her arms around herself.

  Watching her, he couldn’t help but smile. When she blinked her bleary blue-grey eyes at him, he couldn’t keep away if he wanted to.

  “Here’s the thing.” Picking her up under her butt, he pressed her bare back up against the wall and smiled at her inebriated face. “While on this trip, I own you.” He nodded at her to drive the point home. “No matter what, I own you. If I feel like fucking you, I will.”

  “Right.” She giggled, resting her arms around his shoulders. “Since when?”

  “Since you agreed to it, or have you forgotten?”

  “Oh, right, this again, of course. I haven’t forgotten, Master Crispin.”

  “Much better. So, what do you say?”

  “Does it matter?” she asked with a breathy whisper.

  “Always…”

  “Okay, then what are you waiting for?” She winked then added, “Make love to me, Master Crispin.”

  “Cheeky monkey…” He chuckled, pressing a kiss to her brow. Clearly, she was not letting up on her terminology for what they were doing, no matter how he tried to swing it. Filled with an odd sense of hope, for whatever reason, he ran with it.

  “Aren’t you going to tie me up?” She giggled when he playfully tossed her onto the bed.

  “Want me to?” Reaching for his belt, he slowly undressed and quirked an eyebrow. When she shrugged shyly, he knew she did. “Right here on the bed, though, on your back. I don’t think you’re sober enough to tie up to the door.” Taking his belt, he tugged her upright, wrapped it tight around her wrists and flung her onto her back. He then stood still as if in thought. “If I had the right equipment, I would spread your legs apart and tie them down.”

  “We could pretend.” She quite eagerly spread her legs and waited for his next move.

  He couldn’t contain the smile her boldness brought forth. The girl clearly did trust him and that again gave him hope. “Hmm… as temptings as that is… I have a better idea.”

  Running both hands over her flesh, he flipped her on her belly, causing her to squeal in surprise. Unable to resist, he gave her ass a playful slap to which she squealed yet again. He then positioned her head up by the pillows, lifted her upper body to rest on her elbows, her bound wrists in front of her. He next grabbed her hips and lifted her butt up in the air.

  “Hey, what are you up to?” she asked, looking over her shoulder, suddenly unsure.

  “Never you mind,” he said from behind, warming his hands on her ass cheeks. He then feasted his eyes the gorgeous offering in front of him. Unable to keep away, he knelt behind her, grabbed her thighs and spread them wide. Ready to claim her, he pressed his hard length against her with barely contained restraint.

  By now, a nervous wreck, Gwen trembled with anticipation. For all of a second, she feared he might be too rough. Would he just take her like this without any– “Oh, what are you…” The next thing she felt was his face, his warm wet lips between her legs. On his back, with his arms looped around her hips, the crafty Goth had slid up underneath her and was now torturing her with glorious squirm-worthy inner thigh kisses. “Oh… so good.” Before long, his lips found their way to that most sensitive part of her body. There he worshipped her with his mouth, his lips, and his long elegant fingers. “Wow, that is…”

  “Delicious,” he answered for her between relentless flicks of his tongue. “Addictive.”

  Gwen had never experienced anything quite so intense as this. She so badly wanted to make it last but he was slaying her with each perfectly executed drag of his hot tongue. And if that weren’t amazing enough, what he did with his musician’s fingers was just unfair. She was a quivering hot mess, and before she saw it coming, she was hit with an orgasm so strong, she thought she might disintegrate.

  So enthralled was Crispin with his face in such a beautiful place, he couldn’t get enough. He’d had plenty of sex before, tasted many a lady, but none as sweet as Gwen. He was sure, he could die happy right there. Death by drowning in juices so sweet would suit him just fine. What more could he ask for? What more could he want? With that vision in mind, he pressed her down, squeezing the fleshy cheeks of her ass so tenaciously, it caused her to yelp.

  The sound caused him to relax his grip, smoothing his hands over the same area. “Forgive me. Did I hurt you?”

  “Hurt me?” Seconds later, he was kneeling behind her, soothing the red marks he’d made. “No, Crispin, that was amazing.” Eager for more, she pressed her butt against his thighs as he reached for a condom on the night table.

  Unable to resist, he then lined himself up, and after a couple of beautifully executed forceful nudges, he entered her.

  “Oh, yes, yes,” she cried at his most welcome intrusion.

  “So fucking hot,” he growled in response. Leaning over her, he wrapped his arm around her chest, resting his head on her shoulders. She was perfect in every way. Never had he felt this level of intensity and desire with another. He was fucked and he knew it. “You’ll only rip my heart out.”

  “Crispin?” Hearing him, she tried to turn but he stilled her and pressed her back down.

  “No! Just fucking stay as you are.” With his hands on her hips, he then once again started to move, thrusting greedily into her body, slamming his thighs against her.

  After a few punishing thrusts, Gwen didn’t know what to think. She shouldn’t like this so much. But the harder he went, the hotter she got. Before long, she came apart, a helpless rag doll in his arms. Seconds later, he tightened his grip on her hips and came inside her before finally collapsing exhausted on top of her.

  Silent minutes passed before either of them moved. Eventually, Crispin got up with much reluctance and went into the bathroom. When he returned, he grabbed the bottle of wine, the glasses and poured them each a cup. He then scooped her up onto his lap and sat up against the headboard with her cradled into his chest.

  “You okay?” He pressed a kiss on her temple, held her close, stroking her hair.

  Gwen could only nod. She was so overwhelmed with emotion and afraid to speak. He then offered her a glass of wine. With her wrists still bound, she accepted it, however awkwardly. “Aren’t you going to untie me?”

  “Not just yet.” He took his glass and clinked it against hers.

  “What are we toasting?” she asked after taking a sip.

  “Our reunion, after all these years.” Taking the glass from her, he then proceeded to offer her sips from his, taking one for himself in between. “In a way, you’re my oldest friend. The closest thing I have to family.”

  “Wow…”

  “Wow, is right, in more ways than one,” he said with a sigh. “What are the chances? It kinda blows me away.”

  “Yeah, that is something, isn’t it,” she said with a smile, relieved to hear he was happy about it. She had been worried it might complicate their relationship somehow. “I can finally thank you properly.”

  “Thank me?”

  “For saving me from those mean boys.”

  “If only I’d gotten there sooner, you would’ve kept your clover.”

  “It’s kinda funny and weird that your last name is Clover.”

  “Is it?” he asked.

  “Well, it’s quite the coincidence, don’t you think?” She giggled.

  “Not really,” he said with a shrug. “Actually, I should be thanking you for that. You and your clover made such an impression on me. I never forgot it. As soon as I could, I made it my last name.”

  “What?” She turned and blinked at him, surprised.

  “Well, why not? It’s not like I had a proper surname. Just some random name assigned to me, Hewson or Johnson, or whatever. I can’t say for sure because I don’t even remember. All I know is from that day forward, I named myself Crispin Clover and never looked back. At sixteen, I made it official, and here I am.”

  “But you kept your first
name, Crispin?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “I kinda always like my name for whatever reason.”

  “I’m glad you kept it. I like Crispin, it’s different.”

  “You mean weird,” he said with a wink.

  “Unique,” she corrected him. “Wow, this is a lot to take in.” She exhaled, resting her head on his chest, her head spinning from it all, not to mention the wine.

  “Welcome to my messed-up life.”

  “I have so many questions, but I’m getting sleepy,” she confessed. “Plus, I don’t want to upset you.”

  “Go ahead, ask me anything.” He shrugged. “Blame it on the wine, but I find myself in a rare chatty mood. Besides, I haven’t much to tell. I have no past. No family to speak of. You’ll get bored rather quickly or fall asleep listening.”

  “That’s just so sad.”

  “It is what it is. Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t want your pity.”

  “Not pity, but it kinda breaks my heart, Crispin. If you would only untie me, I’d give you a big old hug.”

  “And that is why I haven’t.” He chuckled and held her tighter. “You’ll have to settle for me hugging you.”

  “That only makes more curious,” she said.

  “How so?”

  “Well, you’re so affectionate,” she explained. “You’re so giving, and attentive to me. Yet you hate being touched. You don’t like it when I touch you.” He nodded as she spoke and his patience impressed her yet again. “At first, I thought it was your way of seducing me, but it’s not only leading up to sex. It’s all the time and especially after sex. You’re so thoughtful with the way you hold me, like right now.”

  “Would you rather I get up and leave you be?” he asked. “Am I smothering you?”

  “No way!” she said. “I love this about you. I just wonder why you’re so good with me?”

  “Because… I like you, and because none of it’s your fault.”

  “What’s not my fault?” she asked, curious.