Belonging

by Maria Bernard

He took a deep breath before speaking. “My issues are not your fault, and just because I’m fucked up doesn’t mean I should take it out on you. You’re a sweet and loveable woman and deserve to be treated as such. Besides, I can’t keep my hands off you.” He gave her a squeeze.

  “Don’t you deserve the same?” She giggled when he nipped at her earlobe. As cozy as she was in that moment, in his tender embrace, she couldn’t help but want to know more about him. Ever since discovering he had grown up in foster homes, she had gotten it in her head that maybe his aversion to being held had something to do with abuse. Perhaps he had been victimized and it broke her heart to think it but it would make sense if that were the case.

  “I apologize if I come across as clingy,” he interrupted her thoughts. “It has been known to happen.”

  “No, you’re more cuddly than anything.” She giggled when his shuddered at the word. “You know what I mean, my sweet cuddly Goth.”

  “Well, that’s a new one,” he said with a smile. “But I never said anything about not liking you touching me.”

  “But whenever I try, you pull away. And last night when I hugged you, it was like the end of the world. Then today at lunch–”

  He cut her off mid-sentence with a kiss. “I’ll probably regret this,” he said with a sigh, gazing into her eyes. “But I can’t fight you off any longer.”

  “Regret what? Did something bad happen to you? You can tell me.”

  “It’s nothing like that.” He rested his head on hers, lightly stroking her arm. After a moment’s hesitation, he undid the belt and released her wrists. “Go ahead, do your worst.” Resting his back against the headboard, he closed his eyes as she wrapped her arms around him and laid her head on his chest.

  “I only want to hold you.” She pressed a kiss over his heart and tightened her grip on him. He was as stiff as a board for a painful minute but she refused to let him go. It felt good to return the affection, to be on the giving end. Just like the night before, he let out a borderline painful whimper before giving in. Wrapping his arms around her, he held her impossibly closer.

  “It’s not about me not liking your touch,” he said tightly. “It’s the opposite. I want it so much, I crave it.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  With a laboured breath, he attempted to explain, “Growing up the way I did, without love, without affection, it did something to me. It left a mark, a giant hole in my heart which can never be filled. I’m a walking open wound vulnerable to infection at every turn.”

  “Infection?” she repeated, confused. “From what?”

  “Love…”

  “You think of love as an infection?” she asked. “Is this the Goth in you speaking?”

  “I’m afraid not,” he said with a sigh. “This is my reality speaking.”

  Gwen could only frown. “Oh, come on, Crispin! Please stop.” He was killing her with his words, yanking on every last one of her heartstrings, and the wine induced haze only made it worse. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard!”

  “It’s the truth, Gwen! It’s my truth.” In an effort to silence her while he got the words that weighed heaviest on his heart out without interruption, he cupped his hand over her lips and waited. Only when she nodded, did he again speak the phrase that he’d held inside forever, never before spoken aloud to anyone else’s ears.

  “Listen to me carefully… Love, much like a human, is parasitic in nature. It makes you crazy with want of it.”

  “Crispin…”

  “No, listen, while I have it in me to speak of. Normal people receive love the moment they are born. Their mother takes them in her arms, the baby receives unconditional love. When you don’t experience that, you’re essentially lost. Think of love like a disease, such as the flu or small pox. If you’ve never been exposed to it, or had the vaccine, then you’re basically fucked.” Only then did he remove his hand from her lips.

  “Whoa… are you saying, you have no resistance to love because you’ve never been loved?”

  Unable to respond, he nodded in silence before finding his voice once again. “Worst part is, I am an unlovable human being.”

  “That’s impossible!” she protested, refusing to accept his point of view. “Just how drunk are you?”

  “Then how would you explain my existence?” he growled in response. “Why is it no one wants me? Why is it I can’t have a normal relationship? Why am I so easily cast aside?”

  “Wait… is this about the bracelet?” she asked. “Or the girl you bought it for?”

  “Sort of, yes, but it goes way back,” he explained. “Gracie was just the last straw. I’m not angry at her. She never made me any promises. I was the fool who wanted to force our casual relationship into something more. Being around Becky and Kell made me realize how much I wanted what they had. Then Dorian showed up with Heather. Now they can’t keep their hands off each other. Keegan already left once because of a girl.”

  “Oh, Crispin…”

  “The whole point of this trip was to go off on my own, to get used to being alone,” he forged on, determined. “Then you come along and ruin it with your eyes of blue-grey. Try as I might to keep this casual, I’m failing miserably all over again. Only this time, I won’t survive it, I just know it.”

  “You don’t know that.” She hugged him tighter but before she could say anything else, he started up again. Not wanting to interrupt, she kept quiet.

  “No one ever wants me for long. Once you find out how hollow I am, you’ll toss me away like everyone else. Gwen, you’re not the first woman to cause me to let my guard down. I’m my own worst enemy. I have no natural defence against forming attachments with people who only end up tearing my heart out when they leave. As hard as I try to be cold and heartless, I fail every time. I’ve known you for what? Less than a week and I’ve already fallen for you. What does that say about me?”

  “Uhh…. well, it’s been an intense couple of days, and I’m trying very hard not to take offence to that, given the circumstances.”

  “Please don’t. Whatever this is, between us, it’s more real than anything I’ve felt before. Only I’m afraid to believe it. I’m afraid to allow myself to think it.” This time it was Gwen who cupped her hand over his mouth. With much reluctance, he gave a small nod.

  “What I was going to say is that even though it seems impossible, you still have hope. Somewhere along the lines of your childhood, you must have encountered a tiny bit of love because if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be open to it or give it so freely.” Removing her hand, she then kissed him and smiled into his sad eyes.

  “In reality,” he said pensively, “I should be a cold-blooded psychopath, unable to form bonds, or feel empathy. Perhaps that would have been easier, not to care. It wouldn’t hurt so much.”

  “Don’t you ever say that again or even think it!” Shocked, she grabbed his head between her palms and glared at him. “You’re the complete opposite. When you push me away, you’re only fighting your true nature.” Her eyes softened when he met her gaze. “That’s probably why it hurts so much. When you try too hard to be what you’re not, you become that contradiction I mentioned earlier.”

  He flashed a melancholy smile at her thoughtful expression. “You’re too perceptive, too smart. Which makes you even more dangerous. You’re unlike anyone I’ve met before and I don’t know how to keep you out of my heart. All I know is I’m tired, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “Just answer me one more question so I understand.” When he nodded, she continued. “Do you like being held or not. Are you afraid of being held?”

  He slowly shook his head and took a deep breath for courage. “I don’t like it. I love it.” His voice came out a mere whisper but she held onto every single word. “I crave it. Can’t get enough of it. It’s what I want more than anything. It’s why I fight the urge to give into it.” The entire time he spoke, he stroked his fingers through the strands of her dark hair. “I’m not afraid
of being touched or held. I’m afraid of getting accustomed to it, addicted, knowing I’ll be without it soon after.”

  She let his words sink in before asking her next question. “So then, is the bondage thing just to keep me from holding you? Because you think you might get used to it and you’re afraid of not having it later? If I decide to leave you?”

  “When… not if you decide to leave. It’s all just a matter of time,” he whispered with a smile of surrender. She was tired and starting to drift off. It didn’t surprise him. He had a way of wearing people out. “Smart girl, you’ve almost figured me out. But it’s more than that. Besides finding bondage sexy as fuck, there is another reason of which I’m completely aware.”

  “What’s the reason?” she murmured sleepily.

  “To keep you from leaving me,” he explained.

  “Ohh… but…”

  Once again, he cupped his hand over her mouth. “See, I love the control, the security I have during that moment. I feel I can let my guard down without the fear of abandonment hanging over my head.” He slowing withdrew his hand from her lips. “Crazy, I know.”

  “It’s not crazy at all,” Gwen murmured. “It makes a lot of sense.”

  “I suppose… so there you have it. I’ve opened up my deepest, darkest fears to you. You have my messed up heart and soul on a silver platter. Do with them what you will.”

  “You have a beautiful heart, Crispin. And a lovely soul.” She nestled into him further, so relaxed was she.

  “Right, we’ll see about that when you wake up in the morning.” Sure enough, she would wake up and realize he wasn’t worth the bother. “Once the wine buzz clears and reality comes crashing through this fictional fantasy of yours, you’ll see me for who I really am.” When he paused to look at her, he smiled and chuckled lightly. She had fallen asleep, just like that, no cares in the world. How much had she actually heard? Exhausted from having spilled his guts, Crispin pulled the covers over them both and drifted off as well.

  Chapter 27

  The next morning, Gwen woke up and found herself alone. She sat up in a panic and checked the time. It was almost noon! Feeling awful and headachy from the wine, she got up and made her way into the bathroom. Showering as quickly as she could despite the hangover, she scrambled to get ready. Where was Crispin? Would he have gone off without her? Maybe he was upset from all he revealed last night and needed to spend the day on his own. Even though he had every right, she couldn’t help but be hurt by the idea that he wouldn’t have, at least, left a note. Or did he? With that in mind, she wrapped a towel around herself and fled the bathroom.

  At the very same moment, the room door opened and she jumped, clasping her towel. In walked Crispin, already impeccably dressed in black, hair perfectly wavy, carrying with him a little paper bag and two cups of hot beverages on a tray.

  “Hey, looks who’s up.” He greeted her with a half-smile. Unable to sleep, he had gotten up at the break of dawn, gotten dressed and had ventured out for a long walk. He hadn’t gone too far. He had already stopped in twice. Finding her asleep both times, he had been reluctant to wake her.

  “Oh, Crispin, you scared me,” she said with relief.

  “I can be quite scary.” He averted his eyes from her loveliness. “Sorry for startling you.” Assuming she would want nothing to do with him after last night, he had already convinced himself that their little love affair had come to an unwelcome end.

  “No, not you, exactly.” She giggled then held her head. “I thought you might have taken off on me.”

  At her words, he frowned and scoffed. “Listen here, young miss, I may be accused of a lot of things. But I do not break promises or quit my responsibilities, ever!”

  “Crispin?”

  “Gwen, just stop.” He held up his hand. “We have a deal, don’t we? I agreed to be your companion and that’s what I’ll do,” he said, glaring at her, his eyes roaming over her loveliness, filling with regret. “Oh, and forget the rest. Let’s just get through this trip with some dignity.”

  Unable to cope with his hurtful words and dark mood, Gwen sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her temples.

  After a moment he turned to her. “Headache?” he asked after a taking a few calming breaths. When she nodded and continued to cling to her towel, he took her tea and croissant and placed it on the night table. He then rummaged through his travel bag and returned with a couple of painkillers and sat beside her. “Take these, you’ll feel better.”

  When she held out her shaky little hand, he placed them in her palm and waited while she took the pills and a soothing sip of tea. He counted the little beads of water still on her shoulders from her recent shower. His eyes took in the way the long chestnut waves curled up at the ends. Taking a deep breath, he took in her familiar sweet scent. Unable to resist, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek with his thumb.

  “So, what’s on the agenda today?” he asked.

  “I don’t feel up to much,” she said quietly, shoulders slouched.

  Damn… now he felt awful for lashing out at her. But in truth, he had expected her to retaliate a little. He hadn’t expected her to back down quite so easily. Gwen was unlike Becky in that respect. He missed the spunky dormouse and the way she wouldn’t take his shit. Gracie, well, she would have just laughed and walked away. But as he looked at Gwen, he realized, she was different in a lot of ways, and her submissive personality was what he had found so appealing. It’s why they jelled so well. It’s why he’d fallen for her in the first place. It’s what set her apart. He would miss her. He already missed her. Truth be told, he had already lost his heart to her. His only hope was to get through the rest of this trip without losing his mind as well.

  “Nonsense,” he said, reaching for her itinerary in the bedside drawer. Flipping to the appropriate date, he read her neatly written notes. “Hampton Court… good lord…”

  “We don’t have to go,” Gwen said with a sigh. “It’s too late in the day anyway.”

  “Come on.” He placed the folder back in the drawer and gave her naked thigh a playful slap. “Get dressed, have your breakfast, and meet me outside. We have a riverboat to catch.”

  ***

  It was another sunny day and everything should have been perfect, the scenic riverboat ride along the Thames to Hampton Court and the tour of the Tudor Palace was everything Gwen expected it to be, yet both she and Crispin were quiet and withdrawn through it all. To be honest, she wasn’t even sure what his problem was except maybe he was feeling awkward after last night. She might have asked, but she wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind. All she could think about was what he had said that morning. It had thrown her. She thought they had gotten closer, when in reality, it felt like they had grown apart.

  For most of the day, Crispin avoided direct eye contact with her. It wasn’t until they stopped to read a plaque about Henry the Eighth did he finally open his mouth.

  “Selfish prick, I’d be lucky to have one wife. But I suppose when you’re the King of England…” he snarked and walked away in disgust.

  It wasn’t quite the place she wanted to start, but she was just glad he was speaking at all. Catching up to him, she took his hand. When he stopped and stared at her as if she were crossing a line, she smiled sweetly and said, “Whoever you marry will be the lucky one.”

  “Right, as if anyone would marry a nameless bastard like me.” Freeing himself of her grip, he turned and stalked away

  “I would,” she whispered, but he was too far off to have heard. “Without hesitation.” With a sigh, she followed him all the way back to the river to await the next boat.

  On the way back to London, they sat outside in the open section of the deck. Gwen purposely sat across from him, hoping for some form of eye-contact. When all he did was turn his head to watch the passing scenery, she visibly deflated and was about ready to give up on any possibilities of a lasting relationship with Crispin after their return to Canada.


  As Big Ben came into view, Gwen found herself in a state of melancholy. This was their last night in London. They should be celebrating and toasting the event with wine, dinner and a night of passionate lovemaking, yet here they were, acting as if it were the end of the world.

  When she next turned her attention to Crispin, she found him looking at her with such sadness is his dove grey eyes. Unable to keep away, she got up and went to him. She wasn’t sure if he would reject her, but she was done with doing nothing.

  She shouldn’t have worried. The moment she got close enough, he caught her and brought her close to stand between his knees, holding her by the hips as she swayed with the motion of the boat. Placing her hands, unafraid, on his shoulders, she then ran her fingers over his long wavy hair. He rested his head on her chest and let out a deep sigh. The words he spoke next, she would never forget.

  “Coming to England was my last attempt to come to terms with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. But then you ruined those plans with your eyes of blue-grey.” He paused and gave a great sigh. “You’ll leave me one day, just like the rest. But unlike with the others, I won’t survive the loss. Because even though, I’ve fallen in the past, what I feel for you far outweighs anything I’ve ever felt. Gwen, you’ve broken down the last of my barriers, seated yourself within my soul and tangled yourself around my heartstrings. When you go, you’ll only rip me apart. I won’t survive it, and it scares me to death.”

  “Oh, Crispin.” She rested her head onto his, overwhelmed. It was then when she decided to put aside her own fears and say the only thing she could. “Would it help you to know that I love you?” When he said nothing, yet clung tighter to her and held his breath, she said it again. “Unlike all those others, who’ve come and gone, I, Gwen Mathewson, am in love with you,” she declared. “Crispin, my lucky Clover.”

  “Don’t toy with me,” he murmured into her chest.

  “It’s the truth. I have fallen hopelessly in love with you. I love you with all my heart. So very, very much. Not just as a friend. Not just for the sex, even though, I must admit, the sex is spectacular.” She remembered to use his word and giggled when she felt him smile, his hands tighten around her hips.