May be! I Love You

by Kuldeep Sarvaiya

  “I suggest you talk with Parikh sir. He surely will guide you on this. Have you used university email id to send the magazine.”

  “Yes, I am doing that from the very first issue of the magazine. Even I visited each batch to get volunteers for a magazine. Jaydeep will talk to Parikh, sir, as he is a counselor of Jaydeep. I will talk to my counselor.”

  “Look, man, I don’t like this. I told “you” to visit him, not Jaydeep. So better you go and meet him. Just talk to him.”

  “Okay, I will talk to him. But I think it’s better if we all go together. We can put our ideas in front of him in a better way. Don’t you think so?”

  “Okay, done. I will come along with you.”

  “Sure. Just notify me when you have time. We will continue magazine till April issue.”

  “I am ready when you are. I wanted to ask you one thing for a long time. Don’t take me wrong, but I think other volunteers are not helping in the magazine, are they? I don’t find articles from anybody else except you. What do they do then? Do you have to write all the articles about the magazine?”

  “The answer would be yes. By far, it’s you and Nirav, who send me articles regularly. Other is part of a team but are quite lazy. Ankita sent me articles and photographs for the magazine. I have to continuously tell the rest of the people to do their part of the job regularly. This is the part I hate the most. I don’t like prompting people every other day to do their job.”

  “Hmm…… I am getting your point. You are doing amazing work; please keep doing it.”

  “Yeah, sure. Thank you for solving my headache.”

  “Mention Not. Talk to you later now. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  About one month passed in simple “Hi-Hello,” and another issue was out. It was my birthday, and again that sweet “blip” sound notified me that Anamika messaged me.

  “Hi. Happy Birthday.”

  “Thank you very much.”

  “The issue this time is awesome. Great work by you.”

  “Well, it's great work by us all. Great work by the whole team. Congratulations to you too.”

  “Thank you, but the main contribution was yours. Hats off to your work.”

  “Okay.” And I put a sweet smiley in the chat box.

  “Oh, finally, you smiled. I thought you were kind of serious guy who never smiles.”

  “Are you kidding me? I smile and laugh a lot. I don’t know why people think I am a serious guy. You won’t find a jolly person like me anywhere.” And the conversation ended.

  Our exams were near, and so everyone was busy reading in their free time. I wanted to finish the magazine in advance so that I can read for the exams. I, Jaydeep, and Jignesh were going towards the library, and I saw Anamika outside the reading room.

  “Hey, you have a minute. I need a quick conversation with you about the magazine.”

  “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

  That was my first encounter to talk to a girl in face to face manner, so I didn’t notice that we were standing in front of the gents’ toilet. People say that the first impression is the last, but maybe I didn’t know that phrase. It was hard for me to make eye contact at that time. Instead of looking in her eyes, I was looking continuously at her pink sandals. I don’t remember what dress she had that day, but I clearly remember the size and color of sandals. She noticed me looking at those, but she ignored. I was nervous as hell and didn’t know what to say and whatnot.

  “So, I want you to finish two articles this time so that we can prepare well during exams.”

  “Okay, no problem at all. I will send it to you by tomorrow evening. I have finished one already and finish one by tomorrow. By the way, what was the number of readers last month?”

  “Don’t ask me. It’s horrible. The graph is going down the issue by issue.”

  Before I open up more on this topic, I found her noticing her wristwatch. So I wrapped up my conversation.

  “Oh, yes. You were busy with something right. You might have to study. Please carry on with that.”

  “Oh, No ...No! I was adjusting it. It’s nothing like that. We can talk a bit if you want to talk more.”

  “I am not offended at all. We were going to the library, and I saw you so stopped by to inform you this much. We are in a hurry, as well. Bye.”

  She went to the reading room, and we went to the library. In this whole 5-minute epic conversation, I made eye contact for 20 seconds and stared at her sandals for the rest of the time. I always heard the stories that sandals are the primary weapon of girls. One wrong sentence and you will face the wrath of a girl. So as a part of personal protection, I kept my eye on that. We entered the Library and sat in the corner so we can do our usual chit chat. We held books in our hands and looked at each other. We never used the library as a reading place. We used it for our private conversation and secret sharing. Jignesh started the conversation.

  “She is a nice girl. I like her. I want to befriend her but don’t know-how. Please help me.” Jignesh said.

  “She? You are talking about who exactly?” I replied.

  “Idiot, I am talking about Anamika. We share the same counselor, and so I knew her very well. I have a crush on her from the very first semester. But she never talks to me. I want to befriend her. Do something. You know her well. So you have to help me. You can’t do this much for your friend.” Jignesh used his emotional blackmail weapon.

  “Are you kidding me? I hardly know her. I have a working relationship only. She sends me articles for the magazine, and I publish them. That is all. You want to befriend her, then go and ask, as simple as that.” I replied.

  “I knew it. You are no real friend of mine. You never help me with anything. If it were that simple, I would have done that a long time ago. I feel shame now in calling you, my friend.” The intensity of blackmailing increased.

  “Okay fine. I will help you. I will try my best. Now shut up and concentrate on reading.”

  I ended the conversation there, and we got busy reading. I had my eyes in the book, but the mind was thinking about the conversation I had with Anamika. I knew I ruined the conversation. So I decided to improve my conversation skills. In chatting even, I suck while talking with a girl. I hate my limitations, irrespective of its type, so I decided to overcome it. Usually, ordinary people join coaching class or practice in front of the mirror to improve their communication skills, but I was no normal. I started checking dating sites and adult forums. I kept surfing facebook for hours and read the comments made by others. From one of the adult forums, I found that using the “Messenger” service; we can chat with anonymous people without sharing our private information. I find it exciting and started collecting email ids of a different person to talk. Initially, it was hard for me to hold a conversation active for 10 minutes, but then I took advice from those experienced chatters. I spent almost a week on this thing and sharpened my chatting skills. I was so deep in anonymous chatting that I learned a lot that how a boy makes fake id on the name of a girl and chat with other boys, how to hold a conversation for a long time, and make sarcastic comments and lot more.

  It was vacation time, and I spent most of my time watching TV instead of using a computer. I used to check my emails, and one day I got mail from Anamika. She mentioned that she wants to resign from the magazine. She will no longer be able to provide articles for the magazine. I replied that I accept the resignation, but in the future, if she wants to join back, she is welcome. About a month later, I was surfing on Facebook, and she messaged me.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “I am fine. I was wondering why you resigned from the magazine.”

  “I thought you wouldn’t talk to me again after my resignation. I can’t explain to you the reason for resignation in words, but all I can say is I am not getting enough time for myself. It’s a complex situation for me right now. I am under a big burden. I am sorry.”

  (I thought, are you kidding me? I mean what kind of logic is this, I am not getting ti
me for myself. It’s like you are giving an appointment to yourself that buddy I am going to spend time with myself for a whole one hour. I will play cricket with me in the evening.)

  “I am not that mean. Why would I stop talking to you for such a small reason? We are adults; we no longer have that liberty. Only children can stop talking for no reason and start talking for no reason within a few hours. They are pure of heart while we have an ego, attitude, and other problems. So we have to think many times before making such a mistake. By the way, I think a few months ago, I was about to discontinue the magazine, but someone convinced me not to, and I can’t remember the name now. Can you help me?”

  “I am still telling you to continue magazine. You are a genius. I respect very few people except my three best friends. I have seen people who talk a lot but don’t do anything. You are the one who acts without saying a word. I will join when I sort out my problems. Give me some time.”

  “Whoa…. Whoa…… whoa I feel like a celebrity. I can’t force you to rejoin the team. I just wanted to know the reason behind your resignation. After all, I am an Editor.”

  But before the message reaches her, she was offline. After about two hours she came back. Yes, I was surfing on facebook only for those two hours.

  “Okay, Mr. Editor. I got it. Say what else is going on.”

  “Well, lots of things are going on, but if I reveal those, you will start praising me again, and I don’t want that. I think you might want to join us back by this time. We already missed you a lot.”

  “Why do you want me back in the magazine? I am not open-minded like you, so I can’t tell you what problem I am going through. I need some time for myself. You will find so many better volunteers; why you want me?”

  “Only you were an active volunteer in the magazine. I can’t afford to lose you as well now. As far as the better one is concerned, I don’t know when I will find one. Also, Old is gold and has experience as well.”

  “You always have answers ready for everything. I think you will ace in the group discussion part during the interview.”

  “I don’t think so. I find difficulty in talking during viva even. I am poor in face to face conversation.”

  “Viva is a different thing. In a group discussion, once you start talking, none can beat you for sure. As far as face to face conversation is concerned, I know we don’t talk much in class.”

  “Yes. I am under treatment for this. Soon I will be able to overcome this problem as well.”

  “That is good. Who is treating you?”

  “I am treating myself.” (Obviously, I can’t say that I am getting treatment from adult dating sites or blind chat over Messenger, so I lied.)

  “Can you treat others as well?”

  “Yes. Except for a few natural diseases which are mostly treated by doctors, I can treat others.”

  “So, can you treat lack of self-confidence occurring very often?”

  “At least I can try. So we are talking about a lack of self-confidence, right?”

  “Yes. One is occurring very often.”

  “I would suggest you close your eyes at those times and think about the happiest moment of your life.”

  “Then?”

  “If the problem not solved, do it again. ”

  “But I can’t think of anything at that time.”

  “Don’t get me wrong, but have you ever won any competition?”

  “I won during school days, but in college, still unlucky. In one competition I was among the top 5 out of 130 presenters, but didn’t get the prize.”

  “Okay. Your case is quite different than I imagined. Let me do it another way. I will ask you questions, and you have to answer them. So when was the first incident of lack of self-confidence?”

  “When I was in fifth, during my first elocution competition.”

  “Second……. How you felt while having a lack of self-confidence?”

  “I felt horrible. I always thought that I could have done better than this. I am never satisfied with my performance at the end of the competition.”

  “Third…. What do you think while performing?”

  “I will give my best. I am not here to compete with others; my competition is with me only. Whatever the result might come, I will face it.”

  “So this proves that you have courage and self-confidence both. The only problem is that you are not satisfied with your performance because you didn’t get the trophy.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So don’t call it a lack of confidence, it is lack of satisfaction. I recommend you not to be satisfied with your performance; it reduces the chances of improvement. I have made a tagline for myself, “Death is the only point at which I will be satisfied because satisfied man is of no use to society.” I think you are smart already, all you have to do is bring some positivity.”

  “I am no genius like you.”

  “See, this is your problem. You consider yourself inferior to others. You have a severe inferiority complex.”

  “I think my problem is something else. I can’t trust anybody. I trust my closest friends and family. I don’t trust anybody else. I trust books only because they were there when I was alone. Books are awesome.”

  (Believe me, you need guts to say these lines on the face of the person, and it takes more guts to continue talking after getting such response.)

  “I agree there that books are awesome. But humans write those books, so ultimately, you trust the views of that person. Isn’t it?”

  It was just a simple question, but I think I asked in the wrong way. She was offline after reading that message. After that, we didn’t have any such long conversation, but she started providing articles within one month. I was worried about the readership of the magazine and utterly frustrated. I was checking some new profiles (If you know what I mean), her message popped up.

  “Hey, Aditya, what is going on?”

  “Frustrated and exhausted today.”

  “Oh! I just wanted to tell you that I saw the 9th issue of the magazine today. It’s awesome.”

  “Seriously, you read it? I thought soon people would start forwarding SMS and facebook status joking about the magazine.”

  “Joke? What kind of jokes?”

  “The jokes will be like these three people found reading Protyle magazine in the library; President announced to give “Bharat Ratna” to all three.”

  She burst in the laugh on reading this. After about 5 minutes, she replied.

  “Oh my god. I am laughing like anything right now. It’s good to know that you can joke on yourself. If you commented this joke on my face, then I would have laughed so hard that you regret saying it.”

  “That’s the funny part about me. I never regret my deeds. Anyways I have to sleep now. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  After all these conversations, we used to talk more often and for a more extended period. Our topics used to be most random in the world and go from anywhere to nowhere. It was the last semester of my graduation, and I was enjoying it at its best. We had a final year project last semester, so we used to discuss it, used to talk about the GPAT exam for masters, and what to do after graduation. I wanted to go for a job while she tried to continue her studies by going for masters. She told me so many times that I should go for higher studies as I have potential. Competition at the international level was declared in our college where final year students or masters and higher-level students can participate. I had a medicinal chemistry exam the next day, and so I was busy searching for material for it. I started downloading pdf books and opened facebook, Anamika was online, so I messaged her.

  “Hi! How are you?”

  “I am excellent. How are you?”

  “I am fine too. So you still stick to your decision of doing M.Pharm?”

  “Yes. I am kind of stubborn, you know. Once I make a decision, I stick with it.”

  “Oh, that is good. So, in that case, we are going to be rivals.”

  “I don’t think so. E
ither I have friends or nothing. By the way, how are we going to be rivals?”

  “Well, I am going to give the very famous GATE exam for master’s degree under the biotechnology field, and you know, once biotechnology will have its grip on the market, medicinal chemist won’t get a job anywhere.”

  “I know you have a thing for biotechnology, but you are still daydreaming. For the next 20 years, there is no future for biotech. Only Anil Ambani can afford biotech derived drugs and therapy. I bet you, for the next 15 years, ’ biotechnology won’t be available in India. Here people don’t get food two times, and you think they can afford your product. That is the height of daydreaming.”

  “I accept your bet. Just name the prize for the winner, and our bet is on.”

  “No…..No……No. I am not going to have bet with you. I always lose the bet. We won’t have any bet if Modi wins the election, else we have the bet.”

  “O hello! I am not purchasing Life insurance that you start listing the number of terms and conditions for it. We are having a bet.”

  “Listen if Modi wins the election, then we are not going to have any bet. That person can do anything. He has that potential.”

  “Don’t change the topic here now. Our bet is on, and I am going to find you no matter where you are and have my treat because I know I am going to win. So prepare yourself.”

  “I don’t think so. I mean, what will be our age then?”

  “Well, I am going to be of 35 then, and for my prize, I can do anything.”

  “Are you 92 born?”

  “Nope, I am 93. Why?”

  “In that case, I am going to be 36 by then. I am an elder than you.”

  “Oh, a massive #Respect for you then.”

  “You always do like this. I wanted to ask you what are you going to participate in a conference or not? Are you going to make a poster in the biotechnology subject? But instead of that, you just started talking on this bet thing.”

  “So sorry. Is it going to be a team representation or individual work?”

  “Go and check on site. Do you think I have opened the inquiry counter about the conference?”