May be! I Love You

by Kuldeep Sarvaiya

  March started, and it was the month of my birthdate. I managed to convince her for a little party after college hours in the college canteen. They don't serve candlelight dinner there, so it was just the "Samosa party." Finally, the day arrived, and since it was my last birthday in college for me, I decided to celebrate it in college (I used to celebrate all at home with my family). Jaydeep and Naman brought cake, and thus we utilized free lecture for a birthday celebration. I was busy collecting documents for thesis submission, even on that day. Since I invited Anamika for the "Samosa Party," I thought of including her even for cake. I went looking for her and found her sitting in the library with ten other girls from my class. Yes, she was a typical bookworm, and you can always find her in the library during her free time. For the very first time, without making any second thought, I went in there and said: "Cake cutting is there in the mini canteen, and you all are invited." Again that typical jealous teasing noise of "ooooooohhhhhh" broke the calm environment of the library. Before I can feel more embarrassment, I left the library and returned to the mini canteen. Within 5-10 minutes, Anamika and the other 10-15 guys from my class reached the venue.

  I remember the days when the birthday celebration used to be non-violent and free of any physical harm. People use to gather, sing songs, cut the cake, and depart. Recently celebrations are going brutal day by day. You can't differentiate whether they are celebrating the "Poor Victim's" birthday or beating the shit out of him. The frustration they had during the whole semester was showered on me in the form of all kinds of violence. The cake was rubbed on my face in such a way that even I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror after the tragedy was over. I bet you might have never read such a depressing description of a birthday celebration, except it was for the unborn girl child. I was not able to taste a single piece of cake, but half of the cake was wasted in decorating my face. I went straight to the washroom to clean the mess. People provided me with face wash and shampoo and everything, and I was like, "Are you a beauty product salesman or college student?" I just came out of the washroom by cleaning everything, and Anamika just took her chance to make the mess again. She slammed cake on my face again and just laughed like Little Girl (Yes, I am partial in expressing feelings for guys and girls. I am softer for girls).

  "I just cleaned everything. Why would you do that?" I said.

  "There was no room on your face for me to apply cake, so I did it now." She replied and gave a devilish smile.

  Half of the boys around us were awkwardly silent, and they had confirmed the idea of what was cooking between us. After all these signs, one can expect that something is going to happen today. The college was over, and thus Anamika and I headed towards the main canteen where the "Samosa Party" was supposed to happen. We prefer walking, and we did the same that day, but it was silent walking. I paid the money and took a coupon for two plates of samosa. I never liked the samosa of that place, but she was fond of it, so eventually, I ordered the same. She already told me that she was going to give me a gift on this birthday, and I was excited, just like you are right now. I brought the samosa to our table and sat on the other side of the table facing towards her.

  "Close your eyes. I am about to give you your birthday gift." She said. (No, she was not going to kiss me with my eyes closed. The canteen was full of other people. You guys use your brain too much.)

  "There is no need for that. Just take it out and give it to me. It's wrapped in shining gift wrap, isn't it?" I replied.

  "You want your gift or not? If you do, shut up and follow my instructions." She said.

  I just turned around so that she can do her thing, and I can see my gift. She brought beautifully designed pages with colorful writing on it. She expected a tremendous surprising look on my face, but that's not me. I turned a few pages, gave a gentle smile, said thank you, and put it inside my bag.

  "I will read it later tonight. Samosas are waiting for us." I said, closing my bag. Inside she was like, are you kidding me? You didn't even bother to look at all pages? You care more about these stupid samosas than my gift? But she didn't even utter a word like this and started eating. During the whole 2-hour duration, there was an awkward silence between us most of the time. We hardly talked for 15 minutes during that time. We departed at 6 o'clock in the evening, and I started reading the bound volume Anamika gave me a gift. I was excited to read it since the whole time long, but my facial expressions are always dull. The bound volume was made using pure white papers, colored with pencil colors, and writing was done using different color sparkling ink. There were smiles on the front page, and the title read as "Anatya." It looked like "Love letter," but this was no 1980's. I read the whole 20 pages in one sitting after a very long time and enjoyed reading each word of it. She included her experience with me as a friend, out facebook chats, and many other things. The challenge for me now was to preserve this gift and save it from other eyes, which might become a danger to our secret. The volume was all about our friendship and once again you might be disappointed.

  Nothing happened on my birthday, and thus I had no hope that there is anything like a special feeling between us. The "Friend-zoning" was in trend during that time, and I had a feeling that I was "Friend-zoned." I might have to attend her marriage with a smile on my face and do other preparation for auspicious marriage ceremony (This is a movie plot for 1/3 Bollywood movies). After about four days of my birthday, we were having a normal conversation about life and other things. Like I mentioned earlier, our conversation goes from one topic to another in a flash. She was asking me about my requirement for the "ideal girl" I want in my life; I was asking for her provision. It might be around midnight, and we were finishing our lab journals by copy-pasting.

  "I have a list of top-notch boys who might be good for you. You can choose any from that list. They all almost meet your requirements. Since I am your best friend, I must find the right man for you. I will be worry-free after that." I said.

  "How about you being that?" She replied. (Yes, this is happening in real life. No need to pinch yourself.)

  For a few moments, I was awkwardly silent and in another dimension. I didn't know this was coming (Actually I knew it was coming. I wanted to know her answer, and that's why I was making a plan for the last four days, but still it's something which cannot be expressed in words). I stopped writing the lab journal, looked at the screen again and again. I took deep breaths a couple of times, but still, my brain was showing "Not responding" error.

  "Wait a minute. Are you asking me the same thing which I interpreted?" I replied to confirm what I just read.

  "Yes, I am asking you the same. I mean, you are the first person with whom I became comfortable so fast. I like you, and thus I am asking you for the same." She replied confidently. (At least I thought so).

  "Okay. Well, I think now it's my turn to reply to you." I replied.

  "Yes."

  "Umm. Well, my answer would be, "Maybe yes." Let me explain to you this. See, the biggest issue is cast difference between us. I don't know if my parents will agree on this or not. I feel the same about your parents, as well. I mean, I am not saying you "No," but I can't say full Yes as well. I don't want you to feel betrayed later on after 3-4 years that I didn't warn you. So think again carefully and then decide."

  "Well, from my side, it's pretty clear. I did what I felt like doing. The ball is in your court now. Take your time and give me your decision. I made my side clear."

  "I know, and it's not that I don't like you. I feel the same for you, but this is a big decision about life. Once I give you my commitment, I want it to be rock solid. So I give you time to rethink the whole scenario again, and I have already had my side clear. If you think you are okay with little risk in it, and you will be able to handle the situation from your side, my answer would be "Yes." Till then, let's keep it as "Maybe Yes" and take time to think."

  "Okay. There is a medicinal chemistry exam tomorrow morning and haven't read a word yet. Better we sleep now, or else we m
ight end up sleeping during an exam."

  "Yes. Goodnight. See you tomorrow morning."

  I was not able to sleep until 4 a.m. I hardly slept for like 2-3 hours and got ready for college. I was waiting for her as I wanted to see the expressions on her face. I just wanted to see her after all that happened last night. She came, and I was stunned. She was wearing a green T-shirt with black stripes on it and Denim jeans. She avoided eye contact with me but had a big smile on her face. The class was the same; people were identical, but everything was feeling different on that day. Before more butterflies trouble my stomach, the professor came for an exam and rearranged our seats. She was sitting just two benches behind me in the next row. The papers were distributed, and we started writing on it, but the smile from our faces was not going at all. I was thinking about the same thing since I haven't read a single word for the exam. The same might be the case with her as well because we both were struck with the same lightning rod. I finished my paper early and looked back, she was smiling with blush but again avoided eye contact. For the rest of the day, even, we avoided eye contact but looked every 30 minutes when she is not seeing me and vice versa. After all this, I was sure about one thing; there is no going back from this step. I went back home, and we resumed our conversation.

  "How was the exam?" This is what I came up with in the first message.

  "It was okay. I think I will pass." This is what every girl claims, and when the result comes out, they ace the exam. Medicinal chemistry was her favorite subject, and I knew she is going to ace it.

  "So, what is your final decision? Are you sure about that?" I asked.

  "Yes, I am sure. I think I will be able to handle my parents. Your parents are your responsibility. I won't say a word if you aren't able to convince your parents for marriage. I will move out of your life quietly." She was keen on her reply.

  "Okay, if you say so. Let's do it. We like each other mutually, so our parents will agree ultimately after a few clashes. We have to be strong during that phase, and it will be easy. I am clarifying this now as I don't want a "reusable relationship." Once we are in this, we have to make it through all difficulties. If you are unsure about any phase of life, I still warn you not to go deep in this." (Girls will be like, "Awwww, so cute. It's tough to find such nice guys now a day." My answer to them will be, "Sorry, but I am occupied. Stop hanging with douches and give a chance to some calm one as well, or else you might end up having 3-4 versions before you are finally tied up with rich NRI or Doctor.")

  "As I said, I am sure about my side. I asked you, so my answer is, "Yes." You are the one who said, "Maybe Yes." "

  "But I explained to you my reason for saying it, right? Stop taunting me on things that I already explained to you. Since we have very little time together, we should make the most of it now. We are not sure where will we be after two months and a few days. So how about staying late at college and spend some time together?"

  "Seem alright to me, but I can't stay beyond six o'clock. I have to reach home by 6:15, no matter what. The question is, where do we meet?"

  "The main canteen. People usually sit there after college, and it's crowded so that no one will doubt. We will have something if we are hungry, or else sit and chat. To date, we have avoided face to face talk, but since we are into this, we should break that barrier."

  "You are right. We talk about anything and everything here, but feel awkward when we are standing in front of each other."

  "So it will be a dating period from tomorrow onwards. We are having a date tomorrow evening after college is over."

  I spent the next day in college, waiting for 4 o'clock. As per the agreement, we went separately to the main canteen and met at a decided place. We chose not to eat samosa and give a chance to ice cream this time. The cafeteria was too crowded, and there was so much noise, so we started walking towards the cricket ground. It was freshly made, and there was lots of grass on the periphery of the circle. We sat there for about 10-15 minutes and enjoyed ice cream (The hunger dominates romance). As soon as the ice cream was over, love started. She wanted to touch me, and so do I. I slowly took her hand in my hand, but I was filled with awkward emotions from inside. I was not sure whether to hold her hand or not, but I did it with closed eyes (She didn't notice that because her eyes were closed as well).

  "Is my hand shaking or yours?" She said with closed eyes.

  "Let me check. It's yours." I replied.

  Her hands were shaking like she had an epileptic episode in hand. She had Goosebumps all over her body (It's just an assumption based on Goosebumps I saw on her hands. I didn't verify it on the whole body. Readers' discretion is advised). I burst in the laugh on seeing it and made fun rest of the time. It was just the first touch, and she had Goosebumps, I imagine what might happen if I hugged her. She opened up a little bit after first touch, but it wasn't official yet since we haven't said those three (Magical) words to each other. She claimed that since she asked me to be with her, so it's now my turn to propose her. She always had a dream that some boy close to his heart should propose her. She was disappointed because I didn't do it and she had to take the lead. Now since I had to say it first, I took three deep breaths first and then closed my eyes. This time she was laughing at me, but I ignored it.

  "Ummmm……aaaaaa…..Ummmm. I Love you." I said. "Finally, I said it. Now it's your turn to answer it. Haha. Now I will see who is laughing."

  Her chicks turned pink, and she was not able to maintain eye contact anymore. Every time she blushes, her chicks have pink tint on it, and that is the cutest thing I have ever seen. From that day onwards, I always try to make her blush so that I can enjoy my moment of joy. She looked down, holding my hand; her grip became strong, and then she replied to my proposal, "I love you too." The relationship was official now, and she was closer to me after that. It was about to be 6 in the evening and time to say goodbye to her. I walked her to her vehicle and came back home. Like our tradition, we discussed our chat again on chat messages and derived several conclusions out of it.

  It became a daily ritual to meet after college at main canteen, get one ice cream for each and then walk up to cricket ground. The dating was going great and we seem to have many similarities between us. We tried our best to keep it private, and we were quite successful (At least we thought so). The exams were over, and it was time for their results. These results were going to decide my future, and thus it was quite necessary. I am lazy, and therefore it's a tough task to wake me up in the morning on time. One of our lady professors used to make people stand in front of the whole class if they enter the class after she comes. She used to have the first lecture in the morning on Friday's and unluckily, I used to get late on Friday only. Continuously for three weeks, I was standing on the front side, near the blackboard, listening to her lectures, and taking notes. People used to give me a funny look, and I used to smile back.

  The GATE result was about to get declared on Friday, and I arrived late again on that day. She made me stand for the fourth time in front of the class, but this time it was different. People in the class knew that the result was out today, and I appeared for the exam. Each one of them was interested in knowing my result more than I do.

  "I got 51, and Jaydeep got 41 in the exam. How much did you get?" Jignesh whispered with a witty smile on his face.

  "I don't know. I didn't have time to check my results. I will check my result now." I replied.

  "Are you kidding me? What is your roll number? I will check it now."

  "I don't know. Do you think I bother about remembering my exam seat numbers? I don't even remember my SIM 2 number. I will have to look into my exam receipt."

  "Okay fine. Let the lecture get over. We will check it then."

  As soon as the lecture got over, a big crowd surrounded me, and my eyes were on my mobile. I started my internet on mobile and opened the result website. I qualified for the exam with good marks. My All India Rank was 512, which is quite good for me as I haven't read a single wo
rd for the exam. People started congratulating me one after another, and Jayesh finally revealed that they reversed the marks. They had 14 and 15 marks and was not able to qualify for the exam. They just wanted to give me a burn, but Their trick didn't work. The crowd faded, and I went outside to make a call to my parents to share the good news. I came back, and the lecture was about to start, but the professor was not that punctual. I looked at Anamika, and she was already looking at me. She nodded her head with an expression saying, "What is your result?" and I nodded my head, saying, "I cleared it." The level of understanding is too damn high when you can finish conversation just by nodding your head in different ways. Most of the others were busy chatting with one another, but Jaydeep noticed our conversation. The lecture started, and we got busy counting time till the lecture was over (That's what students do when lecture start. Out of the batch of 60, only 20% are interested in lecture and rest are just counting time). There was a habit among classmates to visit the washroom as soon as the lecture is over, every hour. Anamika came to me and congratulated me like a typical classmate and asked whether I informed at home or not? I said yes, I did, and the conversation ended.

  The understanding between us started growing day after another. The typical romance was there, which society considers as "Pure," but there was nothing like "Adult stuff" to date. Since we both were shy, it was quite difficult to initiate such a topic and talk on it. Apart from that, its habit of parents to make an impression from childhood itself that doing "anything" before marriage is taboo. We were talking about the incident of our first touch where she was shivering like anything, and all of the sudden conversation started getting "Heat."

  "Are you so brave? You don't even sit closer to me on our dates. You don't touch me without permission, and you are laughing at me. I don't think you will be able to kiss me ever on your own. I proposed to you, and I will have to do the kissing part as well someday. You are too chicken to do all these." She said.