May be! I Love You

by Kuldeep Sarvaiya

  It was a hot summer, and traffic was low on the highway, so I was driving on the right lane of the driving side. I saw a car at about 250-300 meters away from the bike in the rear mirror, and thus I thought of clearing the road for it. I moved slowly from the right lane to the left lane so that the car can pass by, but I forget to show indicator or keep track of the vehicle in the rear mirror. In about 5-6 seconds, I was in the middle of the road, and that car passes by really close to me at about 120-130 km/h speed. One inch here or there, and I might not be alive to write this book. It was a close encounter, and my brain couldn’t process the whole scene at that time. After too much struggle car driver managed to control the car, or else the car might have gone off the road, and serious injuries might have happened. It was a miracle that none of us were harmed even a little. The car driver slowed down, and by the time I reached near him, he started yelling at me. Instead of yelling back at him, since I was already in a trauma situation, I explained to him that I switched lane to give him the way, but you were in such high speed before I could do anything you crossed me. Instead of fighting more, he again boosted the car to max speed and went full speed.

  On the other hand, my speed dropped from 50 km/hr to 40 km/hr, and it took me approx. Three and a half hours to travel 100 km. All of a sudden, I started valuing road safety instructions and speed limits. I knew very clearly that a miracle saved me on that day. I reached home and never talked to anyone about it ever.

  To date, Anamika and I used to chat in text messages or on facebook, but the calling was rare. Anamika wanted to do her masters in college outside the locality, and I was not in favor of it. I wanted to go for IIT and in M.tech as I was kind of bored with doing pharmacy. I applied at IIT Bombay and IIT, BHU, in biomedical and biochemical technology. I was not eligible to apply in other IITs as subject requirements included a B.tech degree, which I lacked. I wanted us to be in the same city at least so that continuity can be maintained in a relationship, but Anamika was in no mood for any compromise. Sometimes some of the good qualities of your better half are real trouble for you. I applied to colleges where she applied.

  We spent almost half of our vacation in selecting the field, college, and future perspective. I began writing this book during that time. The admission process started, and the first college which invited me was IIT, Bombay (I know I should write Mumbai instead of Bombay, but if you see the real name of college, you will agree to me). My uncle was in Pune at that time, and so I decided to visit him first. He came along with me to Mumbai for Interviews and other processes. It was the first time for me to Mumbai, but the city is worth experiencing once. It demonstrates the perfect combination of people, culture, money, time, value, and responsibilities. The things I heard and read about the city seem genuine to me, the crowd, the local trains, the beach, the streets, Vada Pav, and skyscrapers. You may/may not fall in love with the city, but you will have some of the memorable moments of your life for sure. We reached at IIT from the station by an Auto rickshaw, and it was too early. I thought there would be an interview, and based on that, the final selection will be made. But, to my surprise, we were notified that there would be a Maths exam for students with a Biology background and Biology exam for Maths background students. It was a surprise to many of us but didn’t affect me much as I haven’t read or prepared anything. Either way, the outcome was going to remain the same, depending on my ability to interpret and solve things. The exam started, and we were handed 100 marks question paper of alternative subjects. It was a multiple-choice exam, and thus I finished it in half time like others. We were instructed that merit will be published in the evening, and selected candidates will be called for interviews.

  Everything finished by 11, and we had the whole day to pass. Since my uncle was familiar with the place, we decided to have a little tour of the city. We went to the museum first where nothing interested my uncle, but for me, things were exciting and unique. From the museum, the next stop was “Gateway of India,” where we clicked some photographs. The magnificent “Taj hotel” was recovering from the “terrorist attack,” and the recovery was significant. We went to Colaba from there at the Navy colony to make a stay for the night. Since my uncle is in the Army, he suggested a stay at the Army guest house. When we reached there, they said that they would only allow my uncle to stay in there but not me as I am not in direct blood relation with him. My uncle helped to build the area during his service in Mumbai, and now we were struggling to get a single room to stay. From there, we went to Nariman Point and had lunch. For the first time, I enjoyed watermelon juice over there, and it was terrific. We went to Mumbai central and decided that if I am in merit (chances were meager and we had no hope that I will be in list as we decided to drop the plan of finding room for stay and reached CST) we will find a room and if I am not we will catch the train to Pune. At around 6, they placed a merit list on the website, and to our surprise, I was on the list.

  On the one hand, it was a good thing, but on another, it was a hell of trouble. After too much traveling, we reached the Air force guest house and requested them to let us stay for the night. After a few requests, they agreed, and we got a bit of relief. For dinner, we just took one sandwich and went straight to bed.

  The next morning, we again reached IIT and waited till noon. They were taking half an hour for an interview of each candidate, and thus it was taking so long. Fortunately, someone suggested them to take an interview with the students coming from far away, and management agreed. They started doing the same with a new panel of the interviewer, but again it was taking too long. My uncle talked to one of the people, and I got promoted to get inside the interview room. The room was a classroom with almost all windows closed. As soon as I stepped into the room, even the door was closed. Only one light was ON in the place, and the rest of the part was dark. It felt to me that I stepped into the wrong neighborhood, and I am about to get investigated by the FBI. 3 Interviewers were chattering something and told me to have a seat. They were sitting on the first row of the bench, and I had a small chair on the ground floor in the staircase type of classroom. So now I was having a feeling of the courtroom where they are judges, and I was some newbie criminal. The environment was horrifying enough to make any candidate have to shiver through their spine. My confidence level was falling faster than rainfall in cherrapunji. They started asking me questions related to my field at first, which I answered to their satisfaction, but then they wanted me to convert those answers into mathematical graphs and equations. I was good at maths till I had to work with numbers only, but this was next level math where everything is assumed, and the conclusion is the reality. I fumbled on those questions, and I honestly told them that I don’t know this. They replied in a very polite blunt way that you should know this because this makes the base of this field. It was about half an hour, and they said I could go, so I left the room. This time I was quite sure that I am not going to get admission into this college. The only field I was sure about seems impossible to get into, and thus I was quite disappointed. I went back to my uncle’s home in Dehu Road, and the environment made me forget all the worries, and I enjoyed my full stay with them. We came back home after a week of rest, and it was time for my next interview for Biochemical Engineering in Varanasi.

  I received a letter long ago but not long enough that I can get a reservation in train. It was the first time I was going to Varanasi (Actually the second time. I visited it when I was seven or something, but I was too small to remember the places.) so someone my parents decided to send someone older with me. They were looking for a suitable candidate and luckily my uncle was on holiday, and he agreed to go with me. None of us had a reservation, and it was a long train journey, so I knew it is going to be difficult this time. Our train was scheduled from Ahmedabad, and thus we reached station early. We waited for the train, and as soon as it arrived, we ran towards the general coach because getting a seat in the general coach is as tricky as getting a reservation seat via the IRCTC web portal. I alw
ays thought that coolies might not be getting enough wages due to bags with wheels attached to them, but for the first time, I found their source of income. The coolies used to sell pre-occupied seats by them at 50 rupees per person. My uncle travels a lot by train, and he knows all these stuff, so we didn’t pay them anything at all. We got a seat, which was enough for us to rest comfortably for three days. It was my first comfortable journey in general coach in years. We took an auto-rickshaw from station to Banaras Hindu University (BHU) and paddled rickshaw from the gate of BHU to venue location. We struggled a bit in finding the college as there are lots of departments in BHU. We were first to reach there, and we still had about two and a half hours before the interviews start. We went to the canteen and had breakfast, and I was surprised to know that everything was very cheap in the canteen (You can’t expect good quality when things are cheap.)

  We were called for an interview, and the sitting arrangement was made in a small room. I was quite nervous as a very less number of people were going to get selected. It took almost four more hours before I was called in the Interview room. I went in there, and there was a panel of three people in there. They asked for my documents, and I showed them the necessary documents. After seeing my B.Pharm reports, one of the Interviewer looked at me and said. “You are a pharmacy student. Why do you want to shift to the Engineering field?”

  “Well, sir, for me, both are the same at this point. There is not much scope after M.pharm, so I thought about going for ME instead, and thus, I cleared GATE.”

  “I can see that and your performance is good, but I won’t recommend this. The scope is similar in both fields. In your case, you might end up losing both. You won’t get an engineering job because you have a pharmacy background, and you won’t get a pharmacy job because you have a ME degree. So I think you should go for M.Pharm instead of M.E.”

  “Okay, sir. I will think about it.”

  “Anybody have any questions?” They looked at each other and then at me with blank, confused faces. “You can go now. Thank you for coming”

  “Okay. Thank you, sir.” It hardly took 7 minutes for my interview, and the rest of the candidates were Interviewed for more than half an hour. Since the Interview went fast, we had plenty of time to explore the holy city before we leave for Delhi. I visited the town when I was a child, but this was the first time I was feeling it. The things I heard about the city was right. It has advanced over time but still managed to preserve the old traditions and rituals. It has got a perfect blend of ancient culture and new trends. On the one hand, you can find big malls and luxurious shops and on other paddle rickshaw and temples in every corner.

  We had no reserved seat, and thus we again chose the General compartment of a train to travel. Coming from Ahmedabad to Varanasi is more than 1700 Km, but it was easy to move. But 750+ km travel of Varanasi to Delhi was painful as hell. We can get a seat on the train from Delhi to my hometown, but destiny had a different plan for me. The train was double crowded, and the last one and half-day journey was one of the worst trips of my life.

  I came back, and it was time to wait until I get an appointment for the next Interview. We were planning, fighting, waiting for the moment when all cards get unfolded, and reveal the actual hand. The holy city of Varanasi again called me for the second time. It was for my M.Pharm Interview, and I was still excited. I decided not to make the same mistake again and booked the Tatkal ticket to Varanasi this time. My Grandfather decided to come along with me this time. We reached the venue early in the morning at about 6 am. The night security guard greeted us and asked why we were there. I explained about the Interview, and he said it would start at around 11 am. At around 8 am, she came with her father. She called me as they didn't know the place. There were about 100 candidates at a minimum. The head of the department gave us an introductory speech. The interview commenced, and they were taking interviews for about 1 hour or more for each candidate. It started at 11 in the morning and continued till nine at night. I spent my time restless as I was called at around 8. Only half of the candidates were interviewed till 9 pm, so the rest of the candidates were called for the next day. She was yet to be interviewed.

  All four of us visited different Ghats, Vishvanath temple, and streets of Kashi. Her interview happened the next day, and she did well in that. I decided not to mention mine because it was okay, but due to fewer marks in GPAT, I was way behind other candidates. The Kashi tour ended again, and we returned home.

  ◆◆◆

  On one beautiful morning, I received a letter from IIT BHU that I am selected for ME in biochemical engineering. Later the result of M.pharm came where I was on the waiting list as per my expectations. Now it was a hard time for me to decide what branch to choose. I had no option other than ME if I want to be with her. I consulted my parents, her, myself, and finally, I sacrificed the desire to be together for education. The only problem was that it is not easy to maintain a long-distance relationship. They never work actually, no matter how much tuned you both are. In our case, we had a relationship as old as four months or so, and there was no chance that we could make it work. I tried my best to be with her, but life had other plans, and she was obsessed with BHU. I had two options, either to put a condition in front of her that if she goes for BHU, we are done, or I could support her and try to make it work. I applied to colleges in Gujarat, and I was damn sure that I would get in any college and any branch I want. I asked her to apply her as well, but as I said, she was obsessed.

  Sometimes the situations make you think about the decisions you make in life. As per me, no life choices are wrong; the output makes it appear wrong or right. It's like dropping out of college and building Microsoft. People will remember you only if your life choice turns out for the best. Life is not the same for all, and that is why you need to take some risks to know the final output. To live the death, you need to live life first. Here is my case, I thought I was willing to choose ME to be with her, but she can't leave BHU for me? But the other side of the coin was that I was the one who applied for it, she didn't tell me to. She made her own choice, then why can't I?

  On the other hand, I was like, but why should I keep on dragging this? If she wanted to be with me, she would have done at least this much for me. I was in favor of me and her both at the same time.

  When you are confused or worried about something, out of 10 possibilities, nine times the worst possibility happens to you. The same thing happened to me, as well. She moved to Varanasi for studies, and I decided to stay in Ahmedabad. Things are better when you are a small kid. All you worry about candies and toys, and even if you have to compromise sometimes, you have hope that when you grow up in life, you will get that thing for yourself. As you grow up, you realize that life has more significant problems as well, and that toy or bike you wanted is nothing in that comparisons. You have to make compromises at every next step. So you are left with two choices, either grow up and face the disappointments of life or be that kid who still has hope that when he grows up, he will achieve that. I decided to be that kid and move on in life. I showed myself some positive sides of staying in Gujarat like I can be with my family for a few years, I can call her and miss her, I can understand her value in my life, etc.

  I used to be cry baby till my school days or say till I passed 10th standard. I used to cry as much as girls or maybe a notch more than them. People call crying girl's job or symbol of weakness. But is it so? Ask yourself. It's a sign of being honest to yourself. When you cry, you empty all your feelings to yourself, and it becomes more easy to connect to yourself. Being “Strong” only weakens you from inside. On outer you are like, bring it on, but from inside, you are shredded in small pieces. After 10th, I became that “Strong” person and stopped crying and decided to fight in every worst situation. I had hope that she will understand what was going on with me when she decided to stay away from me. She wanted us to study together and be together, but when it came to choosing a study over me, her decision was clear. The bad part
in me was telling me to leave her and focus on my dream as she chose her dream. The good in me told me to have faith in her decision and support her decision. Now the debate started between my good part and the wrong part.

  “ I should keep an open mind and support her decision. What is wrong with that?'

  “Oh yeah? Why isn't she supporting you? Why are you getting suppressed by her? She can be here as well. What is wrong with that?”

  “No. There is nothing wrong with that, but everyone has their free will and freedom to choose what is better for their life.”

  “So you mean to say that you are not important to her. There is no place for you in her life. Well, congratulations my friend. Your life is going to be hell, sooner or later.”

  “Okay. That is so judgemental of you. Tell me, what if I got in IIT Bombay?”

  “Oh, come on. Are you that stupid? You had your priorities straight. You wanted to run your company. This whole study part was her plan because she wanted to study. There is nothing yours in this whole thing.”

  “She just recommended it. I decided that I wanted to go for higher studies. I applied for GATE, way before she even mattered to me.”

  “Okay, so you decided not to listen to me. You just made your mind to follow every word she says to you. She is going to boss around. I can give this in writing.”

  “Letting her do what she wants to do is making me weak now? What is your point here exactly?”

  “My point is simple. You used to have your vision, your thoughts. You never used to give a damn about what others want you to do. You always follow your dreams, and now you are following what others tell you to do? I don't think you are the same person anymore.”