Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  Kate looked up and was taken aback by the sight before her.

  He was still smoking his cigarette, his hands shaking more than ever, but the shock was his eyes, sparkling and filled with tears. He was struggling not to cry, fighting his emotions with everything inside him, but despite his best efforts a stray tear had escaped and rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away absently with a trembling thumb, and let out a deep, shaky sigh. This was exactly what he had feared…the cracks were showing, and she was feeling sorry for him.

  She instinctively took both his hands in hers, smiling sympathetically.

  “‘Let’s stop for now. Looks to me like you’ve had enough, eh?”

  He nodded, wiping a couple more tears away, embarrassed. “Yeah. Look, I’m sorry. It’s bad enough we only got an hour, without me dragging it out.”

  She shook her head. “It’s fine, I told you. All on your terms, and if you wanna stop completely, say the word.”

  He smiled weakly and shook his head. “Come this far, aint we? We might as well see it through.” He stood up, “I’ll see ya in a fortnight. I meant what I said by the way…you look fabulous. Your husband would kick himself if he saw you now. Any man would be lucky to have you.” He thought for a minute and added, “I got some advice for you, Kate.”

  She frowned and nodded. ‘I’m listening…”

  He let out another sigh, and thought for a moment. “Saviour your freedom, embrace everyday of your life, live it for all its worth. Love your daughter, and appreciate each moment you have with her, even when she’s driving you nuts. Your whole life is balancing on shit, all the time, even when you don’t realise it. Life is precarious, and when you get complacent about it…those things, the ones that only happen to other people? The stuff you see in the news? It can happen to anybody. You’re a good person, a beautiful person, and you’re so lucky. Be happy, alright? Just…be happy.”

  He left without waiting for a reply. He couldn’t handle anymore, he was going to break.

  That was the first time Kate saw the real Danny, the one he had been going to such great lengths to hide from her.

  And as she had always suspected, and now knew for sure, his major weakness, his Achilles heel, was Emma.

  * * * *

  22ND NOVEMBER 2007

  “Is someone gonna tell me what the fuck that was all about?”

  Mr Marriot, A-wing governor and ‘alright kind of guy’ glanced up at the two men in his office and sighed.

  Danny sighed too, resigned to whatever was coming next. He could feel the blood trickling down from the wound above his right eyebrow, and he could feel that he had a split lip too, although he couldn’t touch it, his hands cuffed behind his back.

  He took a sideways glance at the idiot sitting next to him, Carl Sanders, panting and scowling like some petulant school kid in the headmasters’ office. He looked to be about the same, the beginnings of a black eye already forming a purple bruise over the left side of his face. Neither man responded to the question.

  Mr Marriot shook his head, frustrated, and looked up at the guard by the door. “Ted, take Mr Sanders to the infirmary, I need a word with Mr Edwards here.”

  He nodded and both men left. Danny turned back to him and shrugged. “What next?”

  “Next…you tell me just what the hell happened this afternoon, Danny. I’m hoping you’ll be the one with enough common sense to talk to me.”

  “You know that’s not how it works, sir.” Danny said regretfully, wiping the corner of his mouth on his shoulder.

  Mr Marriot rolled his eyes. “I thought you’d be a bit smarter. You realise that kick you accidentally delivered to my leg could see you facing charges, right?”

  Danny groaned. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t intend for you to get hurt, I didn’t even know you were there…”

  “I don’t expect this from you, Danny. What the fuck is going on with you?”

  He shrugged again, “I’ve just been a bit…irritable lately…”

  Mr Marriot looked at him incredulously. “Irritable?”

  “Yeah. And that prick had it coming, you know that. So am I gonna be charged? I mean I assaulted you…”

  “No, you won’t be charged. Because that’s at my discretion, and since I can’t establish what happened and why, because you won’t tell me…I’m not gonna do that without all the facts. Because you have a parole shot coming up next year, and it would be a shame to ruin that.” He frowned regretfully. “But don’t think you’re getting off scot-free. Isolation, two weeks. Privileges removed for one month. You’ll both get the same. No gym, no library, no visits.”

  “No visits?” Danny repeated, feeling his heart sink.

  “No visits for twenty eight days. Which brings us up to Christmas, and unfortunately as you know, Christmas day visits are for those with children. So it’ll be six weeks for you. You feel more like communicating now?”

  Danny opened his mouth to say something, and closed it again. He knew nothing he said would help matters. If he told him he had been jumped on in the games room by the same kid who had started on him weeks earlier, and that he had lashed out in defence, and then been unable to stop himself, the situation would continue to escalate. Better to have it done with, and face the consequences now.

  Mr Marriot nodded, clearly disappointed and annoyed. “Okay then, have it your way. If Ms Marshall applies for a visiting order she’ll be sent a letter explaining why it’s refused. In the meantime, we best go get you cleaned up.”

  * * * *

  24TH NOVEMBER 2007

  “What’s wrong?” Robyn asked when Kate came in with a frown on her face. “Has something happened to Danny?”

  “Kind of, yeah…” Kate said, and handed her a letter. “I applied for the visiting order like normal, usually get it straight away. This time I was sent this. It’s been refused.”

  Robyn’s face fell, concern etched on it. “What? Why?”

  “Read it, see for yourself.”

  HMP CHIRTON

  RE: Inmate Number GY4547B: Daniel Joseph Edwards

  Visiting Order: Refused

  22nd November 2007

  Dear Mrs Marshall,

  I write to you regarding your visiting order for Daniel Edwards. It is with regret that I must decline your application at this time.

  Unfortunately, the inmate in question was involved in an altercation with another inmate yesterday, which has resulted in certain restrictions being placed upon him. He was caught fighting, and during an attempt to break them up a member of staff (myself) was slightly injured.

  As a result of this serious breach of prison rules, and the unwillingness of both inmates to say who started the fight, they have both been subject to a disciplinary, the results of which are detailed below:

  14 days on segregation wing

  Visits suspended for 28 days.

  Permanent record of incident on file.

  The next usual visiting date would be 25/12, however, this will not be possible, as Category A Christmas visits are reserved for those inmates with families with children. Therefore, it will be 08/01 before another application can be considered, subject to appropriate behaviour in the meantime.

  I would like to assure you that Daniel is not seriously injured and has been seen by a doctor. He suffered abrasions to his head and face, a split lip and a small cut above his eye. I appreciate your support in this matter, but if you have any concerns or queries do not hesitate to contact me,

  Sincerely,

  M Marriot (B-Wing Governor)

  Robyn handed the letter back to her and shook her head. “What on earth was he thinking?”

  Kate shrugged. “I dunno, but I can’t help but feel this is my fault.”

  “How’s that?”

  She sighed and slumped on the sofa. “I dunno, last time we spoke he was…struggling. Upset, you know? I’m worried that I’m causing problems for him, uh…opening Pandora’s Box, making him go through stuff he aint able to process. But most of all I’m
just sad; because I’m gonna miss him.”

  Robyn thought for a minute. “Look…I’m sure he’s okay. And I’m sure it’s not your fault. Danny has a temper, he always has had. It’ll be something and nothing, you know? If you’re worried, call the prison but it sounds to me like he screwed up, and he’s just gotta ride it out now, yeah?”

  Kate nodded absently and sighed. “Yeah…yeah, you’re probably right.”

  * * * *

  27TH NOVEMBER 2007

  Danny sat in the relative silence of the cell, feet up, doing a crossword trying to keep his mind active and focused, but he was already beyond bored, more so than when in general population, which wasn’t much better as far as interesting things to do anyway.

  He sat up to the sound of his door unlocking, and Mr Marriot came in. “Afternoon, Danny.”

  He nodded respectfully. “Afternoon, sir. How’s the leg?”

  Mr Marriot looked down at his right leg, which had come out in a huge bruise the length of his shin after Danny’s size twelve foot had delivered the strong kick to it. “Sore,” he replied and Danny winced.

  “Sorry about that…”

  “Apology accepted. Just dropping in to check you’re not having a breakdown or anything.”

  Danny shrugged. “Nope, I’m okay. I’m bored out my mind but aside from that, I’m okay.” He looked back at his crossword and frowned. “Who’s the manager of Newcastle United these days?”

  Mr Marriot thought about that and clicked his fingers. “Sam Allardyce, I think.”

  “Thanks. You know, it’s all well and good them handing out these crosswords, but for fellas like me who haven’t been in the real world in years, I don’t know half the damn answers.”

  “Perhaps you should leave it for a bit. I have something more interesting for you. You have mail.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, who from?”

  “Your mum, I believe. I guess Mrs Marshall told her about your little incident.” He handed him the envelope, already opened with CHECKED stamped across the front. “Here. If you wanna write back, ask ‘em for a pen and some paper when you get your exercise this evening.”

  Danny nodded appreciatively as he left. “Thanks, sir.”

  He opened it up and began to read.

  Dear Danny,

  I had Kate round today for a coffee and a gossip, and she showed me a letter she got refusing her visiting order. She was a bit upset, worried that something kicked off because of her, because of feelings she’s making you have, or something. You know Kate…always fretting about something. I did my best to reassure her that it’s probably not her fault and that you’re bound to be alright, because that’s what she needed to hear, and I think it worked.

  But the truth is…I’m worried about you, love. I hope you’re okay, not too badly hurt, and not in too much trouble. It’s hard enough imagining you in a prison cell, but the idea of you being totally isolated makes me desperately sad. I felt utterly useless, so decided to write to you. Hopefully it’ll help you to feel not so lonely.

  Please son, whoever pissed you off, whatever happened, try to keep a lid on your temper in future. The last thing you need is bad stuff on your file, at least try for the parole next year. I know you don’t believe you’ll get it. But I do, and frankly…why jeopardise it on purpose? Yes, this is your mother telling you off! Please just…take care, alright?

  You don’t have to write back, not if you don’t want to. I understand why you don’t keep in touch with me, I don’t like it, but I do get it. But if you do want to, it would make my day to hear from you.

  I love you with my whole heart son, and I always will, no matter what, I can’t stress that enough, alright?

  Be good!

  Love, mum xxx

  * * * *

  CHRISTMAS DAY 2007

  Robyn answered the phone on Christmas day absently, expecting it to be Kate wishing her a happy festive season.

  “Hello, Kate love,” she was met with a silence and reached for the remote to turn the television down, muting The Queen mid-speech and frowned, puzzled, “Hello?”

  “Ma, it’s me.”

  She was so stunned she dropped the cigarette she had been smoking which landed on her ankle, burning her before rolling off onto the carpet. She grabbed it quickly, stamping on the burn hole in the rug and took a long, deep drag from it to steady her nerves, trying to regain her equilibrium.

  “Danny? Is that you?”

  Another silence and then a hesitant, “Yes…”

  “Oh…oh, God…Are you alright, what’s uh…what’s happened?”

  “No, nothing…I’m fine. Are you?”

  “I am, of course I am! It is…” she had begun to cry and she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “It’s so good to hear your voice!”

  “You too, Ma. I wanted to um…I just wanted to…”

  Robyn sighed, feeling overwhelming sadness for him and closed her eyes. “I know. I miss you too, son.”

  “Yeah. I’d love to see you, I just…I can’t…”

  “I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand.”

  “Tell me you don’t hate me.”

  “Oh, Danny…”

  “Please, I need to hear you say it…”

  There was an air of desperation in his voice that worried her, and she found herself wondering what sort of emotional health he was in.

  She swallowed a lump of grief and shook her head. “I don’t hate you, Danny. I could never hate you. I’m not disappointed and I’m not angry.” She laughed a little, “Kate on the other hand…you’ll get a verbal pasting off her next time you see her I suspect.”

  He laughed too and the sound almost made her burst into tears. “Yeah…I thought as much. She’s got the measure of me alright.”

  “She cares about you, son.”

  “I know. I’ll uh…I’ll make it right with her.”

  “She’s the key, son. I dunno how yet, but she is. She can make you happy, so just let her in, okay? Don’t be scared to.”

  “I am scared, Ma. I dunno…um…my head is just…”

  “I know, love. But you’re gonna be happy again, okay? Probably sooner than you think.”

  He didn’t answer right away and she heard him sigh. “Ma, I gotta go. I just needed to hear your voice. But please don’t worry about me anymore. I am okay, I promise. I love you, okay?”

  “I love you.”

  “Happy Christmas, Ma.”

  “Best Christmas present I ever had, son. Bye Danny.”

  “Bye Ma…” he said and he was gone.

  Robyn looked up at the pictures above the fireplace, smiling through tears streaming down her face.

  * * * *

  Danny put his head against the wall and closed his eyes, still holding onto the phone listening to the cut-off tone, wondering why on earth he had felt the sudden, desperate urge to call her, wondering if he had done the right thing.

  He let out a deep sigh and turned to the man behind him. “All yours…” He muttered and went back to his cell and his utterly empty, loveless existence, hoping she had believed the lie and would be able to be happy again, so at least one of them could be.

  * * * *

  HOLLY’S BIRTHDAY

  Kate was in the living room, blowing up balloons. She stopped and looked around her – the place looked nice, probably a lot nicer than it would come morning, after a load of teenagers had trashed the place. She smiled to herself – she didn’t care. After all, it wasn’t every day your daughter turned eighteen.

  She glanced at the clock – eight-thirty – and wasn’t surprised at all that Chris hadn’t called, but furious nevertheless. Holly hadn’t mentioned him at all, obviously didn’t care – Kate had brought her the beloved drum kit she had been asking for, and as a result had seen very little of her between then and now.

  (you’re losing her, Kate)

  The thought came from nowhere, almost overwhelming her, and she just managed to suck the tears back in before Holly came in
with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

  “Oh, mum! This looks fantastic!” she held up the bottle and grinned. “Care to join me in my first legal drink? I mean my first drink?”

  Kate smiled, ignoring her slip, and nodded. “Go on then, why not?”

  Holly popped the cork, sending it soaring to the ceiling, making them both shriek and then burst out laughing, and she poured them both a glass.

  “Well then, a toast. To my little girl, who’s not so little any more. You’re a beautiful young woman, the best thing that ever happened to me. Happy eighteenth, sweetheart.”

  “Thanks mum, cheers.”

  They clinked glasses, “cheers,” Kate said and drank it down.

  Holly held up the bottle again. “Another..?”

  “Why not..?”

  They both laughed and by the time the guests started arriving at close to nine, they were already more than a little tipsy.

  * * * *

  As the clock chimed midnight on New Years’ Eve, Kate pulled Holly in for a hug, and thought of Danny, and his baby turning eighteen today, somewhere far away from his arms, and she held Holly a little tighter, for a little longer.

  Chapter Eight

  TUESDAY 8TH JANUARY 2008

  It felt like a lifetime since she had last been there, and it didn’t sink in until she saw him just how much she had missed him.

  “Danny!”

  He smiled broadly, making her heart leap a little, ran a hand through his dark hair and winked. “Hello Kate Marshall. Good festive season?”

  “Yeah, if a little loud – what with Holly and her drum kit.”

  He laughed. “Ah, you got it for her then?”

  “Yeah I did, cost me four hundred quid.”

  He winced. “Ouch. Still, if she’s worth it, she’s worth it.”

  “Oh, she is. Your mum told me you rang her on Christmas Day…”

  He nodded, shuffling about from foot to foot; his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. He looked down at his feet and then his eyes moved back up to meet hers.

  (they are absolutely beautiful)