Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

  “Must be. I’m gonna need a proper, better proposal.”

  “And then you’d say yes?”

  “I might. Then again, I might not…who knows?”

  He thought about it and grinned again. “Hold that thought, babe.”

  Danny jumped to his feet, ran up to the DJ and grabbed his microphone.

  “Ladies and gents, if you wanna see a grown man make a fool of himself, look no further. Over there in the corner, is my gorgeous girlfriend Natalie, who in six months’ time will be the mother of my baby. This is spur of the moment, so I aint got a ring or nothing, but if she would like to come up here, I have something I wanna ask her.”

  Natalie stood up reluctantly, but he could see she was smiling her first real smile for ages, and took it as a good sign. He took her hand, and got down on his knees.

  “Hang on a minute,” he said, rummaging in his pocket and pulling out his keys. With shaking fingers he pulled one of the rings off and held it up, smiling, pleased with himself, “There. Um…Natalie Elizabeth Dean…I’ve known you for six months, and I’ve loved you for six months. From the very first time I laid my eyes on you. You’re insane; I mean you’re fucking nuts. You’re bossy, infuriating and at times out and out impossible but…you’re everything to me. Will you marry me?”

  She frowned, amused. “Are you proposing to me with a keyring?”

  He frowned too, as though suddenly realising how silly it was and then nodded playfully. “Um…yeah I am. But first thing in the morning, I will buy you the biggest diamond I can find. So will you do it, will you marry me?”

  “Course I will.” She said without a hint of hesitation, and he leapt up and hugged her, while everyone cheered and clapped.

  * * * *

  “Do I look okay?”

  Danny looked her up and down. She was wearing a skirt just below her knees, and a pretty black top, her hair up in a high pony tail and he smiled. “You look gorgeous.”

  “I aint supposed to look gorgeous, Danny, I’m meeting your mum. I’m meant to look…sensible.”

  “But you aint sensible,” he was smiling still but she didn’t smile back. “Alright, what’s up?”

  “Nothing…it’s just…well, I’ve heard how you talk about your mum. You’re her blue-eyed boy. She’s gonna hate me, babe.”

  “What? Why would she hate you?”

  “Uh…let’s see. Because I’m with you, because I’m common, because I’m a stripper…” she emphasised each point with a finger held up, “I am every mother’s nightmare.”

  “She’ll love you, because I do. And because you’re carrying her grandchild.”

  “That’s another thing.”

  “What?”

  “A baby out of wedlock…”

  “What of it?”

  “Well…it aint the done thing, is it? She’ll either think I trapped you, or I’m some sort of desperate slapper, trying to pass another man’s baby off as yours or something.”

  He shook his head dismissively, “Nat, you don’t know her. She’ll be over the moon. And when I tell her we’re getting married too, she’ll be practically wetting herself.”

  She looked at him, horrified. “You aint telling her about the wedding today too, are ya?”

  “Sure, why not?”

  “Don’t you think it’s a bit much in one go? Uh ‘hi mum, this is Natalie, my girlfriend, who’s pregnant. Oh, and we’re getting wed.’ Come on Danny, talk about overload.”

  “Best to do it all in one go. And you’ll see she’ll be happy for us,” he had stopped and he pointed to the front door, “you ready or what?”

  Natalie took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, go for it.”

  Danny knocked and went straight in. “Ma, it’s me!”

  Robyn came running from the kitchen drying her hands on a tea towel and flung her arms around him.

  “Danny, sweetheart! Come ‘ere and give your mum a hug! You alright?”

  He hugged her and kissed her cheek. “Yeah, fine Ma. Something smells good!”

  “I made your favourite.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Beef?”

  “Uh huh…”

  “Yorkshires..?”

  Robyn grinned. “Homemade.”

  “Ah fab, I’m starving. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.” He took Natalie’s hand, pulling her closer to them. “Mum this is Natalie, my girlfriend. Nat, this is my mum, Robyn Edwards.”

  They shook hands and Robyn kissed her cheek. “Lovely to meet you, Natalie. I’ve been on at Danny for weeks to bring you here. Take your coat off, love. Dinner’s almost ready.”

  * * * *

  The three of them sat silently around the small table in the kitchen, eating without a word. Danny glanced at Natalie, who was looking down at her plate, apparently too afraid to look up.

  He was going to say something – anything to break the silence – when his mother did it for him.

  “So, Natalie…what do you do for a living?”

  “Oh, uh…”

  Danny smiled. “Natalie’s a dancer, Ma.”

  Robyn smiled too. “Really? That’s-”

  “I’m a stripper, Danny.” Natalie interrupted, apparently finding some courage from somewhere.

  Robyn’s face dropped, and then she managed to smile again. “Oh, well…that sounds…nice.”

  “I don’t do it no more though.”

  “Mmm, probably best now you have a boyfriend.”

  “That aint why I stopped Mrs Edwards…”

  “Oh…why did you then, love?”

  Danny took her hand and squeezed it gently. “Ma…Natalie’s pregnant.”

  Robyn looked at Danny, then at Natalie, and then back at Danny. “You’re…was it planned?”

  Danny shook his head nervously. “No, but we’re really happy about it, aint we babe?”

  Natalie nodded. “Yeah, we are.”

  “You’re gonna be a dad, Danny?”

  He nodded excitedly. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Oh my God! Congratulations, both of you!” she leaned over and kissed his cheek and did the same with Natalie. “Congratulations, love.”

  “Thanks.” Natalie said, with little if any enthusiasm.

  “That’s not all, Ma. The other night I asked Natalie to marry me, and she said yes.”

  “You’re getting married too?”

  “Uh huh.” he said, nodding enthusiastically.

  “Well that’s great! Oh, I’m so happy for you!”

  * * * *

  “She hates me, just like I said she would.”

  Danny turned to Natalie, who was looking out of the car window. “What? That’s ridiculous, she was delighted.”

  “No she weren’t, she just pretended to be for your sake. Did you see her face hit the floor when I told her I was a stripper?”

  “She weren’t that bothered, it was just a surprise, the way you blurted it out.”

  “That’s another thing anyway. Why did you try and tell her I’m a dancer, are you suddenly ashamed of me?”

  “No, course not! I just didn’t know what you wanted to tell her. If I’d said you were a stripper you’d have ripped my head off.” He sighed, exasperated. “At the minute, I don’t know what to say around you, everything sets you off.”

  She looked at him, thought about protesting, but found herself relenting. “Sorry. I suppose it’s just hormones or something.”

  “You really aint comfortable with this at all, are ya? I mean you really don’t want this baby?”

  She didn’t answer him right away, and her silence spoke volumes. “Course I do.”

  * * * *

  2007

  “Only, I knew she weren’t comfortable, even then. Because she knew…she knew she weren’t carrying my baby, and the lies were eating her up. Once she’d said she was pregnant, and I’d assumed the baby was mine…she couldn’t take it back, could she? She could only hope things would be okay. And I can’t say she didn’t try, because she really did. She went to al
l her hospital appointments, showed a lot of enthusiasm, help me decorate the spare room; turned it into a gorgeous nursery. We always just knew we were having a girl, talked about names and decided together to call her Emma Robyn.

  The second part of the pregnancy was much better. Best time of my life, actually. We married in September of 1989, on a beautiful day – no rain, only sunshine. We married at the registry office, and had some photos taken on the park across the road. Nat wore this…gorgeous deep blue dress that went right down to her ankles and showed off her bump. She didn’t wanna wear white, wanted something different. Ask mum to show you the photos, she took my breath away. I couldn’t stop smiling all day; all my dreams were coming true. Not five months later…she was dead, Emma was gone and I was locked up.”

  “Hell of a year…” Kate thought aloud.

  “Weren’t it just? You’re probably wondering why all that was hard to say…well, remembering good stuff reminds you what you had, and lost. Those months were all about Natalie, and my little girl, who as it turned out wasn’t my little girl at all.”

  “Danny, were you angry when you found out she wasn’t yours?”

  He smiled knowingly. “Course I was. I was very angry, very hurt, and very heartbroken. Wouldn’t you be?”

  “What did you do about it?”

  “We aint got to that bit yet, Kate - almost though.”

  “You gonna tell me the truth Danny?”

  He nodded resolutely. “Of course I am. I aint never lied in my life. Done a lot of things, but never lied. Every grisly detail, you’re gonna know. Time’s up for today though, I reckon. Will I be seeing you in a fortnight then?”

  She frowned apologetically. “Ah, I’m afraid not. Me and Holly are off on holiday on the sixteenth for two weeks, we aint back until the thirtieth. So I won’t see you until the thirteenth of November.”

  “Oh…where are you off to, then?”

  “Spain, it’s been a while since we had a holiday, and with her being older now, won’t be long before she starts going with her mates.”

  “Ah, that sounds great…”

  (a whole month before you see her again…)

  “…you enjoy yourself, time with your girl. You deserve it. I wanna hear that you got very drunk, very sunburnt, and didn’t budge from your sunbed the whole time, you hear?”

  She nodded. “That sounds like a good plan. I’ll uh…send you a postcard.”

  He smiled trying to hide his disappointment. “Make sure you do. Gonna miss ya.”

  She looked at him, surprised and touched. “Yeah..?”

  “Yeah, course. You’re my best mate – my only mate.”

  She leaned over and kissed his cheek on impulse. “I’ll be back before you know it. Behave yourself, right?”

  He smiled again and nodded. “I will.”

  * * * *

  13TH NOVEMBER 2007

  He sat nervously waiting for Kate and practically leapt out of his seat when she came in, despite promising himself he was going to play it cool.

  For a moment all he could do was stare stupidly, before he snapped back to reality.

  She was dressed differently to usual, wearing tight jeans and a pretty grey top, black knee-length boots with a stiletto heel, and she’d had her long blonde hair cut to just below her ears. She had caught the sun too, and looked healthy, glowing, and relaxed and happy, as though still in holiday mode. He was glad to see she looked just as pleased to see him.

  “Hello, Danny.”

  “Hello to you, too,” he grinned, “wow look at you, you look amazing!”

  She blushed and smiled too. “Yeah..?”

  “Absolutely,” he took her hand and spun her round, “looking good, Ms Marshall. Your hair looks nice.”

  She put a hand to it shyly and shrugged. “Oh, Holly talked me into it on the last day. I dunno, I think it’s a bit short.”

  “It looks great. Sit down, then.”

  She did and lit them both their usual cigarette. “So, how have you been?”

  “Okay, bit bored but alright.”

  (I missed you, every day, to the point of distraction)

  “Did you get the postcard I sent?”

  “I did, it’s on my wall. Cheers, looks like a nice place.”

  “It was, might go back there next year.”

  “I never went abroad…” he said, a little despondently.

  “Maybe…you could come with us next year.”

  He smiled, it was sweet of her but a pipe dream, he knew it would never happen. “I’d love to, but I’ll still be here methinks. Plus, no way on this earth I’ll ever be given a passport. If I ever get out though, I’ll settle for a week in a caravan in Cornwall.”

  She grinned. “It’s a deal.”

  For a moment they just smiled at each other, then he shook his head, trying to bring himself back to the now. “So anyway, I take it you wanna get back to business then?”

  “When you’re ready…”

  “Right well, come the end of October she was starting to be something like the old Natalie – in attitude at least. She started to go out again, down the club, despite the fact that by then she was seven months pregnant. She didn’t drink or nothing, I mean she was responsible, but it was like she was trying to hold onto some part of her old self, her old life. She took herself down there most nights, with Lauren of course, and she wouldn’t come home ‘til all hours. When I pulled her up on it, she’d say she might be carrying a baby but she still had the right to be just Natalie too, which of course I couldn’t argue with. And then one night, I got sick of waiting for her, and I went down the club to look for her.”

  “Did you find her?”

  “Oh yeah,” he said, and even the memory angered him, “she was in the hallway by the toilets, talking to him.”

  “Jonathon Lewis?”

  “Yeah...”

  “Did you know who he was then, Danny?”

  “Yeah, a regular at the club, fixated on Nat. Mad about her. She always said he was harmless enough, and there were plenty more like him – that was the nature of a job like hers. Anyway, like I said, they were talking but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Natalie had her back to me, so I couldn’t see her face, but he looked up and saw me, and smiled, like he knew something I didn’t, which of course he did. He put a hand on her bump, and I almost went for him, but he walked away. I went to her, asked her what he wanted. She said nothing, he was just saying he missed her and wishing her well with the baby. She asked me what I was accusing her of, I said nothing. We ended up having a God Almighty row, right there in the club, which continued when we got home and ended with me sleeping on the sofa, something I’d come to do a lot.” He pressed his lips together in a grim line; his expression etched with remorse and anguish and sighed.

  “The closer she got to full term, the worse things got between us, until everyone had begun to notice it. We couldn’t hide it anymore. I just prayed things would be okay when the baby was born. She said she had a bad feeling about it, about the future. I did my best to reassure her things would be fine, I’d look after her, look after them both, and I’d never leave her, no matter what happened. She let me sleep in with her that night, the first time in weeks, and insisted I hold her all night, made me promise not to let go.”

  He put a cigarette in his mouth and continued to talk with it dangling from his mouth while she searched her pocket for a light. “Christmas came and went, still no baby.” She lit the cigarette for him, and he took a long drag, his hands shaking a little. “And then…I woke up on the morning of my birthday, to the sound of Natalie screaming my name.”

  * * * *

  NEW YEARS EVE 1989

  “Danny! Danny!”

  The voice came into his dream, breaking a deep sleep and at first he didn’t register who the voice belonged to. All of a sudden it hit him, and he leapt out of bed.

  “Nat...?”

  “Danny Edwards, get your arse in here, NOW!”

  That broke his
paralysis and he ran to the sound of her voice, to find her standing in the kitchen with her hands on the counter, panting heavily.

  “You okay, babe?”

  She looked up at him incredulously; her hair stuck to her face with sweat and shook her head.

  “Oh yeah, peachy! I feel fan-fucking-tastic Danny boy! In fact, I thought I might bake you a birthday cake! Oddly enough, no I fucking aint okay! About fucking time, I’ve been shouting you for fucking ages!”

  He grimaced. Even for Nat, that was a hell of a lot of fuckings.

  “Sorry babe, I was asleep.”

  “Well wake up fast Danny boy, because that baby you wanted so badly, is on her way right now! Happy fucking birthday!”

  His face broke into a smile. “She is? Are you sure?”

  “Well…I guess it could be indigestion. That Indian last night tasted a bit funny. Of course I’m fucking sure!”

  “Jeez, I’d better call an ambulance!”

  “I’ve done that. Just…help me onto the sofa.”

  He did and knelt before her, brushing the hair from her eyes. “Are you scared?” she nodded and began to cry. He smiled and gently kissed her on the lips. “Don’t be, I’m right here and I’m going nowhere, okay?”

  She looked directly into his eyes and he saw her beginning to calm down a little.

  “Danny, there’s something you should know…”

  “It don’t matter, it can wait. Whatever it is, it can wait.”

  “No, it needs to be said before she arrives.”

  “Babe…nothing matters. We’re gonna have our little girl today.” He grinned broadly. “She’s coming today, on my birthday. I’m gonna be a daddy. Nothing could mean more to me than that. Tell me after, okay?”

  She seemed a little reluctant to let it go, but she did and nodded. “Okay…”

  * * * *

  2007

  “Emma was born at one minute to midnight. She came screaming into the world, and just as the midwife put her in my arms, the fireworks went off outside for 1990. It was a perfect moment. She looked up at me with her mums’ eyes – she was all Nat, even right down to being a big mouth, right from the get-go. I just fell in love, Kate. Proof that…biology means fuck all, it’s about…how you feel inside, you know? When you held her that first time, I felt…only total love for her, of the purest kind.”