Guilty

by Heidi J Thomas

Kate xxx

  * * * *

  He put the letter on his table and lay back on his bunk in the silence of late evening. Everyone was eating about now, but he had no appetite to speak of, and so had gone back to his cell to be alone.

  For eighteen years he had managed to keep a hold of his feelings, managed somehow to keep from going mad. But now, recently, he had begun to lose his strength and grip and was sliding fast.

  His mothers’ death had hit him hard, and he felt sure he would be finished, were it not for Kate, wonderful Kate, his best – his only – friend, who had no idea he was in love with her.

  He had been attracted to her from day one, she was a beautiful woman, but more than that, she had a heart of solid gold. She had never judged him, always spoken to him as an equal, the first person to really do that in almost two decades, and she was funny and smart too. He couldn’t count how many times her just being there had lifted his spirits. She lived and breathed her daughter too, and that was something he both empathised with, and envied.

  He had an inkling she felt the same, but there was nothing to be done about it. To ask a woman to love you while you were in prison, was too much to ask. She had already done so much for him, again showing her kind nature by staying with his mum while she lay dying, a role he could not fulfil himself. Not just that, but it felt odd, sat funny on his conscience. He had been head over heels in love with Nat from the moment he met her, and that hadn’t changed following her death. All his thoughts had been of her, every day, until he had met Kate, and it felt a little like cheating on her. He was surprised to find himself feeling something for someone else, hadn’t seen it coming at all, and didn’t know how to process it.

  More and more as the weeks passed, he had found himself barely functioning until her next visit and smiling a lot for a couple of days afterwards at the memory of her, before going right back to missing her again and waiting for her next visit.

  Occasionally, he allowed himself to fantasize, imagine himself with her, holding her in his arms as though she belonged to him, as though they were a proper couple – not in here, out there somewhere in the real world. Such thoughts were not great when he was stuck in his lonely existence, but he couldn’t help himself – he wanted her. With everything inside him, he wanted her, loved her completely. How cruel life could be.

  He had two photographs on his wall – one of Natalie holding Emma, and the one his mother had sent in of the two of them. He had no photo of Kate, but she was safely stored in his memory to be picked out and viewed any time.

  He was both nervous and frightened about the funeral. Nervous because he hadn’t stepped foot in the real world for eighteen years and knew it would be bittersweet, and tough to go back through those gates once he had been out of them. Frightened that he would start crying and be unable to stop, that the funeral would act as a catalyst, sending him spiralling into a depression he knew he’d be unable to lift himself out of.

  He drifted into an uncomfortable sleep.

  * * * *

  The police car carrying Danny arrived just a few minutes before Robyn was due, and Kate had to catch a breath when he got out of the car, he looked so handsome in his suit

  (Christ, Kate, what a day to be thinking that!)

  all clean shaven, suited and booted in shiny shoes. The only thing spoiling the effect, was the foot or so of chain between him and his guard.

  She smiled a little, and he smiled back, but with tired eyes.

  “Look at you, you look so smart.”

  “So do you, Kate.” He said, looking her up and down, in her black knee-length shift dress and heels.

  “Are you alright, Danny?”

  He sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. Bit freaked out to be outside, you know? And here, aint sunk in she’s gone yet.” The hearse turned the corner and came towards them and he exhaled deeply, close to tears. “God, this is harder than I thought.”

  She took his free hand in her own, and he closed his around it gratefully. “I’m here, Danny,’ she said, her own eyes filling up too. “I’m here for you.’

  He nodded in response, unable to find any words. They followed her coffin into the church and he sat on the front row.

  “Am I allowed to sit with you?”

  He shrugged. “Dunno. Sir?”

  The guard nodded and smiled. “Course love, have a seat.”

  Kate did, momentarily noticing his name tag said M. MARRIOT GOVERNOR A WING and remembered Danny saying he was the only half decent staff member in the place.

  She took Danny’s free hand in her own again and settled it in her lap, their fingers entwined. The vicar took his place at the stand, and smiled at the congregation of three.

  “Good morning. We are here today to mourn the passing, and to celebrate the life of, Robyn Grace Edwards. She leaves behind her only son, Daniel, who would like to say a few words. Daniel, if you’d like to come up to the front?”

  He stood up and Mr Marriott stood up too. “Hang on, Danny.” He unlocked the cuff from Danny’s wrist. He nodded appreciatively and walked up to the front.

  He stood before them, looking to Kate like a man on the edge of sanity, and so fragile she just wanted to hug him. He took a crumpled piece of paper from his top pocket with shaking hands.

  He cleared his throat. “Um…I expect you’re wondering why I’m bothering, not like it’s a full house or nothing. Well…Ma would expect this from me, and it’s the very least she deserves, a decent eulogy from me. I’ll do my best. Robyn Edwards was my mum, and never a finer woman walked this planet. She was…kind, decent, tough but also gentle. She spoke her mind, and she was beautiful on the inside and the outside. She had more strength than I could ever dream of. Whatever else has been unsure in my life, she has remained my rock, standing by me when others disowned me, unfailing in her support no matter what I did. I let her down. Not just with what I did, but by turning my back on her. I saw her once in the last eighteen years, once. I thought she’d be better off without me, but it turns out she spent the best part of two decades just…grieving for me. And now, I will grieve for her, every day for the rest of my life.

  I’ve just been wondering why no one else is here. I mean…she was such a lovely woman, where are her friends, her neighbours? And I just realised, its cause of me.” He saw Kate shaking her head and nodded his in return. “It is, you know it is. She probably lost a lot of friends back then, when I was sent down and she defended me. And she never made no more, cause she shut herself away in that flat, with the memory of me and nothing else until Kate came along. Because of me, the last twenty years of her life she didn’t live at all. I feel…so, so bad about that. I was wrong to shut her out, and I can’t never fix it.” he swallowed hard and cleared his throat again.

  “I uh…I wrote something for her last night. Not much, and its…well, its crap, pardon the language. But I may as well read it out I suppose.”

  He looked at Kate, who had already begun to cry and a tear escaped down his own cheek.

  He took another deep breath and Kate closed her eyes, listening to his words.

  “When I was a baby and I woke up in tears,

  you were always there to comfort me, and wash away my fears.

  When I was a boy, you used to say to me,

  that I was something very special and you were very proud of me.

  When I was a teenager, for a while we drifted apart,

  but though I stopped saying it, you were always in my heart.

  When I became a man, I tried with all my might,

  to be all that you wanted me to be, but all I knew how to do was fight.

  I’m sorry you could not speak of me with pride,

  I’m sorry for every time because of me you cried,

  and that I was not there for you when you died.

  I’m sorry for my lies, but believe this much is true,

  no other son could ever love a mother…as much as I loved you.”

  He ran a hand along the coffin and smiled to
himself. “Well, Ma…I told ya I weren’t no poet, but at least I tried, eh? You were one in a million, Ma. I miss you, and I’m so sorry for all I put you through, I never meant to hurt you. I hope you forgave me in the end. Bye Ma.”

  He stepped down and resumed his seat, where he was immediately reattached to the handcuffs. Kate looked at him desperately and stood up quickly, just as the vicar was about to speak again.

  She smiled apologetically. “Sorry…I’d like to say something if I may?”

  The vicar gestured that it was fine with him, and Danny looked surprised but nodded his approval.

  She went to the coffin and put a hand on it, and muttered, “This is the right time, yeah?” quietly, but Danny heard her. She let out a sigh of her own.

  “Uh…I didn’t know Robyn long, but I still feel very privileged. We were best mates. I’m sorry Danny, but I think she would haunt me forever if I let you leave it like that. Um…I was with her, when she passed, and she put something in my hands, something very important to be brought out at the right moment, which I think is now. She wrote something, her own eulogy, and I’m gonna read it now. I haven’t seen it myself yet, so apologies vicar if she swears or something.”

  She took the letter out of its envelope and started to read.

  “My life wasn’t all that interesting. I never went further than Brighton, and I wasn’t smart nor did anything that left a mark on this world. But my life was far from empty, and I was happy – because of Danny.

  On New Years’ Eve 1964, I was blessed with my only son. He came into this world kicking and screaming, and has done nothing but fight and struggle since.

  He has bright blue eyes, and a beautiful smile that he rarely wears and he was, is and always will be, my pride and joy. He has never deliberately hurt me, and when I have been hurt, it’s been because of things that have been done to Danny, not things Danny has done. Life has been cruel to him, and he doesn’t deserve it. He didn’t kill his wife, I know that, Kate knows that, and Danny knows that. He has one fault – his limitless conscience.

  A eulogy is supposed to be about the life of the dead person. Well, Danny…you were my life. And as I’m dying now, it’s you I’m thinking of, and I’m smiling.

  This is what I hope for you now. You first need to accept that it’s not your fault that Natalie died. Because until you do that, you will never be alive again, or happy, and I can’t stand that thought. I want you to move on, in your mind and your heart. Then…I want you to believe you can get parole, and try for it, really try. And when you get it – yes, you will get it – move on and live your life, it’s not too late for you, but you have to start now. Mark my words, son…good things are coming your way, but you have to have just a little faith. I am proud of you, and I’ll be with you every step of the way. Bye sweetheart. With all my love ‘as always’, Mam.”

  Kate was instantly glad she had chosen to read it, mostly because although Danny was emotional, he also had a smile on his face that said it meant the world to him.

  (he wants to cry but he’s afraid to)

  “Okay…so those were her last words. Well…her last written words. Her actual last words were said long after she wrote that, and were jumbled, caught up in a haze of painkillers and drowsiness; she was high as a damn kite. First she said ‘there’s some milk in my fridge wants chucking out’ then she said ‘hand me my ciggies’ which of course I couldn’t, although if it had been down to me, I’d have let her have one last smoke…and then right before she passed…she said…‘I’m on the park, it’s Friday evening and that’s where I’ll always be because that’s where I was happiest.’ I don’t know what she meant by that, but I’m sure Danny does,” the expression on his face suggested he did, “so I guess that one is for him to think about. Finally…she had a song request. Which, if it’s okay, we’ll listen to now, before I sit down and quit hogging the funeral. It’s her favourite song, and it’s pretty obvious why. Here it is.”

  Danny knew her favourite song, she had sung it to him every night as a kid, but he knew this was the last time he would ever listen to it, because now it was bittersweet.

  Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling

  From glen to glen and down the mountain side

  The summer’s gone, and all the flowers are dying

  ‘Tis you, ‘tis you must go and I must bide

  But come ye back, when summer’s in the meadow

  And when the valley’s hushed and white with snow

  ‘Tis I’ll be here, in sunshine or in shadow

  Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so

  And if you come when all the flowers are dying

  And I am dead, as dead I well may be

  You’ll come and find the place where I am lying

  And kneel and say an ‘Ave’ for me

  And I shall hear, tho’ soft you tread above me

  And all my dreams will warm and sweeter be

  I’ll you’ll not fail to tell me that you love me

  I’ll simply sleep in peace until you come to me

  I’ll simply sleep in peace until you come to me……

  * * * *

  Afterwards they stood and watched as Robyn’s coffin was lowered into the ground, and they both threw some soil on it.

  Danny turned to Kate and smiled. “Thank you…so much.”

  Kate smiled too, a little embarrassed. “They weren’t my words, they were your mums. I was just the messenger.”

  “All the same…thank you. Not just for that, for being there for her, and here for me.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for that, Danny. She was a joy to know. And…I’ll always be here for you, okay?” something passed between them, some unspoken force of emotion and she cleared her throat, “Um…what was all that about Friday evenings anyway?” she asked, keen to change the subject.

  He grinned. “Ah…every Friday, we had a sort of ritual. Friday was the one night of the week we had to ourselves, we knew dad wouldn’t come home ‘til the early hours. She met me from school, and we went to the shop, where we bought some pear drops, chocolate raisons, and a big bag of jelly babies, and some of those liquorice laces, you know the ones?” she nodded. “Then we’d go to the park, where she’d push me on the swings for a bit. Then if it was cold or wet, we’d sit under the slide and eat the lot, bar the jelly babies. If it was sunny, we sat on the grass and sometimes she made sandwiches too. Then we’d go home, cuddle up on the sofa under a quilt, and watch TV whilst polishing off the jelly babies. I think what she meant…was that every day is Friday to her now, because that’s when we were most happy. That heaven to her is Friday evenings on the park. If that’s true…I’m so glad.” He sighed, looking down at his wrist, and the chain between him and Mr Marriott, who Kate had to admit had been very compassionate, probably more than he was supposed to be. His smile faded. “I gotta back now, Kate. See ya tomorrow?” he shuffled from foot to foot as he spoke, and in that moment to Kate looked hopelessly shy, an expression she had never seen on him but found unbelievably endearing. He had never looked more tired, or more handsome than in that moment, one hand tucked in his trouser pocket, struggling to look her in the eye, trying and failing to come across casual, as though it didn’t matter if she said no.

  She nodded and kissed his cheek. “You will, Danny. I’m sorry, you know? She was a wonderful woman.”

  “Yeah, she was. And so are you. Thanks for being here, Kate. I really needed a friendly face today.”

  “Friendly face, that’s me. Take care and try and get some sleep, you look exhausted.”

  “Yes, boss.”

  “Oh, and Danny?”

  “Mmm?”

  “‘Keep your chin up.”

  He sighed again and shook his head. “I’m trying, Kate. God knows I’m trying, but oh God…I miss her. I know that’s mad, given I chose not to see her for nearly twenty years, but this is different, it’s not by choice any more. I’m never going to see her again. I’m an orphan, Kate. I’ve got
no family at all now, I’m on my own.”

  She surprised him then, by resting her forehead against his for just a moment, and then leaning up and kissing the spot between his eyes, slowly and tenderly. “You’ll never be on your own as long as I am on this earth, I promise.”

  And with that, she turned from him and walked away.

  * * * *

  19TH FEBRAURY 2008

  She felt instantly saddened as he came into the room and sighed. He looked exhausted, and utterly miserable.

  “You didn’t sleep last night then?”

  He shook his head sadly. “No. I hate February, eternally.” He rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’d just like something good to happen to me, just for once.”

  “And it will…”

  He allowed himself to smile a little. “Ah, Kate…ever the optimist, huh? Thank you. You’re a great friend.”

  She sat down and put her head in her hands. “No I’m not, not really.”

  He frowned and sat down too. “What do you mean? Of course you are.”

  She looked up at him, suddenly very afraid. “Danny, I’ve been lying to you. And not just a little white lie either, a great big lie. Thing is…it’s time to come clean, cause you’ve been nothing but honest with me from day one, and its time I did the same for you.”

  “This sounds serious...”

  She nodded. “It is.” She thought for a minute before continuing. “Out of everything that’s happened since Natalie died, what’s been the worst thing?”

  He raised his eyebrows as if he had never been asked that. “The hardest part? Uh…” he thought for a minute and nodded to himself, “being charged, especially being charged with Natalie’s murder. I realised they didn’t believe me even a little bit, that they couldn’t see it how it had happened. And I could sense it, I knew, from that moment on, it was gonna go downhill fast. I knew I was screwed. And I wanted to see Emma, with everything inside me I did. I begged them to let me see her one more time. And they shut the cell door in my face, and something inside me tore in two. I was crushed in a split second, like…shattered into a thousand pieces.”