“How many people would have gone to so much damn effort to find out the truth about what happened? Would have potentially put themselves in danger to find out? She came here with no idea what she would be dealing with. And not just that, but who else would have spent so much time with your mum, been there for her, and held her hand while she died? Are you seriously gonna act like she’s the devil incarnate?”
Danny opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, he had no answer.
“Now I’d say you’re feeling a lot of things, but if you’re honest, anger isn’t one of them. Except maybe at yourself, for behaving like such a goddamn arsehole.”
A silence followed that, as Danny processed what he knew to be the truth. Everything hit him all at once, how he had behaved, Kate crying her heart out and then being so cold to him, so resolved, finished with him and walking away, while he had just stood there and let her leave, not fought for her at all. He wondered what sort of state she was in now.
“What have I done…?” he muttered.
* * * *
“I’m telling you Frank…something is going on there.” Jo said, as she wandered about the bar putting four beer mats on each table. “I barely see her these days, and when I do she’s…secretive, evasive. At first I thought she might have a new man, but if she has he’s no good for her, she’s miserable.”
“Have you tried…I don’t know, talking to her?” Frank said, looking up from his paper, taking three or four sharp puffs on his pipe. She smiled and rolled her eyes.
Frank Smith was the love of her life, her soulmate and partner in crime, a walking pub landlord stereotype, and old-school gentleman, but he knew absolutely nothing about women.
“Of course I have, you dingbat. But like I say…she gives nothing away. I asked Holly, and she said she’s been different for a while now, but seems okay.”
“Well, there you go then. Who knows her better than Hol?”
“Yeah, no offence to her, but Holly is eighteen. She’s in her own world, same as Tom is. They’re kids essentially, carefree, and oblivious to adult worries. But I know Kate, and something is going on.”
“Well I think-”
Frank was interrupted by knocking on the door, quiet at first and then slightly more erratic. He frowned and took the pipe from its seemingly permanent place in the corner of his mouth.
“Open in ten!” he shouted. There was a silence and then more knocking, this time more frantic. He exchanged a look with Jo, who went to the large double doors, undid the bolts on the top and opened it to a very distressed Kate, standing there dishevelled and crying.
“Kate…?” she said, all other words lost.
“Jo…” she sobbed, “I need to talk to you, can you spare some time? I know you’re meant to be opening soon…”
Jo turned to Frank and simply said, “Put the kettle on, Francis.”
* * * *
They listened, gobsmacked, as she sat with them at the table and told them everything, the words spilling out seemingly beyond her control.
“And…and then I told him I wasn’t gonna go back, that I was done. Only…the thought of not seeing him again makes me feel physically sick.”
Jo thought for a minute, searching for some words. Many scenarios had gone through her mind over the weeks and months leading up to this, but this had not been one of them.
“You uh…you have feelings for him, don’t you?”
Kate nodded, realising if she was going to tell them everything, then she had to tell them everything.
“I’m head over heels, Jo! I am…so in love with him it hurts.”
“Oh blimey Kate…”
“I know, I know. Today couldn’t have gone any worse; he looked at me like…like he hated me.”
“I imagine he was in shock. What you told him…was a massive thing for someone to process. He might have been angry, but he probably just needs some time to think it through, get his head round it.”
Frank had said nothing up to this point, but listened intently. He seemed to be trying to work something out. He frowned and sat forward.
“Danny…Danny Edwards. Oh my God, I think I knew him!”
Jo looked at him incredulously. “What?”
He nodded, as though he couldn’t believe it either. “I knew him. Well, sort of. January 1990, I went to the club to watch him box, he was a boxer…”
Kate nodded, amazed. “Yeah, he was…”
“I thought he was the business. He never got beat; he was amateur champion for years. He had a massive following, because he was damn good, and he was great with the crowds. He was…lively, very social, and a friendly guy, had time for people, you know? That night I remember it well…his wife was with him, uh…uh…”
“Natalie…” Kate said, in a daze.
“That’s right. She came to his fight. He was showing off his daughter...” He clapped a hand to his mouth. “Holy shit…Emma. Holly, I saw Holly as baby. She was two weeks old, she was tiny, she was lost in his big arms. Some people said it weren’t good, showing his vulnerable side, but he didn’t care one bit about that, he was a seriously proud daddy. I don’t believe I never made the connection before. I never realised her history, all these years…I never joined the dots. Since she’s started to grow up, I’ve always thought she reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t for the life of me work out who. Holly looks a lot like her, a lot like Natalie.” He looked up. “Sorry, I hope that don’t upset you.”
Kate shook her head. “That’s genetics. Me and Chris decided early on we wouldn’t discuss where she came from, her real parents, because…well, it didn’t matter. We didn’t even tell you guys. And then last year, she asked me for the first time. I could have just told her what I knew at the time…that her biological parents had been murdered by Danny Edwards, but I knew she’d want more information, so I decided to find out why he did it. Only he didn’t do it. Not like the official records say anyway.”
Frank nodded. “I didn’t think he did at the time. Everyone turned on him, Kate, everyone but his mother as I understand. But for me, something never sat right. See…I don’t know the in’s and out’s of his relationship with his wife. But that night was a happy night for them. And together they looked happy. The Danny Edwards I remember was a good guy, Kate. And a family man, a man who…absolutely worshipped his daughter. He was a man of integrity and manners. Old school, decent, classy, you know? He is gonna be messed up right now, because he loved her so much, and he lost her and it must be…monumental finding out where she is, and that she was with you, and being given the chance to see her again. Think about it, that’s massive. Give him some time, he’ll come around.”
Kate nodded slowly, realising that was unlikely given how badly things had gone today. “Yeah. But…in the meantime, what if anything do I tell Holly?”
Jo and Frank fell silent and then Frank nodded. “Tell her everything, even about today. Holly is a smart, mature girl she will understand.”
Jo nodded too and smiled almost sympathetically, as though glad the task didn’t fall to her. “Frank’s right, Kate…”
* * * *
The reaction Kate got from Holly was different again after she had told her everything Danny had told her, or at least the short version.
Holly frowned but seemed unperturbed. “So…he murdered my father?”
“Your biological father, yes.”
“Who raped my mother?”
“Yes.”
“And murdered my mother?”
Kate nodded. “That’s right.”
“And Danny Edwards…he’s in prison for killing them both?”
“He is…” Kate said a little sadly.
“But he only killed him?”
“Yeah.”
“So why did he plead guilty to both?” Holly said, frowning in confusion.
“Because he felt guilty – feels guilty.”
“That’s…really sad, mum.”
Kate nodded her agreement. Sad was an und
erstatement. “Yeah, it is.”
Holly put her head in her hands and sighed. “Jeez…what a mess. So this Danny, he’s like my dad?”
“As much as I’m your mum, I’d say. He loved you like a dad – loves you. He was there when you were born, and has never stopped thinking about you. He wanted to be your dad.”
“Does he know I’m-?”
“I told him everything this morning.”
“How did he take it?”
(he flipped, said he wanted nothing to do with us, and then chucked me at a wall)
Kate thought carefully for a minute, choosing her words with caution.
“Honestly? He freaked out. He thinks he has nothing to offer you and that you’re better off not knowing him.”
“And what about you, mum? What do you think?”
“He’s wrong. Guilt has eaten him up Hol; from the inside out, but at his core…he’s a good man, with a good heart. He loved you and your mother, very much, he killed in her defence. Until the night before she died, he thought he was your father, and you were his pride and joy, like you’re mine.”
Holly smiled a little at that. “Really…?”
Kate took her hand in her own and nodded. “Really. His issue is that he’s in prison and he can’t see what he can offer you while he’s in there.”
“How long has he got left?”
“He’s done nearly…eighteen years, more if you count his time on remand. He’s got a parole shot in the summer, but he’s convinced himself that he won’t get it.”
“Is there anything we can do? Get him a solicitor or something?”
“It’s not like court I don’t think, it’s more like a panel he goes before, and they’ll go over his record and stuff, and decide if he should get out.” Kate smiled slightly. “You do wanna know him then?”
“Yeah, I do. Course I do. How long have you been visiting him then?”
“Since July,” she winced, “you’re not mad are you? That I never said before…”
“No…although I’m surprised you managed to keep a secret. It makes sense though now, I mean you’ve been so…different with me. More easy going, looser. I guess his story kinda got to you…”
“Yeah, it did. Made me realise how precious health and freedom are.”
Holly nodded and took a sip of her coffee. “What’s he like?”
Kate couldn’t help but smile conjuring up a picture of him in her head. “Well…he’s tall – over six and a half foot I’d say. Seems that wide too, he’s a pretty big guy. He used to be a boxer, almost made it professional, and he’s still well-built, muscular, you know? He has dark brown hair, and big blue eyes. Personality-wise…he’s got a lot of sides, so it depends on which one you get. He can be…obnoxious, cheeky, sharp…but he can also be kind, polite, very smart and funny, when he’s feeling okay. He’s very…deep, although he puts a front on when he needs to. He aint perfect, I mean he’s got a bit of a temper and can be a bit…rude when he’s in a bad mood, but with everything he’s been through. I guess that’s to be expected. He’s plain speaking, you know? Says what he thinks.”
“Where did the red hair come from? I mean it’s not ginger, its red – some people think I dyed it this colour.”
“From your mother, from Natalie. It’s what attracted him to her, her long red hair.”
Holly sighed. “This is all so sad. But it means a lot to know…I wasn’t abandoned. It wasn’t that I was unwanted.”
“Far from it, sweetie. When it all happened, he was taken away by the police and he never saw you, or your mum again. His mother tried to get you, but they said she was too old, and that Danny had no rights as far as you were concerned. He wanted you, and loved you, and that’s not changed.”
(not technically anyway)
“What did he actually say, when he found out? I know you said he was shocked, but was he happy?”
Kate lit herself another cigarette and rubbed her eyes. What to do? Be completely honest? Soften the blow a bit, or out and out lie?
“Hol…honestly? He was happy to know you were safe and well, and loved, but he doesn’t think you should see him. He thinks he’s bad for you, um…not worthy, I guess. We kinda argued. Yeah, we argued a lot actually. Things got out of hand. He was mad that I’ve been lying to him; I got mad that he was mad at me. Stuff was said, and he just said he couldn’t see it working…” she saw the disappointment in Holly’s eyes and met her gaze, “but he’s just in shock. He needs some time to think it through; it was a massive, massive thing to find out. We just finished going through everything that happened, and that was hard enough for him, and then his mum just died, so he’s going through the mill at the moment.” She thought for a minute, choosing words carefully to explain it. “Imagine…not allowing yourself to feel anything for the best part of twenty years, and then going through all that in just a few weeks. He’s changed since I first met him, the first time he was cocky and rude, trying to scare me off I reckon. And after that he carried on being rude and bossy and stubborn, but over time he’s mellowed and let me in, and I’ve seen a different side. But the Danny I saw today was a little unhinged, on the verge of a meltdown even, and I’m worried about him if I’m honest.”
“How often can you visit?”
“Once a fortnight, for an hour.”
Holly frowned. “That’s all he’s allowed?”
“Yeah. He’s a lifer so that’s the rules. And the thing is, today I told him I was done with him. That I wouldn’t go back. I didn’t mean it, I was upset, but he probably thinks I meant it. So I’m gonna worry a lot.”
Holly took her hand and rubbed it gently, smiling a little. “You uh…you really like him, don’t you? I can tell when you talk about him. There’s a sparkle in your eye.”
Kate sighed and took a drag of her cigarette, looking down at her hands. “No, Hol…I don’t just like him. I’ve fallen in love with him. Head over heels, like some silly school girl, at my age.”
Holly had taken another sip of her coffee and almost spat the lot back out. “What? Are you serious?”
Kate smiled feebly. “I am.”
“Does he know?”
“No,” Kate said, as though the very idea was preposterous, “course not. Well not as such. I sort of said something today but I don’t think he took it completely seriously in the context I said it, cause we were both mad. But no, I didn’t go into detail, didn’t push the issue.”
“Why not?”
She shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. “Because…he won’t feel the same, he doesn’t feel the same, or he’d have said. He told me to un-feel whatever I was feeling. Eighteen years, and he’s still grieving for his wife. How inappropriate is it for me to love him? He looks to me as a friend, and I don’t wanna spoil it. He needs a mate, not some mad woman confessing her love for him.”
“But mum…what if he does feel the same? What if he does? You say you fell out today, well…that’s what attraction does. Passion, it ignites you, you know? You have to take a risk sometimes, mum. Maybe…when he gets, out he could come and live with us, like a proper family.”
“Whoa, Holly. Slow down. Don’t you need some time to get your head round this? I mean…you don’t actually know him.”
“But you do. And not only do you think he’s a good man, but you’re in love with him. That’s good enough for me, I trust your judgement. He’s as good as family, aint he? Next time you see him, can I come?”
“Oh…I don’t think so, hun. I doubt he’d agree to it. He wouldn’t let his mother visit him, you know. Not for eighteen years. He only saw her once; let me bring her to hear the last part of his story, right before she died. That’s how much he hates people seeing him there.”
“He had no one to talk to all those years, that’s horrible. But then…he let you visit? Why?”
“To start with he said he was just curious. Then we became friends. He only told me all this stuff because he thought I was a student. Now he knows I lied to him, and he’s so mad, I’ll
be lucky if he ever lets me visit him again.”
“How angry was he?”
“Pretty damn mad…he shouted, a lot. So did I. I think he was just completely floored by it all. He wouldn’t discuss it properly, and I lost my temper, and so did he. All we can do now, is wait and see how he feels when he’s had a chance to think. The ball is in his court really. Look…why don’t you write him a letter? Tell him how much you want to meet him, and maybe you can persuade him, huh?”
Holly grinned and nodded. “I’ll do that now.” She went to the kitchen door, stopped and turned around. “Mum?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for going to all this trouble for me. It’s amazing, and I appreciate it so much.”
Kate smiled. “It’s a pleasure; you know I’d do anything for you.”
Chapter Thirteen
2.35AM
Danny sat on the edge of his bed in the darkness, struggling to make sense of the day’s events, trying to figure out what he was going to do next. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, illuminated slightly by the little light that came in through the filthy window, and frowned when he realised he barely recognised the man staring back at him with wide, frightened eyes, framed with dark circles.
He had tried to sleep, but his mind was too active, and his back ached with all the bruises from the afternoon’s escapade in the yard.
Tears rolled freely, silently, down his cheeks, and he realised he was finally going through the breakdown he had always known would happen one day. He had always known that sooner or later, he would tip over the edge of the emotional cliff that was his life, and now here he was, teetering on the edge, losing his balance and wondering how come it had taken so long to get here.
His thoughts were an odd mix of everything imaginable, leaving him bewildered, disorientated, and afraid. He was happy for himself, knowing where his baby was and that she was safe, and knowing for sure she had had a brilliant, happy upbringing with Kate. He felt despair too though, believing in his heart of hearts that he was never going to be a free man and have the future he wanted, he was never going to be the man they wanted him to be, would never be good enough.
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