And then, of course, there was the overwhelming guilt for Natalie’s sake. Why should he get another chance, when she never would? He was so deeply sad, knowing he was no good for her, and that she’d be better off without him, and it hurt to admit that. Holly was the missing piece that completed him, but it was not the same for her. She had been a baby when it all happened, it was not deeply rooted in her memory like it was in his, and he knew it was better that way. To want to see her again, to agree to meet her, would be nothing short of…of…
(selfishness)
That was the exact word, and selfish he was not. If she wanted him, it was only because she didn’t understand what he was like, what he had done, to cause her mother’s death.
And then, of course, there was today, and how he had treated Kate, shouting at her, scaring her the way he had. Why did he always hurt the women he loved? He had caused the end of Natalie’s life, ruined his mother’s and now there was Kate and Holly, and he didn’t want to make the same mistake with them
(you deserve to be dead for all you’ve done)
That voice seemed to come from nowhere, and he thought it spoke the truth as plain and simple as it could be
(so do it, do the best thing you can do for them, spare Holly the pain and disappointment of meeting you and finding out what a monster you really are)
He felt himself beginning to calm down a little, the calmest he had felt all day, relief sweeping over him like a tidal wave, the kind of relief that only came from suddenly finding the solution to a problem that had driven him to the brink of madness for eighteen years – how to find peace.
He looked around the cell, letting his eyes adjust to the half-light, and they fell on the cage around his light fitting, something that he had been sitting suffering unimaginably under for all these years, unaware it was the key to everything, his ticket to the only freedom he could hope for. A cage within a cage, he felt a mild sense of irony that this cage would free him from the burden of all the crippling guilt that had killed him years ago, leaving behind only a shell. All the rot that was left behind of Danny Edwards, boxer, son, husband, father, now reduced to ‘inmate’ – nothing more, nothing less.
A smile spread across his face, but it was the smile of a madman.
He stood up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, wincing when he caught the corner near his eyebrow, cut and bruised. He scanned his cell – all eight square feet of it – for something he could use that would be strong enough to take his weight, something that wouldn’t give.
His eyes settled on the bed.
He pulled the blanket off and grabbed the sheet, feeling the sane part of his brain shutting off, leaving only crazy Danny to decide his fate.
He tore a strip off it, and made a makeshift noose
(you’d make a crap sailor with a knot like that, Danny boy)
and put it around his neck, feeling a huge rush of adrenalin sweep over him, making him gasp and then smile again.
He dragged his stool over from by the window (caked with dirt, and barely possible to see out of with the wire over it, and the bars obscuring any kind of decent view), trying not to make too much noise, and positioned it below the light, climbing up onto it. He tied the other end to it and took a long deep breath, now shaking uncontrollably.
He knew there was some math to this, something in the length of the rope and the distance to the floor that would make this quick and painless, but there was no time for such things. It was, he thought; best just to get it over with.
He thought about saying a prayer for himself, but decided against it. There was no chance of him being saved, no forgiveness for Danny Edwards, murderers didn’t go to heaven, or people who took their own lives.
* * * *
What happened next seemed to happen in slow motion, and though at the time it was a hideous blur, it was a memory that would stay with him for the rest of his days.
He kicked the stool out from beneath his feet, watched it roll over to the door, and felt himself drop suddenly, his feet stopping just five or six inches from the cold stone floor. He closed his eyes and instinctively grabbed at the noose, despite trying to make himself stop
(something’s wrong, why aint you dead yet?)
and that was when the panic set in
(my God, you idiot, you’re gonna choke to death and it’s gonna take hours)
As if to add insult to injury, that was when sane Danny returned, and with him the realisation that somewhere deep inside, there was a part of him that didn’t want to die.
His hands went back to the sheet around his neck, desperately trying to loosen it, but it was only getting tighter, cutting into him the more he tugged on it. He opened his mouth to shout for help, but no sound came out. He swung frantically from side to side, trying to get his legs up on the bed, anything to relieve the pressure, trying but not quite managing it.
(what are Kate and Holly gonna think? You haven’t even left a note; they’ll blame themselves for this)
He heard an alarm coming from what sounded to him like very far away, and then his door flung open and the next thing he knew, Mr Marriot had a hold of his legs, lifting him up
(guy’s stronger than he looks)
and then the sheet was cut, and they both fell to the floor, Danny clutching his throat, retching, all but choking to death, Mr Marriot trying to catch his breath. The sheet was still tight about his throat, and he gasped for air, finding none, his vision clouding over as his oxygen decreased to almost nothing. He could feel hands at it, and then it was loose and he took one deep breath and coughed again, wheezing and retching for all he was worth.
He managed to get onto his hands and knees, and vomited violently, feeling all the worse for it and collapsed onto his stomach again. Mr Marriot crawled over to him, and put an arm over his shoulders.
“Jesus Christ, Danny! Are you okay?”
Danny looked up at him and tried to speak but still nothing would come out.
Mr Marriot reached for his radio. “Medical emergency, A wing, cell 218, we have a suicide attempt, request ambulance and on site doctor a.s.a.p. Quick as possible, he can’t breathe!”
He dropped his radio and knelt by Danny’s side, putting him in the recovery position. He allowed himself to be moved, too weak to do anything else, and just stared straight ahead at the open door to his cell, taking shallow breaths in and out, gasping for more oxygen that didn’t seem to want to be as readily available as it should be.
“I’m alright…” he mumbled, “just give me a minute…”
* * * *
The doctor arrived quickly, as Danny was beginning to think that sleep was a good idea. He was suddenly completely exhausted, with no strength at all. He closed his eyes, listening to the voices coming from far away, and when he opened them again, two paramedics were there.
He tried again to move, and this time he was able to. He hauled himself up to a seated position and rested his back against the wall, letting out a groan. He put his head back as they began to examine his neck and the ring of purple bruises already forming there.
“How long was he there when you found him, do you know?” one of them asked Mr Marriott.
Mr Marriot shook his head at them. “I don’t know. I did my last check about half an hour before I found him, and he was fine then. I don’t think he was there long though.”
“Did he lose consciousness at all?” he asked, putting an oxygen mask over Danny’s face.
“I am here, you know,” Danny croaked, “you can talk to me.”
“Danny, were you there long before you were found?”
“No, I’d just done it.” he said. As the minutes passed he began to feel gradually better, albeit sore. The pure, fresh oxygen was like a godsend.
“How are you feeling now?”
“Oh, never better. There’s nothing like throwing up on an empty stomach, or almost strangling yourself to death. I’d be a lot better if I could just be left alone.”
“We just want to help.
”
“No you don’t,” he croaked, “not really, you wanna get the hell out of here. Funny that, so do I. Difference is, you can go. So go ahead.”
“Danny…” Mr Marriot said in a warning sort of tone.
He rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t unconscious; my vision went a bit funny, but only briefly. Bit light headed but then I did just try to hang myself. Bruised and cut my fingers trying to free myself. My throat hurts like hell, but I’m sure it’ll heal, right? Didn’t have enough time to do no serious damage, so all is well, eh?”
The paramedics looked at each other and one of them nodded. “Okay, we’re gonna take you to hospital, because you’ve been in a semi-conscious state and we want them to do a few checks. You’ll probably only have to stay a night or two. You’re getting a trip out of here, Mr Edwards.”
“I don’t want a trip out of here,” he protested, “I don’t need to…”
“You don’t want to leave the prison, be on the outside for a couple of days?”
Danny looked at him. He didn’t get it, of course he didn’t, he never could. “Not knowing I have to come back here, no.”
“It’ll be fine,” Mr Marriott said, and Danny knew he understood, “you can have Kate visit you and get some proper sleep in a decent bed-”
“I don’t want Kate bothered with this,” he said suddenly. The idea of her seeing him like this horrified him.
“I have to inform her anyway, she’s sort of your next of kin on your file since, your mother passed away.”
“Inform her if you must. And tell her I’m fine, I made a mistake, but I’m fine. Leave it at that.”
“Danny-”
“For Christ’s sake! Please, just…” he realised he was beginning to sound irate and was suddenly conscious of who he was talking to in such a tone, the chat was informal but he was still a superior officer. “Just…leave it at that.”
Mr Marriot sighed again and relented. “Alright, okay. Let’s just get you to the hospital. You might feel differently tomorrow.” He looked up at the paramedics. “The police should have been called automatically when you were called, did they come with you?”
“Yes. There’re two officers waiting outside.”
Mr Marriott nodded. “Then we have our escort, and we’re all set.”
“I don’t wanna go…” Danny said, knowing it was futile. The decision had been made, and as was normal for him, he hadn’t been consulted, least of all given a choice. His heart thumped in his chest at the idea of being out there for an extended length of time. The funeral was one thing – it was small and intimate – the hospital would be big, and packed full of people.
No one seemed to have heard him, they were all busying themselves. He felt odd, detached somehow, and then everything seemed to blur before him. He heard his name a couple of times, and then everything went black.
* * * *
20TH FEBRUARY
7AM
Holly came downstairs to find her mum already sitting at the breakfast table, smoking a cigarette and drinking a coffee. She frowned.
“Whoa, mum…you look terrible, have you slept?”
Kate shook her head. “Not much. I’ve got this…niggling feeling, can’t shake it. Been up for hours, just…fretting, I-”
The phone rang, interrupting her and she knew right away it was about Danny. She picked it up and answered with a shaky voice.
“H-hello?”
“Hi is that Kate Marshall?”
Her heart sank. “It is.”
“My name is Michael Marriot, I’m-”
“You’re from the prison.” She finished for him.
“I am yes,” he said.
“Is Danny okay?” she asked, already knowing he wasn’t.
“Not really, but he will be I’m sure. He had a rough day yesterday. He was attacked in the yard not long after he left you. And in the early hours of this morning, he tried to take his own life.”
Kate sat bolt upright. “He what…?”
“I’m sorry to call you so early with bad news like this. He was obviously unsuccessful, but he’s been taken to hospital. He tried to hang himself, made a mess of it. He said it would be okay to call you, but insisted you don’t need to come see him, but obviously if you want to…”
“Of course,” Kate said without hesitation, ignoring Holly tugging her sleeve imploring her for information, “I’ll be there in half an hour. And they’ll let me in to…”
“I’m there now, he has a police escort and me with him, but he’s going nowhere. I can tell you more when you get here.”
“Thank you. Thanks for calling.”
“See you soon Mrs Marshall.”
She let the phone slip from her hand and looked up at Holly, who was looking at her, concerned.
“Well? Mum, what’s happened?”
“Danny tried to kill himself last night…” She said in a daze. She was gobsmacked, for some reason she hadn’t ever thought he would try this. “He’s alright, but they want me to go in and see him.”
“Oh my God,” Holly sunk into the seat beside her, and sighed, “It’s cause of me aint it?”
“Oh, no…don’t think that. He’s been through a lot lately. And if I was there, I’d wanna top myself too. I’ll talk to him, and he’ll be okay. Have you got that letter sweetheart?”
“Yeah…”
“I’ll take it with me. He’ll be alright, and I’ll call you as soon as I know more. Oh crap!”
“What?”
“I had four damn glasses of wine last night, I can’t drive.”
Holly nodded without hesitation. “I’ll take you.”
“Yeah, but sweetheart…”
“I wanna see him, mum. I won’t make myself known, I promise. That’s the last thing he needs, but I wanna see him, with my own eyes. He need never know.”
“He’s not gonna look good.”
“No, I know. Like I say…I just wanna see him in the flesh. Otherwise, you gotta wait for a taxi. It’s up to you.”
Kate hesitated for just a moment and nodded reluctantly. “Okay, alright. But please don’t let him see you. He would freak out if he knew you were there while he’s so…fragile.”
Holly nodded and grabbed her coat. “Okay, I promise. So let’s go.”
* * * *
When they arrived at the hospital, they were directed to a room down the hall and got there to find Mr Marriott standing outside with a police officer. He extended his hand and Kate shook it.
“Mrs Marshall, I’m-”
“Mr Marriott, I remember you from the funeral.”
“Of course…”
“Is he alright?” he glanced at Holly and Kate smiled, “this is my daughter, Holly.”
“Oh right…” he said, realisation spreading on his face, “Danny’s…”
Holly nodded. “That’s me. I drove mum here, because she had a drink last night and couldn’t drive. I’m not gonna see him, though. I don’t wanna freak him out.”
“Well, he’s asleep at the minute anyway. He passed out in his cell, didn’t come round until about half an hour ago, then went straight back to sleep. He’s gonna be alright, they said. Bruised his neck pretty bad, but I literally got there just as he’d done it, so I managed to get him down quickly. He was talking and that, but then just…went out like a light, probably from the oxygen restriction. They wanna keep him under observation overnight, so he’s here until tomorrow some time. He won’t like that…”
“Why not?” Holly asked.
“A lot of long term inmates don’t like leaving the prison. It takes them out of their comfort zone. Danny hasn’t been in a busy public place for nearly twenty years, it could be…overwhelming. Luckily, they got a room for him, think it works best for them too, people tend to freak out when they see someone from a prison here.” He thought for a minute. “I know he’s been very freaked out by recent…events. I know he was very upset after his mother’s funeral, and after his run in with you, Kate…I don’t know if he’s ready
to…”
Holly nodded. “I’m not gonna go in there. I just wanted to get a look at him. He’s been almost mythical to me. I wanna see him as a real, actual person.”
Mr Marriott smiled and nodded, stepping aside. “Well…take a look. Only be prepared, like I said, he took a kicking yesterday, and his neck is bruised too.”
Holly nodded absently at the same speech she had had from her mum. She got it, knew he wasn’t exactly going to look good. She just wanted to see him.
She walked slowly to the window on her own, and stopped, making her eyes look up and inside. Kate watched her closely, concerned, and saw her expression change from shock, to a fascination, her head cocked to the left. She simply stood watching for a while, and eventually Kate walked to her and put an arm around her waist.
“Are you alright?”
Holly nodded, smiling through tears. “Mmm…so this is my dad.”
Kate looked through the glass, just about managing to contain her own shock and nodded. “Yep, this is he.”
Holly nodded. “He’s good looking, are you sure he’s not my real dad?”
Kate laughed a little and shook her head. “Not biologically. Safe to say he’s looked better, babe. But he’ll get better. And things will come good, for all of us.”
“I know. So I’m gonna go now. Now I have a face for the name.” she turned to Kate and sighed. “Help him, mum. And tell him how you feel, life is so short. He could be dead now, and he’d never have known. He needs to know. And give him my letter. And a hug from me. And tell him I love him too.”
Kate smiled and nodded. “I will, love. I’ll call you later, alright? I don’t know what time I’ll be home, I’ll get a taxi. I’ll sort it all out, I promise. Have I ever let you down?”
Holly smiled and kissed her cheek. “Never. Never ever. Okay, so…see you later. I’ll text you.”
Kate nodded and watched her leave, then turned back to Mr Marriott. “Is he really gonna be okay? How bad was it when you found him?”
He sighed and gestured to a couple of seats in the hallway. They both sat down and he thought for a minute before answering.
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