“I won’t lie…he scared the crap out of me. I mean, it was one hell of a day at work. I started at eight, split shift. Four hours on, eight off, then back on. First, he had the run in with you, then went outside and got kicked about the yard…then I went home, assuming he just needed some time to sort his head out, you know? Cause that’s what Danny does, he likes to be alone. I came back, I was an hour or so off the end of my shift, something in me told me to do a sweep. I looked in through his hatch and all I saw was legs, dangling. Well, swinging wildly from side to side. He was fighting it, trying to get his feet on the bed I reckon. I hit the alarm, got in there and grabbed his legs, lifting him. And let me tell you, he is a ton weight. I managed to get him down, and he was choking and coughing. He was okay while the paramedics saw to him, I mean, he was talking a bit, but then he blacked out.”
“God…” Kate muttered, shaking her head in disbelief.
“I talked to a doctor here, and they said he’s gonna be okay. It’s his head I’m worried about. He’ll automatically go on suicide watch when he’s taken back. Parole is coming up, and I think he’ll get it, and I want him to be right for it.” She looked at him, surprised and he smiled. “You seem surprised by that. We’re not all ogres, you know. I like Danny, I’ve known him since day one, and I know what I believe about his wife and what happened. I want to see him out of that place, and I will help him all I can. I don’t think he wanted to face you here, like this, but I called you anyway because I know you’re the only person can help him. The only person he will listen to, if he lets you in. But you know if he doesn’t I have to respect his wishes…”
Kate nodded. “Yeah, I know. But I’ll stay, as long as it takes, to get him to talk to me; you make sure he knows that. Stubborn little…” she trailed off and Mr Marriott smirked.
“You certainly do have the measure of him.” He stood up and walked to the window. “Oh, look out…someone’s awake.”
She jumped out of her seat and to the window. Danny was looking around him, confused and she smiled to herself, pleased to see him awake at least.
* * * *
When he came to, for a minute or two he had no idea where he was. He blinked awake, looking around him in confusion, surveying his surroundings and himself and moved his hands to rub his eyes, finding immediately that his right hand didn’t want to cooperate. He glanced down and saw that it was cuffed to a pole on the side of his bed and groaned.
(hospital, you’re in hospital you idiot)
Sure enough, he was in a hospital bed, in a separate room. The door to the room was shut, but he could see the outline of the police officer standing out there through the glass. There were windows along the right side of the room, and people walked backwards and forwards just a metre or so away from him, totally free, and totally oblivious to him in here.
He coughed and found his throat was incredibly sore. A glass of water sat tantalisingly close on the table by the bed, but on his right side, and his hand wouldn’t reach anywhere near close enough. He managed to sit up and swung his legs around the side of the bed. He was wearing one of the hospital gowns, wondering as he supposed everyone did, who had had the displeasure of getting his clothes off his passed out, dead weight body.
“I can see your bum, you know.”
He turned to the voice, to find Kate standing looking at him, her expression giving nothing away.
“You shouldn’t be looking…” he said with a calmness he didn’t feel. Mr Marriott stood in the open doorway, smirking, and then stepped out into the hall, but he stayed close by and left the door open.
She shrugged, still not smiling, or frowning or anything. “Well you shouldn’t put it on display then.”
“Just be glad this thing’s not front fastening,” he said and risked a small smile.
“Can I come in, or are you gonna boot me out?”
He looked at her, feigning surprise. “You mean I actually have a choice about something?”
“If you don’t want me in here, I can’t be in here. And if you don’t want me here…there’s no point to me stopping anyways.”
He let out a sigh and ran his left hand through his hair. “You’ve seen me now anyways, what little pride I had left is gone.” She smiled, more of a grimace then a proper smile and let out a deep sigh. He looked away uncomfortably. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you feel sorry for me. I’m sorry, okay?”
“Sorry for what?” she asked. “For shouting at me, for pushing me, for turning your back on Hol..? For trying to kill yourself or that you’re not dead?”
He smiled feebly “All of the above? Except the last one…”
She frowned and sat beside him on the bed. “So…you didn’t really wanna die, you don’t wanna die?”
“No, I guess not. Didn’t want this, though. Don’t wanna be here.”
“Mr Marriott said…”
“He called you?”
“Yeah, he did. Said you didn’t want me to come here, but of course I was gonna.”
He rolled his eyes at that. “Yeah, with you being so damn stubborn and all…”
“I’m here because I care about you…” she sighed again and a tear rolled down her cheek. His neck was certainly a mess; black with bruises, and deep red purple lines criss-crossing each other where the sheet had dug in. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair dishevelled. “God Danny…I don’t know what I expected but you look awful. I’m so worried about you.”
“You shouldn’t waste time worrying about me, Kate. I aint worth it.”
“You are to me,” she said, with total sincerity.
“Don’t get upset, Kate…”
She frowned. “Don’t get upset? I tell you I have your daughter, thinking you’ll be happy – shocked, but happy. I leave, the very same day you get yourself beaten up and try to kill yourself. Of course I’m upset.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry.”
He looked at her and it was his turn to frown. “Sorry? Sorry for what?”
“I tipped you over the edge. It was too much, with everything else so…raw.”
He shook his head. “No…it weren’t like that. Don’t blame yourself. You told me something that was so wonderful…my baby girl is safe and what’s more she’s been in the best possible place, with the best possible person. That’s huge to me. I just…went into self-pity mode. I was a ticking bomb, mad with myself for the way I behaved with you, and scared, confused, messed up…this bloke reckoned I looked at him funny, he said something, I said something, and he went for me. And I just couldn’t be bothered to fight back, not properly. Plus, I was outnumbered. It was over in a flash, no big deal, but it riled me up.”
“What made you…you know…try to…”
“Later at night, I was still awake, couldn’t sleep. I caught a look at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted with what I saw. How low I’d got. I didn’t recognise the man I was seeing. And I was scared, that it was too late to turn things around. And I just felt…sick, and so low like I’ve never felt before. It seemed like the only option left. Cause I’m tired of being in suspended animation, you know? Having no life, being lonely and scared…”
“What are you scared of Danny?”
He thought for a minute. “I’m scared that I will never be able to have what I want…”
She nodded, hesitating before continuing. “And uh…what do you want?”
“I want to get to know Holly. I want to get out of prison, and have a proper life. I want what you talked about.”
She let out a sigh of almost relief, and couldn’t help but smile. “It’s good to hear you admit that…”
“But I can’t have it…” he said sadly, “I feel so close to the life that I want…but it’s so far away. And Kate…I can’t do it. I can’t be in there anymore. I can’t be me anymore. They sent for paramedics, and they didn’t even talk to me, they talked to Mr Marriot. I wasn’t even worth talking directly to. It’s the same here, the nurses, t
hey avoid talking to me. I pretend to be asleep to avoid the awkwardness. To them, to the world, I’m just…a murderer. Is that all I’m ever gonna be, is the stigma gonna stick? Ex con forever? Is Holly gonna see right through me, and see what I am?”
“You can be so much more than that.” Kate said, taking his left hand in her own, feeling him shaking. “I told Holly about you…”
He nodded, trying to come across nonchalant. “Yeah? How’d she take it?”
Kate scoffed. “Better than you did.”
“She probably has more emotional maturity than me…”
“She does that. She was so happy, Danny. So excited, she wants to meet you. She wants you to be a father to her, she needs you too, you know. You have to have a bit of faith, dare to believe that you’ll get out…take the risk, sometimes you just have to, no matter how scared you are. And if…if you don’t get parole, we’ll still be here. We’ll always be here for you.”
“Why would you do that?”
Kate smiled a little shyly. “Because…because we care about you. Because we’re your family, if you want us to be.”
“It’s so much to ask…”
“It’s not, because it’s what we want. Question is…do you want it?”
She was afraid of the answer and almost burst into tears as he nodded. “More than anything. But…”
“But what?”
He rubbed his eyes and groaned, then looked at her again through bloodshot, tired eyes. “It’s just…I just…”
She frowned again and stood up, pulling the covers back. “Lie down again, you should be resting…”
To her surprise he did without protest and she pulled the covers up, briefly holding his right hand in her own, examining the cuff disapprovingly. “Tell me…what’s eating you up so bad. There’s something you’re not saying…”
“Okay…so there is something. I mean…there’s something…huge, that I know you should know…but once it’s said, it can’t be taken back, and it might change everything completely, so that you can’t even look at me no more. It might mean that I lose you altogether, and I don’t want to. But, I can’t agree to nothing, make promises, because I know this thing that I need to say, only I don’t think I can say it out loud. It’s been tearing me apart inside for ages, and-”
“What is it?” she asked, worried. Whatever it was, it had him worked up to the point of distraction, running scared, “whatever it is, it can’t be that bad. Just tell me, you know I won’t judge you, and I could never hate you or nothing. I know I said…some things, some bad things, but I was angry, Danny. Things got heated but you know I care about you…”
“Well…it’s a bit…the thing is…” he opened his mouth several times to speak, each time nothing came out. She simply waited patiently, knowing sooner or later he would just come out with it. “You must sort of already have guessed, I mean…I’ve tried not to show it, but it’s there…and to me it’s been there ages, and might as well be on a flashing neon sign on my damn forehead.”
Kate shook her head, frustrated. “Danny, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He sighed. “Well…the thing is…” he ran his fingers through his hair and began chewing on his thumbnail in a way that Kate found made him seem breathtakingly vulnerable. “Well, I lo-” he stopped; the word stuck in his throat and in his head, finished the sentence with love you. Why couldn’t he just say it, why was he so afraid? “I really care about you, Kate, as more than a friend. And I think, if I weren’t in prison, you and I…we could maybes really have something, something amazing.”
She didn’t say anything immediately; she was blown away and unsure if she dared to believe she had heard him right.
“You care for me? Like…like a friend?”
He shook his head, now it was out there he was determined she understood exactly what he was saying. “No…it’s more than that, Kate. I kinda love you. Like…I’m in love with you…”
“Oh…”
“Yeah, I’m afraid it’s true,” he said, almost apologetically, “and it’s been eating me up for ages, wrestling with my conscience, and wanting to say something…but I’ve been thinking, see? About Natalie and what she’d think…and I wanna think maybe she’d be happy, and be comfortable with me feeling so much for someone else…but is that just wishful thinking? Am I kidding myself, trying to make it alright when it aint? And what about you, and what’s best for you? And what does this matter, surely it depends on how you feel, and I haven’t even asked you, and my head is all over the place thinking about this, and everything else, and sometimes I think I’m losing my marbles, and-”
“Danny…” Kate smiled. “Take a deep breath.” He did and she turned on the bed to face him properly. “Listen to me very closely, okay? And don’t freak out.”
He nodded, calming down. “Yeah…sorry.”
She grinned. “I love you.” She said, putting her hands on his face, her fingers in his soft dark hair.
He frowned. “Come again?”
She nodded, as though even she couldn’t believe it. “You heard, you great lump! I feel the same as you do. I told you that yesterday, and you told me whatever I was feeling I should un-feel, but I can’t, and what’s more, I don’t want to.”
He thought for a moment, and shook his head slowly. “But…why?”
She frowned, as though the answer to that should be obvious. “Why?”
“Why would you love me?”
“Because you’re amazing, Danny. All you’ve been through and you’re still standing. You’re funny, clever, and let’s face it…hot. I have so much respect for you. I’ve fallen for you. I didn’t plan to, certainly didn’t expect to, but…there you go. It’s not so ridiculous; you’re a great person, just far too hard on yourself. I’m not seeing this as some sort of cheesy romance novel…I know you, well I think, inside out, good and bad, faults and all…and I love you. Yes, there’s stuff you’ve done that’s not so good, but it was a long time ago, and I know that your regrets are genuine, and that you were young, and a bit wild maybe, and hey…we’re all human, all do and say stuff we regret. I know, in order for anything to really happen, you need to get out of there too, and I want to see that happen, for all of us. I know it can. I have an offer for you, if you’re willing to consider it.”
He swallowed hard and nodded. “I’m listening.”
“Try to believe in the possibility of good things happening. Parole could happen, and as long as there’s hope, you have to hang onto it. You have to. Bad things happen all the time, Danny. Good things happen too though; only with good things…they sometimes take a bit of work. When you get out, you come and stay with us. It’s what I want, and it’s what Holly wants. We can be there to support you, help you build a life, and maybe between us we can build a family. Let’s not…complicate things as far as you and me goes, not yet. We can get to that, naturally as time goes on, when we’ve got to know each other, outside on a day to day basis. Just say…you’ll focus on getting out, that’s step one. Then we’ll take it from there. What do you think?”
He thought again, overwhelmed and unsure what to say. “Kate…that sounds perfect. I just wish I could believe it could happen. I never wanted it more.” He smiled weakly. “I never wanted it at all, until you came along. But you know, I’m so used to being there, I can’t imagine why they’d let me out.”
“Ask yourself why they wouldn’t. You’ve caused no real bother, you’ve served eighteen years without protest, or appeal, and you’ve more than paid for what happened, even if the debt was never really yours to start with. When I say you did some bad stuff, I’m talking about some of the things you said to Natalie, when you were arguing, and hitting her, I’m not talking about the other stuff, the stuff you were convicted of – wrongly convicted of. When the parole comes through, go in there, be humble, be honest…and they will let you out. And we’ll be a family. Above all, all I want from you now…is a promise. I need you to promise me, you’ll never try something like thi
s again. You’ll keep your head down, grit your teeth, and power through. Because I couldn’t bear to lose you, especially not when I haven’t even had a chance yet…to show you how wonderful life can be. You’re not alone. Someone is always thinking of you. What do you say?”
“I…” he started, and was interrupted by a buzzing noise. Kate took her phone from her pocket, smiling apologetically.
“Excuse me…” she read it to herself and smiled, showing him. “Read this…”
He did, intrigued,
FROM: HOLLY MOB
MUM! I HOPE YOU’VE TOLD HIM YOU LOVE HIM, PROPERLY! HUG HIM FRM ME, TELL HIM I LUV HIM N IM THINKIN OF HIM. I LUV U BOTH N CANT W8 4 US TO BE A FAMILY. CALL ME! CURIOSITY KILLING ME. TEXT ME WEN U LEAVE N WE’LL MEET 4 LUNCH MY SHOUT? LUV U SO MUCH. P.S. DON’T U DARE CHICKEN OUT LOL!
Kate rolled her eyes as Danny laughed a little. “That’s Holly in a nutshell, straight to the point. She knows me too well…”
“She sounds wonderful.” He shook his head in amazement. “You’ve done an amazing job with her, Kate. Better than I could have done.” He pulled himself up the bed and sighed. “She really wants us to be a family?”
“She does. Holly is a lot like me in some ways, but in others we’re quite different. I often lack the courage to say what I feel, but she will just…come out with it. She wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it. She wants you in her life; please…please say you want her too. And tell me please that you’ll try.”
He thought about that and nodded. “I can promise to try. And I will never do this again, I promise you that. You realise though, that everything rests on the parole. Because I can’t stick another year in that place, I’ve had it. I’m ready to move on.”
She smiled broadly. “I know. And if…the worst does happen, we’ll still be there for you. That will never change; we won’t give up on you. Holly thought you did this because of her-”
“Oh, no…I never-”
“It’s okay, I set her straight. It’s time for something good, Danny. I’m gonna go soon I reckon, but I’ll come back, maybes tonight, if they let me, huh? In the meantime why don’t you have a read of this,” she handed him an envelope, “it’s a letter from Holly. I haven’t read it, so I don’t know what it says, but she was very keen for you to have it. I’ll see you later? Bout four-ish?”
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