In a Lifetime

by Ariadne Wayne

  “I’ll get some plates and cutlery and we’ll eat in here. Keep you off your feet.”

  Ella’s smile widened, and she squeezed my hand tight. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

  I raised my hand to her face, dug my fingers into her hair and leaned in close. “You loved me. That was all I ever needed. I’ll spend the rest of my life taking care of you. If you’ll have me.”

  Those perfectly shaped eyebrows lifted. “Is that a proposal, Matt Carver?”

  It hadn’t been, but her thinking in that direction warmed my heart. It didn’t matter to me if we ever married. We were together.

  “It will be when you’re free to marry me. Until then, it’ll have to be a promise.”

  “I like your promises,” she whispered. “You keep them.”

  I have never made her cry, and will never be the cause of her tears. And I did the one thing that Sam had seemed incapable of doing. I held her in my arms and kissed any melancholy away. Because I loved her.

  When I let her go, she sat on the couch, leaning over toward the table to open the takeaway containers. I walked to the kitchen, returning with plates and forks and spoons, ready for our feast.

  Ella seemed to be struggling to stay awake; everything tired her out these days. But I had news to help relieve her burden. Something that might put a real smile back on her face.

  We sat in silence as we ate, her attentions on her plate, mine on her. As she filled her stomach, it became harder for her to fight her exhaustion. This pregnancy was hard work, but she juggled everything without complaint.

  “I’ve got some good news,” I said.

  She gave me a tiny smile. “What’s that?”

  “I got a promotion.”

  Ella’s mouth dropped open, the excitement in her eyes growing as she looked at me.

  “Matt.” Her voice was soft, caring, and full of pride. I’d been determined to get this job. It was a big leap from what I’d been doing, but it came with a lot more money.

  “Yep. I’m a lead software designer now.”

  Tears welled in her eyes, and she moved her plate from her lap to the table, the edges of her mouth curling into a grin. “I thought you said that was at least a year away.”

  “Well, turns out they were really impressed with me. I have the qualifications, and although I haven’t been in the other role long, I’ve shown that I know what I’m doing. I get to lead a team, and it means a lot more money.” I forked a piece a broccoli from my plate, taking a bite out of it.

  “I’m so excited for you. That’s wonderful.”

  I chewed, smiling as I swallowed. “Good for you, too. Any time you want to finish up work, we’ll be fine. It’s a decent bump, enough that we can live on my salary.”

  Her shoulders slumped, as if the pressure hanging over her had been released, and she leaned forward to kiss me.

  I put my fork on my plate, placing it on the table, and opened my arms, slipping them around her as our lips touched. I didn’t know if she couldn’t find the words, or if she simply wanted to kiss me, but I knew how good this was for her, for us.

  “I know how tired you are, baby. This whole thing has been so stressful for you. Let me take care of you, even if it’s only for a little while,” I whispered.

  She nodded, sighing. “I’ll be okay; the baby will be here soon and I can …”

  “Get a lot of sleepless nights and become a zombie?” I teased, stroking her back.

  “Are you bullying me to give up work, Mr Carver?” She leaned back, her eyebrows twitching.

  Running my fingers through her hair, I chuckled. “Never. I want you to know you have options. That no matter what, I’m here for you—no other reason.”

  “I love you.”

  I never tired of hearing those words from her lips. “I love you too,” I whispered, squeezing her tight. She squealed, and I let go as she laughed, rubbing her belly.

  “Let’s get dinner out of the way, and I’ll give you a back rub. We can have an early night if you like. Maybe you can tell me how your visit went with Sam.”

  “That sounds amazing.” She sighed, picking up her plate.

  You’re amazing.

  By the time we finished dinner and a back rub in front of her favourite evening soap opera, Ella was almost asleep. I cleared away the dishes, and came back into the living room to find her lying on the couch with her eyes closed.

  “Come on, princess. Let’s get you into your bed.”

  She yawned, taking my hand as I pulled her to her feet. She smiled a sleepy smile. “What would I do without you?”

  “You’ll never need to find out.”

  In the bedroom, I stripped off, and watched as Ella undressed, pulling on one of my old shirts. She’d been wearing them a bit lately; I think they made her feel closer to me, and none of her usual tighter-fitting clothes went near her now the baby had grown so much.

  She pulled back the blankets, climbing into bed, wriggling around and turning over. No matter what position she slept in, she was uncomfortable. If I could have taken some of that away, I would have. Instead I slipped into bed, offering her my arms.

  I stroked her hand, content to hold her. As much as I desired Ella, she was so tired. I wouldn’t push the idea of sex.

  I closed my eyes when her breathing grew slow and steady, preparing to join her in her sleep.

  “You didn’t ask me about today,” she mumbled.

  “I didn’t want to pry. I’m not going to be a dick about who you see. You love me—that’s all that matters.”

  She nuzzled my cheek. “I won’t be seeing him again. All I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was.”

  I tightened my grip around her. Reaching to stroke her face, I took in every feature from the eyes I adored to the lips I couldn’t help but want to kiss. This was perfect. She was perfect.

  “I still didn’t tell him about the baby. I mean, that it’s his.”

  That was still hanging over us. He had to be told, but it would come at a cost to us. How big that cost was, I couldn’t be sure.

  “Ella, I thought you were …”

  “I tried. I really did. But I got there, and he was full of remorse for what he’d done. For himself, not me. It was all about how he’d let himself down, being tempted by someone else, but it was still my fault for being so hard to live with …” Her voice trailed off, and I pressed my lips against hers in a gentle kiss.

  “Have to admit, you going to him scared me a little. I know you and your big heart. And I know how much you loved him.”

  She let out a long breath. “He slept with another woman. No matter what happened, there was no going back after that. Even if he wanted back in my life, I couldn’t live with it. I wish he was easier to talk to.” She sighed. “When you kissed me, before you went away and after, I admit I was conflicted because I loved you as a friend. I would never have done that to him. I couldn’t.”

  I pushed her hair back off her forehead. “I know. One day he’ll be easier to tell,” I whispered.

  She nodded. “I feel so awful. This was his battle too. Even if he had as many mood swings as I did.”

  “He was the one who walked away.”

  Ella buried her face in my chest, closing her eyes as I stroked her hair and kissed her temple.

  I lay there for a while after she’d fallen asleep, staring at the wall. Sam deserved to know, but I understood her reasoning.

  He still couldn’t take responsibility for his actions.

  32

  MATT

  Ella groaned. Seeing her in so much pain pierced my heart. She’d been having contractions for hours, and they were taking their toll on her. Her eyes closed as she breathed through it, and when it passed, she opened those beautiful blue eyes and smiled at me as if nothing was wrong.

  “This is Sam’s fault,” I said. “It’s that big head of his.”

  She laughed, despite the pain, her face contorting in discomfort.

  “The good news is that
it’s time to push.” Lost in our little world, I’d nearly forgotten the midwife was there.

  Ella nodded.

  “Next contraction, push.”

  I leaned over, kissing her nose. “It’ll be over soon.”

  “I can’t wait to hold my baby,” she whispered.

  “I know. Then I get to take you home and wrap you both up in cotton wool for a while.”

  She leaned her head against my arm. “You’re too good to me.”

  “Loving you is the easy bit.”

  Those manicured fingernails tore at my skin as the next contraction hit, and Ella gasped at the intensity. I stood my ground. She could rip my arm off if it gave her the support she needed, no matter how big that child’s head was.

  Time and time again she gripped my arm, until finally she exhaled loudly. The baby’s cry pierced the quiet morning. Ella lay back, closing her eyes for a moment, her forehead drenched in sweat.

  I picked up a cool cloth, wiping her face one last time as she looked at me with hazy eyes.

  “You have a beautiful, very noisy baby boy.” The midwife placed him on Ella’s chest, covering him with warm towels. His dark eyes gazed at her, his tiny hands resting on her breast.

  Tears ran down Ella’s cheeks as she touched him for the first time, enclosing those tiny fingers in her hand. Her boy, so precious, after all that she’d been through. Seeing them brought a tear to my eye too, as I fell in love with him. The two most beloved people in my life.

  “His head isn’t that big after all,” I whispered.

  Ella’s chest shook as she laughed, shaking her head. “He’s beautiful, Matt. I can’t believe he’s here.”

  I kissed her cheek, leaning my head against hers. “Our lives are never going to be the same again, you know?”

  “Our life hasn’t been exactly normal.” She chuckled.

  “What’s normal?” I sat by her side as she fed him for the first time, and then he was dressed and wrapped, so tiny in the small clothing that looked so massive.

  “Can you call Sam?” Her voice wobbled as she said the words, emotion overwhelming her. He still didn’t know, but I guess seeing her baby brought this all to the surface.

  I smiled, rubbing her back. “Of course I can.” I might not like him, but I would never stand in the way of him getting to know his child. I’d protect both Ella and her baby for the rest of my life, but for this little boy, his father wasn’t the enemy.

  “I should have told him, Matt. I know that. He made it so hard. I don’t mean to dump all this on you, but I don’t know if I can make that call right now.”

  Kissing her temple, I squeezed her shoulders. “It’s okay. That’s what I’m here for. I’ll call him.”

  I pulled my phone out of my pocket as the midwife came back into the room. “We’ll get you into the shower and cleaned up.” She smiled at Ella as she walked past on her way to the bathroom.

  “I’ll go outside, leave you to it.” I kissed her again, and stood, turning as I got to the door. Ella watched me with tired eyes, a small smile on her face. I’d do anything for her.

  Fresh air filled my lungs as I took a deep breath outside the building. I’d been there all night, holding Ella’s hand as she’d dealt with every contraction. I might have been tired, but seeing her give birth had to be the most amazing experience of my life.

  Now I scrolled through my contacts until I got to Sam, pressing the screen and closing my eyes as I held the phone to my ear. It rang a handful of times.

  Should I leave a message?

  “Matt.” His tone was clipped, like I was some kind of business associate and not someone he’d known his whole life.

  “Hey, Sam.”

  “What do you want?”

  I opened my eyes, looking back at the building I’d exited. The white walls of the hospital seemed to go up forever, interspersed with windows. My girl was in there somewhere, and I needed to hold her hand again.

  “I’m calling because Ella had the baby––”

  “I can’t do this. I can’t be around you two. I’m sorry.”

  “But, Sam—”

  “What does she want? To play happy families with both of us? I don’t think so. I can’t watch her loving you.”

  The words made my blood boil. “Stop being so damn selfish. She wants to see you.”

  “She was living with you and pregnant before her feet even touched the ground.”

  That did it. “Sam, Ella and I were never together before you dumped her. You broke her heart, and I picked up the pieces. I’m calling you because—”

  “Just take care of her.”

  The line went dead, and I stared at the phone for a moment, my fingers hovering over the text buttons. I should talk to Ella first.

  I trudged back inside, back to a room being tidied by the midwife while the baby lay in his crib, staring into space. She smiled at me as I bent, scooping him out of the plastic cot, and rocked him in my arms.

  “Guess it’s you, me and Mum,” I said.

  He seemed to try so hard to focus his little eyes on my face, and one arm escaped his wrapping, waving in the air. I took his little hand in mine and kissed it, rubbing my nose against his fingers. So tiny and precious … I would never let anything bad happen to him, not while I was around.

  “Love you, buddy,” I whispered. If Sam wouldn’t talk to us or see sense, I was it for this little guy. And I’d take that role on gladly.

  “Do you have a name for him yet?” Ella’s midwife asked.

  I grinned. “We have a few picked out. Whatever Ella decides. She wanted to see this little guy before she made up her mind.”

  She nodded, walking toward me. “He’s a lovely baby. I’m sure you’ll come up with the right name; sometimes it takes a while.”

  The bathroom door opened, and Ella appeared in the doorway. Her eyes were heavy, her cheeks a little flushed. I’d tried not to think it, but in that moment, I’d have given anything to be the father of the child in my arms. I would be in the sense that I’d raise him with Ella, love him, take care of his needs, and be there for him. But there would always be a part of me wanting Sam in the equation. It sucked to think about it that way; he could only be a part of this little boy’s life if he let go long enough for us to tell him.

  “I love seeing you with him,” she said. “Is Sam coming?”

  I frowned. “About that.”

  She sucked in her bottom lip, nodding. “It’s okay.”

  “One day he’ll actually stop and listen. Right now, he’s having a one-person pity party and wouldn’t get past the fact that we’re together. I thought about texting him, but I didn’t know if you wanted him to find out that way.”

  Ella shrugged, struggling to keep her eyes open.

  She climbed back into bed, and I sat beside it in a chair, cradling the precious bundle in my arms.

  “He’s beautiful, Ell,” I said. “I think he’s going to look like you.”

  “I think it’s too early to tell.” She rolled onto her side and smiled at me.

  He yawned, and I rocked him back and forward, entranced by his little face as he wrinkled his nose.

  “You’ll make a good father,” Ella said softly.

  “I’m not …” I looked up at her to see her gaze locked on the baby.

  “You’ll raise him with me. He’ll know you as the father figure in his life, and maybe one day he’ll meet Sam and get to know him too.”

  I nodded. “He’s pissed he threw away the best thing he ever had and wanted to lash out.”

  “We’ll wait a while and try again. No matter how difficult he might be to deal with, he needs to know.” She sounded so tired, and rolled onto her back, closing her eyes.

  “Let’s talk about this later. Right now, you need to get some rest. I’ll stay here, holding this little one.”

  “Finn.”

  That was all she said.

  “Is that what you want to call him? I seem to remember that being a name I was favouring, no
t you.” We’d spent hours discussing names to the point where we both had our own lists. Now it seemed she was stealing from mine.

  “Sue me. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.”

  “Finn.” I looked down at him in my arms. His eyes were closed, his small lips pursed. “Sweet dreams, little man,” I whispered.

  My whole world was in this room, and I’d do whatever it took to keep it safe.

  Our family.

  33

  MATT

  Fifteen months later …

  I was running late. Of all the stupid things to happen, I’d managed to end up in a meeting at four-thirty p.m. on a Friday. One of the sales team had sold what we referred to as vapourware. Meaning, they’d pulled the product out of their arse. It didn’t exist. And now they expected my team to pull them out of the crap.

  After sending him scuttling away with his tail between his legs, I checked the time. Five-thirty p.m. Holly would have picked up Ella by now, her party starting at six with a barbecue before drinking. She was across town in East Auckland; it’d take me a good hour to get there.

  I picked up my phone, swiping to unlock it, and keying in the text.

  I’ve finished. On my way now.

  Grabbing my laptop bag, I waited for the lift to get to the basement car park. There were days when waiting for the elevator took ten minutes alone, and this was clearly one of them. My phone vibrated in my pocket. On the screen was a picture of Ella, Finn, and our daughter, Georgia. With all the trouble Ella had getting pregnant with Finn, we’d been lax about contraception the first few weeks of our renewed sex life. Georgia had been born almost exactly a year after Finn.

  Be careful in the rain. The traffic will be crazy out there. xxx

  We’d spent nearly two years together, and seeing messages on my phone from her still gave me tingles. They always would.

  I’m still waiting for the lift. Don’t let one of Holly’s friends chat you up before I get there.

  I selected the big wink emoticon, picturing her rolling her eyes and laughing as she read it. My Ella wouldn’t look at anyone else, even if they did try hitting on her. She knew the same was true about me. I loved that she could have complete and utter trust and faith in me. I’d never let her down. Not in that way.