My Calling

by Lyssa Layne

  “Okay then, what’s your real name?”

  Beck doesn’t look at me as he continues to stride toward the garage. “Beck.”

  “So your name is Beck Beck?”

  He shrugs as he pushes open the door to where the previous shift is restocking the rigs. “Sure.”

  “Bullspit! Come on, tell me your real name!” I giggle and shake my head. “My uncle would probably kill me if he knew I was sleeping with someone that I don’t even know their real name.”

  Our conversation pauses as Calvin and his new partner approach us. Now that us newbies aren’t so new anymore, they’ve started spreading us out over the various shifts. Thankfully, it made things a little less awkward with Calvin since Beck and I started our thing together, although no one really knows about us romantically.

  “Hey, Calvin, how was your shift?” I ask as we take our usual stance, partners facing partners.

  Calvin shakes his head, his whole demeanor looking disheveled as we stand there. “It was insane! It must be a full moon or something. We had some drunk that swore we were from another planet.”

  I reach out and touch Calvin’s helmet hair. “Well, he might have a point.”

  Calvin rolls his eyes. “Whatever!” He runs his hand over his hair to make sure I didn’t displace any of it. “Good luck on your shift, I hope it’s not as crazy as ours was.”

  We bid our farewells and Beck and I run through our checklist before I bring up his name again.

  “Beckett? Beckham?” I ask.

  Beck looks over at me with one eyebrow lifted. “Huh? What the hell is that? You trying to change my name?”

  I throw back my head dramatically and huff. “Tell me your real name and I’ll drop it!”

  Beck’s hands encompass my waist and I snap my head up, surprised that he’s showing me affection like this in the garage. His stiff smile, which is beginning to look more natural every day, slides across his lips and his hands squeeze me. He drops his voice low so that even I can barely hear him but when I do, my panties are wet and I’m wishing our shift was ending and not starting.

  “The way you cry out ‘Beck’ when I’m pleasuring you is worth way more than you knowing my real name. Close your eyes and picture this morning.”

  I don’t have to close my eyes to remember how he made me come at the kitchen table. My own goofy grin appears and I kiss his cheek before wiggling out of his grasp.

  “Fair enough but until you tell me, I’m driving!”

  I jump in the driver’s side of the ambulance and find the keys dangling from the ignition. Beck blocks me from closing the door as he stands there somber with his arms crossed.

  “Funny, Saylor, get out.”

  I smirk and start the engine. “What, Beckett? I couldn’t hear you!”

  Beck shakes his head annoyed and slams the door. Giddy, I tap my hands against the steering wheel in victory. By the end of this shift, I’m going to know what my lover’s real name is. Somehow, that statement sounds like I should feel dirty about the situation I’m in but I don’t. It’s just the complexity that makes up Beck and Saylor.

  Beck

  My leg bounces up and down from my new view in the passenger seat. It’s the first time Saylor’s ever drove this rig. I keep telling myself I should relax, Eddie taught Saylor how to drive when she was fourteen. A girl really can’t learn from anyone better than the man himself. Still, it makes me nervous to not be in control although so far so good. Saylor hums along with the radio instead of full on belting out the lyrics like she normally does when I drive.

  “How about I drive after lunch?” I ask, trying to sound nonchalant, like I’m doing her a favor, not that I’m desperate to be back behind the wheel.

  “Sure, tell me your real name and the wheel’s all yours.” She doesn’t even attempt to hide her smile. A split second later, her eyes go wide meaning she’s got an idea. “Oh my wow! Becker. Your real name is Becker, isn’t it?”

  I’m not even sure where she’s going with this train of thought but that doesn’t stop her.

  “That’s why you don’t want to tell me. Your mom was a huge Ted Danson fan and loved his show, Becker, and that’s why you’re embarrassed to tell me your real name?” Saylor looks at me with hopeful eyes.

  “I’m pretty sure that show aired in the late nineties, about five years after I was born.”

  This whole name drama is getting old and it’s fuckin’ stressin’ me out. I don’t know why I can’t just make up some fictional name so she’ll get off my back. I glance over at Saylor, her shoulders sag with disappointment and I know exactly why I can’t because I’d be lying. Sure, from the outside looking in, it might seem like that’s all I’ve been doing but it’s not. Saylor doesn’t realize it but her life is in danger, has been for a long time, and that’s why Eddie asked me to look after her. I’ve never actually told her anything false, I just haven’t told her everything true. I’m trying to justify it because it’s for her own good but deep down, I know it would hurt her more than I can fix if/when she finds out the truth.

  “Rebecka! Your mom thought she was having a girl and promised to name you after an ailing great aunt.”

  If I wasn’t worried about Saylor finding out my real name, I’d probably laugh at her absurd theories. God only knows what she’s going to come up with by the end of our shift. The radio comes to life with the dispatcher’s voice.

  “10-71 at Highway K Garage. Victim fifty-year-old, white male shot to chest. Suspect still on the loose in a grey Honda. Units respond with caution.”

  Saylor’s grip tightens on the wheel, her knuckles turning white. I reach for the radio but Saylor beats me to it. She brings the microphone to her lips, her thumb pausing on the talk button. I move my hand to her thigh and squeeze softly.

  “Put it down, Saylor, we don’t have to go.”

  She presses the button, informing the dispatcher that we’re in route.

  “Dammit, Saylor!” I pull my hand back, crossing my arms as my leg starts to bounce again and my eye twitches.

  “What? It’s our job to save lives,” Saylor says casually, tossing her hair over her shoulder like it’s no big deal although her knuckles are still white on that steering wheel.

  “Not a big deal?” I scoff. “It’s a big fuckin’ deal, Saylor! It’s too damn close to how Eddie died.”

  She shoots me with a death look. “How did you know his name?”

  “You told me,” I say, playing it off and knowing that I have to be careful. I sink back into my seat, an uneasy feeling creeping over me as Saylor drives down Highway K. “All I’m saying is that this is probably hitting a little too close to home for you so why don’t we let another rig respond.”

  Saylor reaches up, turning on the siren. “I went into this field to save lives, to do what I couldn’t for my uncle. Just because it might make me uncomfortable or remind me of the worst day of my life doesn’t mean I’m going to shy away from it.”

  Her mind’s made up and there’s no changing it. My leg jumps up and down faster and I press my thumb against my eyelid, trying to stop the twitching. Maybe I should stay at my place tonight so I can clear my mind and figure out how to tell Saylor the truth without losing her.

  The ambulance comes to a stop but Saylor doesn’t jump out of the rig, eager like normal to get to work. I move my hand away from my face and son of a fuckin’ bitch if it isn’t Eddie’s old garage. I sold that place as soon as I could to a developer who tore it down and built a new grocery store in its place. I was trying to erase the memory of the day Saylor and I lost the man we both respected more than anything in the world. Yet here we are, staring at the exact replica of Eddie’s garage, right down to the same cars that were there the day he died.

  “Get out of here, Saylor,” I demand.

  This isn’t a coincidence. They’ve found us and they mean business. Another rig already arrived before us and it working on the scene so we’re not needed. Saylor shakes her blonde hair, reaching over to unbuckle
her seat belt. I put my hand on top of hers.

  “Saylor, I’m not fuckin’ joking. Don’t even think about getting out of this ambulance.”

  She pushes my hand off hers. “It’s our job, Beck. Take off your sassy pants and put on your big girl panties.”

  I lean over, placing a hand on either side of her face. “Listen to me, Saylor. It isn’t safe for either of us to be here—”

  Saylor pulls away from me, cutting me off. “Dammit, Beck, or whatever your name is. We’re fine, now, let me go.”

  “Jonathan,” I blurt out.

  Saylor narrows her eyes in confusion. “Jonatha—” Her face lights up and her jaw drops open. “Jonathan Beckerdyte.”

  I nod. “That’s me. Now, please, trust me and get us the hell out of here and I’ll explain everything.”

  “You… you knew him… you knew me…” she stutters, in complete and utter shock.

  “Yes, Say, I did… do, whatever.” I glance around nervously, knowing we are way too close for comfort with the shooter on the loose and looking for us, more specifically me. “I’ll tell you everything once we get back to headquarters but we have to go now.”

  On autopilot, Saylor puts the rig in reverse and pulls the truck back on the highway. I reach up, turning off the siren and lights as she creeps along with traffic. Her pursed lips, her furrowed eyebrows, and her absolute silence lets me know that she’s putting together all the pieces. At the rate this vehicle is moving, I won’t have a chance to explain anything… she’ll already have it all figured out.

  CHAPTER 21

  Beck

  It’s the first time that we’ve ever rode in this ambulance that the only noise has been the radio playing. The pop tunes were drowned out as Saylor’s breathing altered between erratic and eerily lethargic. Although I was sitting in the passenger seat trying to figure out how I was going to rationalize my actions, I kept checking on her to make sure she wasn’t going to pass out. Now that we’re back to the garage and the rig’s been parked for five minutes, Saylor hasn’t taken her hands off the steering wheel and she hasn’t said a word yet either. I’m kind of wishing maybe she had passed out because this has got to be some kind of deadly torture tactic. Leaning over, I take the keys from the ignition in case Saylor decides to do something stupid.

  “Saylor—”

  “You asshole,” she says in an abnormally quiet voice, not to mention this is the second time I’ve heard her cuss in the last twenty minutes.

  “I am, I don’t deny that, but we both knew that before.” I try to keep my voice equally as calm, letting Saylor set the pace.

  She turns to me, tears in her eyes. “You knew who I was since the night I got drunk. Why didn’t you say anything?”

  Her words stop me cold. Saylor doesn’t know the truth, the real truth. She thinks I serendipitously wound up back in her world just recently. She thinks I’ve only reconnected with her the last few months. She has no fuckin’ clue I’ve been pulling the puppet strings of her life ever since her uncle died and she came back to town. This is either going to make or break me depending on how I handle it. I run my hands through my hair, closing my eyes briefly so I can make a decision that is going to change the course of my life.

  “You’re an independent, strong woman. You’re happy, you’ve completed your dream, you are a good person. It was the first time I’d talked to you since you were in high school. I didn’t want to bring up those bad memories, potentially ruin what you’ve become.”

  There, that isn’t a lie. Yeah, Beck, no one’s saying it is, but Saylor needs to know everything, not just the parts you want her to know. I glance down at my left shoulder. Since when did I get an angel there to make me have a conscience?

  Saylor’s face softens, which doesn’t help my feeling of guilt disappear. Reaching over, she sets her hand on mine. “Beck, I appreciate your sensitivity, but your presence wouldn’t have changed me. Uncle Eddie’s death affects me every day by making me stronger, cultivating me into who I am today.”

  I stare at her hand, debating whether to let Saylor believe that’s it, that’s the end of the story or press my luck, telling her the truth and hoping I don’t lose her forever. The truth is, now that she’s not a minor, I can sign over all the life insurance money to her and be out of her life in that sense. The dark side, the part that I’m most afraid to tell her, is that her life is in danger, and always will be, until I’m dead.

  Her touch, which normally provides me with comfort, feels like the weight of a thousand elephants on my hand and I know what I have to do. Keeping my eyes on her hand, I place my other hand on top of hers so she can’t pull away.

  “My presence has changed you, Saylor, and for a lot longer than you realize.”

  I look up into her confused eyes. My heart, that one that carried no emotions until I came face to face with Saylor after all these years, hurts. It physically hurts and the fact that I haven’t even told her anything yet scares the shit out of me. I may not have to worry about Eddie’s killers coming after me because I think I might die when Saylor kicks me out of her life for good and this time, I don’t have a say in whether she does or not.

  “When Eddie died, he had a pretty nice life insurance policy that he left for you. The only problem was that you were a teenager with no guardian so Eddie left it to me to handle until you turned twenty-one.”

  Saylor nods. “Okay… go on…”

  “I invested the majority of it per Eddie’s directions that he left in his will. There’s about $500 grand sitting in a regular checking account though that you can access anytime.”

  Her mouth hits the floor and she chokes over her words as she asks, “If there’s half a million dollars in a checking account, how much is in the investment account?”

  I swallow, scratching my beard as I mumble, “Almost four million.”

  “Holy spitballs!” Her fingers tighten around my hand. “Are you kidding me, Beck? If you are, it’s not funny.”

  The giddiness in her voice makes my heart ache even more but I nod. “I’m serious. We can go to my guy tomorrow and take my name off the account.”

  Saylor leans forward, kissing me excitedly. “No! It’s fine, I don’t care. Beck, four million dollars? Do you know what we can do that with that?” She squeals and kisses me again. “Forget being a paramedic. We can open a shelter for the homeless, a hospital for the underprivileged, visit third world countries and start schools…”

  She continues listing every selfless way she can help others out with her inheritance she just learned about. Despite my melancholy, I smile as I listen to Saylor and her awesome dreams until I can’t take it anymore. In the middle of her explaining to me about the hunger crisis in South Sudan, I cut her off.

  “There’s more.”

  Saylor’s body freezes and the grin on her face melts away.

  “It’s not good, is it?”

  I shake my head and pull my hands away from her, knowing I won’t be able to get this out if I’m still holding on to what I’m about to lose.

  “I didn’t just randomly show up back in your life. The people that killed Eddie are dangerous. They don’t care who they hurt or who they kill, they do whatever it takes to get what they want.”

  Saylor shrugs like she did at the garage, trying to pretend like she’s not affected or scared. “Yeah, I know. My father sent them to make me pay for turning him in. It was my fault, Beck. Eddie’s dead because of me.”

  Fuck, why is she making this harder than it has to be? Because she’s Saylor and she complicates everything. It’s why you love her. Whoa! Love? Who the fuck gets off saying I’m in love with Saylor? That’s just… that’s just entirely the whole fuckin’ truth. Right there, three words, I love her. This is why this sucks so much, why my body is in physical pain as I anticipate the inevitable.

  Taking her face in my hands, I shake my head. “No, Say, it’s not your fault at all. They’re bad motherfuckers and they’re after you, they’re after me. I lost you once whe
n you skipped town and I vowed I’d never let that happen again. Eddie’s dead because of me and I promised him I’d take care of you.”

  Saylor tenses under my hands, pushing my arms off her. “Wh-what do you mean ‘take care of me’? Did my uncle trade me to you in some kind of arranged marriage deal or something?”

  “Fuck, Saylor, where do you come up with this shit? No, your uncle didn’t promise your hand in marriage or anything like that. I just told him I’d look after you, take care of that money, make sure those killers didn’t come after you, too.”

  Saylor starts to shake her head, looking more anxious by the second. “I’m not following. Vowed you never let what happen after I got back in town? What the hell is going on, Jon?”

  I cringe as she calls me the name that I shed so long ago. Saylor was always the only one that called me Jon while Eddie called me Jonathan and everyone else called me Bean for my tall, lanky figure I had back then. This is it, this is goodbye, Saylor forever.

  I take a deep breath. “My presence affected your entire life since you got back in town four years ago. I told Eddie I’d take care of you but you made it apparent that you didn’t want anyone from your past around. That’s why I hid in the dark, changed my look, my name, my personality so that I could take care of you without you running. Fuck, I became a paramedic so I could keep you safe while you were at work.”

  Saylor reaches for the door handle. “You’re kind of creeping me out…”

  I sigh and hold up my hands. “It wasn’t meant to be creepy, Saylor. I was trying to honor your uncle.”

  Her face goes flush and she huffs before she speaks. “Honor my uncle by getting in my bed?”

  “Come on, Saylor, you know that has nothing to do with it. I hadn’t talked to you in years. How was I to know I was going to fall in love with you?”

  Her gasp makes me all too aware of the words that just slipped out of my mouth. “You what?”

  I wave my hands, trying to erase the words unsuccessfully. “Look, I never planned on actually interacting with you, just keeping you alive and helping you however I can.”