Finding Forever

by Christina C Jones

  Hell, maybe I should do it then.

  But that would be petty, and I knew it. I felt guilty enough for actually having the good time, I didn’t need the shame of purposely hurting Tori’s feelings on my conscience. Why the hell was I mad? She had stated very clearly in Chicago it was only for that night… but that’s not what I felt. Those were the words that came out of her mouth, but it’s not what she gave me, and it’s not what I saw in her eyes. Although I thought her no was a blatant lie… it was still a no. I had to accept it, even if I didn’t understand it. I was working with Tori with a specific goal in mind, one she obviously still intended to meet.

  Maybe I needed to get back on board.

  — & —

  I couldn’t help the smile that sprang to my face as I watched Maya walk into the restaurant. Her tan skin glowed against her soft yellow dress, the fabric draped sensually against her curvy body. As she got closer to the table, I stood to pull her chair out for her, and the sexy scent of her perfume teased my nostrils. It had only been a few days since I’d seen her, but this was our sixth date in three weeks, and I was definitely feeling her, enough that I was starting to miss her when she wasn’t around.

  “I am so sorry I’m late! I got caught up at the restaurant, trying to run over the basics for this new marketing plan with management, and I swear, you’d think I was speaking German to the staff!” she rattled off, giving me a kiss on the cheek before taking her seat.

  I laughed as I returned her kiss. “I could have met you there for lunch. It’s your place right?”

  “Yeah, Coral is my baby, and the food is amazing, but….half of my family works there, and it is the last place I would bring a date,” she replied, laughing with me. “They would scare you off.”

  “They can’t be that bad!”

  “Ohh, yes they can,” Maya assured me. “Stick around long enough and you’ll see.”

  “Oh, I certainly plan to.” I grabbed her hand across the table. “I’m tryna meet everybody. Moms, dads, sisters, cousins, play cousins, all of that.”

  “Avery, you are a fool.” She laughed nervously, averting her eyes as the waiter approached.

  Ok dude, chill, you’re freaking her out.

  We ordered our food, and spent the next hour talking and laughing as we ate. Even in the midst of my time with Maya, my thoughts still drifted to Tori—who was avoiding the hell out of me— more often that I’d like. As much as I liked Maya, and truly enjoyed being with her, I still didn’t feel the same electric chemistry I had with Tori. There was a spark though, so I was willing to see if it grew. The more I suppressed my feelings for Tori in my mind, the more room I had for Maya.

  She and I were still in our ‘trial run’, so we had meetings — as a pair, and separately— with Tori once a week. To avoid being alone with me, she had Mel sit in on our sessions, presumably because she knew I wasn’t going to betray her privacy by bringing anything sensitive up in front of her sister. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes, but I could tell she was hurting, and it made me want to drop out of the Matched services altogether. But how would I explain to Des— to Maya? Every time the guilt crept in, I had to remind myself that this… whatever it was, was her doing, not mine. The best thing I could do for myself was focus on what I could build with Maya.

  “So,” I said, placing my glass down on the table after taking a sip. “What does the rest of your day look like?”

  “However I want it to,” she giggled.

  I raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh, it’s like that?”

  “Yeah, it’s like that. I’m the boss lady, I don’t need to be there all the time for it to run.”

  “Boss lady, okay! Well, boss lady, you think you’d be up to joining me for an early movie or something?” I asked, grabbing her hand across the table.

  She gave me shy smile before she responded. “I would actually like that a lot.”

  “I can tell,” I said, teasing her. “Look at that smile!”

  “Oh my God, don’t do that.” She covered her mouth with her hands as she blushed.

  “Look at you, you can’t help it! Is this because of me?”

  “Avery, stop!” She playfully kicked me under the table, laughing.

  “Okay, okay. I guess I’ll leave you alone. For now. So, what movie do you wanna see?”

  Maya bit her lip seductively as she looked down, using her fork to push her food around on her plate. “Well… you offered two options… a movie or something. I think I’d rather do… something.”

  “Something…?”

  Wait… is she saying….

  My eyes widened as it dawned on me what something she wanted to do.

  “Your place or mine?”

  — & —

  “I’ll get it!” Maya yelled from her kitchen at the sound of the doorbell. I was outside on her deck, preparing to grill, but I could see her through the sliding glass doors as she made her way to the front to answer the door. We had only been dating for six weeks, but had settled naturally into a routine of spending most of our free time together, including today.

  I looked up as she was coming back down the hall from the door, carrying a large flower arrangement in her hands. Sitting them down on the counter, she held up the attached card and waved me inside.

  “They’re from Tori,” she said as I stepped inside, wiping my hands before opening the refrigerator to retrieve a beer. I kept my back to Maya so she wouldn’t see the pained expression on my face at the mention of Tori. Still, no matter how hard I tried to push any romantic feelings for her out of my mind, she plagued my thoughts. It certainly didn’t help that because of Matched, I was still seeing her twice a week, and every time, she looked less and less like the vibrant Tori I’d known. There was an air of sadness around her, but she put up a good front. Outwardly, she was as pleasant, professional, and energetic as she always had, but none of that happiness met her eyes.

  When I couldn’t pretend to search the refrigerator any longer, I pulled out a beer and turned to face Maya, who was already opening the card. “What does it say?”

  Clearing her throat, she held it up to read. “Avery and Maya, congratulations on the success of your budding relationship. My work here is done. You two have settled beautifully into your own vibe, and you no longer need me to facilitate dates, mediate, or help you navigate those tricky early relationship waters. It is my pleasure, now that you’ve reached the six-week mark, to ‘release’ you two into the wild, to continue building a new bond. I wish you the absolute best of luck, and again, congratulations! Hugs and Kisses, from Tori.” Maya looked at me with a huge smile. “Oh wow, isn’t this sweet?”

  “Uh… yeah. Sweet.” I busied myself opening my beer and taking a long swig, hoping she wouldn’t see how stunned I was.

  Maya’s cell rang then, saving me from having to elaborate on my thoughts about the flowers. She answered it, and I was honestly relieved when a few moments later, she informed me she had to go tend to her restaurant, and would probably be there for the rest of the day. I turned off the grill and put away the food for another day, kissing her goodbye as I left.

  At home, I plopped down on the couch with another beer, I wondered how the hell I’d gone from screwing countless women I didn’t really care about, to having one I actually liked, who was willing to like me back, and another who I…. who I what? I hesitated to say I loved Tori, because that type of connection took time to build, and time was something she hadn’t given me. That night, in Chicago… what I felt for her was indescribable, and if she had given me a little more time, I would have figured it out. We could have figured it out together, but she was hell bent on pushing me away, and those stupid flowers proved that. She was too wrapped up in what her computer told her about me to see what was right in her face.

  I knew I needed to let it go, but that was easier said than done. It wasn’t fair to Maya that I was holding out hope that Tori was going to suddenly change her mind, and hell… it wasn’t fair to me either. I pulled my cell out
of my pocket, and considered calling her, even though I knew she wouldn’t answer. It wouldn’t have surprised me to know she had gone so far as to block my number, but I wasn’t trying to find out if that was true, so I didn’t dial. Now that we were no longer her clients, I didn’t have to worry about seeing her unless she was around Des. I’d gone without meeting her while she was friends with my sister for five years, so there was no reason I couldn’t continue to avoid her now. It was time to start getting over Tori, so I could be all in with Maya.

  — Tori —

  “No, not again! Come on, baby, please turn on for mama.” I tried, for what had to be the 30th time, to get my car to start, with no luck. It had done this to me a couple of times in the last month, but I was always able to get it on. Unfortunately for me, today wasn’t one of those days. I couldn’t get it do more than a few sputters, like it was gasping for air, and now I couldn’t even get it to do that, because I’d killed the battery trying to get it to start.

  “Great! Just. Freaking. Great. Ugh!”

  Frustrated, I scrubbed my hands over my face and pushed my hair back, so I could stare out at the pouring rain battering my windshield. I could call Mel, but she was in Houston with friends for the weekend, and my parents were afraid of driving in the rain.

  Shit.

  This was one of the problems with your friends and their helpful husbands being long distance. I couldn’t call any of them for help. For about a microsecond, I considered calling Avery, but that was out of the question. He and I weren’t friends, at least not anymore. If the contempt he wore in his eyes during our weekly meetings for Matched was an indication of how he felt about me, he would probably laugh my ear off through the phone before he hung up to play kissy-face with his new girlfriend.

  That was the goal, Tori.

  Even though I knew that, an irrational part of me was still hurt that he moved on so easily, while I was barely holding it together from day to day. But that wasn’t his fault. It was mine.

  So no, I definitely wasn’t about to call Avery, but the thought of him did give me an idea. I pulled out my phone to look up the number, and within a few seconds, I was connected.

  A cheerful woman’s voice answered the phone. “Thanks for calling Ignition, how can we be of service?”

  Clearing my throat, I tried to sound as matter of fact as I could. “I’m calling to speak with Nick, if he’s available.”

  “Sure, darlin’. Hold on.”

  A few seconds later, I recognized Nick’s deep, booming voice and southern drawl as he came on the line. “This is Nick, what can I do for you?”

  I took a deep breath. “Um… Hi, Nick. I don’t know if you remember me or not, but this is Tori Kennedy… Avery’s friend?”

  “Of course I remember you, I never forget a pretty face,” he flirted. “Avery might be a little jealous about you calling me.”

  I gave him a dry laugh. “I doubt that, but… um, I was calling because I’m having a little car trouble, and I need some help.”

  “I’m sure we can handle that. Bring it on in!”

  “Yeah… about that. I’m stranded with it… you guys have towing services, right?”

  He chuckled. “You’re talking to the right man for the job, sweetheart. Where are you?”

  I told him where I was and gave him the make and model of my car, then hung up to wait. I hoped it was another simple issue, with another quick fix. The hassle of purchasing another car was another added stress I didn’t need, not with the way my life was going. I hadn’t been sleeping well. I was swamped with everything I was doing for my clients, including Avery and Maya. And perhaps the biggest thing, I had been contacted again by one of the big online-dating companies. They were interested in purchasing my proprietary system to incorporate into their own, and to be honest… I was thinking about doing it. They had been pursuing me for several years, and each time they contacted me, the number they were willing to pay got bigger, but that wasn’t my biggest reason for considering it.

  It was draining the life out of me to have to go to work everyday and help other people find and develop what I didn’t have. Every time I went home to that big empty house — Mel was usually out doing twenty-something things— I felt a little more emotionally depleted, and I was starting to wonder if it was time to move on. If I did, perhaps it would be easier to manage the overwhelming loneliness that came with the reality that I wasn’t cut out for love.

  A knock on the window pulled me out of my thoughts, and I glanced out to see that Nick had pulled up. I waited in the passenger seat of the tow truck while he hitched my car in the pouring rain. I wanted to hold an umbrella for him or something, but he insisted he was fine in his poncho and boots.

  “Okay, you ready to head out?” He asked as he climbed into the driver’s seat, splashing water all over the front cab.

  “Um, yeah. Thanks again for coming to help me out,” I said, wiping the raindrops from my face.

  He shrugged as he started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot. “It’s no big. Any friend of Avery’s is a friend of mine.” I didn’t bother to correct his ‘friend’ assumption, because it was the impression I’d given when I called.

  When we arrived at the shop, Nick pulled my car into the bay, and shortly after, he was able to give me a diagnosis of faulty distributor caps, corroded wiring, and a list of other things I was clueless about. He sent me to wait in the office while they worked on it. When I walked in, it smelled like Avery, and I felt… comforted by that for some reason. I settled into the couch, letting my thoughts drift freely to him and twenty minutes later, I was asleep.

  “Hey… wake up.”

  Still feeling sluggish, I opened my eyes to see Avery kneeling in front of me, an unreadable expression in his eyes. I squinted through my hair, trying to figure out if this was still part of the dream I’d been having about him, but then I felt the warmth of his hand as he brushed my curls out of my face. Definitely not a dream.

  Sitting up, I moved away from his touch. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep in here, I was extremely tired, and I—”

  “Tori, stop.” He stood up to his full height, still without his usual smile. “It’s not a big deal.”

  I shook my head. “Still. Do you have somewhere else I can wait, so I can get out of your way?”

  I was rambling, because I was nervous as hell. I had carefully avoided being alone with Avery, and now here he was.

  “There’s a waiting area for customers.”

  “Oh,” I nodded, a little confused. “Nick sent me back here, I wasn’t trying to run into you, or intru—”

  “I know. Nick called to tell me you were here.”

  So it was a damned setup.

  I stood then, hurrying toward the door. “I see. Well, I guess I’m gonna go out to the wai—”

  “We got the flowers.”

  I froze, with my hand on the doorknob. “Good. I’m glad you liked them.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Turning my head a little, I chanced a glance through the corner of my eye. Still not smiling. He was serious. “Oh.”

  “That’s all you have to say? Oh?” He approached me, slowly, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.

  “What else do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me why you’ve been avoiding me.”

  I shrugged, still facing the door. “You know why, Avery. It makes it easier.”

  “Makes what easier? And for who?”

  He grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand away from the handle as he turned me around, but I kept my eyes averted away. “For both of us, to get past whatever was brewing between us. And for you to explore what you have with Maya.”

  “I would drop Maya in a heartbeat to explore what I could have with you.” My breath caught in my throat. Those words cultivated my withered little heart, but at the same time, they cut like a razor, because I knew… it would never happen. We could plant that seed, and it would probably
grow, but it would never get past the budding stage before it wilted and shriveled away.

  I took a deep breath, and looked up, allowing my eyes to meet his as I brought my hand up to his face. “Avery… I need you to know I’m not rejecting you. It has nothing to with you. This is about me. What you want and need, and what I have the ability to give are two completely different things.”

  “Care to explain?”

  Hell no.

  But how could I live with myself if I didn’t give him any closure?

  With a heavy sigh, I leaned against the door as I began to speak. “You remember that night in Chicago, when Des said I “gave my best to the worst, and worst to the best”? I got mad at her for saying it… but it’s completely true. I’m only 30, but I’ve been dating for fourteen years, and my God, the number of terrible relationships I’ve had in that short time has to be record-breaking. I’ve been lied to, lied on, hit, cheated on, stalked, verbally abused, emotionally abused… you name it. And truthfully, I’ve done some of those things to other people too. I have a nightmare dating story for every category you could think of, and I’m tired, Avery. I can’t do the broken-hearted thing anymore.”

  “So do something else!” he exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air.

  I shook my head, blinking back tears. “You think I haven’t tried? That’s how I ended up married to a man that was never faithful to me. I was taking my last chance, and I was all in with him. I gave him all of me, and he made a fool of me. You want the unjaded, happy, free Tori and unfortunately, she’s unavailable. She’ll never be available like that again, not for love… Not even for you, Avery, and I’m sorry.”

  He was silent for a moment, processing my words before he let out a low whistle, and then said, “Wow.”

  “Yeah. I know.” I gave a dry, humorless laugh before I started to turn back to the door. “I’m gonna go wait on my car.”

  “Your car is ready.” He held up my keys, but kept them out of my reach, using his free hand to grab mine. “I wish I could have been your last chance.” He turned my hand over, placing my keys inside before he let me go.