Between Want & Fear (Backstage Series Book 3)

by Dani René

  “Have you met someone?” The question I’ve been waiting for comes and I nod. I might as well tell him about Ryan.

  “There has been someone. I mean, we’re not dating yet. But…” I trail off not sure how to explain it. Josh returns and my words taper off as he places our drinks on the table.

  “Are you ready to order?” He questions and I can’t help looking at him again. He’s so much older than I remember. Time hasn’t been on his side and deep down, I want to smile because of what he did to me, but on the other hand I can’t bring myself to care. I’ve moved on, my life is so much better without him in it. Realization hits me then and there that finding him in bed with two women was a blessing. It gave me the final push to live my life and find what makes me happy.

  “I’ll have the salmon and tuna sushi platter, bring extra soy sauce as well,” my voice is confident, not the same shy girl he remembers and his stare is as intense as the heat on a hot summers day. He nods, making a note on the pad of paper, then turns his attention to my father and waits.

  “I’ll have the Porterhouse steak, rare, with salad. Oh, and add fries to that,” Dad says in a gruff tone. Josh nods and makes a note. Once we’re alone, I know the inquisition is going to start. “So, tell me about this man?” My dad offers his loving smile and I can’t help the blush that heats my cheeks when I remember Ryan’s grin, his kiss, and those soulful eyes.

  “It’s Ryan, the keyboardist for the band, you remember last summer when you visited?” He nods, “It’s been a long time coming, Dad.” There are so many things I can tell my father about the man who holds my heart, but there’s one thing I know will impress him. “He cares for me, Dad, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. He’s respectful and he’s never ever pushed me more than I wanted to give.”

  “When I was there, even for the short time I spent around you, I can see the way you both look at each other. It’s different to how you are with Callum and Liam. It’s okay, honey. You love him, I know.” He smiles and I nod.

  I do. I love Ryan Callahan more than anything. And once this is over, I’ll go back and I’ll finally tell him how much I love him. “So much, Dad. I just hope he can give me a chance to explain why I had to come home. It’s not easy, and I haven’t told him the real reason for this trip. I lied and I feel terrible about it.” My confession halts and my dad sits back regarding me earnestly.

  “Look, honey, there are times we omit to tell those we love something to keep from hurting them. I think you should have told him, maybe it would have given you an insight into his feelings. But, it’s done now, and if he loves you as much as you do him, then I’m sure he’ll see why you lied and forgive you.”

  “I know, but, deep down I know he would’ve wanted to be here with me. Supporting me through this, but I didn’t want him to see me in the hospital, going through the tests and having doctors prod at me. I’ve put this off for too long. The moment I realized how I felt about him, I knew I had to come home and finish what I started all those years ago.”

  Silence hangs in the air, but it’s not uncomfortable. I know my father and he’s digesting what I’ve just told him. When he sits forward, leaning his elbows on the table, he regards me with a gentle smile. “Then finish it and go to him. No time like the present.” With that the conversation moves to lighter topics and I feel myself breathe again. My heart still aches knowing what lies ahead of me for the next few weeks.

  Two and a half weeks have passed since I let her get on a plane and fly across the world and I can’t wait anymore. I know I promised her a month, but fuck, I can’t live without her.

  After driving both Callum and Liam crazy over the past couple of weeks, I’ve decided to pack my bags and go. The show we played last night was incredible, but there was one thing missing. Her.

  Liam has just dropped me off at the hangar where our jet was parked, waiting and ready to take me to the woman I love.

  “Mr. Callahan, good to see you again.” The pilot, Demitri, offers his hand which I accept.

  “You too, thank you for your assistance,” I nod, while shaking his hand. He’s been flying us around for almost seven years. One of the best pilots, along with his co-pilot, Stefan. They head into the cockpit and I settle back, ready for the long journey. I’m ready. I hope she is too.

  The private jet is classic, simple, and understated. With dark blue leather seats that almost match our logo, the shiny oak veneer finish on the cabinets and small tables between the seats are of the highest quality.

  I’ve gotten used to traveling this way, and having the plane to myself, I know it will give me time to think without disturbance from other passengers, even flying first class in a commercial plane.

  When I feel the wheels propel us down the runway, it’s then that I realize I’m doing something out of my comfort zone and I’m sure Ki is going to think the same thing. All I can do is hope she’s willing to give us a chance. There’s no doubt we belong together; I just need to make her see it. Make her accept it.

  Sitting back, I shut my eyes and take a deep inhaling breath. And as sleep lulls me, it’s her I see.

  “Welcome to Sydney, are you here on holiday?” The woman stamping my passport smiles. She’s as tanned as Ki but her blonde hair offsets her bright green gaze.

  “Yes, well, I’m here to propose to my girlfriend.” Her smile only widens at the news as she hands me back the passport including a small map of the city.

  “That’s exciting, good luck. I’m sure she’ll say yes.” My heart thuds at the idea of Kierra being mine. Excitement, fear, elation, and the dreaded anxiety all swirl together in a storm raging through me. Nodding a thank you, I grab my suitcase head toward the exit. There in the arrivals is the driver waiting with a name plate with my pseudonym.

  I hope she’ll say yes.

  There’s still apprehension rippling through me. It’s unwarranted, I remember how it felt being with her. We match. We’re made for each other, nothing felt as right as having her in my arms. Her beautiful skin pressed against mine was like a dream come true. One that I don’t want to wake from.

  “Mr. Callahan?” A thick Australian accent from the driver whispers as I near him. With a swift nod, I pull out my passport for him to verify.

  “Yes, I need to get to The Langham, please?” He nods and we head out to the unmarked SUV sitting in a parking spot not far from the building itself. He opens the trunk and once my suitcase is safely stored, I slip into the backseat.

  We weave our way through the city as I go over the plan in my head. Her address is safely stored in my phone which I’ll be using very soon. Once I get some rest I’ll shower, get ready and make sure I’ve got the ring in my pocket.

  If I wasn’t so tired, I’d go to her right now. Just to see the smile on her face, to surprise her and tell her that I’ll be whatever she needs me to be. To give her the support she needs. Whatever she’s going through I want her to know I’m not going anywhere. I can be the man she needs. It’s time she stops being so independent and stubborn.

  This is the first time we’ll be alone, and I mean completely alone together since the wedding. I know she has feelings for me, but will it be enough for her to finally admit it and let me in. The memory of the one night we had together is seared, ingrained in my mind.

  The way her body moved against mine, her soft blue gray eyes seemed to darken as she accepted the pleasure I gave her.

  “Come on, Kiki, just let me in. One night, let’s forget who we are and just be.” I implore her. We’re in the hotel room alone, no Hayes brother’s and no Quinn sister’s. Just me and Kierra. Her dress is elegant as it hugs her slight frame. Sweet and sexy, that’s her.

  I’ve waited, I’ve been patient, but slowly my desire is taking over. The need I have for her, the love that seems to make my heart swell to the point of pain is more than I can take. All I’ve wanted since I saw her was to kiss her, to feel her skin on mine.

  Yes, there’ve been other women, I’ve fucked around, but noth
ing compares to having a woman you love beneath you. I want to take her and make her moan, beg, and plead. I want her soft, melodic whimpers to play for me like a song on repeat. I want us to create music with our bodies. Melodies with our hearts, and harmonies as we both find release in each other.

  “Ryan, I do want you, there’s no doubt in my mind. I just think if we do this, step over the line, we’d never be able to go back. Never be friends again,” her voice is resigned, confident and serious about losing our friendship, but that will never happen. This is where we were meant to be. There’s no other woman I’d rather be with. She needs to know that.

  “Kiki, we will always be friends. Do you hear me? And if you want to step over this line, if you want me inside you, we’ll be so much more. Don’t you understand? I—”

  Shaking her head, she places a hand on my chest and my body sizzles with heat. With need. I was about to tell her I love her. But I realize she’s not ready for it. “Ry,” my name is a whisper on her soft lips. “I want you.” My cock hardens in my slacks. It’s time to take her and make her come, over and over again.

  Without waiting, I crash my mouth on hers, I swallow each whimper as I lick into her mouth. She tastes like strawberries and champagne. Her lips are warm, soft, and pliable. My hands trail down her arms to her hips and I grip them, tugging her to me, allowing her to feel how much I need her. How badly I want her.

  “Ryan, please,” her words are whispered along my mouth and I inhale them, bask in them, and I reach for the zipper of her dress and tug it down. Once the soft material falls to the floor and pools at her feet, I take a step back. Both breaking the kiss and halting my breaths.

  Dressed in charcoal lace panties and a bra to match, she’s slim, but toned. Her breasts aren’t big, but they’ll fit in my hands perfectly. She’s waif-like and beautiful. I can easily lift her up and throw her on the bed, but this is our first time and I want it to be perfect.

  “I can take those offending items off, or you can, but I want you naked. I want to see those beautiful breasts, and I’m hungry to see that incredible pussy,” my voice is raspy and her breathing hitches slightly, sending pleasurable jolts straight to my straining cock. Her hands move quickly and she unclasps her bra, allowing it to fall beside her.

  Rosy taut nipples which peak under my gaze greet me and I can’t stand it any longer. I lean in and lave at them. Swiping my tongue over each one and I can’t stifle the groan of satisfaction that rumbles through me. “Ryan, oh, God,” she whimpers which in turn only makes me suck and bite on them. Eliciting more mewls from her plump lips.

  Her fingers tangle in my hair, pulling me closer, it’s as if I can’t get close enough, but I damn well try. Without a word, I tug her panties down and I find myself kneeling at her feet. Worshiping her from the floor. She glances down and her normally stormy eyes are pinned on me.

  “Open your legs, Kiki,” she spreads her thighs and I’m met with the most perfect pussy I’ve ever seen. Reaching up, I stroke the slick lips and her knees buck. “On the bed, lie back and let me see you,” she obeys with a smile. As soon as she’s on her back on those satin sheets, I unbutton my shirt, tugging it off and letting it slip to the floor. My slacks are next, leaving me in my boxer briefs. Her eyes shimmer in the low light of the moon shining through the window. Her glistening pussy is smooth, and my mouth waters to taste it. Falling to my knees, I stroke her inner thighs. A small whimper falls from her lips and I glance up to find her gaze trained on me.

  With a smirk, I lean in and lick her smooth lips, reveling in the taste of this incredible woman. It feels as if I’m dreaming, but this is all real. She’s real. With that thought in mind, I devour her. Opening her to my gaze, I dart my tongue inside her tight heat. Her sweetness is intoxicating, as if I’ve taken a hit directly to the vein. She’s going to be my addiction, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  “Please, Ryan,” her voice is thick with desire, needy and I don’t deny her. Plunging two fingers into her, she cries out my name as she comes apart. Her thighs tremble and her body bucks off the bed as an orgasm rattles through her.

  “So beautiful,” my words are filled with love, as I regard her flushed cheeks, her dripping sex, and her fingers fisting the sheets. I can’t hold back any more. Rising to full height, I shove off my boxers and grab the condom from the pocket of my slacks and sheath myself.

  Moving over her, I settle between her trembling thighs and lean in, kissing her allowing her to taste the sweetness she gifted me with. “Ryan, please don’t tease me,” she smiles as she licks her arousal from my lips and I slide into her.

  “Jesus, Kiki, you’re so tight.” My grunt is rewarded with a giggle, and she lifts her hips to meet mine. Our bodies meet in a dance, our skin igniting need and desire, and our mouths consume each other. Her legs wrap around my waist and pull me in, as if she wants me to climb inside her, to mold myself into her being and I don’t deny her. I drive in as deep as I can possibly go and realize in this moment, it will never be enough. One night will only make me want more, and I’ll be damned if we lose this.

  “Faster, please,” she pleads, imploring me with a heated gaze, and I pull out, thrusting back in. Faster, and deeper. Harder and rougher and she meets me with every roll of my hips. Her body bows and I can’t hold on any longer when her pussy clamps down on my cock. Reaching between us, I circle her clit with my thumb and she explodes, her cries echo around us like a symphony.

  “Ki,” her name is a murmur on my lips. When our eyes meet there’s an emotion that steals my breath. Love. She loves me. And with one look, I hope she can see I love her too.

  “We’re here mate,” the driver announces, dragging me from the memory and bringing me attention to the present.

  “Thank you.” I offer with a smile and open the car door. He nods and pops the trunk. As I make my way into the reception area of the hotel, I find myself doubting this decision again. It’s fucking ridiculous because I know she wants me and loves me, but there’s a niggling feeling deep down that keeps cropping up and I don’t know if I should actually be doing this.

  If the guys were here, I know they’d tell me I’m being silly and I should get my woman. They both fought long and hard to have their beautiful ladies on their arms, and this is no different. Except, I’m not used to getting what I want. I’ve always been scared of taking a step outside of my comfort zone, of allowing people in. She’s been no different.

  The thing with love is that it’s not easy, it takes work and sometimes sacrifice. As I step up to the desk to check in, I realize one thing, she’s worth every damn thing. All I have to do is make her see it. You see, Kierra Thorne is a difficult, stubborn woman.

  “Good morning, Sir, how can I help you today?” The woman smiles up at me and I notice the recognition on her face but she doesn’t say anything, thankfully.

  “I’m checking in, Ryan Callahan,” I slide my passport over to her and she nods, taking my identification and her bright red nails fly across the keyboard of her computer.

  When she glances at me again, it’s with a flawless smile. “This is your key. Do you need assistance with your luggage?”

  “No, I’m fine. Thanks.” Grabbing the card and my passport, I head toward the elevators. We’ve stayed here before while on tour, it’s a luxurious hotel and I can’t wait to get Ki into my room.

  The elevator ride to the third floor is quick and I’m thankful nobody has recognized me yet. It’s never easy traveling without our bodyguards, but it seems luck is on my side. Let’s hope it holds out. As soon as I reach the suite, I head straight for the bed. Setting my alarm, I toe off my trainers and get comfortable. I’m giving myself an hour of shut eye before getting ready to go to her.

  I open the suitcase and pull out my clothes I packed for this moment. When I meet her father, I don’t want to come across as the grungy rocker, I want to impress him, to get his blessing to propose to his baby girl. Getting his approval will be the first step in stealing her heart. I know sh
e loves him dearly, and if he can see how much I love her, I know she will too.

  Once I’ve hung up the shirt and slacks, I head into the bathroom and take in my appearance. Jet lag is a bitch, I look tired, but I’m ready to get this show on the road.

  Turning on the spray, I watch as the water cascades from the showerhead and the steam fogs up the bathroom. As soon as it’s piping hot, I step under the spray and moan in appreciation of the hot water as it hits my tired muscles. An hour was not long enough, but I can’t waste any more time. If I don’t do this now, I’ll chicken out and that’s going against everything I want.

  The tension is running rampant through my muscles at the thought of her turning me away. What if she’s here for her ex? Does she even want me?

  These thoughts run through my mind in a loop and as much as I want to believe we’re made for each other, there’s always a niggling feeling that she’ll walk away.

  Shaking my head of those thoughts, I lather up and take deep breaths to calm myself. The spicy scent of my body wash invigorates me and I find myself rushing to get out of the shower and dressed. Once I’m back in the bedroom, my phone beeps with a message from Liam wishing me luck.

  I wanted to call home, but with the time differences, I’ll leave it till I know what’s happening between us. With a quick text to him, I pull on my jeans and the dress shirt. Normally, I’m a jeans and T-shirt kind of guy, and wearing a button up is stifling.

  I’m ready a few minutes later and heading out the door when my phone once again alerts me of a message. This time, my heart stops at the name on screen. Kierra.

  I just wanted to touch base and let you know I’m doing fine. It’s been a whirlwind seeing my dad again. I miss LA though. Kiki

  I don’t respond, instead, I make my way down to the lobby of the hotel and out to find the car waiting as I requested. I don’t wait for him to get out and open the door, instead, I slip into the backseat giving him a smile. Once I’ve informed him of the address, he offers a swift nod and we’re shooting off down the road with my heart in my throat.