Between Want & Fear (Backstage Series Book 3)

by Dani René

  When the cab pulls up outside a beautiful house with an immaculate garden, I take it in. My girls’ home. The place that holds her past and those secrets she seems to hide. There’s a car in the driveway and one parked on the sidewalk. “I won’t be too long I don’t think,” I inform the driver and he nods. Opening the door, I exit the car and from the sidewalk, all seems quiet. I wonder if she’s here. Perhaps she’s out with friends.

  Making my way up the path, I head toward the door, but hear voices coming from the side of the house. Even though I know I shouldn’t be eavesdropping, I can’t help following the pathway that leads to a small shed. Kierra’s voice is low, but urgent, and the fear that she’s in trouble sends my feet moving forward, but what I find halts me in my tracks. Inches apart from each other are Kierra and a guy I’ve never seen before.

  “No, I told you, it was a mistake. I miss you, Kitty Kat. You’ve always been the one I wanted.” My heart thuds painfully in my chest, and the anger, jealousy, and rage strangle me. Say no, Ki. Please say no to him. The words roll on repeat in my head and I hold my breath, waiting for her to push him away. For her to tell him to leave, but she doesn’t. She must have come home for him.

  She’s peering up at the man who’s caged her in and I can’t help feeling anger surge through my veins. He leans in and their mouths are inches apart. I can’t watch this anymore, but just before I walk away, he leans in further and plants a kiss on her lips.

  Pain rushes through me like a tidal wave and agony grips my heart. Ten long years I’ve waited for her. To hold her, kiss her, to make her mine, but she’s always pushed me away, and now I see why. Pivoting, I rush toward the gate when I see a man striding toward me.

  “Can I help you, son?” He questions, frowning at me and I realize the recognition hasn’t hit him yet. We met when he visited Ki in LA a few times, but I don’t want to tell him anything more than I have to.

  “No, it seems I’ve arrived too late.” I shake my head and as we both turn to regard the couple. She’s turned to face us and steel-blue eyes spark with guilt as she pushes away from the man and runs toward us.

  But I can’t wait, I don’t want her excuses.

  She’s made a choice.

  There’s no longer me and her. She came home for him.

  “Ryan.” Her voice is filled with sadness and I’m sure she didn’t want to see me here.

  “I’ll go. It seems you have your hands full.” I gesture toward the man who’s found a spot behind her. Before I turn to leave I offer her a smile. “Take care, Kiki.”

  “No! Ryan, please let me explain.” She shouts behind me, but I ignore her walking past the older man and making my way back to the private car that’s waiting on the opposite curb. She doesn’t run after me and I don’t expect her to.

  It’s time to go home.

  It’s been three weeks since I stepped on a plane and left him in LA, three long weeks of test, doctor’s visits, and CT scans, all of which Ryan doesn’t know about. With an important appointment coming up, one that tells me what my future holds, I’m not sure I can come clean with Ryan yet.

  I’m frozen in place, shock coursing through me. What is he doing here? I watch him walk away. Even though I should stop him I don’t because I’m scared to tell him I’m half a woman. That I may not be able to give him children if ever we did get together and he wanted to spend forever with me. How do you tell that to a man you love?

  “You should go.” I turn to Josh who’s been calling the house since he saw me that the restaurant. I’ve refused him almost every day, and of course, the day he shows up uninvited, is the same day Ryan walks in on him trying to kiss me. “I don’t want you here, you’ve fucked my life up once before, I won’t allow you to do it again.” His face is one of anguish, but I don’t care. He brought this on himself. When he walks away I feel nothing. The one man who took my heart when he left is gone. The car he climbed into is gone and it’s taken me along with it.

  I know without Ryan I’m a shell. He’s had my heart since the first time I saw him. He’s always been there for me and now he thinks I’ve come home for another man. When that can’t be further from the truth.

  I came back here for him. To make sure I can give him a full life.

  “You should go after him, baby girl. That man loves you.” My dad’s deep timber rumbles behind me and I turn to find his serious expression. Shaking my head, I turn and walk back into the house. This is a huge fuck up. He shouldn’t have come because then he’d never have found out. The test results would have been back tomorrow and I could have gone back without telling everyone what happened to me.

  “I can’t tell him, dad. How can a man want me if he knows I’ll never bear children?” My dad’s warm hand on my shoulder steadies me and the compassion emanating from him stirs my emotions. Tears tumble from my eyes and the pain searing my heart for what I’ll never have rips me apart.

  “Kierra, baby, listen to me.” He spins me around and as I peer up at the man who’s had to be both mother and father to me I know that he’ll always give me the best advice. “If your mother had told me that she couldn’t have children, I would still have married her. When you love someone, there’s never a doubt in your mind that you’ll want them through good and bad. That’s what real love is. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can advise you that the way that man looked at you was nothing short of admiration, love, and that’s not something you find every day.”

  “Dad, I know. It’s just difficult to tell him. He’s known me for almost ten years and I’ve just never told anyone. It’s been something I’ve shied away from. That fear of people pitying me, it drives me to work harder at not showing them the real me.”

  “Kierra Thorne, you’re an incredible woman. Let him see you. Remember, you can’t make the decision for him, he needs the chance to choose the real you. Give him that much, if you love him like I know you do, and I can see you do, then let Ryan decide if you’re the girl for him.” He’s right, he’s always right. Ryan has an idea of who I am and he seems to want me. Now he’ll need to learn who the real Kierra Thorne is. The question is, would he be able to accept me as I am, or will it be too much for him to handle.

  “Thanks, dad. I’ll talk to him.” Swiping my wet cheeks, I glance at the man who I’ve looked up to all my life. His heart is still broken from when we lost mom, but he’s fought and got on with his life. Now it’s time for me to do the same.

  “Good girl. I’m going to get dinner going, you need to go after your man.” He winks and leaves me in the living room with my heart in my hands. I’m about to do something that will change my life, I’m going to be honest with the man I love.

  I should have told him years ago. The reason I kept pushing him away was only because I wasn’t sure if my health would give me a forever with him. I love him. I’ve always known it. I’ve just never had the courage to tell him. That’s about to change.

  As I head out, I plant a kiss on my dad’s cheek. “Thanks for everything.” He peers up at me with similar eyes to mine.

  “Honey, just remember, if he can’t accept you at your worst, he’s not good enough to get your best.” My father, ever the romantic.

  “I know dad. I’m going to let him decide and if he doesn’t want to walk this line with me, then I’ll let go. It just hurts to think about that option.”

  He nods, understanding painting his features. “It will hurt because you love him. It’s not an easy emotion to tamper down. Love is wild and free, it’s something that could burn you alive, but it’s also something that can keep you living.”

  “He does. There’s been many days where Ryan has given me breath to live, to get through the day. I’ve just never had the courage to tell him.” Tears prick my eyes, but I blink them back. My heart hurts. I can’t lose him.

  “Kierra, it’s time you tell him then. You shouldn’t be scared, let your heart guide you, but let your head keep you on the road, don’t veer off and change yourself for a man, let him accept you
as you are. Give him your truth and he’ll love you more for it.”

  I nod because words don’t come to me. There’s too much pain, elation, sadness, and anger swirling through me.

  “I’m going to make it right.” He nods and pulls me in for a bear hug. My father always gave the best hugs. He reminds me of Liam. Strong arms that seem to hold you up when you want to fall. Liam’s been like a big brother to me most of my adult life and I wish he was here now to give me some advice on his best friend.

  “Good girl. Now go get your man.”

  As I rush to the car, I mull the explanation around in my mind. How I’m going to tell Ryan the truth. What Dad said made me see that I’ve always put my life on hold because of what happened to my mom. But when I stopped living, so did my dreams. I’ve always wanted a family, and when they told me I may never get that chance it felt as if I’d been cheated.

  I lived with anger toward the thing that stole my mother. Cancer. The dreaded C word that no one wants to hear. So here I am, pulling on a skirt and blouse hoping to go and explain everything to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

  All I can do is hope he understands and forgives me for running. That when he hears the real reason that I’m here it doesn’t scare him off. It’s not easy losing someone you love. I’ve seen my father live through it and I don’t want to put Ryan through it. But ultimately, it’s his choice.

  He needs to have all the cards on the table and make a choice. I’ve had mine made for me when I was younger and it feels as if your freewill is stolen, robbed. And I shouldn’t do that to him. As I drive down the road, I hit dial on my phone, and when Ryan answers, my heart catapults into my throat.

  “Hi.”

  “Ryan, where are you? The Radisson Blu?” My voice us urgent, filled with fear that he’ll tell me he’s on the jet back to LA.

  “Yeah.” I don’t blame him for being angry.

  “Stay there, I’m on my way.” With that, I hang up and pray I’m not too late to make him see, to give him the truth.

  When she called moments ago I feared the worst, but since she’s on her way, I might as well give her the benefit of the doubt. To allow her a chance to explain what she’s doing here. Perhaps it is a mistake and she’s coming here to tell me she’s moved on. But I need to hear it from her.

  The knock on the door sends my blood pressure skyrocketing. “Hi,” I step aside and let her into the room. She’s dressed in a beautiful pale blue skirt and her tanned legs peek at me from under the hem. Her white blouse hugs her curves in a way that I’d like to. She’s beautiful. Angelic even. I’ve always thought so. Her beauty seems to shine through her stormy eyes, in her kind smile, and in the way she holds herself. Confident, poised, almost regal. There’s a strength in this woman, but deep down, I have a feeling it’s a cover for something she’s hiding.

  “Ryan, I—”

  “Look Ki—”

  She giggles as we both start at the same time. I gesture to the chair in the living area of my suite and she slowly slips into it. Her body is rigid and I wonder why she’s scared. I can read her like a book and there’s something on her mind. I hope she’s not here to tell me she doesn’t want me. Even after what happened yesterday, I want her. I love her dammit.

  “Ryan, I needed to talk to you. There’s so much about me that you don’t know. That none of you know, but if you want to be with me then…” Her words taper off and I feel as if there’s something I should do. Hold her. Or something. But I don’t, I sit frozen as I watch the pain flit across her face, the agony dance in her pale blue gray eyes.

  “Ki, there’s nothing more I want than to be with you, but since you’re with someone else, I just hope you’re happy. That he’s good to you.” Edging forward on the sofa, I wait. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears and she nods.

  “No! I am not with Josh. Then I need to tell you the truth. I didn’t come here to see my ex-boyfriend as you thought. Or assumed after you saw me earlier. Yes, Josh was at my house to try to get me back, but he knows that will never happen. He saw me the first night I came home, I was having dinner with Dad and Josh was our waiter. Since then he’s been calling the house, but I’ve refused to see him. He showed up unexpectedly. Of course, you decided to walk in at the same time he tried to force a kiss on me.”

  She sighs frustration evident on her face.

  “The real reason I’m here is…” she stops, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I have had to get a few medical tests done.” The words sink into me and my heart rate increases. The thud hammers at my ribs painfully and there’s nothing I can do but wait for her to continue. “You see, I have the BRCA gene, my mother had it too. It’s hereditary.”

  Her gaze is focused on the floor and I find myself on my knees at her feet. “Ki—”

  “I lost my mother to cancer, Ryan. She… I mean, there wasn’t…” When she blinks this time salty trails of sadness make their way down her cheeks and I can’t stop myself from reaching up and swiping them with the pads of my thumbs.

  “Baby.” My voice is a whisper, raspy and filled with need to make her better. To somehow take her pain and make it mine.

  “Ryan, I may not be able to have kids.” Her words are blurted out and I’m sure it’s louder than she intended because the shock on her face is evident. Her small body trembles under my touch and all I want to do is keep her safe. Safe from the agony that’s so clear on her beautiful face.

  “Kierra, baby, did you really think I’d walk away from you when you told me?” I question her, my tone is incredulous, but I’m more hurt than angry. My heart is filled with her and if she thinks that something like that is going to change that then she’s wrong. And I need to make her see that.

  “I just… I mean… Look, I didn’t know what to think. Somehow, I feel like I’ll fail as a partner if I can’t give you babies, I know we’re nowhere near that, but what man would want half a woman.” Her words fuel my anger and I push up pulling her along with me. Our bodies flush and she molds to me like she’s always meant to fit there.

  “If I ever, and I mean ever, hear you call yourself half a woman I’ll whip your ass so hard, you’ll not sit down for weeks. You’re all woman, Kierra Thorne, you’re my woman. I love you so goddamn much. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.” I lean in and whisper the words over her lips. She smells like apples, sweet and delicious. I grasp her wrist and pull her toward the bedroom.

  “Ryan, what are you doing?” She giggles and the tension that was heavy in the air only moments ago eases. I stop in front of the full-length mirror and pull her in front of me. We fit. Every part of her, fits with every part of me.

  “Look, Kiki, can you see that woman in there?” I point at her in the reflection of us. She nods slowly. Her eyes fill once again with emotion. “That’s the woman I love, inside and out.” I reach for the hem of her blouse and pull it up. Her hands instinctively lift and once I rid her of the material I growl at the soft pink bra that cups her breasts. They’re not big, a handful, but they’re everything I’ll ever want. I unzip her skirt and it slips from her narrow hips pooling at her feet. The panties match her bra and her tanned skin against the pale shade is incredibly tempting.

  “Ryan.” She whispers my name and I shake my head to silence her. I want her to look, to really see the woman that she is. Because when I look at her, I see perfection. Not everyone is perfect, we’re all broken in some way, but that’s why we have soul mates, they see our perfection in our imperfections.

  I undo the clasp of her bra, sliding it off her shoulders letting it fall to the floor. Cupping her breasts, I tease and tweak her nipples softly. Just enough to have her gasp and moan. “So beautiful. So perfect. All mine.” I’ve never been one to want to lay claim on any woman, never wanted to, only her. I trail my hands down her body and hook my fingers in the waistband of her panties. Slowly pulling them down her smooth toned thighs.

  I recall she told me she’d done ballet when she was younger and it
shows, her body is incredible. Toned enough to be sexy, and soft enough to be a woman.

  When she steps out of the panties, I chuck them to the side and rise. Her scent invades my senses and I’m hard. My cock aching to be inside her again. I’ve only ever been with her one time and to be honest, I knew from that moment I’d need more. I’ll always need more of her.

  My hands splay on her soft stomach and I trail one down, cupping her heated core. The small strip of hair leading to her pussy is like a pathway to heaven, and I’d gladly die to go there.

  My other hand trails up to her taut nipple, twisting it between my fingers. When I stroke her warm entrance her legs open wider. “Good girl, I want you to watch me touch you. I want you to see how much of a woman you are not only to me, but because you’re you. Strong, beautiful, independent. You need to see how exquisite you are when you fall apart from my touch, from the pleasure I’m giving you and I want you to know, that’s what I’ll always give you. Pleasure.” I whisper the words on her neck sending shivers through her body.

  His fingers dip into my pussy and I’m tempted to drop my head in pleasure, but I don’t. I do as he’s asked and watch. The scene is erotic, but romantic and sweet at the same time. It’s as if I’m about to explode, to detonate and kill us both in the aftermath and what a way to go. “Look at this perfect pussy, Kierra. You feel how my fingers fit inside you?” I nod because there are no words to what this man is making me feel. “Look at your breasts, see how beautiful they are. Really look at yourself.” As he talks his fingers pump into me and the knot in my stomach tightens, the need and ache I’ve had for him for all this time is tugging and pulling at me. Showing me how much we belong together.