Essence of Desire

by Brenda Jackson

  “In your dreams.”

  “Yeah, there, too,” Trask chuckled slightly. “I’ve made love to you a number of times these past two weeks in my dreams. Now I’d prefer the real thing. There’s nothing wrong with a man dreaming about a desirable woman. The problem starts when he thinks about her while he’s awake. And you, Felicia, have crept into my daily thoughts, and I see no other way to get you out of them.”

  He took a few steps toward her, barely stopping a few inches away. “What are you afraid of? I’ve never known you to be afraid of anything before in your life, and definitely not of me.”

  “I’m not afraid of you.”

  “Then prove it and prove me wrong. Prove that you don’t have the hots for me like I have them for you. Prove that what I feel is one-sided and that you have no desire to get into my clothes like I want to get into yours.”

  He leaned slightly forward, his lips mere inches from hers. “Prove it, Felicia, by letting me kiss you,” he said, his voice a breathless whisper. “And if I don’t get the response I want from you, I’ll leave. But I’ll still be Austin’s dad for the holidays regardless of the outcome of your kiss. Agreed?”

  “I don’t. . .” Her voice trailed off when Trask moved his mouth closer.

  “Agree, Felicia,” Trask admonished in a low, husky voice.

  “What do you have to lose? Especially since you claim you don’t want me as much as I want you. Unless you think you will lose.”

  His words, as he had known they would, tossed a challenge she couldn’t or wouldn’t ignore. Her eyes, he noted, were filled with defiance and desire. He was hoping that desire would win out.

  Felicia frowned. “Okay, I agree, but I won’t lose, Trask. You will.”

  She reached up and ever so casually pushed the jacket off his shoulders before placing her arms around his neck. She decided to be the aggressor and the tip of her tongue darted out and touched his lips before sliding inside his mouth.

  Trying hard to ignore the feeling of blood rushing fast and furious through her veins, she closed her eyes and deepened the kiss as their lips fused together in a lingering, heated and delicious moment.

  And that was where she made her mistake.

  With a skill that undoubtedly came from years of experience, Trask masterfully, unhurriedly, and purposefully took control. He moved his mouth hungrily over her, devouring its softness and capturing her sweetness. He methodically drugged her with a sensation Felicia didn’t know could exist. She was shocked at the response coming from her, and she was shocked even further when she realized she was helpless to do anything about it. The need he was arousing in her was too strong. But her stubbornness refused to let her surrender. Even when the kiss began sending her stomach into a wild swirl, she would not admit defeat. A part of her was determined to make Trask as crazy with desire as he was making her.

  Their tongues dueled relentlessly as they reveled in the heat of each other’s mouths. The feel of Trask’s muscular arms around Felicia, as he crushed her to him, made her moan.

  When Trask finally raised his head, it was only for a few seconds, to breathe in much needed air before lowering his head again, showering kisses around her lips and along her jaw.

  “Competition over,” he rasped near her ear in a deep, husky tone. “Now for pleasure.”

  Felicia felt his hands tighten around her as he lifted her and set her on the table to straddle his thighs. In the split second that her mind rationalized what his definition of pleasure might be, he again smothered her lips with demanding mastery. Shivers raced through her and another small moan escaped her throat when she felt his hand move underneath her top.

  Leaving her mouth burning with fire, he lifted her top. She arched her back when his tongue began a slow journey from her collarbone down to her bare breasts. His mouth tantalized the throbbing tips, which had swollen to their fullest.

  Months of celibacy began taking their toll on Felicia, and she felt her body instinctively sliding forward, seeking out the hard part of Trask. She wanted to rub her body against the huge straining bulge she saw beneath fly of his jeans.

  Trask saw just where Felicia’s passionate gaze was centered. His hand pressed at the small of her back as he urged her closer toward the heat of him. When her body found its mark, the teasing friction of her clothes rubbing against his hardness made them both gasp.

  He tightened his arms around her and deepened their kiss when his body stroked against her. With her tightly straddling him, their bodies meshed together from thigh to chest. When Trask’s body became even harder, and when Felicia felt his hand lightly caress her thighs, passion, the like of which she had never known before, inched through her veins, and her breath came in long, deep moans. She reached out and her fingers begin toying with Trask’s zipper.

  “You want more, Felicia? You want the real thing?” Trask growled out the questions, but did not wait for her answers. He picked her up off the table and into his arms. When her hands inched underneath his shirt, he clenched his teeth against rising need. His abdominal muscles contracted, and his entire body became inflamed in passion--red-hot passion. He no longer thought of victory or which one of them had come out the winner. All he could think about was that never before had he felt a need to bury himself inside a woman. Deep.

  He wanted her now. This minute. This second. The hard urgency of his body demanded that he take her, here... on the table, on the counter, on the floor, wherever.

  But another part of him knew they would find more pleasure in a bed. He began walking down the hall toward her bedroom with her in his arms. Then he stopped. Her little boy, who was wiping sleep from his eyes, was coming out of his bedroom. The unexpected sight of Felicia’s son helped rein in Trask’s control.

  “We got company sweetheart,” Trask whispered to Felicia as he reluctantly slid her down his body and out of his arms.

  Felicia’s overdriven passion vanished the moment she saw her son. She hurried to him and crouched in front of him. “Austin? Baby, what’s the matter? Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

  He didn’t say anything for a few seconds as he continued to wipe the sleep from his eyes. When he did focus his gaze, it went from beyond her to Trask, who was standing a few feet away from them.

  It seemed to Trask that for the longest time the little boy stared at him. Then his sleepy little face broke in a huge, happy smile. He ran past Felicia and launched himself against Trask, grabbing hold of his leg.

  “He did it, Mommy! He did it! Santa gave me a daddy for the holidays!” The little boy looked up at Trask with soft, pleading eyes. “And you will love me, won’t you?”

  The unexpected questions were asked so innocently and so desperately that it hit Trask full force in the chest and in his heart. He thought the look on the kid’s face was priceless; it touched him deeply. Suddenly, immediately, Trask’s emotions opened as something stirred deep within.

  Reaching down, he effortlessly picked Felicia’s son up into his arms. And for a fleeting moment, he felt a sense of purpose as he cuddled him close. He turned his head toward Felicia when he answered the question her son had asked.

  “Yes, I will love you.”

  “Promise?” The little boy asked shyly, but pleadingly.

  Trask could hardly answer because of the lump that formed in his throat. “Yes, I promise.”

  Felicia turned her back to them, but not before Trask saw the tears glistening in her eyes.

  Six

  Felicia had only to look across the room at Trask and Austin sitting close together on the sofa to know that the entire idea of Trask being the boy’s holiday dad was a mistake. Oh, it wasn’t that he and Austin weren’t getting along, because they were. In fact, in her opinion, they were getting along too nicely. It seemed they had totally forgotten her very existence. What really bothered her was the fact that the man she rarely got along with was getting along perfectly fine with her son.

  As she sat on the love seat watching as Austin eagerly told T
rask about all the things he wanted them to do together for the holidays, her heart went out to her son. She hadn’t realized just how starved he had been for male companionship and a father figure in his life.

  She shook her head as she studied Trask. He seemed to be hanging on to Austin’s every word. She didn’t like admitting it, but he was a natural at handling her son. If she didn’t know better, she would suspect he had a kid or two stashed away someplace and just wasn’t saying so. But she knew that wasn’t the case. If Trask had fathered a child, he would be the type of man to acknowledge it. He would not abandon his child like Steven had abandoned his.

  Felicia’s thoughts then drifted to what had happened earlier in her kitchen and what probably would be happening this very minute in her bedroom if Austin hadn’t awakened. She couldn’t believe she’d actually lost control like that. She would never be able to look at her kitchen table again without remembering how she had unraveled in Trask’s arms.

  There was no doubt in her mind that he thought he had gotten the best of her, but she had news for him. As far as she was concerned he hadn’t played fair. How was she to know that his kissing abilities had changed that much since they were sixteen? And how was she to know that he was now a man with masterful hands? Those big, strong hands of his--the same ones that had held numerous footballs while he raced down the field to score touchdowns--had had her so aroused, she probably would have let him have his way with her right there on the kitchen table. All she had wanted was to be released from the sexual torment he’d been putting her through.

  She frowned. And that wasn’t good. The last thing she wanted or needed was anything from Trask Maxwell, especially sexual release. But then, all it took was one glance at him sitting on her sofa, looking big, sexy, and irresistible, and she would feel her muscles tense in a very private place.

  Felicia quickly reined in her unexplainably fiery and passionate attraction for Trask as she glanced at the clock on the wall. It was past time for Austin to go back to bed and for Trask to leave. And after he left, she would go about making sure her head was screwed back on straight. Kissing Trask, tasting him, and rubbing her body against his had literally knocked it off.

  “All right, Austin Gardner, it’s time for you to go back to bed now, so tell Mr. Maxwell good night.”

  “But, Mommy, I want to stay with Daddy a little while longer.”

  Daddy! Felicia’s mouth dropped open, and her and Trask’s gazes snapped locked for a moment. After getting over her initial shock at hearing Austin call Trask daddy, she was about to say something to correct him, to let him know that Trask was not his daddy, but she didn’t say anything when Trask shook his head, silently advising her not to.

  However, she was never good at taking orders, especially when they came from Trask, and a few moments later, she began speaking anyway. “Austin, sweetheart, I think--”

  “Your mother thinks if you don’t go to bed now, you’ll be too tired to go with me to pick out that Christmas tree tomorrow,” Trask interrupted.

  A huge smile covered Austin’s face as he nodded. “Will you be here in the morning when I wake up?”

  “No, he won’t be here,” Felicia answered, not giving Trask a chance to. “Mr. Maxwell is leaving. Now tell him good night.”

  “But, Mommy, why can’t Daddy stay here with us? He can sleep with you in your big bed.”

  “Yeah, why can’t I?” Trask asked teasingly as a devilish smile curved his lips.

  Felicia narrowed her eyes at Trask, suppressing an urge to give him a good, hard slap. Instead, she gave Austin her full attention. It was time to set matters straight once and for all.

  “Because sweetheart, although you may have asked Santa for a daddy, Mr. Maxwell will only be around to spend some time with you for the holidays. He won’t be here forever, so you shouldn’t think he will. He goes back on New Year’s Day. You remember him from the wedding don’t you? He’s your cousin Clayton’s friend. You may even run into him every once in a while after New Year’s now that he’s moved back to town. But, Austin, Santa kept his part of the deal and you need to be ready to keep yours, sweetheart. Mr. Maxwell won’t have any reason to come around here to this house after New Year’s Day. Understood?”

  “But, Mommy, I--”

  “No, Austin, there aren’t any buts. Understood?”

  Austin held his head down and stared at the floor. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Felicia nodded. She then decided to take another approach in correcting the other issue--Austin calling Trask daddy. “Now tell Mr. Maxwell good night.”

  “Good night, Daddy.”

  “Good night, Austin.”

  Felicia raised her eyes to the ceiling when her tactic didn’t work.

  “Daddy, will you tuck me back in bed?”

  Trask glanced over at Felicia for her consent.

  Felicia released a heavy sigh. Some days it didn’t pay to get out of bed. “It’s okay,” she said dryly.

  Taking Austin’s smaller hand into his large one, Trask turned, and he and Austin walked out of the room leaving Felicia alone.

  ***

  Felicia turned away from gazing out of the window when she heard Trask return. The fifteen or so minutes that he had been gone had given her time to think--really think. And the more she thought, the angrier she got.

  Trask took one look at her face and her hands, which were balled up into fists at her sides, and immediately knew something was wrong. “What’s the matter with you?”

  “You have really done it this time, Trask. I never thought you would stoop so low. I just figured out why you’re doing this.”

  Trask crossed his arms over his chest and returned Felicia’s belligerent glare. Her pouty lips, he thought, were made for kissing, and not for sprouting off words that didn’t make any sense to him. A shudder passed through him when he remembered how the feel and taste of her lips on his had generated heat throughout his body. He forced his attention from her lips and met her eyes. Unfortunately, he didn’t get any help there. He couldn’t help but recall how those same eyes, which were now dark with fury, had been dark with passion less than an hour ago.

  “And what exactly am I suppose to be doing?” he asked. Other than thinking of a way to get you back in the kitchen and onto that table again, he thought.

  “I can think of no reason for your wanting to spend time with Austin other than to get back at me for harassing you all these years. I can’t believe you would go this far. Having a father figure around for the holidays means everything to Austin, and I won’t let you fill him with hope, dreams, and meaningless words of love, then break his heart. He’s calling you daddy for heaven’s sake! And to make matters worse, he’s made all these plans he thinks the two of you will do together.”

  Tears of anger misted Felicia’s eyes. “How could you do that to him? If you want revenge, then go ahead, Trask, go after me. But I won’t let you hurt my son.”

  A taut, tense moment of silence passed between them, and Felicia watched as utter rage covered Trask’s face. She didn’t think she had ever seen him that mad before and it surprised her. And with that surprise came the common sense to take a few steps back when he began advancing toward her. His eyes, she noted, flashed fire. And for the first time in all her dealings with Trask, she had a feeling she had gone too far.

  “Other than my mother, brother, and Clayton, you should know me better than anyone, Felicia. You of all people know my history,” he said in a voice filled with fury.

  “My father turned his back on me and Alex, the same way Austin’s father turned his back on him. You know how hard that was for me as a child growing up. In addition to the holidays, I had those sports events to deal with. Unlike others on the team, I couldn’t look up in the stands and know I had a father there rooting for me. I didn’t have a father giving me that special smile or thumbs up to let me know how proud he was of me,” Trask said, not even trying to control the anger in his voice.

  “The reason I’m doing th
is for Austin is because I’ve been where he’s at now. I know exactly how it feels to want a father figure around for the holidays. Do you know how much I appreciated your uncles for what they did for me during those times? There was never a game that I played in while in high school, college, or the pros that I didn’t know for certain that one, some, or all of your uncles were somewhere up there in the stands cheering for me. I think I did my best because of them. They proved they were proud of me, regardless of whether I was winning or losing.”

  Felicia’s hands untightened and the anger she had felt earlier suddenly left her. Trask was right--she knew his history. She had always been a part of it. Although she and Trask had bickered relentlessly as kids, she and Clayton were the ones he had shared his innermost thoughts and feelings with.

  “Trask, I--”

  “No, Felicia, for once you will shut up and listen,” he snapped. “Unlike what you think, one of the reasons that I’ve decided to spend time with Austin is because he’s a Madaris. And I owe a lot to your family, for being there when no one else was. It’s the least I can do. It’s something that I want to do.”

  He didn’t add that, for some unknown reason, he also felt close to her son mainly because Austin belonged to her. “And as far as him calling me daddy, I don’t have a problem with it and neither should you. A daddy and everything he’s supposed to represent is a part of Austin’s holiday fantasy, so it comes natural to him to call me that because to him that’s who I’ll be for the next four weeks.”

  Trask hesitated before continuing. “And what I’m doing for Austin has nothing to do with this feud between us. We’ve been at each other’s throats for years. It’s more out of habit than anything else. What happened earlier tonight, in your kitchen, proves that we can get along. In fact I think it’s a pretty enjoyable experience when we do.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t bring that up.”

  Trask stared at her lips for a moment, before blinking and refocusing on her face. “Yes, I’m sure you wish I wouldn’t,” was his reply.