Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "Mackenzie, on a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?"

  I ignore her. "Julian! Please I want to see him." I'm frantic. I want to get out of the bed and take my baby from Brayden's arms.

  "Please, Mackenzie, your pain?"

  I try to sit up but I can't. The sharp pain searing through my body stops me. Instead all I can do is scream.

  "Shh. Mackenzie, take it easy, baby." Again he's smoothing my hair. "Try to answer Marnie. She's your nurse and she's trying to help."

  I turn to the woman Brayden just identified as Marnie, my nurse, in time to see her injecting something into my IV line. IV? What the hell?

  "I'm giving you some morphine to help with the pain."

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The last thing I remember is being on the phone with Brayden. And then loud, brash noise. Screaming. Glass breaking. Lots of glass, and metal hitting metal, crashing. My body trembles as I remember the helpless feeling of the car coming straight at me. My arms wrapped around my stomach as I was shoved to the ground. Only it wasn't the car that hit me. It was Carlos. He sent me flying off my feet, straight onto the cement.

  "Are you okay?" He asked. I couldn't answer. Instead I just closed my eyes.

  *

  "She's going to be okay." I hear a familiar female voice. "She has to be."

  "I don't know how to do this," his voice cracks.

  My eyelids are heavy. I remember the baby blanket wrapped around the tiny bundle in Brayden's arms and force my eyes open. I don't speak as I let my eyes adjust to my surroundings. Once they do, I spot Brayden at the foot of the bed, his arms outstretched on either side of a portable crib. His head is down, glued to the object inside, and Jessica is rubbing his back. It looks like an intimate moment between them and a pang of pain and jealousy stab at my heart.

  "Brayden," my voice is low in my sore, scratchy throat.

  He turns to me, and I don't understand the hurt, helpless look on his face.

  "I'll be outside if you need me."

  "Jess?"

  She doesn't respond, and keeps her head down so she doesn't have to look at me. She grabs my toes as she passes the bed and gives them a squeeze.

  When Jessica reaches the door she stops. "I love you, Kenzie," she says before slipping out of the room.

  This is all wrong. Something is going on with them and I don't like it. I know Julian is in that crib. I want to see my son and don't understand their somber mood. I swallow hard hoping the action will strengthen my voice. "Please, Brayden, let me see him."

  With his lips pressed together he moves slowly, tentatively toward me. Once he reaches my side, he pulls the chair behind him over, and sits. He tries to fake a smile. I know it's forced. Nothing about it is real. His lips look strained, and his eyes are way too sad. My entire body grows rigid with tension as my heart races.

  Brayden takes my hand in his and brings his face close, his desperate eyes lock with mine and my breath catches. I don't think I'll ever be able to breathe again.

  "How are you feeling?" His voice is calm and soft, but I know there's something heavy weighing on him by the way his eyebrows furrow together.

  "Help me up, or bring him here. I want to hold him. Now."

  He drops his eyes and dips his head. "Kenzie." After a deep breath, he opens his tear-filled eyes.

  "No. No!"

  "Sweetheart . . . It was an accident. The woman confused the gas and brake pedals."

  "Don't do this. Don't you dare!" I pull my hand from his and struggle to hold back the tears. "Give me my son."

  He nods, leans in and kisses my forehead. I watch in silence, as he moves in slow motion from the bedside to the crib. He bends and gingerly lifts the wrapped bundle. His eyes are shut as he lifts our son to his chest. After taking a moment to gather himself together, Brayden carries him to me.

  The silence in the room is thick and heavy. I want to hear my baby cry. Why isn't he crying? Why isn't he making a sound? Brayden hesitates. A single tear slips from his watery eyes and rolls down his cheek. An involuntary gasp escapes my throat. I shake my head, as if denying what I already know will change reality.

  I reach my arms up for Julian.

  "Kenzie," Brayden says lowering the tiny bundle into my arms. His words don't make sense as I take my first look at my son. I recognize the tiny face. I've seen it before, just a little while ago, only it’s smaller. He weighs almost nothing. A bit of blonde hair peeks through the cap covering his head. His small features look just the way they did when he was safe in my arms.

  "What happened? He was fine. I held him and his eyes were open. He was fine!" The words are strangled in my throat. I don't even know if I said them aloud.

  "The placenta detached." He sniffles. "There's no telling for sure when it happened, but it likely started before today since his growth was falling behind and your pressure has been high. Today might have just pushed everything over the edge."

  "I was at the doctors last week. His heart was beating. We heard it, remember? And I felt him move all the time. Don't you remember feeling him move?"

  He sucks in a large breath. "When was the last time you were sitting or laying down and felt him kick? Is it possible you only felt him move because his body was shifting inside you when you were moving?"

  "What is wrong with you?" I squeal. "Why are you being like this?"

  I feel if I pretend everything is okay, if I get Brayden to agree with me, then I'll be able to rewind time and life will return to normal.

  "Baby, listen to me."

  "No. How could you let this happen? You could've stopped it."

  He shakes his head. "If I could've, don't you think . . ."

  I don't let him finish. "Why didn't you fight harder for him? Why did you let them take him from me?"

  He swallows hard before speaking, "I had no choice." His voice is low, gruff. "You were bleeding so bad." His hands are stuffed into his pockets. "And his heart already stopped beating." He drops his head and gathers his strength before meeting my eyes again. "Kenzie, you coded. I had no choice." It sounds like the air is sucked from his lungs. "I came so close to losing you both. I couldn't lose you. I just couldn't."

  I hear the pain in his voice and I can't speak anymore.

  I want to tear my eyes from Julian, but I can't. Instead of holding my beautiful baby boy and feeling his heart beat against my chest, I only get to experience his lifeless body. It's not fair. None of this is fair. I tried my best to protect him and keep him safe. I did everything I should have. I married Brayden, took my vitamins, and ate my vegetables. It wasn't enough.

  I failed my little boy.

  I failed him the moment he was conceived. My mind flashes back. To the very moment I learned the condom broke. In my heart I know why this happened. It's what I deserve.

  I hear the voice of my conscience in the back of my mind. It's because of me. Because I didn't want him. It's my fault.

  All my fault.

  This is my penance.

  I can't stop the tears that fall from my eyes or the sobs that overtake my body. I have no control over the strangled sounds leaving my throat. I want my baby to open his eyes, I will him to defy us all and take that first breath. I want him to fill his lungs so his squeals and cries can ring out in the air around us. I'd give anything, my heart, my soul for the sleepless nights that come with the promise of motherhood. Anything but this. He doesn't move. He just lays in my arms, swollen, grey and lifeless.

  I scream, as if that will stir him. It doesn't.

  I clutch his tiny body to my chest. I won't let him go. I can't.

  I never got to look into his eyes. I never had the opportunity to hear him coo, not even once. Julian had his whole life ahead of him. A life promised with love and sacrifice. A life that will never be realized. It's hard to swallow. My chest aches. The lump in my throat seems to get bigger with every breath and I hope it grows so large that I suffocate. It's only right that my life should end as well. It's what I deserve. The inte
rnal pain overshadows the physical pain by far. I shiver, but it's not from the cold. It's from the ice spindling through my veins.

  Brayden strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. I can't respond. I can't take my eyes off our son.

  It should've been me.

  I wish I could go back to the moment it happened and trade places with him. If I died, they would've taken him from my body immediately and he would've had a chance to live. Brayden would love him enough for the both of us. I feel arms around me, holding me tight. It doesn't even register that Brayden might need consoling, too. I just sit rocking back and forth with our son in my arms.

  "Kenzie," Brayden's strained voice cracks as he says my name. It all registers, but I'm unable to respond. I pull Julian's body closer to mine. I'm afraid once I let go of him, they'll take him away and I'll never have a chance to hold him again. "Please, Kenzie, please say something."

  I can't. My mouth is too dry. I'm trying to pass my strength on to Julian. It's not working. Nothing is working!

  Brayden's chest is heaving. I don't look up, I don't dare. He loved our child, before I did. He was willing to give up his whole life, all his dreams, everything he worked for before I even considered doing the same. Unlike me, he loved our son from the moment he was conceived. I wonder if he blames me. Either way, it was me that failed Julian.

  My body.

  My cold heart.

  I wonder if Brayden hates me as much as I hate myself.

  He clears his throat, "Mackenzie." I hear it in his voice, the distance, the anger.

  For the first time I turn to him. His eyes are wet with tears, his face betrays his pain. I want to reach out to him, hold him tight, but I can't. With a grimace and a whimper, I pull myself closer to the side, further away from him. A searing pain shoots like hot knives across my stomach. I look down at the empty spot on the bed then back at him. Understanding, he climbs in next to me, wraps me and Julian up in his arms and buries his face in my hair.

  "I'm sorry, baby," he whispers. "I'm so, so sorry."

  Together, we lay in bed huddled together, holding Julian close, and cry. Neither of us says anything. There's no point. Words won't make it better or change the fact that all our hopes and plans of being a family evaporated like vapor into thin air.

  Chapter 27

  Saying Goodbye

  Every time I think I'm cried out, I'm fast to find out I'm wrong. My body's water supply seems to be unending.

  "Are you okay?" Brayden asks climbing out of the bed.

  "I don't know."

  He runs his hand through his hair, "Um, Kenzie, I think it’s time to let our families in."

  My eyes fall to Julian. I can't believe this is the only time I'll ever get to hold him.

  "I mean they've been waiting out there for a long time. They're worried about you." He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes before continuing. "And I'm sure they want to say goodbye to Julian."

  Say goodbye. How dare they! It sounds to me like they want to wrap this up and compartmentalize it in a nice little box. I can't do that, and the thought that they can feels like steel wool grating against my skin.

  "I don't know if I can do this."

  "Hey, look at me," his voice is soft, smooth. He holds my face with both hands. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through it together. If it gets to be too much, let me know and I'll kick everyone out."

  "Promise?"

  "Promise."

  *

  The door opens a crack. Brayden peeks in. His eyes meet mine. He must be checking one last time to make sure I'm up to the onslaught that's about to begin. I nod, and the door opens wide.

  Brayden takes his place at my side, with Jessica close behind. Once my sister's eyes meet mine, I lose track of everything else. She still hasn't told me what exactly happened with Mike to knock her down from the pedestal she stood on her whole life, but it doesn't matter. She knows what it's like to wake up and find the world as she knows it is destroyed. It's not the same, but out of everyone in the room, Jessica knows what its like to become completely enveloped by guilt and despair. She's also the only one I know of that picked herself up and moved on.

  "May I?" Brayden leans down and reaches for Julian. He swallows hard waiting for my answer. I don't know how long we stare at each other. No one moves, no one breathes. I know I should hand him over, but I don't want to. I don't want to ever let him go. With one last embrace, and one last gentle kiss on his head, I take care in lifting him up to his father.

  Like she knows I hit rock bottom, Jessica takes my hand in hers. "I promise I'm going to help you through this. I'm going to make it better."

  I groan.

  "I mean it, Kenzie. Trust me."

  I squeeze her hand, glad that for the moment, everyone else is gathered around Brayden and away from me. After a few minutes, my parents come around to the other side of my bed. Mom's eyes are red and swollen, Dad has his arm around the small of her back.

  "How are you doing, honey?" my mother asks.

  I sniffle, not sure if I can answer.

  Jess shakes her head, "Mom."

  "I know. I'm sorry that was insensitive of me. Kenzie, I love you."

  My father looks down at me stone faced, and runs his hand over my hair. He knows I always loved people playing with my hair. It's sends comforting signals throughout my body to relax and take life down a notch. There's no relaxing now. I'm not sure I'll ever feel comforted again.

  I don't want to deal with my parents. I wish Brayden was back at my side. He's over by the portable crib with his parents. His father has him wrapped up in a warm embrace. I can't hear what he's saying, but the wedge driven between Bruce and Brayden seems to have magically dissolved. I'm glad. Although he'd never admit it, I know Brayden needs to feel that love and approval from his father. There's a tiny part of me that's jealous. I feel like I am devoid of anything to offer my husband. I wish I had the ability to ease the ache in his heart. Instead, I know I'm the cause of it.

  Not wanting to deal with my parents or reality any longer, I close my eyes, wishing everyone would leave. I understand I'm not in this alone, and right now especially, I can't be selfish. Brayden needs them here to replenish his strength. I welcome the encroaching darkness and allow it to lead me away. It swirls around in my head and for a few minutes. I tune everyone out and pretend my life is still on track.

  *

  I hear someone in the room. I don't open my eyes immediately, certain either it's Brayden, or someone Brayden will get rid of. Not wanting to deal, I feign sleep. Facing our families drained me. I did my best to avoid them as much as possible. I slept until their hushed tones grew and woke me, and then I'd hold onto Jessica's or Brayden's hand.

  I wish whomever it is leaves. These are the last minutes I'll ever have to spend with my son. They want us to make a decision about his permanent resting place. I can't wrap my head around it, not when we set everything up and planned on taking him home. We have to decide soon. Besides, I'll be released in the morning. It feels more like getting kicked out. I don't mind Jessica or Brayden being here, but that's it, no one else. I asked Brayden to call Olivia for me. It's one less time I'll have to say the words out loud.

  I don't recognize the steady breathing pattern of whoever is in the room. I wonder if it's Carlos. I know he was here well into the night to support Brayden and Jess, even though he never made it into the room. I should thank him. He tried to help by tackling me so the car didn't hit us. I almost wish it did, and then maybe I wouldn't feel this desperate pain.

  Knowing I can't hide away any longer, I open my eyes. A man sits in a chair across the room with dark hair. He's leaning over, reaching for something on the floor. I press the button on the side of my bed raising myself to a sitting position. The man looks up and I don't immediately recognize him.

  "Hello, Mackenzie."

  I squint my eyes trying to make out who he is.

  "I'm sorry. Maybe if I wore my usual uniform with the white collar
you'd be able to place me."

  "Collar?" I look at what the man is wearing. He's dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and a tee shirt. No one wears a collar besides . . . "Father Mario?"

  He smiles. "Sorry, I came straight from the gym. The other Mrs. Turner asked me to stop by."

  "Why? So you could rub it in and tell me how this is God's way of punishing me?"

  That wiped the smile right off his face. Good. The last thing I want to hear about is God.

  "No, Mackenzie, of course not. Why would you think you're being punished?"

  "You know why." My body trembles. I allow the anger and pain I've bottled up to spill over as I lash out at the priest. "Because we had sex, because we weren't married when I got pregnant."

  "If that were true, there would be a lot less people in the world. Think of all the babies born to unwed mothers, or the ones that are the result of extramarital affairs. Mackenzie, God isn't about punishment. He's a loving father. He wants us to feel safe and happy."

  "I hate your God."

  I wait for a reaction. I want him to get mad and just leave me alone, but he doesn't blanch. Damn it! I want him to hurt, too.

  "How could any loving being kill an innocent baby?"

  "God doesn't kill. And I can assure your son is being cradled in his arms right now."

  "I should be with him!" Tears stream from my eyes. "He should be cradled in my arms. Or Brayden's. I never even got to hold him. Not for real."

  "What do you mean not for real?"

  I ball my hands into fists. Where the hell is Brayden? He's supposed to be the buffer between me and the rest of the world. I don't want to do this. I don't want to hear anything this man has to say.

  "Mackenzie?"

  "I only held him after he was dead," tears stream from my eyes. "And when I was dreaming.

  "Can you tell me about your dream?" Father Mario approaches the bed. He hands me the box of tissues lying on the night table, and takes hold of my hand. "Please?"

  When I look into his eyes, they are soft and gentle. For a brief moment I feel as if he really does care about my son and me. I let the words spill from my mouth as I tell him everything I know. How my heart stopped for two minutes and about the dream I had during that time.