Regret Me Not

by Danielle Sibarium

  "Don't you see, Mackenzie, you were with Julian."

  I don't say anything. I just sniffle.

  "God knows how much you love your son, and he wanted to give you a moment to experience what it's like to be in His presence. The warmth, the light, the peace. That is what it's like to be with God. And he allowed you to escort Julian to him so that you would know your son is at peace, that he isn't in any pain. He isn't suffering. He isn't alone or abandoned. He is loved and cherished in the arms of the father."

  I am so desperate for an explanation, for comfort I allow his words to resonate in my mind. He plants a seed of hope in a barren field of drought that knows nothing but death and darkness. But it’s only a seed and I'm not sure if the sunshine will find it, or if it will die under a dark and threatening sky.

  "Mackenzie, I know you struggle with your beliefs. I'm not here to try and force anything on you. I'm here to help you."

  I shake my head. "There's nothing you can do."

  "May I plan the funeral?"

  "Funeral?" I had no intention of planning a funeral.

  "We don't have the money . . ."

  "That's where I come in. It won't cost you anything. Just maybe a letter of thanks, and perhaps a batch of cookies. For my friend. He's a funeral director, and I'm fairly certain he will donate everything we need."

  It's an offer I can't refuse. What else am I supposed to do with my son? Taking advantage of the kind priest's generosity, I ask him the question I keep asking myself.

  "Why did this happen? Why was his life meaningless?"

  "If you believe as I do that life begins at the moment of conception, you'll realize the profound effect your child had on you and his father. I'd hardly say that's meaningless."

  "You know what I mean."

  He nods. "And I respectfully disagree. I know that you were terrified of how he would change your life. That's normal for someone in your situation. I also know that he drastically changed the course of Brayden's life. He gave Brayden the strength and courage he lacked."

  "How?"

  "Brayden finally said no."

  "No?"

  "To football. He's known for a couple of years he wanted out. I think it was after his third concussion he admitted it to me."

  He never mentioned concussions, or any other injuries. I listen with renewed interest.

  "He needed someone to talk to that wouldn't judge him. He never felt comfortable enough going to his father, he was afraid he'd disappoint him. He said he wanted to do something that would make a difference in the world. Being a football player wasn't the kind of impact he wanted to make."

  A new wave of guilt overwhelms me. I realize while Brayden has been everything for me, I haven't been nearly as much for him. I failed him. "Do you know how many times he told me, or tried to tell me? I never got it."

  "It's okay. I think you did get it, even if you didn't realize it. It's part of why he loves you so much."

  "He loves me? He loves me? I can't talk to him. I can barely look at him!" I spit the words out with vitriol. "He didn't sign on for this, and I sure as hell don't deserve Brayden."

  I turn toward the door to my room. I thought I saw it open. It's still closed. My eyes must be playing tricks on me, either that or the drugs they have me on are too damn strong.

  *

  Jessica bounds into my room carrying a large bag on her shoulder and two large cups of my favorite iced coffee drink.

  "Thought you might like this," she hands me a cup and I'm more than happy to accept it.

  "Where's Brayden?"

  She shrugs, "I thought he was with you. I didn't think he left your side."

  I yawn, "He's been gone since I woke up."

  "Maybe he's in the bathroom?"

  "For hours? Besides, why wouldn't he use this one?"

  She shrugs.

  "What's in the bag?"

  I see the look in her eye, she's unsure of herself. "I brought some things from home." She hesitates before reaching inside the bag and pulling from it the blue and white outfit I planned to take Julian home in.

  "Why? Why would you do that?" I'm not sure if the sudden blow has me angry or ready to spend another few hours crying.

  "Listen, Kenzie, I did a lot of research yesterday. You should dress him."

  I shake my head. The idea sounds sick and morbid to me.

  "It's a way of coming to terms and saying goodbye. It's part of the grieving process. Dress him and take pictures of him, with him. Once he's gone you can never get this chance again."

  "I don't know."

  "I'll help you. If it's too much I'll do it for you. Just please don't say no."

  I give my sister's idea a chance. It beats lying in bed and staring at his unmoving body. And it’s better than letting my mind run rampant with fears of why Brayden has suddenly gone MIA.

  *

  Once we finish dressing Julian in the third outfit Jessica brought from home, she positions him once again in a way that makes it look like Julian is sleeping. Looking at his sweet face, I can almost convince myself that he will eventually wake up. I'm not sure if it's Jessica or Father Mario's visit, but for the moment, I'm okay. I feel like tomorrow, well not actually tomorrow, but sometime in the future, I might actually be okay.

  I hear a knock on the door and take small slow steps over to it. I don't know who is more surprised when I open it, Brayden or me. He stands on the other side, a plastic bag in his hand, and Carlos next to him. I'm so relieved he's here, I lunge into him and wrap my arms around him.

  "Are you okay?"

  I shrug, "I woke up and you weren't here. I guess I didn't expect it is all. Where were you?"

  He holds up the plastic shopping bag, "Getting you a new phone."

  I'm not sure if it’s my imagination, or if he really doesn't want to look at me. Something is off, way off, and it’s not about Julian, it’s about me. He removes my arms from around his waist and makes his way over to Jess.

  "What are you doing?"

  She explains to Brayden the ways of coping with grief she found on the various websites she visited.

  "Why don't you help me with the hand and foot prints?"

  At first he protests. I imagine he's having similar thoughts to the ones I had earlier. I rub his back to reassure him, "I thought she was crazy, but I think there's something to her madness."

  "You're not crying, so I guess that's something."

  "Hey, Kenzie, Carlos addresses me for the first time. How are you feeling?"

  "Like some maniac football player tackled me." I give him a big hug. "Thank you. The way I hear it, I owe you my life."

  "I don't know about that. I did my best to get you out of the way of the car. I just wish there was more I could've done."

  "Seriously, I appreciate what you did."

  Carlos joins Brayden and Jessica. I forgot he hasn't seen Julian yet. Finished with my assigned tasks, I ring for the nurse to bring me my pain meds and get back into bed. We're given a five-minute notice. Julian has been with us much longer than he should've, and the funeral home is coming to get him.

  "Funeral home? You decided this without me?" I don't miss the hurt in Brayden's voice.

  "Actually no, Father Mario offered to handle everything. You weren't here."

  "You could've called me. There is a phone in the room."

  I look down, ashamed. He's right. I should've called.

  "Okay guys, we're going to get going," Jessica takes Carlos' hand.

  "Give me a minute," Brayden says to Carlos.

  My face drops. He's going to leave?

  "Dude, I'm going with Jess. Besides, you need to be here."

  I wish I could say I'm surprised that Brayden wants to leave me, but I'm not.

  "Could you bring him here?" I ask, my eyes already filled with tears.

  Brayden does as I ask. He sits on the bed stroking Julian's leg while I hold him. When the nurse takes Julian from me, I clutch Brayden's shirt, pull him close and bury my tear strick
en face against his chest. Crying I cling to him. He strokes my hair, and the ache in my chest makes breathing difficult. I don't have a clue how to make anything better, but I have to. I owe him, and all I want is to make it all up to him.

  It takes a while, but eventually, he wraps me up in his arms and holds me close. We don't talk at all. Not about where he's been or why it feels like he doesn't want to touch me. Especially not about the crazy tension that sprang up suddenly between us. If it's just tension, I could deal, but I know it's more than that. All signs tell me I'm losing him. Maybe I already lost him. Still, he stays by my side until I'm in a deep sleep.

  Chapter 28

  Remembering my Little Angel

  When I wake in the morning, Brayden is gone again. This time I don't hesitate, I reach for my new phone on the nightstand next to the bed.

  I miss you, where are you?

  Jessica is coming to help you get ready. The funeral is this afternoon.

  I'm both happy and surprised Father Mario was able to get things done so quickly. Part of me can't wait for this part of the ordeal to be over. We still have to face the nursery and all the baby supplies we've already bought, but knowing I can do it in my own time with Brayden and Jessica, comforts me.

  Jess shows up at the hospital with clothes for me. At first I'm worried I won't fit into whatever she's brought. Although my stomach has gone down some, it's still swollen. I'm relieved when I pull out the black maternity dress.

  "And sandals in case your feet are still resemble to two fat hams."

  I ignore her comment. I know she's trying to keep things light. It's not working. I can't help but ask, "Why are you here instead of Brayden?"

  She doesn't look at me when she answers.

  "He thought you could use a feminine touch."

  I know she's lying, but I won't call her on it. I can't deal with relationship problems until after the funeral. Neither of us says much as Jessica drives to the funeral home. My parents and Brayden's family are already there waiting. Everyone's there that's supposed to be.

  Everyone but Brayden.

  There's a new pain inside me, a new feeling of doom. I thought I could do this. I believed if I got weak I could lean on Brayden for strength. As I keep turning to look at the door, he doesn't appear. I don't want our families to witness me falling apart. Not without him here to shield me from the storm.

  The tiny casket is open. I've never seen one that small before, and I pray I never will again. I look inside the simple oak box. Julian looks peaceful. His coloring looks normal, and the swelling has gone down. I hope Brayden gets here soon. I know once the casket is closed, they won't reopen it.

  Father Mario asks us to sit for a prayer.

  "Wait, Brayden's not here."

  "I'm sorry, Mackenzie, we've waited as long as we can, we need to move things along."

  Brayden's mother sits beside me, and offers a hug before the prayer begins. "I'm sorry, honey, I don't know what's keeping him. Bruce keeps calling him, but he won't answer.

  I zone out most of the time Father Mario is speaking. My mind is on Brayden. He's never acted like this, and I don't know what's going on, or why it feels like he suddenly can't stand the sight of me. I try to find comfort in the fact I'm not the only one he's shutting out.

  "And so the old man asked, 'Does anyone tell the caterpillar that once he finishes his tasks here on the earth, life as he knows it will end before he earns his wings and takes to the sky?'"

  It's a beautiful story, and I understand the meaning of the caterpillar's metamorphosis in a way I never did before. It's a sign of life after death and how beautiful the later can be.

  "And so let us not cry for Julian's metamorphosis, but celebrate this little angel earning his wings."

  After we take turns walking up to the coffin and saying our final goodbye, the box is shut and we leave for the cemetery. Tears streak down my face as I touch my little prince for the last time. Jessica pulls out her phone and snaps one last picture.

  "Sorry, Kenzie, he's too beautiful not take a picture. This is how I want to remember him, looking like a little angel."

  I wish Brayden had the chance to see him. He looks worlds better than he did at the hospital. This is a much nicer image to have lingering in his head when he thinks of his son. As we head out of the grieving room and make our way into the parking lot, I notice that Carlos joined us at some point. His hand is on the small of Jessica's back, and her arm is draped over my shoulder.

  "Where is Brayden?" I ask, certain Carlos knows.

  "I'm sorry, Mackenzie. He said he couldn't handle this."

  "So he's not coming?" I screech with desperation. "At all? What the hell is wrong with him?"

  Carlos' eyes drop. He looks away from me, and I know there's more. I take a few quick steps, placing myself in front of Carlos.

  "What's going on? Please, Carlos, tell me."

  "There's not much to tell. He's wrecked, just like the first time you broke up with him."

  "I'm wrecked, too. That's why he should be here. If we're together, we can help each other through this."

  "Kenzie, take his feelings into consideration. He heard you yesterday. He knows you don't want him in your life. He's trying to do the right thing and make this easier on both of you."

  The shock of Carlos' words cloud my already foggy head. I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I shake my head. "I don't even know what you're saying. I don't want him in my life? He is my life."

  "That's not how he sees it."

  I rub my forehead, feeling like I'm getting nowhere. "Fine, then explain to me, how does this make anything easier?"

  "This way he can pack his things and leave without you there, without a scene. This way there's no long, drawn out goodbye."

  "No. Oh, God. Please, no."

  And there it is. I plea to this supposed God that keeps taking everything good from my life. And I know who to go to for help.

  *

  I feel like the ultimate failure. My son is dead. My husband is leaving me. My parents stand with me, holding me, rubbing my arms and back as the priest says the final prayer at the gravesite. The day has been incredibly long, and Father Mario has shown more patience and generosity than I deserve, but I need to ask him for one last favor.

  I don't actually hear what Father Mario is saying. I'm in a full-blown panic, even if I'm hiding it well. I keep replaying the conversation with Carlos, and what I don't understand is why? What did Brayden hear yesterday to cause him to do something so drastic?

  When the prayer service is over, I ask Jessica to give me a minute alone. I know she's worried, but I assure her I just want to thank Father Mario for all he has done for us.

  "Thank you, Father," I say as he watches me with kindest eyes I've ever seen. "I'm sorry Brayden didn't make it. I'm not sure what's going on with him."

  The priest puts his hand on my shoulder and meets my eyes. "He came to see me this morning. Unfortunately, I knew he wasn't coming. He asked for me to arrange for him to come earlier and say goodbye to Julian in private."

  "Do you know why?" I'm hopeful. Maybe he can give me some insight.

  "He didn't think he could handle it well, and he didn't want to make it harder on you. Mackenzie, you should know Brayden requested an annulment."

  The words cut me to the quick. I don't know exactly what it means, but I know it's not good.

  "What's that?"

  "It takes the place of a divorce. It's granted by the church. It makes it as if the marriage never happened so you can marry in the church again."

  I didn't think my heart could sink any lower. Boy was I wrong. I thought I was at rock bottom when Julian died. I just found a newer, deeper level of dirt to climb through.

  "Please, you can't. I need to talk to him. I need for him to understand how much I love him."

  "Do you remember those essays I had you write? I didn't want the baby to be the only reason you got married."

  "He wasn't. I mean he was why
we did it so fast, but I love Brayden, I always have."

  Father Mario bends down, picks up a stick from the ground, and hands it to me. "Do me a favor, break this in two."

  I do as I'm told with little effort.

  "Now pair the pieces together and try to snap them in half again."

  I try, but it's harder, and it isn't happening with the same ease. I feel his hand cover mine and I stop.

  "Maybe you want to demonstrate for him how you are stronger standing side by side than either of you are on your own."

  "Does this mean you'll hold off on the annulment?"

  He smiles. "I already said, 'NO!' But he's smart and he'll soon learn that it's up to a tribunal, not me. At least this gives you a chance to get through to him."

  "Thank you, Father." I hug him. Even though I'm leaving the cemetery without my son, without my husband, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. For the first time I know who controls my future. Me.

  Chapter 29

  Time to Set Things Right

  Everyone is still gathered in the parking lot. I guess they're waiting for me to decide what we should do next. I know what I need to do, and I need to do it alone.

  "We'd like to take everyone out to eat," Mom announces. "Is that okay?"

  I nod. Actually it's perfect. With everyone out of our hair, and away from the places I might find Brayden, it will make it easier to hash things out. My parents and Brayden's parents agree to go to the same restaurant where we had our small wedding celebration.

  Carlos and Jessica are standing at her car talking. "Carlos, can you give Jess a ride? There's something I have to do."

  "You're going after him aren't you?" Carlos asks.

  "With everything I have." I turn to Jess, "Now give me your keys."

  "You're not supposed to be driving. It's too soon"

  "I'm fine," I insist. "Just give me the keys so I can find him. And Carlos, try to find out where he is and stall him."

  "You got it!"

  Once I'm in the car, I take a deep breath and ignore the aching of my body. There will be time to heal after I find Brayden. I know I should feel crushed, devastated hearing my husband wants to leave me, that he wants it to be like our marriage never happened, but I'm not. I think of all the many times he told me he didn't marry me just because I was pregnant. How many times did I tell him the same? Not once. Never.