London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Bet you don’t!” the kid challenges me.

  “Bet I do! I’ll go for it! Give me a dozen!”

  The most beautiful colour prints, plus another dozen on top of that! With yards, sails, clouds, storms! Puffed-up parrots! Hurricanes gusting through halyards! I don’t scrimp on anything. I give it a whirl to the tune of forty-seven pounds! Pince-nez can’t believe his eyes even when I fork over forty-seven quid… He’d never sold me a thing… It made for a pretty hefty roll added to all my hardware, my cast iron… Plus I was the one busting his ass!… Finally I got over my urge… Now was no time to go back on my word… Of course it would be plain wrong… running through the Colonel’s dough! We just didn’t know when to stop!… I said so to the girl… she was as much to blame as me… she was the one who dared me… it came down to the same thing, just as irresponsible… but she wanted to hear stories… so I talk about some more battles, the other pictures in the shops. I already mentioned where it was: Wardour Street… a stone’s throw from the Palladium… Pince-nez had loads of other absolutely gorgeous old maps… famous battles, Lepanto, thundering galleys… plus sea monsters!… Whales with hair-raising nostrils… raging in the waves… ramming frigates! The caravels of the Armada whipped by an Atlantic squall fierce enough to split the ocean wide open, exploding with sea spray and gunpowder… awesome subjects!… Plus an entire shelf of atlases, with all the long course routes charted out… the emerald distances: Pernambuco 3,000 miles… Yokohama 10,100… Tahiti 14,000… plus other remote spots scattered around the globe… to the very ends of the earth… to the opposite poles, and beyond… the only problem was choosing…

  “Come on, Virginia, pick something!”

  True, this was her big chance. Absolutely whatever she wished! The Coral Sea! The Caribbean! some island out there, something teeny-weeny?… A sea speck? Perfect for a little girl like her… The mere thought excited me… I wanted to wow Pince-nez! Wanted him to really register the kind of guy he was dealing with! A globetrotter with the best of them! I even set out my conditions for him! My voice booming through his shop. I want an island with trees, but sheltered from the elements! With a triple barrier of reefs! And no hassles! No worries about where our next meal was coming from… all you can eat falling off the trees… Maybe he’s heard about someplace like that? Bananas, pineapples, guinea pigs… plus an ideal climate, a genuine Garden of Eden, that’s what I need… after all, I’ve just got back from the war! Oh yeah, plus a pleasant, cheerful atmosphere… I want to put these rotten migraines behind me, I want amusement… flying fish everywhere, parrots that sing on key. I want to laugh myself back to health with Virginia, my little creature… Ah! It’s enchanting, no two ways about it… the pain gone from my arm, and from my head most of all… that’s the most God-awful part! An end to the whistling in my ears… no more gas contests, no more Colonel! No more creepy Matthew!… No more nightmares day and night!… Ah! The easy life in the Caribbean! I could see it already! No more geeks on my ass! India’s out of the picture! Pépé too! Ah! My enthusiasm was carrying me away. Pince-nez didn’t get it at all… he was giving me sheep eyes… Come on, let’s leave, all three of us! It was big-hearted of me! I was offering him a once-in-a-life-time deal!… A generous gesture… it’d do him a world of good… I’d take him away to the tropics… I wasn’t jealous about him… he’d get out of his office… Ah! He wouldn’t hear of that… right away he put his foot down… “What do you take me for?” he asked, real down in the mouth… That’s how it was…

  Well OK then, we’ll go by ourselves! Ah, just understand I’m not going to be held up! Tough luck for Pince-nez! Let’s hit the road, my little Virginia! You’ll grow big and beautiful out there! in the Tragacanth Seas! I’d already come up with a name! The Lazuli Ocean! Let’s get going, kid!… And whoosh, I drag her off by the hand! My roll of pictures! My sack of junk! The cast-iron odds and ends! She was starting to get the hang of me, to catch on that I was a quick-to-act, determined kind of guy, well at least when I wasn’t hurting too bad… This time around, the hell with my pain! I was seething, that’s a fact. We’d charged off at a gallop… I was whinnying with enthusiasm. The antipodes on my ass! I forced my leg into action! My sack up on my shoulder clinking away! A deafening racket! I barrelled through the mob!… Ah! What a cushy life we’d live out there! Ah! I didn’t want anybody slowing me down! People were cursing me up and down as I flew along! I ran at least twenty off their feet! Mowed them down as I raced past… all down Oxford Street… Regent… Virginia was having a blast… galloping beside me… all along Selfridge’s department store… Marble Arch… we’d shaken up quite a crowd! Ah! Enthusiasm’s a scary thing! What if we bumped into Matthew? Ah! The thought was running through my mind… The kid was clueless… Getting all fired up is fine and dandy! Danger! Big scenes! Whoosh, I’m tearing along so fast I’m forced to sit down. Heads up! Look out! Look out! I get back to my feet… scared of being followed… What if the cops were on our tails?… I keep pouring it on… another avenue… I cross… Hyde Park… I charge ahead… great, a stone post, whew! The trees over there, better yet… need time to think… what’s got into us? Dragging all this goddamn crap around! I dump the lot! Crash! Right on the ground… a bench… I really need some time to think… the kid wouldn’t have helped me… she’s out only for herself… I’d really been barrelling around too much… I’m heaving, wheezing hoarsely… Ah! A perfect moment to collect my thoughts… take advantage of a break in the action… nobody at our heels… no Nelson, no Matthew, no nobody… it’s one chance in a million! So I’ve really got to concoct some plan… running away sounds awfully good, but it’s expensive… and we can’t take Sosthène along! Ah! First things first! Ah! No way! To hell with the dirty chiseller! I never want to lay eyes on him again, not for all the gold in the world! The dirty old dog-face! He’ll jinx me for sure! Let him go off himself to dig up his demons! Plus his ancestors while he’s at it! It’s all just a bunch of depressing mumbo-jumbo! And then there’s sex-crazed Pépé with her jade temples! Oh! I’m telling you, I wanted to put all that stuff behind me! The whole crew can all go and get embalmed! We were off to the other side of the world! My gamine, my sweetheart, my bird! She’d be my totem! My salvation! We’d have the Tragacanth Sea all to ourselves! All for just us two! Virginia! Let’s hoist our flags! Fuck the supervisors! Two years! Ten years if we need to! All our worries overboard! Southward bound! Someplace where nobody’ll know us any more! Whoah! Hold on! I see a cop! Come on, let’s beat it! Let’s get to those other trees over there, honey! The curving lane… I’m so exuberant, I’m a changed man… still fired up!… But with a brand-new charge!… Of speed, of hope!… I can’t feel my legs under me! We take a shortcut… I whisk across the grass… carrying my fairy along by the hand… my cherished one in tow… Whew! We made it! Christ, I got so scared!… Of what? Can’t really say… at least a moment’s breather!… Just a false alarm… But London’s crawling with cops… I’ve got my work cut out for me!… Still, I need a break, damn! Got to catch my breath… farther off over there is Speakers’ Corner, on the other side of the grove, you can hear their big traps… we could creep a little closer… open-air speechifiers… a good dozen yapping away… we can hear bits and pieces of their spiels… the crowd has no use for them… “Haw! Haw!” the listeners are going… we can tell how the talkers are struggling from their faces… sticking up over the crowd… they’re perched on something… And are they ever screaming their lungs out! The crowd answers back, razzes them… they’re not taken seriously… “Haw! Haw!” the mob’s in stitches… just like Virginia with me, the people ragging, putting them down… the speakers flailing, flapping their arms around… angry prophets, curses floating on the wind…

  “I say the rich must pay!” The guy’s pouring it on so hard he’s red with anger, from far off you can see his colour changing… he passes around a hat for donations… scarlet with rage… He wants all the rich to pay up… he’s out for blood… chokes on his own message… the c
rowd’s hoo-haaing… guffawing… “Hah! Hooh! Hooh!” the echoing laughter… mounts into a whopping roar…

  “Christus is at war! We bleed with him!” quavers somebody I can’t see down past all the hats… on another podium… an old lady’s voice… Christ is at war! She’s bleeding with him! Or so she claims… she squeals out shrilly that we must pray… and right then and there! Tough to please… the crowd isn’t laughing so much with her… Now it’s starting to rain! A sudden shower… umbrellas snap open… It doesn’t cool off the Christian lady, she’s imploring, quivering in the water… we must sing Hymn 304 for her! She does a solo… begs, implores Heaven for an end to the war… It’s coming down in buckets… Virginia wants us to leave, duck under an umbrella too. I don’t want to be on the move… The place is lousy with cops… mobs bring them out every time… she’s shivering in her short skirt, her drenched blouse… I hug her in my arms… I untie the package, take out the tarpaulin, spread it over our heads… presto! We’re more comfortable! Is it ever coming down! But it doesn’t cramp the haranguers’ style… their big mouths boom through the downpour…

  “Women of Britain, win the war!”

  She’s a shrill-voiced soapboxer… squealing in such a high pitch it sets your teeth on edge, and they’re already chattering from the cold… This dame’ll win the war with the suffragettes… I’m all for that! Great idea! There’s something for everybody here, hogwash for every hog, swarms of people bawling out from every corner… more cloudbursts! Look at it coming down! Raging torrents… all the way at the other end, practically out in the street, another yawper plugging away… we can hear him even at this distance, his voice carries… we can’t miss his scarlet top hat, he’s gesticulating writhing bellowing…

  “Accordions for the Army!” That’s his cry… Dead set on it. When it comes for R&R for soldiers, the accordion can’t be beat! He yells out his message… and breaks into a little ditty… a jig, a cakewalk… dancing at the same time… a day without bread… shuffling on his skinny pegs… he sings… serenades, hollers… an eccentric philanthropist… “Accordions for the Army!” Ting! Gg! Ding! Dg! Dg! Jigging on his soapbox… he couldn’t care less about the cyclones!… He’s beyond all that! Doing his fantastic number, having a ball! Nobody donates jack shit… Accordions? Just him playing! Hopping around, going all out! The big lanky galoot! I’m hopping around too, working like hell, and nobody’s donating jack to me! It’s all the same to Virginia! I’m hopping! Hopping!

  “I love you, don’t I, Virginia?…” I ask her jokingly. “I love you! I love you! I do everything for you and you don’t do a thing!”

  I gaze into her beautiful, dreamy eyes… my darling sweetheart, my dear soul… she’s not in a real great mood, sort of sulky… I hug her, hold on for dear life, take advantage of the situation… both of us hunkered for cover under my tarpaulin… since she can’t exactly run off in her dripping-wet short skirt… I smother her with hugs, suck the water from the tip of her little nose… I lick her, lap her like a dog all over her dear cute little face… Ah! Am I horny, flaming with passion and joy over having her huddled up against me… Ah! I couldn’t give a hoot about the rain and the torrential downpour and my arm hurting me so bad, as long as she stays pressed against me so cute, quivering and smiling… but where’d the other thugs get to?… What about it, you fiendish gamine, maybe her mind’s on them too?… Ah! I’m positive it is… little miss innocent, kinky to the core, that’s for certain!… Another panic attack… here I go, my mind’s off again!… Wandering for sure, cos I’m not all that wacko… A pang of jealousy. So where’d Nelson disappear to? And what about Matthew? And Cascade? And big Angela? Ah! I’d like to see them… they’re going to swipe the girl from me for sure… they’ve already got a plan… I check out the gardens all around us… nope, don’t see a soul…

  “Do you see anybody, Virginia?”

  No, nobody… Just look how guileless she is, wrapped in my arms, chilled to the bone from the cold, the showers and from love… poor little birdie!… No! No! No! That’s not what she is, the little bitch! My mind’s running away from me again! She’s a brazen brat, that’s what she is! A little slut, I saw her in action! With Curlers! Gusts of rain lash me right in the head, torrents of icy water, it cools me off. She was just so goddamned impudent! I can still see that angel of mine… I’m seething, I see her with that other woman… Ah! Unbelievable insolence from such a pretty little girl… and those thighs of hers too, can’t forget those thighs… I feel them against me… I should marry her! Then nobody’ll steal her from me ever again… I should marry her right away.

  “You’re coming with me, Virginia? To travel across the seas?”

  I ask her the question. That’s the right idea – I’ve got to marry her! I repeat…

  “Will you come and travel across the seas?”

  I invite her to join my journey.

  “Swim! Swim!” she answers… kidding me along… I talked about oceans… I don’t want her poking fun. I lay down the law.

  “You’ll stay with me for ever!”

  She shows me the rain the downpour… I must be funny again…

  “You’ll come, Virginia?”

  I keep pressing… I cling like a leech!… What a prospect! What an ideal! Together for life! For starters, I’ve got a good grip on her, I cuddle her… very tenderly against my shoulder… the rain keeps coming down… one of those sudden heavy showers… the sun’ll break through any minute now… I boost her confidence, caress her… she shivers, soaked to the bone… I kiss her again, whisper into her hair… nibble her ear… she lets out wild squeals… I feel like biting her even harder. Curlers went at her shamelessly… and for all the world to see! Right in the middle of traffic… without a soul around… I caress her little neck… so graceful, so sensitive… velvet, satin, glazed with rain… I’d just need to give it a squeeze… with my left hand, the strong one! I could choke the life right out of her, cheep!… A thrush… I’d hold her quivering body in my hands… I caress, I suck her little beak… Ah! The rotting old carcass! She pops back into my mind! Curlers, that tramp! Lousy bitch! I could gobble up her little sweetie all by myself! I’ll teach her how to laugh! Little nymphet! I’ll wolf her down! Curlers won’t get a single morsel! With my own eyes I watched them kissing full on the mouth! In full view on the square… at high noon! Frightening, isn’t it? Considering they’d just met one minute before!… Talk about witchcraft! I’m seeing visions of wild orgies… this whole downpour won’t be enough to cool me down… I can still see that vampire!… She’d have bled the life out of my little girl! Curlers was one to do it!… She pawed her until I went berserk!… Playing to the crowd! What if Matthew had seen those goings-on right in the heart of the city! Seen that I was putting on girlie shows!… He’d have staged a bust to end all busts, oh mamma! The whole pretty lot of us slapped behind bars! But still I just kept at it! Dangers or no dangers, I didn’t give a damn! Genuine visions from hell that blotted everything out of my mind… flare-ups that set me howling more horribly than I could take in my condition… I had to kidnap her, no mistake about that… twisted, tortured with love. Purity? What a crock! Hot and horny!… It took balls, simple as that! I was ashamed, and then wanted her something awful… I hashed it over a little more… a prick of conscience… maybe I’d gotten it all wrong?… In a word, it’d all been some hallucination… maybe she’d got raped?… Taken advantage of by that fat filthy bitch? Victimized by horrible pressure tactics? Goddamned street slut… It took next to nothing for me to go over the edge! Since I was already fever-stricken, my brain hammered to pieces, a poor sicko… Whatever the case, I had to put an end to this! Let’s go, up on our feet! I just had to keep my focus… and stay on track… Ah! I need to think this thing through!… Especially now that I’m in charge… An island would be better, I think… something tiny, for instance, well protected by reefs, with lots of sunshine, not some head-clogging factory, or brain-soaking swamp like this rotten son-of-abitching England of theirs! Ah
! That’s my number-one priority… sunshine practically every day, so I’ll be cured of my aches and pains… no more winter! Eternal springtime! And such places do exist! In the tropics, of course! I shout loud enough for her to hear… which she didn’t, because the rain was drumming down so hard – plus there’d be flowers! Giant convolvulus that would completely cover our little hut! And flocks of lyrebirds and hummingbirds so tiny that they’d do battle with ladybirds… She had no inkling… I keep teaching her new things… about all the goings-on in dream climates… a perpetual wonderland… full of never-ending delights… goodies for all comers… everything she adores she’d find there… butterflies big as two hands, the kind that light up so bright you wouldn’t need lamps after dark… you’d have their soft glows… plus flying fish… seals that tag after you like dogs… and just for laughs, swarms of acrobatic Negroes peopling the forests, the branches, squawking, cavorting way up in the crests… gnomish creatures, monsters… but what about our bellowers over there? It suddenly comes back to me… we can’t hear them any more… The meetings in the downpour? I can’t see the contortionist any more. They’ve got no staying power… look at us, we held out… I kept my honey nice and warm… and we really got dumped on!… But what time is it?… What could I have been thinking of?