London Bridge

by Louis-Ferdinand Celine

  “Aren’t you hungry, Virginia?”

  Look at her, she’s dying of hunger and cold! I’m nuts myself, my mind’s running away with me! My mouth’s running off! Christ Almighty, it’s time to go! It must be at least seven! Eight o’clock! On your feet, dear little birdie, let’s hit the road! I give myself a shake, buck up on my legs… so numb they don’t even feel the cold… the kid stays glued to the spot, curled tightly on the bench…

  “Virginia, get up, my honey…”

  She’s so pale she scares me… she’s staring off into the distance on the other side of the lawns…

  “Did you catch your death?” I ask her point-blank… poor little face… “What do you see, Virginia? Your face so drawn and those big eyes?…”

  Nothing’s out there on the lawns… just more rain… puddles… long tatters of fog drifting along… I take a look too, peer hard… don’t spot a thing… not a blessed thing… Ah! Wait a sec, some guy’s over there… a shape heading down from the end of the lane… towards us… like a stroller… he skirts the lawn… then treads across the grass… Ah! It’s really true, somebody is out there… just like that all alone heading towards us… the mist dancing around him… he comes closer… freezes… starts walking again… stepping slowly… sleepwalking… very calmly… another step, then another… he’s disappeared… cloaked by a gust of rain… it’s coming down hard again and you can’t see a thing… the girl just sits there flabbergasted…

  “Don’t be silly, Virginia! Virginia!”

  She can’t hear me… her eyes growing wider and wider… and then “Aaah! Aaah!” What a scream she lets out! Then keels over, plop! She’s blacked out… all in a second… I catch her… sit her up… she opens her eyes… the man is standing right in front of us… I hadn’t seen him… she’s staring hard at him… it was really no joke… a dizzy spell… but now she’s come out of it, fluttering her eyelids, smiling… that’s no ordinary character… standing there… right in front of us… he moved quickly… I saw him way out in the fog… now we make three… I look at the man… he doesn’t seem embarrassed… I think he’s talking to the kid… I can’t be sure, my head’s starting to buzz all of a sudden, like something’s slicing right through it… now it’s me who almost plops over… where’d this weirdo blow in from?… He’s friendly as could be now… talking in French then English… I don’t understand and give up… I realize I’m sitting there with a dumb look on my face, I didn’t get scared, just queasy… I can’t explain what he’s doing to me, it’s a funny sensation… he’s talking funny too, in a quavering voice… planted before us, and not budging an inch… the kid chatting away, actually kind of talkative I think… I don’t understand what they’re saying… bewildered, I blather on… muttering under my breath… I don’t know what’s happening to me. He really was a damn strange customer!… What’s he after?… Ah! Just amazing how he’s pulled the rug out from under me… he’s bothering me more and more… I’d like to look at him but I’m leery… by contrast the girl grows animated… they’re talking nonsense to each other, I listen in… now she’s laughing uncontrollably… from the word go, they hit it off wonderfully… Christ, he’s a funny bird! No ordinary character… and with one hell of a nerve! Bosom buddies just like that… not a minute gone to waste!… Ah! It’s scary, just like with Curlers when you come down to it!… Squares and parks will be the death of me!… I’d like to get a good look at this buzzard… have a man-to-man with him… nothing doing, I don’t have the strength… he’s got me pinned down hard… right away a queasiness… feels like a ton of bricks… in my head, my limbs… I can hear his obnoxious voice… like a goat’s trill, that’s it, a falsetto… sort of like Sosthène’s… Ah! I’ve got to get a look at him! I force myself to look at the guy… the fact is he’s ugly as sin… of course the kid doesn’t think so to tell from the way she’s smiling at him… she practically can’t take her eyes off him… Jeez, she’s fascinated! Ah! I stare hard at him… while I’m thinking he says something to me… I recognize him… then I don’t… I’m not sure… he gives me this queasy feeling… it’s him… no, it’s not!… He’s standing right there in the downpour… doesn’t seem to notice, even though it’s coming down like cats and dogs… and he’s got no protection!… Both of us are still under the tarpaulin… the hard rain’s splattering off it…

  “Well?” he asks me. “Don’t you have a clue, Ferdinand?”

  He’s talking to me… How does he know my name? I stammer, can’t get out an answer… where’d this guy come from? I think hard… What wind did this funambulist blow in on? With the kid things’re going great… the pair couldn’t care less about me… that’s how I see it… I stammer, splutter… Truth is, the guy’s really given me a bad shock… he offers me his hand… I could holler, refuse it… even so I force myself! And shake firmly… his hand’s hard… made of metal… and cold too… like ice… iron… He’s not trembling like me, he’s a rock… I look him square in the face… and then at his get-up, the out-of-joint bag of bones of that ugly baboon!… I don’t try to hide it, I look him up and down… dressed in his black rags, every inch tattered… his hand’s freezing my whole arm now… I start shaking, feel the whole side of my body go cold… he’s a weird customer…

  “What’s going on?” I say. “What’s going on?”

  I just blurt out the question… can’t hold my tongue… I can hear my voice but don’t recognize it… I can’t keep my lips buttoned… my voice sounds ugly… comes out real odd… changed like his… a dead tone, all messed up… what the hell am I doing with a voice like that? I repeat in a whisper, “What’s going on?” I force myself… the words parch my throat, I can’t breathe… don’t I sound cute!… With my nanny-goat trill!… I eyeball that lousy bum real hard… he just holds his ground, twanging, quavering… I can’t catch what he’s saying… he’s nodding his head, talking… I look at that noggin of his… and then his whole person, his jacket, his vest, his tatters… then his trousers… just some cast-off… hadn’t noticed it before… hitched crookedly across his belly… his vest sloppily stitched together… just like that from rags… completely rain-soaked… but he doesn’t scare me! Up on my feet, just as tall too! I can speak my mind and not worry… I go face-to-face with this buffoon! Stand just as stiff upright… I was smiling too, I imagine…

  He starts in with his questions again.

  “Well, Ferdinand?”

  He wants me to start talking more than anything. He pulls his hand back, offers it again… putting on airs… Maybe he’d like me to get lost?… Leave the girl to him? They’ve all got the same obsession…

  “No! No! No!” I go… That’s the only word I can get out…

  He holds out his hand again.

  “Ten-Paw,” he announces. “Ten-Paw!”

  He introduces himself… with a bow!…

  “Ten-Paw, don’t you know me? Don’t you remember? Ten-Paw?”

  He keeps pressing.

  “So, you’re back?” I go. “You’re back?”

  I stand up to him… hold my ground… face to face… even so I stutter… “You! You! You!” I can’t stop… he creaks grimly… that’s his laugh…

  “You can see for yourself… you can see…” he answers…

  I had a sneaking suspicion just now… but I’d told myself I was seeing things…

  “Virginia?… Virginia?” He points to her with his finger… How can he know her?… He never met her… doesn’t even surprise the kid… not the least bit dumbstruck… they chat away, understand each other, so it seems to me… I look at the pair… then at the grass, the sand, the puddles… if I could. I’d disappear… I try to put on a good face… not a soul in the park all around us… Ah! This beats all!… I’m in for it now!… What a freak coincidence! I’d looked hard at him too, that’s a fact… his jacket, his torn rags… his tattered duds, his ugly face… a subway train ran over him!… Ah! My heart’s in my boots!…

  “So, you’re back?” I creak out. “You’re ba
ck?”

  Now I’ve got his voice… I’m shaking like a leaf, you better believe it… and me with my heart already out of whack, now racing along at a gallop… now my whole body’s pounding… Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! My butt’s pounding, my asshole, I feel like screaming… Ah! My throat’s closing up… choking me off, tightening like a vice… I’m not about to ask him any questions! I try to act like nothing’s up, push my fear into the background, force myself… for starters, we should have beat it before he showed up… that’s obvious… the kid was cold… we should have looked for a restaurant… Ah! Got to toss this idea out, rattle him… I’m rattled too, damn it! Now this funambulist’s throwing a monkey wrench into the situation… It’d be a relief to start moving again, and get out of the open, the fog, the rain… “So, you clown,” I’m going to say to him, “you ever eat now and then?…” That’ll embarrass him, but good! Maybe he doesn’t eat like other people any more? Now that he’s started looking like a funambulist? No ordinary character… Just watch me floor this creep!

  “You! You! You!” I cluck out for starters… whining… my voice hits a high note, nothing comes out… they can’t help but laugh… they jump at the chance… I’m a sensitive soul, feel uncomfortable… Virginia breaks the ice…

  “Shall we go to lunch?” she proposes.

  She’s shivering too, not from fear or fright that’s for sure – she took a shine to Ten-Paw right off the bat, in a flash she was his best friend… the same rigmarole like with Curlers… give her a touch of the new and unusual, and bingo! She’s under your spell… she’s wild about the idea, can’t sit still, doesn’t look at me any more…

  “Come on, let’s go then! Let’s go!” I recover a wisp of my voice, and squeak out… they mimic, make fun of me…

  “Let’s go!” they repeat in a rasp. “Let’s go!”

  They’re talking in a trill just like me now… right then ba-room! Ba-room! Big Ben strikes six… the boom bouncing through the fog, you had to hear the reverberation… what an echo! It shook the air… lunch is long gone, Jesus! It’s a lot later than that!… We’ve wasted hours… Ah! Each stroke bongs Ten-Paw full force, ba-room! He sways, staggers… it looks like the echo’s hurting him, it sends him lurching, rattles his whole body, every last inch of his bag of bones… as though he were going to fall over with each ba-room… ah! Isn’t this a real kick now… I’m not the only funny man around… the dumb bastard’s hilarious too! What a scowl on his face! Each ba-room sends him staggering off like a drunk… the chimes go on for ever… he shuts his eyes feeling queasy… Ah! What a pretty sight!… The crazy little girl’s tickled to death… Ah! We’re getting a great show… little imps! The bongs come galloping in through the fog, from far off, from Big Ben, belting him right to his body, banging him off balance… he tries to catch himself, bucks bolt upright, creaks, sniggers… it’s all a big game… he’s trying to take the whole business as a joke… Ah! I’ve about had it with this clown!… One more boom and I’m over the edge… on a sudden impulse, I snap out at him, can’t hold back any more…

  “So, it’s you?” I go… I’ll show him what for! I touch my hand… don’t say another word… just stand there like an ass… glued to the spot… Ah! This feeling of emptiness… as though I’ve been sucked inward… forced down on my ass, my mind a muddle… I sit down… stop looking at him… I’ve gone and hurt myself again!… I pushed myself way beyond my strength… really overdid it… Let the filthy freak go ahead and snigger! He’s just like Delphine’s boyfriend that night with the cigarettes when Claben was so sick, the guy wheedled his way around her and everything… I’d wised up a little!… This was the guy who’d fallen on the train tracks… after showing up with his two cents to put in. Ah! He’ll be in for some trouble if it’s up to me, just let him keep talking! He wouldn’t be making any undertaker love to me! I’d nip that in the bud, and how! Succubi were tearing me limb from limb!

  All the same, the little effort I’d just made did me in… I practically passed out… Ah! He was a mean rat, hair-raising, you name it… but Virginia didn’t see it my way… she thought the fellow was the life of the party, comical and charming, a real treat… they were thumbing their noses at each other… chime time was over… he was standing up straight on his own two legs, he’d stopped swaying… she was still set on lunch.

  “Chop! Chop! Chop!” she reminds us… ravenous… “Time to eat, gentlemen! Let’s go!”

  Everything gave her a terrific kick… the rain, the awful downpour, and even this silly ass! What a pal! And me down in the dumps! Everything made her bust out laughing, maybe me most of all with my hangdog look… she’d splatter us with mud at every puddle… whoah, look out! Splash! Smack in the middle!

  “Dinner! Dinner! Come and get it!”

  Since they were so keen on the idea we raced along! I didn’t want to lag behind… but for starters, which restaurant? Where were we going to take old goat throat? Could it be she hadn’t got a good look at him? Could it be she didn’t realize?… The guy still knocked the wind out of me… so what effect would he have in public? Maybe I’d have felt hungry if he wasn’t around… but here with that reek… I’m sure it was coming from him. I let them get ahead of me a few steps… she was capering down the lane, showing off her thighs, coming on to him, jeez! The little cock-teaser! He picks up on this real fast… loves her act, starts laying it on! Sweet-talking!

  “Little miss! Little corolla!” he calls out to her… in his trill… “You’re our rose in the rain… you’re just as radiant! Leave us to the cold! The frost! Hee! Hee! Hee!” With that he creaks out his snigger, a horrendous screak… rubbing all his bones together…

  “I’ll keep the cold all to myself!” So he declares… “The cold! The frost! Hee! Hee! Hee!”

  He’s ecstatic, capering around… the kid keeps skipping along, dancing all around… what a pain in the neck! Letting that filthy bastard whisper sweet nothings to her… I’m getting a whiff of the guy, oh am I ever!… She adores her walking corpse! She flipped over him right away just like with that old sow this afternoon… same old story, give her something overripe and she’s in bliss… she could keep this smelly pig all to herself! I can hear him clearly, I come up from behind… he’s clanking in every part, this perfect gentleman… making as much racket with his bones as I with my whole load of gear up on my shoulders… Clank! Clip! Clop! Clank! His entire skeleton’s rattling with every jolt… plus that reek’s not my imagination… I inch closer, sneak a sideways glance… it’s him, no it’s not… he’s sure got Ten-Paw’s mug… I wouldn’t swear to it… but with that glow under his skin… that’s the word for it, a glow… especially when we’re walking under trees… in the shade he casts a sort of reflection, gives off a yellowish light… no ordinary sight… his whole head glows, his hands too… doesn’t the kid notice too?… It’s coming from him… from under his skin… head-wise he’s a glow-worm… I’m right on that score, positive, I’m not going to ask him… he’d just dish me back some crap, he’d act arrogant… have an easy time, he’d mortify me, make me wish I were six feet under… I think before opening my trap… Clank! Cling! Clang! Clank! Arrogant, the works… tagging close behind’s good enough, he’d just snap back that it’s all my fault, his holes, his reek, his rags… that I’d pushed him under the train cars… where he died from his injuries, torn to pieces alive… which is why he’s talking like a nanny goat now… I shouldn’t have knocked him off the platform in the first place, he’d tell me… he’s freezing cold and it’s my fault… everything’s my fault… he’ll end his days talking in a trill, throwing out this huge glow all around him… Ah! The more I think about it the more it fascinates me… I feel drawn by his spell… I’m like the kid when all’s said and done… I give him a sniff, a listen… Clank! Cling! Clang! Clank! I’m the mutt on his trail… I give him another glance, another listen to his noisy bones… I’m slaving to keep pace under my load, struggling along, my cargo, my sack of junk… limping… no problem, I’m right
on their asses! They don’t give me a second thought… he’s going to paw her in a little while… they’re already arm in arm… walking towards the gate with me behind… Ah! It’s him all right… it’s him and none other, an absolute fact… when I recognize him my heart starts pounding, this isn’t just some farce, just some nightmare… Ah! I’ll keep tagging behind them anyway… I’m under one hell of a load in my sack, lugging around the new supplies, and still not raising as much racket as this guy! I could feel sorry for myself, I’m suffering horrendously, my bones are aching too… My leg, my arm, my whole body’s killing me… I’m limping, I’m reeling, rolling… but I’ll never make as much noise as he does… his noise goes to my head, right to my head… but I’m not giving off any glow… they chat while trotting along, bantering, flirting, I can hear the whole thing… they move a little ways ahead, I catch up… another effort… I barge right between them on purpose… I can act cocky too! I want her to give me an arm too… I want her to prop me up more than she’s doing for him… I lean into her on purpose… I go sort of fuzzy, I trip… my whole kit and caboodle comes crashing down… right on our feet! Whoah! What a scowl! He’s got to hoist it back up for me… I’m pressed right up against him, I breathe him in… Jesus, he reeks, no bull! He’s decomposing in knockout whiffs… the pretty boy smells like a sewer in his rags! I say so right out loud! “You stink!” Doesn’t the kid notice? I want her to catch a whiff so she’ll realize!… He lets her sniff… I want him to disgust her… he stands still, glued to the spot so we can sniff to our heart’s content… her nose must be plugged up but good! She doesn’t smell a blessed thing!