Empty

by Stacy - Deanne

  “No but this is—”

  “He pulled a gun on me!” she shouted through the door. “Can you believe that? He pulled a gun on me, Hakeem.”

  “I can’t believe he’d do something like that.”

  “Well he did it. Let me guess.” She laughed.

  “Mrs. Terry—”

  “He sent you here to see if I called the cops, didn’t he?” She held her waist. “It has to be something he wants because lately Isaiah doesn’t have anything to do with Momma unless it benefits him.”

  “Mrs. Terry, please let me in. I don’t wanna tell you this on the porch—”

  “I’m done, Hakeem.” She hit the door. “You tell him I don’t care what’s going on with him and I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. As far as I’m concerned, I have no son.”

  “Something happened to Isaiah.”

  She unlocked the door and cracked it open. “What?”

  “Something terrible happened.” Hakeem looked at her with teary, red eyes. “I’m sorry. That shit wasn’t supposed to go down like that, Mrs. Terry.” He grabbed at his Afro. “It wasn’t supposed to go down like that.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?” She swung the door open. “Tell me, boy!” She grabbed him by the shirt. “Did something happen to my son?” She shook him. “You tell me where he is!”

  “He’s in the hospital.” He avoided her eyes. “He got a hold of some bad shit last night and he…he’s dead, Mrs. Terry. Isaiah is dead.”

  * * * *

  A Week Later

  Bella looked out her living room window. The last car of relatives pulled off and drove down the street. She lifelessly flicked the curtain back in place and sat on the couch. She still had on her black dress, pearl necklace, and shoes.

  Yolanda came from the kitchen with a giant piece of pecan pie. “You need to eat, honey.”

  She held the piece out to Bella.

  She waved it off.

  “Have you eaten anything today?”

  “I ate yesterday,” Bella mumbled against her hand.

  “Yesterday?” Yolanda sat on the table in front of her. “It’s three in the afternoon.” She gestured down the hall. “You got to eat.”

  “Why?” Bella shrugged without looking up. “Dead people don’t eat.”

  “Don’t say that.” Yolanda touched Bella’s knee. “I get scared when you talk like that.”

  “I am dead, Yolanda.” Bella gaped at her. “Look at my eyes. I’m so dead I can’t even cry anymore. My baby is gone.” She closed her eyes and rocked. “My baby boy is gone, and I’ve lost everything now.”

  “You haven’t.”

  “I don’t have anything to live for anymore.”

  “That’s not true.” Yolanda sat next to her. “You gotta live for you, Bella. The old Isaiah…the Isaiah before he got on drugs would’ve wanted that.” She gripped Bella’s hand. “You have to start realizing that living just for you is enough.”

  “I keep seeing him as a boy.” She tried to shake the image of him as a child in his Little League baseball outfit. “When the pastor was talking I looked in that casket and I saw my baby. I didn’t see him as an adult. Why?” She rubbed her fingers. “What does that mean?”

  “To us our kids will always be our babies.”

  “I just don’t understand how someone so smart could get so screwed up. Isaiah could’ve had the world at his feet, Yolanda. He was ten times smarter than I ever could’ve been. He could’ve been a doctor or lawyer. When his mind was right, no one could touch him.”

  Yolanda put her arm around Bella’s shoulders.

  “He was only twenty-two years old.” Bella’s lips trembled. “That wasn’t a life, Yolanda. He was gone before he came.”

  “We’ve got to crack down on this crap once and for all.” Yolanda pushed her blond braids off her shoulder.

  “We’ve lost too many of our young black men to drugs and violence, and it’s sickening to me. I don’t understand it.”

  “I do.” Bella let Yolanda’s hand go. “We’re to blame, the parents. Somewhere along the line, we aren’t doing our jobs for these kids. Look at me. I’m a drunk, and Isaiah learned how to lean on addiction from me.”

  “I’m gonna spend the night with you again.”

  “No.” Bella patted Yolanda’s arm. “I appreciate that but I need to be alone.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Please. I grieve better alone. I always have. I’ll be fine.”

  Yolanda moved her arm off Bella’s shoulders. “I can’t leave you with you this low.”

  “Are you afraid I’ll start drinking?”

  “What do you think?” Yolanda tugged on her braids. “You’re stronger than anyone, but you just lost your son. Not even you can be that strong. Who could blame you for wanting a drink?”

  “Believe me a drink is the last thing on my mind.” Bella patted Yolanda’s knee. “I can’t believe I said that but it is.”

  “I’ll leave later.” Yolanda crossed her legs at the ankles. “I’m not leaving until I see you eat something. People brought enough food where you won’t have to cook for three months.”

  Bella managed a light smile. “Okay, I’ll eat.”

  “Good. I’ll make you a plate.” Yolanda stood and brushed her black skirt down at the back. “What do you want? Sweets or regular food?”

  “I’d like some ribs and coleslaw.”

  “Coming right up.” Yolanda headed out of the room.

  The doorbell rang.

  “Oh.” Yolanda turned around. “I’ll get it.”

  “No.” Bella stood. “I got it.”

  Yolanda smiled and went down the hall.

  Bella went to the door and looked out of the peephole. She took a deep breath and answered.

  “Hi, Bella.” Cameron held his arms behind his back. “How are you?”

  She wrapped her fingers around the doorknob. “How do you think I am?”

  “That was a stupid question. I’m so sorry for your loss. Have you been getting my calls?”

  “Yes.” She crossed her arms. “But with planning the funeral and everything I didn’t have time to get back to you.”

  “I understand.” He pulled a bouquet of flowers from behind his back. “I know these won’t do much for how you’re feeling but I hope they comfort you a little bit.”

  “Thanks.” She took the assorted bouquet. “They’re beautiful.”

  “I was at the funeral.”

  She sniffed the flowers. “What?”

  “Yeah I wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable if I attended so I waited in my car.” He clasped his hands. “I saw you and your family leaving and I followed you guys.”

  “You followed us here?”

  He nodded.

  “Why didn’t you just come up?”

  “Like I said…” He shrugged. “Wasn’t sure if you’d be comfortable with that and I didn’t wanna cause any problems. I waited until your family left and I decided to say hi.” He exhaled.

  “I feel horrible because you’re going through something awful and all I can do is think about us.”

  She pulled on the white carnation in the center of the bouquet.

  “It’s all I think about. I have no right to ask you this. But what happens with us now, Bella? I don’t think I can just walk away.”

  “Cameron.” She lowered the flowers. “My son just died. Our relationship is the last thing I’m thinking about.”

  “No it’s not. I know your son’s death isn’t the only reason you didn’t call me back.”

  “And how do you know that?” She put her hand on her hip.

  “You know in your heart that you can count on me. That’s why we bonded, because we trust each other.”

  “Cameron.” She jiggled the flowers. “I can’t do this.”

  “Bella—”

  “I won’t disrespect you by saying I don’t care about you because I think I’m in love with you.” She gestured to him
. “But sometimes love isn’t enough.”

  “Don’t do this.” He bounced on his heels as tears filled his eyes. “Love is always enough. We’re good for each other.”

  “I don’t think I have the strength to give you what this relationship would take.” She held up the flowers. “I don’t think I wanna even try.”

  “Please. Don’t cut me out of your life. We need each other, Bella.”

  “I’m sorry.” She grabbed the door. “I can’t—”

  “Bella?” Yolanda stood behind her with a plate of food. “Your uh…” She glanced at Cameron. “Your food’s ready.”

  “I’m sorry, Cameron.” Bella started to close the door. “But I think you should find a woman your own age.”

  “I don’t want a woman my own age. I want you.”

  Yolanda gawked, then sat the plate on the table.

  “Remember what I told you?” Cameron touched the door. “You deserve to be happy. I think your son would’ve wanted that.”

  “Good-bye, Cameron.”

  She shut the door.

  Chapter Eleven

  “You wanna leave Elrod?” Artie put another plate in the dishwasher that night. “Are you out of your mind?”

  Cameron sat at the kitchen table with his elbow propped up and his hand on his forehead.

  “Cameron, you’ve worked your ass off to get where you are.” Artie scraped a plate out into the sink. “You’re a straight-A student. A psychologist is all you’ve ever wanted to be.”

  “It still is,” he mumbled.

  “Then shit, I don’t get it.” Artie put the plate in the dishwasher. “Elrod is one of the best schools in California. How could you even think of walking away from that?” He grabbed a cup. “What the hell do you plan on doing with yourself?”

  “I’m not walking away from psychology.” Cameron put his arm down. “There are plenty of schools I can transfer to.”

  “But I don’t get this.” Artie leaned on the sink. “Why the hell would you wanna walk away? You love Elrod.”

  “I love her more.”

  “Wait a minute.” Artie shook his head. “This is about some chick? You’re willing to throw away what you got going on over a girl?”

  “She’s not just some girl.” Cameron tapped his foot. “I don’t think I’ll ever feel this way about anyone else.”

  “Oh please.” Artie snatched a fork off the cabinet. “You’re only twenty-four years old.” He put the fork in the dishwasher. “You’re gonna fall in love a million times.”

  “No.”

  “Trust me. Hell I felt the same way about Christie, remember? Thought we’d be together forever and look how that turned out.”

  “It’s different.” Cameron scratched his chin. “Bella’s the one.”

  “Wait. Bella?” Artie closed the dishwasher and started it.

  “I wanna be with her for the rest of my life.”

  Artie held out his hand. “Did you say Bella?”

  “I wanna marry her, man.” Cameron rubbed his hand. “She’s my soul mate. I’ve loved her since the first time I saw her.”

  “Hold on.” Artie marched to the table. “You aren’t talking about your professor, are you?”

  Cameron looked down.

  “Jesus Christ.” Artie gripped his head. “Cameron, are you out of your fuckin’ mind? You’re in love with your professor? How fucked-up is that?”

  “I didn’t ask what you thought.”

  “Professor Terry?” Artie sat in the chair beside him. “Man, do you know how completely gross that is?”

  “Don’t you dare talk that way about her.”

  “I’m just saying she’s your professor. This makes no sense.”

  Cameron glared at him. “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

  “Then what are you telling me this for?”

  “Because I was hoping that being my best friend, you’d understand.”

  “Well I don’t understand.” Artie stood. “You’re willing to throw everything away for this woman? Did she tell you to leave Elrod?”

  “No.” Cameron stretched. “I just think it’s the right thing to do.”

  “Cameron.” Artie bent down and grabbed Cameron’s shoulders. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you man, but this is crazy. You usually have a lot of sense. What’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m in love.” He knocked Artie’s hands off his arms. “That’s what’s wrong.”

  * * * *

  A Week Later

  “Hey.” Cameron approached Bella’s desk after class dismissed.

  “Cameron.” She stuffed papers into her bag. “I told you that we can’t keep doing—”

  “I wanted to let you know I plan on leaving Elrod after this semester’s over.”

  She took off her reading glasses. “What?”

  “Yeah.” He hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of his jeans.

  “You must be out of your mind.” She scooted her chair from the desk. “Why would you wanna drop out of school?”

  “I don’t plan on dropping out.” He leaned on the desk. “I’m transferring to another school.”

  She shook off the spark she got when she looked into his eyes. “Why would you wanna leave Elrod?” She put a folder in her bag. “I thought you loved it here.”

  “I do but not as much as I love you.”

  She sat back and exhaled. “Are you saying you’re transferring because of me?”

  “Yes. That way we can be together and not have to worry about jeopardizing your job.”

  “Wow.” She stared at him.

  “What?”

  “Are you serious? You can’t do this, Cameron. You belong at Elrod, and I won’t let you walk away from your education for me.”

  “Why not I—”

  “Stop it!” She jumped up. “You know damn well this is insane.”

  He grabbed her hand. “What’s insane is how I can’t go a minute without wanting to see you or touch you.” He walked behind the desk.

  She backed away. “Don’t.” She glanced at the door. “Someone might see us.”

  “I don’t care.” He put his arm around her waist.

  “I do.” She knocked his hand down and walked from behind the desk. “I can’t let you leave for me.”

  “Do you wanna be with me, Bella?”

  “Yes. You know I do, but we can’t be together.”

  “Who says?”

  “I say!” She flung her arm. “Look at all we have to sacrifice. Cameron. I’m not letting you leave Elrod for me.”

  “But I’d still be in school.”

  “Elrod is the best for your degree.” She crossed her arms and looked away.

  “What would you rather have?” He pulled her close. “Me and happiness or me here?”

  “I want both.” She tugged on his shirt. “I wish I could be with you and not have to hide it.”

  “We don’t have to hide it, Bella.” He touched her cheek. “We’re adults, and there’s nothing wrong with loving each other.”

  “It might not be wrong but it’s hard.” She laid her head in his chest. “I wish we could just run away and forget everything.” She lifted her head as tears filled her eyes. “I don’t have anything left anymore now that my son is gone. Oh God I wanna be happy.” She wiped her eyes. “But I would hate myself if I let you walk away from Elrod for me.”

  “I can’t let you go.” He kissed her. “That’s not even an option.”

  “It’s the only option right now.” She patted his cheek.

  “Please. I can be patient.” He put his arms around her. “You can call the shots. We’ll do everything your way.”

  “One person shouldn’t call the shots in love. That’s not fair to you.”

  “If I can’t have you, then I can’t stay at Elrod.” He moved away from her. “It’s torture.”

  “I don’t want you to go but you have to do what’s best for you.” She got her bag off the desk. “That’s the hard part about growing up…making your own
decisions.”

  “You should practice what you preach.” He went to the door.

  “What does that mean?”

  He turned around. “You need to start listening to your heart when it comes to making decisions, Bella. Maybe you’d be happier if you did.”

  Chapter Twelve

  A Month Later

  Yolanda stirred her spaghetti. “Pass the parmesan cheese please.” She pointed to the slender green container in the middle of her kitchen table.

  Bella passed it to her without looking up.

  “How’s the spaghetti?” Yolanda opened the cheese and sprinkled it on her pasta.

  “It’s great.” Bella slurped up the pasta and tangy sauce. “You know I love your cooking.”

  “This is what I enjoy most about the days of our AA meetings.” Yolanda smiled. “You coming by and hanging out at my place.”

  “I needed to get out of the house.” Bella put her fork down. “It’s so dead at my place because I’m so lonely. Everything feels so empty.” She pushed her plate away. “I miss him so much.”

  Yolanda chewed. “I know you miss Isaiah but each day will get better.”

  Bella propped her elbows on the table. “I wasn’t talking about Isaiah.”

  “Oh?” Yolanda chewed pasta. “Then who were you talking about?”

  “You’re my closest friend, and I’ve been keeping something from you. I feel ashamed for doing that.”

  “God.” Yolanda grimaced. “Did you have a drink?”

  “No.” Bella sipped from her glass of grape juice. “No.”

  “Well thank goodness for that. What’s this secret?” Yolanda chuckled, waving her fork. “You pregnant or something?”

  “I’m in love with someone.”

  “What?” Yolanda beamed from ear to ear. “That’s great. Why didn’t you tell me? Who is he and how long have you been seeing him?”

  “I’ve known him for months and I’m not exactly seeing him.” She lifted her glass. “I could’ve been happy with him, but I blew it.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You remember that young white guy that came by the house the day of Isaiah’s funeral?”

  Yolanda chewed. “Yeah, he was one of your students right?”