A Lover's Secret

by Bloom, Bethany

  Her mind was overcome with a dreamy fogginess as she remembered. If this was all she had of him, she wanted the memories to be carved into place. She thought about recording the details, about moving a pen across the page, wildly and frantically lassoing as many specifics as she could. Then her heart began to throb. What was she up against? What was he up against? What could possibly ruin them? There was something about being in this house that made her old fears, her old trepidations, her nervousness and anxieties, come rushing back through her. They sat heavy on her chest.

  The days she spent with him, they had changed who she was. How she saw herself. And there would be no going back. If she were just a fling, where would she go from here? There was no returning to her old life. Her mind ruminated over these truths again and again and at some point, her eyes had shut, and then, sometime later, she heard a familiar voice, but one that had taken on an uncharacteristically soft and cooing tone.

  “Hey sweetie.” Monica was standing over her now. Her cherry red lipstick had been hastily applied, and she was grinning unevenly. There was something in her tone that Jess had never heard from her sister. Was it…pity?

  Jess blinked, tried to smile, and sat up, drawing her knees to her chest.

  “I can tell what happened, just by looking at you,” Monica said.

  Jess blinked and nodded. For reasons she couldn’t explain, her eyes filled with tears. Was it because, after all these years, Monica was actually being kind to her, and only because she was under the mistaken impression that Jess had been dumped?

  “And now you’re back,” Monica said, with a self-satisfied nod.

  “Oh, but it was wonderful, Monica, really.” Jess’s voice trembled. “We’re in love.”

  Monica tilted her head. “So… do you want to talk about it?” She crawled across the bed to sit next to Jess, close enough that the skin on their arms touched.

  “I did warn you, Jess. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She gave Jess’s thigh a stiff pat. “So he did, huh? He chewed you up, and he spit you out.”

  “No, Monica, he didn’t.”

  “You know, Jess, I was jealous at first.” Monica made a low guttural noise in the back of her throat. “Beyond jealous, really. Kind of enraged.”

  Jess nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but Monica rushed in.

  “But I knew you’d be back, Jess. I knew I’d need to forgive. To be the bigger person. To help you mend. I want you to know that you can count on me. Always.”

  Jess nodded and pulled her lips back. “I know that, Monica, and thank you, but the truth is, Jake and I are in love. Really, we are. I’m just here to gather some of my things. I’m moving in with him.”

  Monica smirked. “What about the woman he lives with presently? Did he talk to you about her?”

  “I met her actually.”

  “Did you?”

  “Yeah, she was here, in town. I met her before we flew to New Mexico.”

  “How very… progressive of you.”

  Jess shrugged and Monica continued. “So, why did he take you there? What the hell’s in New Mexico?”

  Pure unbridled carnal bliss, Jess thought, but she laughed and said, instead, “Horses and mud, mostly.” She felt a flutter at the top of her thighs as she recalled the horseback ride, the crescendo after the storm. And the mud, Jake’s strong hands smearing it across her breasts and along her neck. The rinsing and the grotto and the hot, hot pools and the bed and the rose petals…

  Monica clucked her tongue. “I at least thought he’d have something better than mud and horses up his sleeve. And the girlfriend came along, too? Holy crap, Jess.”

  “Oh. No. She went back to L.A. And she’s not his girlfriend.”

  Monica gasped dramatically. “Oh! Did you make them break up?”

  “No. At least I don’t think so. I’m not sure of the whole story, but I don’t think they were ever really together.”

  Monica shook her head. “Oh Jess, you really are so adorable. So naïve. So this girlfriend, she gave you her blessing?”

  “I wouldn’t go so far as to say that, but she knew all about me.”

  “You dirty dog, Jessica Madigan.”

  “Really, Monica. She’s not his girlfriend.”

  “Right. So, did you… y’know?” Monica popped her eyebrows up and down.

  “Oh.” A giggle erupted from her. “Oh yes.”

  “Wow. So you did the deed with a taken man.” Monica sucked in her breath. “What if he’s married to her?”

  “No, he’s not married.”

  “Oh, brother, you’re in love with him. I can tell.” Monica laughed with such force that she lost her breath for a moment. After a time, she said, “So when did you first realize you were in trouble?”

  Jessica shrugged. “I’m not in trouble. Not at all. I’m in love. Deeply in love. But not in trouble.”

  Monica rolled her eyes. “Eesh. Same thing. You’re in love with a guy who plays in a whole different league than you. He’s got women all over the place. That’s guaranteed, Jess. He’s not telling you everything about his life.”

  Maybe she was naïve. Too trusting. Maybe Monica could help her. Maybe Jess could use a brain more devious than her own. “Honestly, Monica,” Jess said softly, “There were a few things that just didn’t entirely add up.”

  Monica’s eyes widened. “Do tell.”

  Jess opened her mouth and paused. Why was she going to tell her all of this?

  “Wait,” Monica burst out. She leapt to the desk to snatch a notepad and a ballpoint pen. Then she made small circles on the paper until the ink flowed smoothly.

  “I don’t think you need to make a list, Monica. There aren’t that many secrets.”

  “Let me be the judge of that. Just… go on.”

  “Okay, well. First, will you promise to keep this all just between us? Like, don’t go writing it down so you can sell it to the tabloids or something.”

  “Please, Jess. I’m offended. I’m your sister.”

  “I know.” Jess twisted her hands together. “But what I need now is a friend.”

  “Of course. I’m your sister, and I’m your friend.”

  Jess inhaled deeply and wished she had someone besides Monica to talk this out with. “Okay, this is the only thing that kind of worries me.” Even as she spoke, she wondered why on earth she was discussing this with her sister. Was it to make Monica feel better, less jealous? Less enraged? Or maybe she just needed to tell someone—anyone. She continued. “Jake and I were going to go together to Los Angeles today. Then, this morning, while he was in the shower, he got a text, and as soon as he read the text, he changed the plan. He said he had to go by himself for a couple of days, and he started coming up with all kind of reasons I couldn’t go with him.”

  “What a dog.”

  Jess stared down at the quilt on her bed and traced the tiny stitches with her fingers.

  “Please tell me you stole a glance at that text,” Monica said.

  Jess smiled sheepishly, not looking up. “I did.”

  “Good girl, Jess.”

  “No, I really am ashamed, but I just knew there was something there that I needed to see.”

  “So what did it say?”

  “Well, first it said that he loved me. And it was to Elizabeth.”

  “Who the hell is Elizabeth?”

  “The girl he lives with.”

  “His girlfriend?”

  “No, Monica. Again. I don’t think so.”

  Monica flicked her eyes to the ceiling. “Right, Jess. Okay, he was lying in bed with you while at the same time texting his hot, supermodel, live-in platonic friend.” Her brow furrowed. “Go on.”

  “Did you hear the part where he told her that he loved me?”

  “Yeah, okay. I’m sure he does, Jess.” She rolled her eyes. “Then what?”

  “Then Elizabeth said Jake needed to ‘tell me,’ before it was too late, and then she said that he couldn’t keep a secret this big from someone he love
s, and that it would ruin everything.” She gulped. “And it all had something to do with what he’d be doing for the next couple of days.”

  “Hmm… like maybe hanging out with his wife?”

  “No,” Jess replied, considering. “I think more like, maybe, a court case. Something like that. I know he’s got some… legal issues. At breakfast one day, he told me some big story about how his parents embezzled a bunch of money and how they are on the run. Somewhere outside the country, presumably.”

  Monica began to scribble at the notepad. “Jess, you have got to tell me everything suspicious that he did. Anything might be a clue. Anything at all.”

  “You’re acting like this is CSI or something.”

  “It kind of is.”

  “Except that nobody has committed a crime.”

  “Or have they?”

  “Geez, Mon.”

  “Do you think he killed his parents?”

  “Of course not.”

  “You never know. You are far too naïve and trusting, Jess. For life in general.”

  “Monica, he didn’t kill anyone.”

  “What other kind of secret is so big it has all these consequences? Things that are going to ruin you?”

  “He didn’t say it was going to ruin me. I think he said it was going to ruin everything.”

  “Same thing.”

  “No it’s not.”

  “Maybe he’s part of the mafia or something. I mean, he does kind of throw his money around.”

  Jess cleared her throat. She decided not to tell her about his proposal to pay off her student loans.

  “I’ll bet you anything I can find out what he’s up to,” Monica said. “Everything is on the internet these days. You’ve just got to know where to look. I’ve got my laptop in my car.” Monica swung her feet to the side of the bed, and patted Jess’s leg. “Hang tight.” Then, just like that, she was up the stairs. Jess had never seen her move so fast.

  And then she was back, and they sat together, on the bed, and took turns trawling the web for any mention of Jake Lassiter. So many articles, book reviews, photos, including one of him getting off the plane in Los Angeles that very morning.

  “He sure is smiling. I will say that for you, Jess.”

  Jess pushed against the piece of obsidian in her pocket.

  “So, was he any good? In bed?” Monica jabbed her in the ribs with her elbow.

  Jess nodded and squinted at the screen.

  “Well, it couldn’t have been that earth-shattering if you’re still so repressed. Really, can’t you even share a few little details? Like, how many times did you do it?”

  Countless, Jess thought. “More than once,” she answered.

  She knew then, that if she told Monica the places that Jake had brought her to—the dizzying heights that she had climbed with him, their afternoon together would be ruined.

  “Okay, look here,” Jess said, “Elizabeth’s full name is Elizabeth Clark.”

  “Google her.”

  “I tried. There are just too many of them. Even in the Los Angeles area. I mean, there are all kinds of stories that mention Elizabeth Clark in relation to Jake. But there’s also an Elizabeth Clark physical therapist, attorney, doctor, photographer, bridal designer. Who knows which one she is?”

  “Well, how does Jake describe their relationship? Like, in People?”

  “You know, he doesn’t. She’s just there. It seems she’s nearly always with him.”

  She would need more time, much more time when Monica wasn’t sitting next to her, jotting down notes on her pad, playing detective.

  One link caught her eye, though Monica tried to scroll past it. Jess jabbed her hand at the screen. “That one. Click on that,” she said. The headline read, “Who is The Girl from the Hallway?” It was posing as some investigative piece but was really just a photo gallery featuring a laundry list of the women Jake had been involved with over the years. It didn’t even mention Jake’s high school. “Who is your Hallway Girl?” the magazine wanted to know.

  Jess felt a rising inside. While she’d been memorizing the names of ligaments and tendons in medical school, she had become a sort of cultural icon. A symbol. A reminder to live life to its fullest. To never let “the one” get away. Who knew?

  Her stomach rose. She was that girl. The one he’d pined for. She was Jake’s. She belonged to him, and he to her. They were in love. And Monica would try, until the end of her days, to make her doubt that. She watched Monica for a moment now. The nervous way she laughed and drummed her hands on the keyboard. She was desperate to find it. To find the thing, the piece of information, that would make all of this go away.

  In House Beautiful, there was a spread of Jake’s home in Malibu. Vintage appliances. Walls of glass with gauzy curtains. Marble everywhere. Cascading pools overlooking the beach. She gulped. This would be her life. In two days. Why was she working so hard to prove that there was something wrong?

  “You know, Monica, I think maybe it’s time I just trust him. He’ll tell me when he needs to tell me. I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  “You’re prolonging the heartbreak, you know. Sooner or later, Jess, it’s going to happen.”

  “Aren’t you the one who’s always saying that a little good loving is worth everything?”

  “Well, sure, but this could be big. Bigger than you. What if he’s a mobster or something? Or a killer. You could be in real danger here. I’m just looking out for you, you know.”

  “There isn’t anything seedy or suspicious in any of these articles.”

  “I don’t think mobsters put out ads announcing their seediness. I don’t think they label themselves. One thing is for sure, though, Jess, he’s a bad boy. He uses girls. That’s what bad boys do. It’s what makes them bad.”

  “What gives you the idea that he’s a bad boy?”

  “You mean besides the dozens of photos of him with different drop-dead gorgeous starlets?” Monica laughed. “Clue number one: You know he has a secret and that he needed to get rid of you for a couple of days to keep that secret. Clue number two: You’re here and he’s there.”

  Jess pushed at the rock in her pocket until it dug into her skin.

  Monica continued, her voice hushed. “What we know is that Jake Lassiter has a secret so big it could ruin you, and we know he is unwilling to tell you what it is. I mean, use your head.” She met Jess’s eyes. “You know, I would have thought you were too smart to get mixed up in anything like this, but I guess you’re not any better than the rest of us.” Her lips pushed into a pout. “We’re all just slaves. Slaves to lust.”

  The phrase made Jess imagine herself handcuffed, shackled. “I think that might be overstating it,” Jess said, laughing nervously.

  “You do, huh?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Okay, how many times have you thought about him since the last time you made love? How many times have you fantasized about having him again?”

  Jess looked down, her face flushed.

  “Yeah” Monica said, “That’s what I thought.”

  ***

  Jake

  Where was he?

  Where was Jess?

  Jake patted at the side of the bed. Only cold. And tubes. Lights glowed through his closed eyelids. Had he sent Jess home? Yes, he remembered now, and it made sense. At least Jess wouldn’t see him like this. But for a split second, he wished she were here. That someone was here, besides… her.

  Miranda’s hands were soft and smooth as she repositioned Jake’s arms flat on the sheets. He blinked his eyes open, and her face blocked the overhead light for a moment. Her smile was kind and her voice was soft. “Hey, sleepyhead. I can’t believe we wrangled you in here finally.”

  Jake grunted, and she continued. “It really is nice to see you again. From what I’ve seen so far, it’s high time you returned.”

  “Is it bad?”

  “Well, we were hoping for better, but it’s too soon to tell.”

&
nbsp; Jake squeezed his eyes shut.

  Miranda continued with her soft, hypnotic voice, like waves flowing through the room. “Elizabeth says you’re in love.”

  His eyes fluttered open, and Miranda peered at him, a look of condolence. “You can bring her here, you know. She could sleep right here. I could pull in a cot. Would you like me to call and explain things to her?”

  He laughed—a sardonic, bitter laugh. “What would you explain to her exactly?”

  “Where we are with everything now. What to expect…for the future.”

  Jake’s face reddened. How he wanted to rip the electrodes from his arms and his legs. The IV from his arm. How he wanted to run straight out of there.

  “I know that you are feeling anger. That is perfectly natural.” The softer Miranda’s tone, the more Jake wanted to scream at her. A monitor began to chirp and then to buzz. “But you aren’t doing yourself any favors here, Jake, and this is all for your benefit. You understand that, don’t you?”

  Jake closed his eyes once more, and Miranda continued. “The medication does seem to be working, at least in stopping the progression of the deterioration, but I know, at the level at which we have been administering it the past few weeks, the side effects have been severe.”

  “I’ve lost strength.” Jake’s words slid out, unintended. “Even at a time when I needed it. All of it. It was just gone.”

  “It will be better once you rest.”

  “No it won’t. You said the damage was irreversible.”

  “Yes. So I don’t suggest you go taking any more trips just now. You did yourself a disservice, Jake. A huge disservice by leaving, and it just might cost you.” Jake’s hands clenched into fists, and Miranda backed toward the door. “Would you like me to call Elizabeth in for you?”

  He shook his head. His eyes grew tight with pent-up tears.

  “Would you like me to call…” Miranda glanced at her clipboard. “Jessica?”

  Every muscle in his body tensed. “Under no circumstances are you to call Jess. She is never to know what goes on in here.”