A Lover's Secret

by Bloom, Bethany

  “I don’t see how you can keep this from her, Jake. Realistically speaking. You do know your prognosis, do you not?”

  He did. He knew. “Just, don’t call Jess.”

  Twelve

  Jess

  It was morning and everyone was awake upstairs. Jess could hear their heavy footsteps on the floor above. Her mother’s clicking heels. Her father’s loafers. The drag of a chair. The smell of eggs with Velveeta cheese. Even Monica’s voice, shouting pleasantries toward Grandma. She should get up. But her parents would be gone soon. They never stayed past nine, and there was so much she could avoid by simply staying in bed a little longer.

  She imagined what would happen if she walked upstairs just then. Mom wouldn’t say much of anything at first, and Dad would say, “Well, so nice of you to grace us with your presence.” Surely Grandma or Monica would have told them that she planned to move in, unwed, with Jake. In that case, Dad would pretend there had been some mistake, saying something like “Gram said you were moving in with a man, but I know you’d never do that without a ring on your finger.” And then one of them would bring up how long, in days, she still had to change her mind about medical school before her leave of absence ended, and then Mom would start in on the laundry list of things she had to give up in order to advance her own career and how some things are just more important than simply how Jess felt at the moment and what Jess might think she wanted at the moment. And how the decisions she made now would set the trajectory for her entire life.

  She had heard all of their speeches and lectures, and she had no interest in hearing them today. Footsteps clopped over to the top of the basement stairs, then heavy footfalls down, down. Jess fluttered her eyes closed and made sure to maintain deep and even breaths. She knew it was her father, standing over her. He sniffed. He coughed. He banged his knee into something. All the while, she kept her eyes closed, her breathing even, her face calm. After a time, he climbed back up the stairs and he made his way to the front door, and her mother’s voice called out, shrill and disappointed, “Well, she can’t just treat the place like a hotel. What on earth do you think has gotten into her?”

  This could be her last morning in this bed—if Jake called today. And he would. He would tell her when to come. When to board the plane and fly to Los Angeles. She was ready. Her bag was packed. Today he would call.

  She stayed like this, motionless, eyes closed, willing her phone to ring. And then someone was bouncing on her bed.

  “Good morning, faker.” Monica said, as Jess’s eyes blinked open. “It’s time to rise and shine, my friend.”

  “What for?”

  “Because I have a plan for us. Unless you’re off to Wonderland already today.”

  Jess didn’t respond.

  “Has he called you yet?” Monica demanded.

  “No, but he will today.”

  “Jess—” Monica’s tone reeked of pity.

  “Just… what? What do you want, Monica?”

  “Well, I want to have a sister day. An all-out girls’ day. I have it all planned out, so you can’t say no. Besides, I know you don’t have anything better to do. We’ll shop this morning. Then we’ll get the works at Vivian’s salon. You remember Vivian?”

  “I think so.”

  “Okay, great. Then we’ll have a really special dinner. There’s a French restaurant that opened recently on the boulevard, right next to Viv’s place.”

  Jess pressed her eyes shut.

  “I’ve got it all planned out. We have appointments: massage, highlight, hair, tanning, the works. So,” she leaned in close to Jess’s ear and then shouted, “Get up!”

  “Oh,” Jess groaned. “That’s sweet, Monica. But I’m exhausted.” She thought of Jake. Was he still sleeping, wherever he was? She imagined his face, the way his eyes sunk into her as they were making love. His thick, muscled shoulders. He was so perfect, so gorgeous. And he was hers. She moaned a little. He would call today.

  Monica’s brows pulled in. “Sorry, but I’m not taking no for an answer, Jess. It’s going to be my treat. The whole shebang.” Monica stuck out her bottom lip. “These days, I never know when you might up and do something crazy. When I might lose you… to wonderland.” Her laugh was brash, and she pulled at Jess’s arm.

  When would he call? She couldn’t spend too many more days in this house. But maybe this was what needed to happen. A final day with Monica. A proper goodbye to her grandmother and her mother and father, and then that would be it.

  And so Jess dressed in the gauzy sundress with the silvery strappy sandals that Jake had bought her, and, just before they left the house, she checked in on Grandma.

  “How are you feeling this morning?” Jess asked, standing above the recliner.

  “Well, I’m feeling great today, Jessica. Thanks for asking. Now, don’t worry about me, dear. Don’t worry about me at all.” Her tone was uncharacteristically bright, almost giddy, and she could have sworn that Monica gave her a wink before they headed out.

  That was peculiar. Was it the new medication? The St. John’s Wort? In any case, Grandma was feeling well, at least for today, and this made Jess’s face shine as they left the house and drove, first, to a boutique in the garment district where Monica bought Jess a too-tight crimson dress, which she insisted she wear out of the store, even though it was only eleven in the morning. Then they stopped for a quick coffee and a croissant at a bakery downtown.

  “So, has he called you yet?”

  Jess wished she could lie. “He will.”

  “I wonder what he’s doing right now.”

  Jess shrugged.

  “I wonder what he’s doing that’s so…secret. Tying up gangsters?”

  “If you want to continue on with this day, Monica, you are going to need to stop.”

  Monica showed her palms. “Understood, okay.” But as they were leaving, she said, “I know the perfect distraction for a woman whose heart is breaking. Just wait until you see Viv’s salon. It’s more of a day spa, really. She remodeled the whole thing herself. It’s really something.”

  And it was really something. Cut crystal chandeliers. The scent of bergamot and lavender. Soft classical music. Jess and Monica sat side by side for hours as their bodies were plucked, waxed, polished, and massaged. Then it was on to haircuts and blowouts and makeup artistry. By the time she left, Jess thought, she looked like herself only airbrushed, and she gave a self-satisfied nod at her reflection as she said, with sincerity, “This day has been a true treat, Monica. Thank you.”

  Monica plucked a rose from the arrangement at the front desk. She fit it snugly behind Jess’s ear and arranged her hair around it. Then she waved her hand out the plate glass front window, toward the bistro next door. “Go get us a table for dinner, would you? Right over there. I’ll meet you in, like, a minute. I just need to settle up with Viv.”

  “Oh, are you sure? I can wait with you.”

  “No, no, that would be tacky. I would hate for you to see the grand total for this day of pampering. Now, go!” And she pushed Jess out the door.

  It had gotten dark. Goodness, how long had they been in there? And still Jake hadn’t called. Jess’s stomach clenched, and she had a bitter taste in her mouth. She pulled open the heavy door to the bistro and was met by the wafting scent of freshly roasted garlic, the sound of live jazz. The last thing she wanted was a lavish dinner, where she would have to continue sucking in her stomach so this stupid dress wouldn’t rip at the seams. But at least it would distract her. It would make it so she wasn’t pathetically staring at her phone all evening.

  Her phone! She had left it, again. It must be still at the salon. She had been checking it, as surreptitiously as she could, all day. At least every ten minutes.

  Jess made her way back toward the front door, glaring out the window of the restaurant, which peeked into the salon next door. Monica was holding her phone and shaking it, looking at the display and making a sad face. Mocking her. Of course. Her fists clenched. Then there ca
me a tap, light on the shoulder. She spun around and was met with the face of a young man, about her age, short in stature, with a well-trimmed red beard, tortoise shell glasses, and an earnest expression. “Jess?” His voice was low and kind.

  Who was he? Did she know him? She searched her memory. High school? She didn’t think so.

  “Yes? I’m Jess.”

  “Forgive me,” he said, “I know you by the rose. Your grandmother said you’d be wearing a red rose in your hair.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “You are Jessica Madigan, correct?”

  “I am. I’m sorry. I’m a little confused. You are—?”

  “Evan. Evan Everhart.”

  Evan, Evan. Who was Evan Everhart? “Oh!” Jess tipped her head back. “You’re my grandmother’s doctor.”

  His face flushed. “She didn’t tell you, did she?”

  Jess’s eyes flitted to the window. Monica’s face was nearly pressed against the glass next door. When she caught Jess’s eyes, she threw her head back in laughter.

  “She did not, Evan. I’m so sorry. I think I’ve been tricked.”

  “It appears we both have. I was under the impression that your grandmother had notified you of our date.”

  Jess tried to laugh. “I’m sorry. My grandmother is… rather eager.”

  Evan’s lips pressed tight. “I was actually under the impression that you were the instigator.” He swept his eyes toward her. “But since that’s obviously not the case, don’t worry.” He winked. “You’re off the hook.”

  His index finger glided up and pushed at the center of his glasses and she saw that his hands were trembling. “But your grandmother does speak the truth,” he said. “You are stunning.” His voice shook a little. He was so meek and adorable and unsure. So unlike Jake, who still hadn’t called. Jess felt suddenly taller, statuesque and beautiful.

  Her stomach growled. Judging from the expectant look on Monica’s face, she no doubt expected her to be terrified. Maybe even to run out of there. And maybe that’s what Old Jess would have done. Virgin Jess. Scared-of-everything Jess. She pulled her shoulders back.

  “If it’s all the same to you,” Jess said, “I’d love to have dinner with you.” Certainly, it was better than having dinner with Monica, though she sure wished she had her phone. She looked back to the salon, now, but the lights were out. Monica had gone. She turned back to Evan. “But I do feel the need for a disclosure here.”

  “Okay.” He drew out each syllable, sounding unsure.

  “I am in a relationship at the moment.” Was that even true? She swallowed hard, and she saw his Adam’s apple rise and fall, as well. “So this can’t really be a date as much as my grandmother wants it to be.”

  He smiled broadly at her, then. “Well, since we’re both here, and since we have a reservation, I think it would be a shame to miss out on what might be a wonderful dinner. Also,” his voice dropped, “Your grandmother tells me you’re in the last stages of schooling, and that maybe you hit a snag, so we could talk about that. If you want.”

  And so Jess allowed Evan to steer her to their table, his hand grazing the small of her back.

  Once they’d ordered, Evan cleared his throat. “So. What do you think is stopping you from finishing school?”

  “Everything.”

  “Oh, well, if that’s all.” He laughed.

  “No, truthfully. Everything. There’s only one thing that makes me feel like I should continue on.”

  “And that is?”

  “All the damn money I’ve borrowed to get this far.”

  He laughed from somewhere way down deep. “Amen. They do get you. I’ve been out of residency now for two and a half years, and I’ve just now made a dent in it all. Even though I make great money.” He took a sip of his wine. “In case you weren’t thinking that I would make a fantastic catch.” He snorted a little when he laughed and she wondered what his beard would feel like against her skin. What it would feel like if he were to kiss her.

  Jess steered the conversation back to business. “For a while, I thought the loans would be insurmountable, but I think I may have actually found a way.”

  He leaned back in his chair. “If you find that this is true, please, please tell me. Help a guy out.”

  Somehow, she didn’t think he would qualify. He wasn’t Jake’s type, and as she thought of this, her stomach twisted. There was a word for women who did what she had done for money. Then she laughed to herself. Jake hadn’t actually paid her a dime. She’d called her bank in the salon bathroom earlier in the day, and her account was as empty as ever.

  “Well, if you ever do find a way to get out from under the debt, you have lots of options. About halfway through my second year, I considered bagging it all and getting a master’s in Clinical Psych instead.”

  “Interesting. You know, I’ve considered that same thing,” Jess said, nodding. “So, if you lean toward Psych, how did you end up in Emergency Medicine?

  “I love the pace, and I love how it allows me to help people when they are in their most desperate moments. I’m good at staying calm and at helping my patients stay calm.” He shrugged. “Most days, I love it. Some days, I don’t. But I guess sometimes in life you have to just choose a path and hold it.”

  “You sound like my father.”

  “It’s true, though.” His lips went flat, as though he were considering saying something else. Then he spoke quickly. “There is one thing I find as a doctor, which might be worth sharing… But do forgive me. My father is a minister, so this might come off as overly sentimental or, well, even as sacrilege, but it’s what got me through my last year of school. And my residency, as well.” His voice grew very quiet, and Jess had to lean in to hear. “I have always had this sense that, when we come to one another, in love and in healing, that we are being the body and the hands of God. I’ve always had this sense that God comes to us through one another, and practicing medicine gives me a way to truly serve and minister to people of the world who are hurting and who need help. When I think about it in those terms, I can’t think of a better profession…at the end of the day.”

  Jess nodded and stayed quiet.

  Evan went on, “But even still, like I said, I fall in and out of love with being a physician all the time. But I keep showing up and doing my job anyway.” He laughed through his nose. “Some days are terrible. Some days, I can hardly sleep at night, even though I’m beyond exhausted, and, of course, there’s little time for love.”

  Jess averted her eyes and found herself wondering what it would be like to make love to him. This Evan Everhart, the meek, mild-mannered doctor with the beard and the glasses. He would probably ask her for permission before he kissed her. Before he touched her. Her mind lurched, then, to Jake. The rough skin of his fingertips, skimming along her back. The wild, unbridled way they’d made love on the banks of the river just after she had nearly died. An image of Jake’s muscular thighs flashed through her mind; the solid wall of his chest.

  Her breath sucked in.

  “Are you all right?” Evan asked.

  “I’m just fine.” Jess smiled. “Go on. Please.” She waved her hand at him, and she settled back in her chair.

  ***

  Jake

  Elizabeth’s hand encircled Jake’s wrist. Her touch was warm. There was soft jazz music playing, and a taste of copper in his mouth. How long had he been asleep?

  His voice came out as a croak. “Where is… where is my phone?” And then he closed his eyes again, and he found later that it was in his hand. His head. Pounding. Heavy. What fresh hell had made its way into that IV?

  Elizabeth’s voice was lilting and warbly. “How are you feeling?”

  He grunted and the soft tone came again, as through waves. “The more you can communicate with us, Jake, the better our results will be. The better chance we’ll have of helping you.”

  He nodded and swallowed and felt, suddenly as though there would be no helping him. How he missed her. God he misse
d her. He felt it everywhere. His stomach, his arms and legs, twitchy and restless. He looked at the date on his phone. He was nearly finished with this treatment, and then, maybe, he could see her.

  Could he do this to her? Could he bind her to all of this? No, she didn’t have to know about any of it. This would all be over by tomorrow and they could carry on as before. At least for a little while.

  He didn’t trust himself to speak to Jess just then, but he could send her a text message, though it took some time for him to punch at the letters.

  “Miss you. Need you.”

  No return text for a moment. For a long while. He may have drifted off. Then,

  “Sorry Jake. Jess left her phone behind… again! It’s Monica.”

  He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He didn’t want to engage with Jess’s sister. He let the phone lie still. He would text another time.

  But the phone vibrated again. “So what’s your big secret, Jake? You should tell her.”

  What was this? “No secret.” His fingers trembled to punch the letters. He had to click the backspace again and again.

  “She deserves to know.”

  He swallowed hard. “Where is Jess?”

  “On a date.”

  Another text buzzed through. It tingled his entire hand, and one of the machines began to beep.

  “On a date with a doctor.”

  And then another: “Tell her what you’re hiding from her or she’ll never come back to you.”

  And another: “She’s very smart and very suspicious.”

  Jake took a deep breath and retrieved the information Margot had sent to his email. He knew he’d be drifting off again soon, and he had to get the information sent. “No secret. Tell Jess ticket is waiting for her tomorrow. 10 am. Flight 1300. American Airlines.” Then: “Elizabeth will meet her at baggage claim. Tell her to bring it ALL. She’ll be staying awhile.”

  That’s when the vibrations ended.

  ***

  Jess

  Jess’s dinner with Evan improved enormously once a glass of wine had loosened up the poor guy. Evan told Jess many things. It was as though he hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to anyone for many, many weeks. His tone was soft, like his hands, which were freckled. His skin looked well taken care of and moisturized. Not grizzly like Jake’s. He probably smelled good, too, like talcum powder. Not like pepper and sex.