F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  Before taking a risk and putting yourself on the line to commit to that charismatic person, find out all you can about past and current relationships. Instead of just paying attention to his enthusiasm and generosity when love is new, ask yourself whether his attachments last after things get unpleasant and annoying, i.e., after an episode of food poisoning or Thanksgiving dinner with your alcoholic grandfather. Get to know his values and observe how much he depends on his charisma to feel good.

  Charisma can also disguise the usual high-risk personality traits that make lasting relationships difficult. If someone with a great, relaxed public persona turns out to have a bad temper and little trust in private, don’t assume that your love and attention will restore the personal warmth that always seemed to dominate her personality before you got close.

  While bursts of anger and mistrust may be rooted in misunderstanding or temporary depression and may resolve with patience and understanding, don’t let wishful thinking cloud your judgment as you get to know someone and learn about what happened to their prior relationships. Charismatic people often have more control over how they present themselves; prepare to take more time, effort, and detective work to know who they really are by observing their deeds, rather than responding to their charm.

  Charisma may grab your interest and make someone seem like a safe bet, but as with any deal that seems too good to be true, it probably is. The more charisma attracts you, the more carefully you should examine that person’s character and his ability to stand by values of partnership and faithfulness, even when he’s tempted by offers of admiration, money, and sex that his charisma can snag for him as easily as it hooked you.

  Quiz: Charm Questions—Caught by Charisma

  1. If the most popular kid in your class or guy in your office or gentleman on your floor of the assisted-living facility sidled up to you and asked you out on a date, you would:

  A: Say yes before the offer is withdrawn or he even finishes asking the question.

  B: Say no with conviction, to make it clear you haven’t forgotten the years of rejection and indifference you’ve been subjected to by him and all of his kind.

  C: Buy time by chatting about what he thinks would be fun to do on this hypothetical date while you try to figure out how full of shit he might be and what’s really going on.

  2. If you spot your favorite professional hockey player at the supermarket, ask him for a selfie, and he starts to get chummy afterward, your instinct would be to:

  A: Gush about how you are a big fan and loved when he punched that guy from his rival team so hard he got concussed.

  B: Let him know you’re a fan, not a whore, and you appreciate his time but your Lean Cuisines are melting and it’s time to go.

  C: Take his number but avoid using it until after Google assures you that he’s not married, a moron, or out on bail for using his punching abilities on his last girlfriend.

  3. If the young upstart candidate running for Congress crosses the street to shake your hand, smile at you, and ask for your vote, your reaction would be to:

  A: Try to impress her with jokes, maybe get a big hug, and blush as she puts one of her campaign pins on your coat.

  B: Run the other way while yelling, “Leave me alone! I’m . . . an anarchist! Fuck the system!”

  C: Smile, tell her you’ll think about it and appreciate her attention, and wish her luck.

  4. You hated high school with the passionate intensity of a suicide bomber, but if the coolest kid from your class—the one everyone wanted and who didn’t know you existed—called you as an alumni rep to raise money for your alma mater, you would:

  A: Tell him you’d be honored to give and happily follow his lead into a conversation filled with loving nostalgia for a place you neither loved nor feel nostalgic for.

  B: Let him know if he’d actually known you, he would know that you hated school and would never have bothered calling in the first place, so it’s time to move on to the next sucker on the list.

  C: If the gift would help outsider students like you to enjoy the school more, give a prudent amount, but otherwise, politely decline.

  5. If your glamorous mother-in-law takes you and your husband out for a fancy dinner where she pitches you both on investing another $1,000 in her business, you tell her:

  A: That you’d be happy to help, expecting your generosity will strengthen your relationship with this impossibly chic woman and give you entrée into her exciting world.

  B: That she’s forgetting all the money she already owes you and your husband, which she could have paid off if she’d spent less money on impressing and charming people with pointy shoes and fancy meals.

  C: That you’d love to help, but you’d need to see a loose budget from her first, just to see if the money would be used wisely, then take a look at your own household budget to see what you can afford.

  6. When your spouse gets through her contrite explanation for why she has been so busy with social engagements that you haven’t had a chance to talk in a week, you respond:

  A: That you totally understand and are just proud to be associated with someone who’s so admired, well connected, and hardworking.

  B: Flatly tell her that it’s fine while mentally plotting how you’re going to find a private detective to tail your spouse after you stay up scouring her cell-phone records.

  C: That you both need to sit down and determine the amount of time together that you believe the relationship needs and see whether agreement is possible.

  If you answered mostly A’s . . .

  You need to take time to develop your bullshit meter because right now you’re far too easily swept away by the often-false flattery, meaning, and devotion that charismatic people are so good at delivering. You don’t want to let facts spoil the warm fuzzies, but you need to learn how to pursue them if you want to protect yourself from exploitation, doom, and other bullshit you don’t even want to imagine.

  If you answered mostly B’s . . .

  Then you have a charisma allergy; if you so much as breathe in a particle of the stuff, it hits hard, stirring up uncomfortable fear and envy, feeling like a personal attack that will end in your deception and humiliation unless you strike back. Unfortunately, you may be attacking a nice, honest person who can’t help being charismatic but is otherwise worth getting to know, so build up a little resistance so you can encounter charisma without immediate negative side effects.

  If you answered mostly C’s . . .

  You’re at peace with the charismatics you encounter in your life, able to enjoy the pleasure of their enchanting company and tolerate its uncertainties without forgetting yourself or the life lessons you’ve learned about character and lasting relationships. As long as you keep going slow, ignore the rush, and pay attention to what’s actually happening when things are not so much fun, you’ll be able to peacefully coexist with charming types without being too charmed yourself.

  Where’s Your Partner on the Charisma Scale?

  We wouldn’t be with our partners if we didn’t find something attractive in their personalities, but while some spouses’ appeal is due to a subtle, earnest nature, others are so enchanting that their magnetism isn’t just undeniable, it’s dangerous. Your average spouse can find a way to talk you into doing something you dislike by working out a compromise, but a not-charming partner can be so genuinely obnoxious that he works your last nerve, and a too-smooth spouse is actually working you all the time like a mark. Here are a few common relationship scenarios that highlight the risks and the benefits of having a partner who’s either as charismatic as a paper clip, has average appeal, or could charm the pants off a statue.

  * * *

  Charisma Impaired

  Charisma Capable

  Charisma Corrupted

  Keeps mentioning that somebody needs to do the dishes, observing how dirty the dishes are, recalling that he had such a lovely dream about pristine mugs and plates and an empty sink, and is generally as convincing and
passive-aggressive as a sweaty used-car salesman.

  Gives you a dirty look every time you pass the kitchen without going in, but after so many arguments, finds the money to buy you a dishwasher that’s so tech’d out and fancy it makes you want to wash dishes that are clean just so you can play with your new kitchen toy.

  If attempts to flirt you into dish-doing have failed, he plans more dinners with old frat buddies, guys from the club, and women he insists are clients, so you wind up begging to cook for him and do dishes since you feel as if he were doing you a favor just by eating with you at home.

  Goes hog wild on Sephora’s website and successfully hides the cosmetic arsenal until the credit-card bill arrives, at which point she terrifies you with projectile lip gloss and elbow cream until you agree she can keep everything.

  Overdoes Sephora but agrees to cut back in other ways and return that sparkly lip stuff that looks ridiculous anyway . . . if you put away the refund so you can eventually make good on your promise to buy yourself a suit that fits.

  Makes you forget how much cash she burned through by putting on a face so fabulous that she makes you feel as if you were on the arm of a movie star, even if you’re going to the nearby Panera Bread instead of the Golden Globes.

  Flirts and texts clumsily with someone he met at a bar, then, after you find out when he forgets his phone at home, he becomes too afraid to come home and face you, and you start to wonder if you care.

  Gives a sloppy, cringe-worthy drunk performance at your office Christmas party that causes many not-merry fights, but starts the New Year with a determination to get sober that restores your faith, at least temporarily.

  You find a strange text on his phone, but he insists it’s the crazy lady at work who’s always flirting with him but he only has eyes for you, because you’re so gorgeous and make up his whole world (cue intense eye contact, drop phone).

  Having Charisma

  To the uncharismatic—those who were never brushed with the pixie dust of charm and have to rely on luck, extra hard work, and the ability to beat back nagging self-doubt to achieve any kind of success—having charisma can seem like the ultimate advantage. A charismatic person appears to have access to a better, luckier kind of luck than the rest of us. Unfortunately, as we’ve seen with too many lottery winners, freak survivors of catastrophes, and celebrity spawn, too much luck can be a bad thing, and too much of this kind of luck can also ruin your life if you don’t understand its costs and risks and manage them carefully.

  Here are three examples:

  • My buddies envy me because girls always want to be with me. It should be good for my ego, but I don’t feel comfortable just using girls for sex and have trouble saying no because I hate to make anyone feel rejected. So after we have a date or two, they wind up getting really invested, and since I rarely am, I wind up having to let them down after they’ve started to care. I feel terribly guilty and worn-out by the whole process, but I’m not sure what the alternative is—whether it’s up-front or after a few dates, I’m going to end up making these girls feel like shit. My goal is to figure out a way to turn off my charisma so I don’t have to reject girls all the time.

  • I’ve always felt lucky to be someone who’s good at making friends and getting along with people in general. I’m even friends with all of my exes, since they’re all nice guys worth keeping in my life. Now, however, I find myself fascinated with a guy who’s really smart with a wicked sense of humor, but also prickly and a bit of a loner. I thought I’d have an easy time getting past his defenses, but the closer we get, the more I get to see his irritable, nasty side. My goal is to figure out how to help this guy, whom I really like, to become more relaxed with people in general and me in particular.

  • I love dating and am blessed with the mysterious ability to attract whatever guys I want. But then, after a couple months, what starts out as genuine interest always seems to fade on my side, but not on theirs. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love the initial attention, but it’s not like I’m desperate for it and willing to get it from anyone; I’m pretty choosy in terms of only getting into relationships with guys I really like who meet my high standards. My goal is to understand why I get bored with really great guys.

  Having charisma is like belonging to an elite club with many privileges and benefits; it’s the Amex Black Card of personality traits, giving one boundless access to everything from business contacts to dates to private jets (why not?). Whether it’s your charm or your credit that’s unlimited, however, there’s always a danger of forgetting what all that privilege and access will end up costing you in the end.

  Charisma often misleads people into thinking that they have more control over relationships than they do, distracts them from examining character factors that determine whether a relationship is safe or dangerous, and burdens them with an unreasonable sense of responsibility for the feelings of others. So if you don’t keep those risks in mind, you may end up going into emotional debt.

  When charisma makes you lucky at romance, and you’re lucky enough to have the good character to recognize and respect your gift, it’s hard not to feel guilty. After all, you’re receiving attention that others must work much harder to achieve and which you don’t deserve for any reason other than that you’re charmed and charming. Unless you’re in love with your charisma, you may well feel an obligation to offer something in return for this attention, such as not disappointing all those people who are unlucky enough to be drawn to your gift/curse.

  Unfortunately, making yourself available to admirers can’t create a real, lasting relationship and will make their disappointment worse when you stop answering their calls or acting like a real friend. Feeling guilty can cause harm and make you feel guiltier.

  Instead of making yourself responsible for meeting their needs, remember that your goal isn’t to give every charmed party a chance, but to find a lasting relationship despite the often-confusing and time-consuming overresponsiveness of possible candidates, and to do so while causing as little harm as possible. So, without being rude or obnoxious, learn to turn off your charm, turn down the smile, and stick to topics that are neutral and a little boring, at least until you decide whether you like someone. Don’t stop trying to get to know prospective dates, but don’t be afraid to use clichés and make a dull first impression. That way, when you seem to express interest, it will be because your interest is real and you’re ready for a real response.

  People who have the charisma to build close friendships with little effort often find it hard to understand loners and others who find friendship difficult. Charismatics come to feel that there isn’t a person in the world whom they can’t turn into a friend if they want to, so socially inhibited people and grumps become a thrilling challenge.

  Unfortunately, while it’s easy for a charismatic person to warm up the shy and awkward, no one can make relationships turn out well with an Asshole, and the effort to create a positive relationship with such a person is bound to end badly. That’s because Assholes can’t stop themselves from turning on their friends, and they make no exception for warm, friendly people with charisma. On the contrary, the warmer the relationship at the beginning, the hotter the explosion when it disappoints.

  So don’t assume that charisma and a gift for friendship can overcome all obstacles and are under your complete control. Your goal isn’t to make friends with all those who interest you, but to instead take the same self-protective precautions as are necessary for everyone else. If you tried to tame a beast, give yourself credit for courage and altruism, but if the beast turns out to be too feral, return it to the cave where you found it, give yourself credit for learning an important, if painful, lesson, and warn your fellow hikers to give it a wide berth.

  If you’re truly particular when it comes to partners, having charisma creates additional problems because now you’re dealing with a second uncontrollable factor, which is pickiness. Truly picky people don’t just have high standards, they are
rarely comfortable with friends who aren’t a particularly good match. Charisma and a genuine interest in getting to know people may propel you into many relationships that initially gather speed, but then pickiness may kill the engine and leave your relationship in a ditch.

  Yes, it’s possible you’re afraid of commitment or are too much in love with flirting to move on to the stress of everyday partnership. In those cases, talking over your issues with a therapist may make a difference. What’s also possible, however, is that your gift for dating is combined with an innate selectiveness that can’t easily be overridden.

  Just because you’re great with relationships, find dating a breeze, and go out with genuinely nice, interesting people doesn’t mean that you can talk yourself out of pickiness. So, instead of letting hot dates turn into serial disappointments, develop other ways of socializing and amusing yourself while getting to know prospective dates more gradually. Don’t cross the dating line until you think someone may actually meet your picky standards. Then, even if things don’t work out, you’ll know you avoided causing unnecessary pain.

  Yes, having charisma confers luck and gives you choices you might not otherwise have. It does not, however, give you control over the qualities that make a relationship last, and it often makes things look good when they aren’t. Charisma can make it easy to pair off with anyone, but it’s up to you to figure out what you need from someone and learn to say no to everyone else.