F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  Classic Lack-of-Charisma Remedies for Those Seeking Women

  Things you can do if you can’t woo ladies with natural charm:

  • Learn to play a stringed instrument, such as a guitar or a bass. Avoid instruments you can’t lift (harp) or play without sweating profusely (drums) or simply hold without looking like a moron (tuba).

  • Don’t ever leave the house in sweatpants, pajamas, shower shoes, or any clothes that strengthen the impression you’ve just awoken from a coma.

  • Consult the necessary sources—hip publications, an ex you’re still friendly with, your gayest gay friend—to get a decent, maintenance-minimal, cost-more-than-$10 haircut.

  • If you know you can handle it, adopt a dog. Not only will it attract the opposite sex, it will weed out unworthy mates who can’t handle hair, drool, or crypt breath.

  • At the very least, don’t publicly scratch, clip, pluck, pick, or drain almost any part of your body, certainly not those parts normally covered by clothing.

  Marriage and Charisma

  Charisma may always be attractive to some people, and some people may always be charismatic, but nobody always lies within the Venn diagram between the two; no one’s guaranteed to be held in the thrall of one person’s charisma forever. That’s why, if charm is the main force driving your marriage, sooner or later you’re in trouble. Charisma doesn’t have to screw up a marriage, but it comes with unique baggage, and it’s your job to know what trouble to look for and what to screen out.

  Here are three examples:

  • Before I met my wife, when we were in medical school, it was no secret that she was the most fascinating person on campus. Professors treated her like an equal and were eager to mentor her for valuable internships, and everyone wanted to be her friend. So when she found me interesting, I couldn’t believe it. My problem is that, even though we’ve been married ten years, she still hungers for admirers. She loves me and our children and is a good, hardworking person, but she can’t leave a room until everyone has been charmed, and it often means that our family comes last. Sometimes I think she gets flirtatious and it goes too far. My goal is to get her to draw the line before she has an affair and blows our partnership apart.

  • I don’t mind that my wife is shy and not terribly sociable; I’ve always been a big socializer and popular, and I guess opposites attract. My schmoozing skills have taken me far in my profession, but now I’ve reached the stage in my career where it helps if she comes with me to these parties to show that I’m grounded, and she just hates it. She says it’s all phony and a waste of time. My goal is to figure out how to put her at ease so she can do the social scene and I can succeed at the next stage of my career.

  • My father is one of the most interesting people I ever met—everyone finds him fascinating—but by the time I was ten, I realized he was a con man. He didn’t mean to hurt people, but he considered it part of his job to raise money for projects and investments, and when they didn’t work out, he’d just disappear. He’d either move the family or, after my mother divorced him, he’d reappear after the heat blew over. I am angry at him and can’t trust him, but I also love him, and now I just wish he could get help. My goal is to convince him to get help or, at least, to forgive him for all the harm he did our family and a lot of other people as well.

  A common fear among the mostly young and commitment-adverse is that, after many years of marriage, they will get bored with whomever they’ve saddled themselves. They will fall out of love and end up finding someone new, then finding a lawyer, then finding themselves single and living in their car, giving their ex every cent they make. They will be doomed to die alone (see the sidebar on p. 22).

  A charismatic partner seems like the solution to that problem; if you can find someone who’s inherently fascinating, the excitement will never end. What you don’t realize, however, is that the fascination begins to fail when someone doesn’t keep his promises, clean up after himself, or generally hold up his end of the marriage bargain. In addition, the spark that compulsive fascinators rely on to attract others either starts a fire or flames out; it seems as if the spark will burn forever, but once he has you fired up, he has to keep finding something new to ignite.

  Charisma can be as addictive to those who have it as it is to those who are attracted to it, becoming so essential to achieving one’s ambitions that it becomes okay to subvert the values of honesty, fidelity, and hard work. Understanding its influence and possible long-term problems can help you avoid those issues or, if you didn’t see them coming, help you to respond with less blame and more effectiveness.

  If your fascinating partner is a compulsive fascinator, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she loves you less or is less committed to your family. It may just mean that, like JFK, FDR, or W“B”JC (husband of HRM HRC), she gets such a charge out of winning people over that she can’t stop herself from taking that extra step and sometimes sexualizing her connections. That her sparkage often advances her career, however, and indirectly benefits your life together makes it even harder for her to stop, and you can’t help feeling hurt. Remember, however, that your partnership may still provide commitment, economic security, and good parenting, and breaking it up may be worse than keeping it together. HRC is no fool, even if she chose to suffer one.

  Before deciding what to do, measure the depth of your partner’s other attachments compared to hers with you. Focus on actions, not words, as you examine her response to your and the children’s needs and her ability to make a positive difference in your life. Look at time invested, money spent, and difficulties endured. You may decide that infidelity of any kind, even if it’s not physical, is unacceptable. But you may discover that her other love is merely an addiction to the buzz of reflected charisma and, for all the damage done, is an insignificant distraction that presents little threat to the specialness of your partnership.

  If, before deciding whether to move on, you wish to test the ability of a charismatic partner to limit seductive behavior, approach the problem as you would any addiction. Spell out the behavior that you find unacceptable, and urge her to regard it as destructive to her goals and values. Don’t ask her to change for your sake; ask whether she thinks she needs to change for herself. Then observe the actions she takes and whether, like attending 12-step meetings, they reflect a new and continued commitment to sexual abstinence with anyone but you.

  If you’re the one with charisma to burn and your partner is relatively antisocial, it’s natural to want to share your good times with your partner and to resent her inability to appreciate or support your social accomplishments. You may well feel closer, at times, to those who are more like yourself and have more respect for your public persona.

  Remember, however, that charisma may often distract you from important, unglamorous priorities, such as caring for kids and doing your share of domestic dirty work, and that your partner’s perspective may help balance your life, even as it deflates your ego and kills your party buzz. Instead of valuing your partnership by how well it contributes to social success, list your other priorities and imagine yourself single.

  Create a job/spouse description that covers your most important obligations as well as the things you enjoy doing. Then determine your partner’s contributions and ask yourself whether she does jobs that you don’t like doing and allows you to do what you’re good at.

  Yes, you need a partner who accepts your charisma-driven socializing, but you may also benefit from her efforts to limit your social activities, pull you away, and engage you in other obligations. Don’t overreact to her criticism and disrespect until you first look at her overall influence on the life you want to lead.

  Perhaps the worst-case scenario, when you love a charismatic person, is to discover he’s a coldhearted manipulator whose need to attract and influence people far exceeds his honesty or ability to keep a commitment. He feels good only when he’s charming people (which he can do without effort) and can’t stand it when he’s not. He
compulsively feeds you what you want to hear and can’t tell the truth if he knows it will upset you or even when it doesn’t matter, because it’s a habit he can’t break.

  Like the compulsive seducer, the con man is addicted to his own charisma, but unlike a decent person who sometimes goes too far, the harm he causes doesn’t bother him as much as being found out and criticized does, which makes him want to fool you even more to further protect his bullshit from being exposed. Although few people can cause you as much harm as a con man, it’s not personal. He will say—and truly believe—that he let you down because you don’t believe in him or because unavoidable circumstances prevented him from keeping his promises. That’s what makes him, technically, an Asshole who can’t be helped by shrinks or anyone else. In his mind, his problems are always someone else’s fault.

  People who love a con man will often rationalize that he just needs professional help and lament that he won’t accept it. In truth, professional help has nothing to offer him. A shrink can help his victims and relatives, however, by reminding them that the damage they experience isn’t personal, trying to get through to the Asshole or save him will only make it worse, and protecting themselves is a far more important priority.

  Charisma can generate excitement and success in a marriage or family, but a spark is not a stable thing on which to build a marriage; charisma also bears a special risk of addiction, disloyalty, and deception. What you hope is that your charismatic partner’s character is strong enough to make your relationship worthwhile and, sometimes, to make change possible.

  What you must accept, unfortunately, is that charismatic people sometimes lack the strength for commitment and your relationship will be dangerous and always on the brink of combustion. Understanding the risks and benefits of charisma can help you deal with its influence, guide you toward constructive management, and, hopefully, keep things from blowing up or burning out.

  Did You Know . . . Truth, or Bullshit?

  We examine widely accepted beliefs about relationships to determine whether they’re true (or not so much). The phrase in question:

  “If I don’t find someone, I’ll die alone.”

  If you do not find someone to marry or some fellow olds to split a house and a lanai in Miami with, you will be alone. But that doesn’t mean you should give a shit.

  First of all, it’s important to remember that life is long and death is short, so focusing on the latter over the former is as misguided as paying attention to the quality of the wedding rather than that of the marriage. Sure, it’s hard to grow old by yourself, but unless you’re living on a space station or in a crazy-brains cat hive, you probably have family, friends, or even former coworkers who have your back or could help you find services that offer support.

  So if your search for a partner is motivated by the desperate need for companionship that will be there at the end, you may be forgetting the eons due to pass between your average wedding and average croaking; most people will drive you crazy or ruin your life if you partner up with them, and you’re better off enjoying your time on earth with friends and your own company than marrying some schmuck because he’s the least schmucky schmuck you can find to protect you from oblivion.

  Second, to quote a line from the cult sci-fi series Firefly, “Everyone dies alone” (and fun-time lines such as that might explain why it was canceled so quickly). Whether or not you have a companion by your deathbed, or explode along with everyone else on the bus as it hits the beach by the cliff, or drink the Fresca at the same time as a hundred other Xuxu worshippers, the journey into the next world is always solo. Having a spouse won’t make dying that different, particularly if he goes first.

  There are a lot of good reasons to partner up, but the focus should be on whether partnership improves your life, not your demise.

  VERDICT: TOTAL BULLSHIT

  A strong person learns how to manage charisma, whether she has it or her spouse does, without its affecting her integrity or weakening her relationships. A weaker person, however, runs into problems without realizing that the personal charm that attracts many kinds of good luck has also burdened her with distraction, unusual responsibilities, and intense temptations. Your burden, when confronting charisma in yourself or someone else, is to be carefully selective in spite of feeling extra attracted, understood, and special. Then you’ll know whether you can tame the risks of charisma, bear the temptations it creates, and use it to enrich your life and the life you build with someone else.

  What to Look For

  What to Achieve/What Not to Be Fooled By

  Mutual attraction

  . . . based on feeling you’re interested in each other and reasonably comfortable, and not because you both feel you’re in the presence of the most fascinating person in the world.

  Mutual respect

  . . . because you can understand and appreciate each other’s strengths and accomplishments, not because you appreciate that one of you has the power to woo anyone and the other had the power to join the woo-er in matrimony.

  Shared effort

  . . . doing things together that are annoying, frustrating, and smelly, rather than working together to be the life of every party (and brunch, bris, wake, etc.).

  Common interests

  . . . in hobbies, friends, and child rearing, and not in the joys of winning friends and influencing people.

  Common goals

  . . . such as being good people, maintaining a stable household, and doing your part to put less plastic in the ocean, and not about being the most interesting couple in the world (as a rule of thumb, any goal that’s even loosely affiliated with a beer ad is a bad idea).

  Five Reasons Good People Can’t Find Good Partners

  5. You’re too nice: Again, you’d think being too mean would be more of a problem, but it’s worse if you always feel responsible for whatever goes wrong on a date, or for making sure everyone’s having fun, or for the weather or the universe in general. Then the bad dates, storms, and luck wear you down until you just want to be left alone to screw up in peace.

  4. You’re a woman: That’s right—from haircuts to health care, being a woman is expensive, but your gender is also costing you a decent chance at finding a partner. That’s because there are more marriage-qualified women than marriage-qualified men—a little-known clinical fact, but an obvious fact to any woman who’s had multiple blind dates show up to a nice dinner in flip-flops—so lots of good women are left without a chair to sit on when the proverbial music stops.

  3. You connect too easily or hang on too long: You’d think that being a gifted bonder would help if you’re looking for lasting love, but not if you attach too easily to people you don’t know well or hang on too long to partners who are obvious wastes of time. So you spend too much time talking to, caring for, and dating people who may be nice but aren’t your cup of tea. Then, after the breakup, you’re not just heartbroken, but are too exhausted and burned-out to get out there and search for someone worthwhile.

  2. You’re an oddball: Sure, it’s easier for not-normal people to find each other now that the Internet exists and Comic Con has worldwide prestige, but anyone whose nerd-dom goes deeper than a pair of glasses and a Star Wars T-shirt can tell you that it’s never easy for an oddball living in a normal world. Even if you’re living among your kind in an artsy city such as Portland or Austin, you’re still probably better at collecting small metal figurines than making small talk. Or maybe you’re just a lady or dude of average tastes who lives in a different country, or just around a different culture, where you feel totally out of place and unable to connect with anyone, let alone someone you want to connect with in the biblical sense.

  1. You’re unlucky: On the one hand, bad luck invites more bad luck, so not only do people treat you as if you were contagious and deserving of quarantine, but you’re too down to prove them wrong. When you’re already depressed, broke, or ten pounds over fighting weight, it’s nearly impossible to chitchat, laugh at jokes,
or even look strangers in the eye, so meeting new people isn’t just a struggle, it’s torture. On the other hand, you can be going about your search with a positive attitude and a careful approach, and even then, your luck may be garbage and your dates total duds. Bad luck can strike any of us, no matter who we are or what we’re like, but don’t take it personally or let it push you into settling for an equally bad someone.

  Chapter 2

  F*ck Beauty

  Most of us are taught from an early age not to be superficial and overvalue good looks; we’re told the parable of the ugly duckling, we’re instructed not to judge books by their covers, we’re advised to value inner beauty over the outer kind. Unfortunately, our well-meaning teachers and parents are no match for advertising, entertainment, and our own base instincts, which are constantly making the stronger argument that being good-looking is the key to happiness and success.

  It’s hard to resist the effect that attractive physical attributes have on the way we behave; our brains respond to good and ugly looks in ways that we don’t control. Denying the primal power of beauty can be dangerous. You need to manage these feelings, just as you need to manage the primal urge to murder people who cut in line at the post office.

  So, even if we know that appearances should not play an important role when we look for love, we can’t stop wanting to be perceived as being attractive and to find an attractive mate, often at our own peril.

  The biggest danger is that beauty may draw us to the wrong person, or that ugliness will prevent us from considering, or being considered as, a match for a relationship. This makes the already difficult job of finding a partner even more difficult and has the added bonus of possibly making you hate the way you look or resent anyone who’s better looking. In other words, having an unremarkable (or remarkably ugly) appearance doesn’t just make it hard to find an accepting partner, it can make it nearly impossible to accept yourself, period.