F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  It’s especially hard for an online dater to reach out to an unattractive person, no matter how sensible one’s intentions, given that some apps are based entirely on looks (and the dating candidate’s proximity to a tiger, puppy, or sunset). The result is that everyone, model and civilian alike, doctors photos, believing that it’s better to get lots of responses to a faked photo than none to an honest one, forgetting that a relationship born from bullshit rarely lasts longer than a single cup of coffee.

  Often, we can find possible partners through work, common interests, or a matchmaking friend, and once the power of good talk and compatible personal chemistry takes over, looks become less important. City life often gets in the way of such opportunities, however, by creating singles scenes that do nothing but emphasize the power of attractiveness.

  Understanding and accepting the effect appearance has on others and you is essential if you are to prevent that influence from screwing up your partner search.

  We do not believe that improving your looks will help you find a soul mate, so this chapter doesn’t offer any diet tips, makeover ideas, or do-it-yourself plastic surgery suggestions. Instead, we urge you to manage how you feel about appearances as you search for a good relationship, even if you have to rein in your natural instincts. To paraphrase the old saying about being thin, looking good feels good, but nothing feels as good as being with someone who won’t dump you if you gain ten pounds or wear your sweatpants to bed.

  The Good Things You Want Beauty to Deliver

  • A feeling of confidence that comes from being desired, listened to, and envied by those less genetically gifted than you.

  • A lot of party invitations, job interviews, and random people wanting to give you free meals, shoes, and cruise ship vacations.

  • A date with a good-looking person in a good-looking setting with lots of good-tasting food (that neither of you will eat).

  • A confirmation that, by having a stunner on your arm, you’re special—a winner with a human trophy to prove it.

  • A constant reminder that, no matter how much you hate yourself, you must be doing something right to have bagged such a hot spouse.

  Profile of the Beautiful Ones

  Here is a list of traits associated with someone who’s irresistibly attractive:

  • Physical attributes: This one’s obvious, although being hot also gives one more confidence, which can affect one’s attitude, treatment of others, etc. If she’s bought the hype of good looks, she might be extra polished, with a hair/nail/tan/designer-shoe combination that takes more maintenance and costs more than your house.

  • Common occupations: Aside from the obvious (modeling, personal training, working a makeup counter at Bloomingdale’s), there are also the less obvious but equally looks-based sales positions, such as hostess at a fancy restaurant, a pharmaceutical sales rep, or high-powered anything, from lawyer to surgeon, because an ambitious, smart, good-looking person is so unstoppable that you can only hope she’s using her power for good.

  • What attracts you first: If it’s not the face or the body, it’s being with the kind of person who attracts a crowd drawn to her face and body, or the confidence of that face and body as she handles the crowd.

  • Red flags: You begin to suspect that said face and body have no actual soul behind them or, even worse, that even after you give up on finding a soul (or just a single thing you and this person have in common), you don’t seem to care.

  Seeking Beauty

  Unless you’re infiltrating an enemy military base or a bank vault or a spot between parked cars for toilet purposes and want people to look the other way, looking good has many advantages. Without having a cult leader or a tribal obligation in common, it’s nearly impossible for you to start a relationship if people don’t find you attractive enough to talk to, and it’s hard to feel genuinely interested in chatting up someone who’s ugly. But it’s equally impossible to maintain a relationship with someone whose only positive quality is his looks, or to be yourself in a relationship when looks are the glue that holds you two together. Learn to recognize the vulnerabilities and problems unique to a looks-based relationship so you can either find a fix or a less superficial arrangement.

  Here are three examples:

  • I had to screw up my courage to talk to this beautiful girl I saw at the bar, but I did, and it’s awesome because now we’re going out and all the guys look at her and envy me for being her boyfriend. My problem is that I’m still nervous that I’ll say something dumb and she’ll lose interest, even though she’s nice and seems to like me. My goal is to gain enough confidence so I can be myself with her and figure out whether we have a real relationship and whether it’s going to work.

  • I love my boyfriend—he’s hotter than the sun and works out even harder than I do—but I’m not the only girl who notices how hot he is, so I’m constantly dealing with jealousy, insecurity, and the urge to punch these bitches who I’m sure are trying to steal him from me. He’s not a player, and I don’t want to be the kind of girl who needs to be reassured all the time, but going out with him drives me so crazy sometimes that I think I’m going to end up in jail. My goal is to get rid of the jealousy monster inside and stop worrying that he’s too hot to want to be with just me.

  • I’ve been dating a model, and it’s funny, but she’s more insecure than I am. She’s always worrying about whether her looks are good enough to get her better jobs, and she’s always dieting, and she’s more preoccupied with her appearance than I am, except in a negative way. She’s also constantly telling me how much she likes being with a “normal” (i.e., not model) guy, and how much she envies my normal life, and I don’t get why she chooses to live otherwise. I genuinely like her because she’s funny and smart (but could probably stand to gain a few pounds), but if she even suspects she’s gaining an ounce, she loses her mind. My goal is to figure out how to give her more confidence, so she can enjoy her attractiveness inside and out.

  For those people who are less than secure about their appearance, the yearning for beauty can be constant and unsettling. It always hurts when you’re exposed to the things you want but can’t have—such as when you bike through the perfect neighborhood you can’t afford to live in, or gaze upon a delicious-looking meal you’re deathly allergic to, or fondle beautiful shoes that never come in sizes big enough for your Sasquatch feet—but it’s more painful to be around something you want to be but never will. The closer you get to people who embody beauty, the more distanced you feel from yourself.

  You’d wish that love, psychotherapy, or a stiff drink could give you the confidence to feel comfortable and natural with how you look. That the right eyeliner, surgery, or excruciating undergarment could mold you into the person you want to see. The truth is, however, that sometimes you can’t control beauty or beauty-induced anxiety, and straining to find the necessary confidence can make you feel more helpless and stupid.

  Yes, sometimes Valium or a drink may help (but never at the same time). But if they don’t, remember that your goal isn’t to be confident. Instead, your goal is to accept your uncomfortable anxiety and self-alienation and still try to get to know someone, hoping that a real relationship will eventually give you the confidence you need.

  If, after beginning a relationship with someone beautiful, your anxiety doesn’t get better, you may well feel you’re about to ruin something special. In actuality, however, anxiety doesn’t mean a relationship is flawed or doomed to fail; it’s a normal and potentially helpful response to the reality that all relationships carry risk, that falling in love can cause heartbreak, and that a bad marriage can cause much worse. So instead of fearing that anxiety will ruin things, give yourself credit for courage, go slow, and keep trying to find things you both enjoy doing and talking about.

  Remember, you’re not just trying to make a good impression or even play above your weight, you’re also trying to learn the basics about her character and prevent attractiveness from drawing y
ou into a truly terrifying mistake. As long as you’re willing to endure anxiety while getting to know her better, time will allow you to focus on who she is, not how pretty she is (or how pretty you think you aren’t).

  For some people, the toxic effect of dating a good-looking person includes jealousy; instead of just feeling goofy and outmatched, you’re obsessed, suspicious, angry, and watchful. At just the time you’re trying to talk yourself into feeling more confident, you’re confronted with internal ugliness you can’t stop and certainly can’t be proud of.

  When beauty makes you feel ugly, your goal isn’t to discover your own inner beauty and achieve peace, because, outside of romantic comedies and the godlike powers of RuPaul, that’s usually beyond your control. It’s to try to act reasonably when what you want to do is prod, read his every text/email/Facebook message, and fish for reassurance. Don’t hold yourself responsible for feeling jealous, but do hold yourself responsible for not acting jealous. Yes, keeping it inside is painful, but expressing it is worse and will make things ugly for everyone.

  If you decide a relationship is worth the pain of jealousy, learn to live with it. Distract yourself by keeping busy, and schedule more alone time together when you feel distanced and don’t want to risk the distraction of jealousy. Find positive activities to bring you together, rather than fighting and making up. If you can bear the pain of jealousy without letting it change what you say and do with someone, you’re a strong person who can develop a real relationship, even when good looks and jealous feelings make it hard.

  Another kind of beauty toxicity for the looks-obsessed, regardless of how beautiful you are, is the compulsion to compare yourself to an impossible standard and worry about all the ways you deviate from the ideal. It’s natural, if you’re dating such an aesthetically oriented person, to hope that a supportive relationship will ease her fears and allow her to think happier thoughts and share conversations about other topics. Unfortunately, beauty obsession, like anorexia, is not just a form of compulsive insecurity. If she can’t trust the mirror, she can’t trust logic; no matter how honest and positive you are with your girlfriend, it isn’t going to help.

  Instead, observe how well she can put aside her body obsessions and care about things that are more important, from what movie the two of you are going to see to who’s running for president. If she can’t, move on, no matter how exciting it is to date a model, or how sweet and smart you believe her to truly be. You have no power to change her, and you need to find someone who, beautiful or not, can function well as a partner and not let obsession of any kind eclipse her values and take over her life.

  People will never stop seeking beauty, in themselves and others, and can drive themselves crazy in the search. Remember why you’re dating, however, and stick to your game plan; if you’re just out for arm candy, that’s one thing, but if, like most people who aren’t awful, do have souls, and don’t own yachts, you want a fully balanced meal of partnership, then you need to see the bigger, sometimes less pretty picture.

  Quiz: Pondering Prettiness—Are you too attractive, or pretty in need of a new grooming routine?

  1. If your tire goes flat on the highway during morning rush hour, you would:

  A: Expect that if you get out of your car a guy (or a party Jeep full of them) will soon pull over to offer assistance, try to impress you with feats of strength, propose marriage, etc.

  B: Call AAA and have the tow truck driver accuse you of being a homeless squatter in your own car because you haven’t showered in a few days and you have a front seat full of Wendy’s carnage.

  C: If you can’t change it yourself, call AAA and tell a sob story to the tow truck driver so he’ll drop you off at home and save you the taxi fare.

  2. When you go to weddings and prepare to hit the dance floor, your plan is to:

  A: Stand up at your table and wait a few seconds for some bridesmaids to drag you onto the dance floor into the center of their grind circle until you make a convincing excuse for them to let you take a break (and then covertly take the cutest one to the bathroom to make out).

  B: Stand around by yourself because no one seems to want to dance with you, maybe because of the large wine stain on your suit that you didn’t notice when you put it on, on the bus, because you thought this wedding was next month and planning mistakes were made.

  C: Stand around by yourself until you find a girl you’re pretty sure isn’t married or a relative to ask to dance, and she says yes, but not for long unless you find something to talk about over Cover Me Not-Badd, the loud Color Me Badd cover band.

  3. During those moments when you just need to get laid, your best course of action is to go to a bar with your best wingwomen and:

  A: Struggle to find a guy (of the many that approach you) who isn’t too overeager, too nervous, or too creepy to even share airspace with, let alone naked times.

  B: Curse yourself for forgetting to wear deodorant, then try to find some guy who’s just the right amount of drunk (i.e., who can complete sentences, stand upright, or just retain consciousness).

  C: With your friends’ help and approval, find a guy who seems to be reasonably competent, not a serial killer, and unlikely to mistake your signals for love.

  4. When you’re leading a meeting at work, the best way to keep things efficient and professional is to:

  A: Use PowerPoint, stick carefully to an agenda, and keep the lights low for as long as possible; well-lit free discussion just turns all the guys flirty and gets everything way off track.

  B: Memorize a speech, remember not to be too twitchy or pick at anything, and maybe ask your adorable young assistant to help you since she seems to hold everyone’s attention.

  C: Learn the material inside and out, structure a strong agenda, and pitch a smart proposal that they’d be stupid to refuse.

  5. Upon returning from France, you get busted by customs for accidentally bringing in that cheese you purchased in Normandy but forgot to eat. You deal with the situation by:

  A: Apologizing profusely, begging forgiveness, and quietly thanking Jebus that you got a female inspection officer who is more than willing to give you a pass and buy you a drink.

  B: Get through after some extensive questioning and surviving the humiliating comment that you smell so much like the cheese that you almost got it through.

  C: Smile, show your passport, and expect a short set of questions and the loss of some delicious cheese.

  If you answered mostly A’s . . .

  You enjoy the perks of being good-looking, but then get passive when the enthusiasm of the beauty-struck gets in the way of your doing business; you appreciate all the attention and favor your face gets you, but you resent when people expect something in return. You’re ready to use your good genes/nose/tush to take advantage of others, which is a good way to become a bad person. If you want your character to match your figure, push yourself to rely less on your looks and take less from other people, even if you’re giving them good face.

  If you answered mostly B’s . . .

  Instead of being fixated on looks, you’re oblivious of them; you don’t notice the way physical repulsiveness can drive people away or make them hostile, unavailable, and hard to deal with. Without much effort, you could probably learn how to avoid absolute ugliness and improve your life. You may never be a supermodel, but with a little work, learning how to pay attention to stains, smells, and the importance of a daily shower, you can be noticed more for who you are than how you look as if you slept under a rock.

  If you answered mostly C’s . . .

  You’ve found a way to be attractive, and to appreciate beauty in general, without allowing it to dominate your interactions, interfere with business, or pull you toward unworthy relationship candidates, expensive beauty products, and unsafe surgery. Attractiveness often takes work, and limiting its impact takes more work, so keep up the good job because you seem to be pretty adept at doing both.

  Did You Know . . . Dating Someone Ug
ly on the Outside but Pretty Within Is Just as Dangerous as the Opposite?

  Deep down, we all want to be the kind of person who doesn’t judge a book by its cover; some take these values even further, wishing to be so unsuperficial and genuine that they could fall for people based solely on the quality of their heart, not the cuteness of their face. This is a particularly attractive idea to those who feel guilty about being physically overgifted, tend to take in stray animals that look as if they’ve been through a garbage disposal, and/or wish to prove their superiority over a disgustingly commercial, beauty-obsessed culture.

  In the dream world of teen movies, YA fiction, and the kind of reality shows that make you stupider as you watch them, this looks/personality discrepancy is solved with a new haircut, pair of contacts, or laser-based inpatient surgery that turns ugly into beautiful. But in real life, if you meet people you click with platonically but without any chemical attraction, then nothing—not taking off their glasses or the mole off their cheek—is going to make you attracted to them, and it will end badly.

  For any number of reasons—guilt, desperation, or that sincere wish to see inner beauty win over all external faults—you may be tempted, despite your lack of attraction, to try to make it work physically with someone you like but don’t yearn to touch. But being with people you’re not physically into, no matter how pretty they are inside, is just as stupid as dating someone who’s a gorgeous jerk.

  Unfortunately, sexual chemistry, as fickle and unfair as it can sometimes be, is a key element to building relationships, at least at first. As time goes by and a shared relationship becomes a shared life, that chemistry can become less important; but starting from a place of low or no chemistry is basically beginning with a death spiral.