F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  C: Ask a bunch of questions, make enough eye contact to seem friendly and not like I’m recruiting for a cult, and maybe subtly fish for opinions on specific, important things, because if she virulently hates her parents as much as she loves Ayn Rand, I know I need to make a polite escape.

  2. You think the clearest signal that someone’s returning your interest is:

  A: He and I find each other from across a crowded room and instantly get lost in each other’s eyes, thoughts, and hearts, immediately opening up to each other about our hopes, dreams, and secrets, knowing instinctually that we were made for each other and that our wedding colors will be blush, dove, and unicorn blood.

  B: He doesn’t get that face that looks as if someone farted, or he likes my joke about Everybody Loves Raymond, or he sticks around long enough that I know that, when he says he has to go to the bathroom, he probably actually has to pee.

  C: We lose track of time having a conversation that’s actually interesting, not just flirty and giggly, and also revealing of his character, which, blessedly, seems balanced, not too wimpy, and solid overall. Then he asks for my contact information or generally lays the groundwork for our seeing each other again without being a total slimeball.

  3. If you could describe the kind of person you spark with most easily, it would be:

  A: Somebody whose favorite movie is (X), favorite book is (Y), shoes are made by (Z) and are a size (W), favorite bachelor ever (from The Bachelor) is (V), and blood type is (N)-. Maybe (N)+, but that’s pushing it.

  B: Someone who looks like she likes me, which is to say, she isn’t afraid to stand less than two feet away from me and doesn’t seem to be searching for excuses to walk away.

  C: I can spark with lots of different girls that I think are good-looking or funny or whatever, but I try to only pursue connections with those who have more going on than a nice face, outgoing personality, or jeans that fit.

  4. The flirtation is killed when your object of flirtation . . .

  A: Doesn’t understand why it’s so important to me that he also loves diet cherry Dr Pepper or judges me when I’m just trying to be open and honest with him about my feelings and my remorse over accidentally running over an old person with my car.

  B: Waits until the end of the evening to introduce me to her boyfriend or her girlfriend, or if she casually asks me if I’m on the autism spectrum.

  C: Gives me a good reason to believe he’s unstable, unreliable, unintelligent, or only into me because he likes something about my body, or just wants attention from anyone, or is a dreaded creepazoid/nut job.

  5. You’d describe the minimum level of sparkage to stay interested as:

  A: Shares all of my interests, but maybe less intensely. But makes up for it by hating the same things I do, but more intensely. But is into me most intensely (but maybe not as intensely as I’m into him).

  B: Acts friendly even after the first meeting (or is at least willing to acknowledge that we’ve met before).

  C: If she’s fairly good-looking, not too boring, smart enough, vaguely thoughtful, not scary . . . I’ll agree to coffee maybe, or at least exchange a few texts.

  6. Once you hit it off with someone, the next step is to . . .

  A: Make sure we are so perfectly aligned that we can get married, start our life together, and enjoy a life of complete sharing (feelings, bank accounts, organs, etc.).

  B: Daydream about him constantly, find him on Facebook, and endlessly write and rewrite him the perfect text or G-chat that usually ends up being something like “Hi.”

  C: Text or email with her, then arrange a meetup that’s low pressure and potentially fun.

  7. For you to pursue a connection, the initial spark has to . . .

  A: Be honest, absolute, and totally committed to the values of intimacy and sharing (specifically, valuing, being intimate with, and sharing time with me).

  B: Exist in my own mind.

  C: Convince me there’s potentially something there.

  If you answered mostly A’s . . .

  You are looking for a chemistry so powerful and sharing so complete that you would save a lot of time by just looking in a mirror, and since you’ll likely be alone a lot, you’ll have plenty of time to check yourself out. Maybe it’s time to consider people who don’t immediately knock your socks off or know exactly what kind of socks you like.

  If you answered mostly B’s . . .

  You need to raise your standards, rally your courage, and learn how to be discriminating, even when you’re very, very anxious to please. If you fall for every girl who talks to you or every guy who gives you a second look, you end up with lots of empty crushes, painful friendship, and few connections.

  If you answered mostly C’s . . .

  Your approach is a healthy slow-and-steady, even if your results are largely dependent on the frequency of your search, your ability to keep your head up, and the quality of your search pool, because certain places—those with lots of people working in finance or near a university with a nationally televised football program—can be creep city.

  Beware the Permaflirt: How Not to Fall for Someone Who Flirts with Everyone

  Like walking in heels, spitting tobacco, and borrowing slang from a different age or ethnic demographic, flirting is a skill that is difficult to master, despite the number of people who do it so effortlessly that it seems like second nature.

  For most of us, the goal is to get good enough at flirting that you can talk to someone you’re interested in, in a way that makes your interest clear and entices them to reciprocate. Sometimes while standing in stilettos, spitting chaw into an empty beer can, or saying “Knawmean?” as if it were just something that middle-aged white men do.

  Yet some people flirt so masterfully, so intently, that one pout directed at a sofa could convince it to move itself upstairs. They are excellent at knowing when to lock eyes, when to laugh, and when to accidentally/not-so-accidentally touch their target’s arm. They have these skills, however, because they’ll flirt with anyone and anything, including a sofa, even a sofa they don’t like.

  For them, flirting is second nature; they aren’t even doing it on purpose, which means they often unwittingly flirt with people they aren’t even interested in. These are the permaflirts, and if you’re one of their objects of impersonal flirtation, it can feel like a mindflirtfuck.

  The permaflirt’s behavior has many possible motivations: a deep-seated insecurity that drives them to woo everyone and anyone so as to boost their flagging confidence; a sociopathic desire to manipulate people for personal gain; or a genuine high from the thrill of connecting with someone, even if they lose interest the second the connection is established. No matter what the cause, the outcome for the duped object of their flirtation is always some mixture of confusion, disappointment, and anger, a.k.a. heartbreak.

  The socially awkward or flirting-impaired are usually the most vulnerable to their charms, but permaflirts are so blindly persistent that nobody is safe. Most people don’t realize the person they’re interested in is a permaflirt until it’s too late, i.e., until they’ve interacted enough to feel mired in mixed messages and relationship riddles. Who likes to laugh and cuddle but not kiss or return your calls? Who is always happy to see you and to have intense conversations but makes no effort to make these meetings happen? Who spends three days doing nothing but talking and being naked with someone just to fall off the face of the earth right afterward? Hint: it’s not the sphinx.

  Being duped by a permaflirt is painful, but when someone who makes eyes at lampposts isn’t really interested in you, take comfort in that the rejection isn’t personal. The permaflirt teaches us that, for some people, chemistry isn’t always a means to an end; some people flirt well—and flirt in a seemingly earnest manner—for flirting’s sake. For your own sake, it’s best to take all flirting with a grain of salt until you get to know someone for the permaperson he or she is.

  Having Chemistry

  Chemistry
changes as you spend more time together and start to respond to your less than ideal, unfiltered, occasionally flatulent selves. What you hope is that familiarity improves your comfort with each other, your ability to joke together, and time you spend together without clothes on. What actually happens is that growing comfort allows you to be your sometimes negative, irritable, avoidant self. If it works out and you don’t drive each other crazy, and sometimes even if you do, you enjoy the pleasure of feeling accepted by someone who may not like your negativity, but doesn’t take it personally and can ignore it. Otherwise, you discover that your real, natural chemistry brings out the worst in both of you and, regardless of how attracted you are to each other, is better off being filtered away.

  Here are three examples:

  • My boyfriend and I fell for each other instantly, but I think somehow he fell harder for me than I did for him. Now he’s so totally devoted that it makes me feel suffocated and turns me off. I feel guilty because he is a nice guy and deserves better, but he won’t give me a second to myself or even give me the criticism I deserve. I mean, sometimes I get so fed up that I find myself being mean to him, but even then, he never calls me on it, and it gives me the creeps and makes things even worse. My goal is to find someone who loves me but isn’t blind to my faults.

  • I’m surprised by the amazing physical chemistry I have with my new girlfriend, even though we don’t have that much to say to each other or that much in common (I think). We don’t have long talks or share personal problems, but we sure don’t get tired of seeing each other naked. It makes me wonder whether we’ve discovered the secret of a lasting relationship, given the many people who fall in love and lose interest in sex after a few years. My goal is a relationship that lasts (I’m not that interested in having kids), and I wonder if this is it.

  • I love my boyfriend, but I get scared at how angry I get when he pushes my buttons. Sometimes, when he’s in a bad mood, he says just the right things to make me furious, and then I serve it right back to him. I don’t ever do it but I certainly imagine hitting him, and I know he’s wanted to do the same. I just wish we could get rid of the passionate anger part and just keep the passionate love. My goal is to figure out if we should stay together or whether our anger is going to drive us apart.

  Humans have never been very successful at containing or controlling passionate feelings; think of the people who love certain football teams so much they can’t help but stand in the freezing cold wearing nothing but body paint, or those who love certain doughnuts so much they consume them until their pants (and arteries) burst.

  Why we’d think that strong interpersonal feelings would be easier to control is a mystery. Maturing relationships trigger feelings that are even stronger and harder to suppress than those for college sports. You can’t force yourself to love or not love, lust or not lust, or get angry or forget about it. As Ecclesiastes says, there may be a time for all of these things, but the timing is seldom opportune or under your control.

  If you find yourself underloving someone who deserves better, your guilt will probably make things even more difficult. You’ll try to be kinder, which will make you resentful, and any show of resentment (especially when it’s received without complaint) will make you feel guilty, which will trigger more kindness.

  Sooner or later, you have to ask yourself whether the chemistry is tolerable without making yourself responsible for or guilty about the pain it causes. You must decide whether your feelings make it possible for you to be with someone and behave like a reasonable friend and partner, or whether you owe it to him to break it off, no matter how much hurt it may cause in the short run. If you choose the latter, then it’s time to stop the relationship without blame, self- or otherwise. Respect that you’ve both made a good effort and, for no reason you can see, the chemistry went bad, and you can do nothing to make it right. Breaking up may feel like a failure, but it’s never a failure when it reflects facts that can’t be changed.

  If your chemistry with someone is strongly physical, it’s especially dangerous because then it’s based more on actual chemical interactions (i.e., hormones, endorphins, flavored lube, etc.) than on respect, common interests, and an ability to work well together. Good sexual chemistry is like a drug that talks you into having one more hit; it tries to persuade your brain that, having discovered a new favorite pastime, you can now and forever control your happiness.

  The reality, however, is that it’s hard to spend lots of time with someone you don’t like or respect, no matter how much time you spend getting high off each other. If you haven’t learned this before, you will now. Don’t let wishful thinking interfere with your lesson.

  Remember, even if you don’t have children, a partnership requires a lot of interaction and working together, and sex doesn’t have the power to improve someone’s character or make her great to be with. While it may seem like a case of not being able to have your cake and eat it, too, that’s not actually the applicable problem or cliché, because in relationships, sexual chemistry is the frosting, not the cake. Don’t let lust prevent you from using wisdom and experience to tell you whether a partnership is likely to work.

  Occasionally hating the one you love doesn’t have to break up a relationship, but it’s also not something you can eliminate or avoid, even if you’re a devout believer in the power of communication, therapy, and exorcisms. Yes, some misunderstandings can be cleared up. What you’re left with, however, particularly with people who love each other and work closely together, is episodic hate that’s a part of life.

  If that’s the case, don’t make it worse by trying to eliminate it or blaming yourself or your chosen peacemaker. Instead, ask yourself whether the relationship is worthwhile, rage and all, and whether you have the strength to limit the damage. If it is, become an expert at rage management. Learn how to go to bed angry and without having to have the last word because, despite all advice to the contrary, no fight had while both parties are exhausted is worth having, let alone winning (see the sidebar on p. 106). Develop methods for retreating to a nice quiet hidey-hole when a fight has gone too far. Don’t let pain or rage devalue a relationship that, in your quiet moments, you believe is worth the effort.

  If rage leads to violence, your job is to protect yourself from a relationship that isn’t safe or good for your health. Love, regret, and remorse don’t usually stop drinking or improve self-control, so get out now since waiting just makes it harder to leave and increases the risk that both of you will do something you’ll regret. As long as you can protect yourself and your partner from uncontrolled abuse, take pride in your efforts. Most relationships sometimes require work to tolerate and keep from getting nasty; so as long as you meet those goals, be proud.

  The longer a relationship lasts, the more it develops its own chemistry, which is seldom entirely positive or easy to live with. Do your best to straighten out misunderstandings, but be prepared to accept negative feelings and weaknesses as facts and decide whether the entire package is worthwhile.

  At that point, it’s time to decide what will work best in the long run, knowing that pain, whatever is decided, is unavoidable. It’s simply the price of passionate chemistry, no matter what is the object—athletic, edible, anthropoid—of your intense affection.

  Sparking or Psycho?

  It’s unfortunate that exciting people are so quick to arouse us emotionally, not just because those emotions are often false or empty, but because, in the world of chemistry, exciting people are often like uranium: unstable, highly toxic, and possibly world-ending.

  For reasons that defy common sense, Darwin, and our own self-interest, none are easier to vibe with than the kinds of people you want to avoid the most, e.g., those who are crazy, psychopathic, or just Assholes (see p. 77). Here are some common red flags in flirting that are too often mistaken for checkered.

  * * *

  Sparking

  Psycho

  Why So?

  She’s into you from the moment
you meet and unafraid to let you know (and have sex with you on the bus).

  She will be not into you just as suddenly and be equally unafraid of the legal consequences of castrating you.

  Technically speaking, she’s got borderline personality disorder, which in not-technical terms is “crazy.” Don’t mistake intense excitement for an actual connection.

  She trusts you implicitly, made more remarkable by the way she’s been hurt before.

  As you listen to her share her pain, you will go from being her boyfriend to being her full-time therapist or ER nurse.

  We’re often drawn to those who need rescuing, but it’s better to pick up wounded animals at ASPCA shelters, not bars.

  He makes you laugh, feel sexy, and generally happier than you can remember being.

  He distracts you from realizing you know nothing about him or what he’s capable of.

  Anyone that focused on making you feel good wants something, and it isn’t a stable relationship.

  He’s not afraid to take a stand against injustice and tell you who the real Assholes are.

  He thinks everyone is an Asshole who ever frustrated him, hurt his feelings, or maybe just made eye contact with him, and you know you could be next.

  The intense emotionality of Assholes is attractive, but they can’t have a bad feeling without blaming it on someone, and that someone will eventually be you.

  He’s fiercely protective of you, willing to stand up to and speak against anyone who’s ever hurt you in the past, even if it’s just the guy at the Taco Bell drive-through who only gave you one packet of hot sauce.

  He goes from protective to paranoid, hating the people you hate while insisting that you actually like them more than you like him. Now all that anger is aimed at you, and there’s no one to protect you anymore.