F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  While most Assholes abuse those they consider enemies, others go after the ones they love. If he asks for your number, ask for a restraining order.

  Marriage and Chemistry

  A major goal of marriage, aside from not getting divorced, is creating something new, investing in it, and making something bigger than what you could have on your own (all of which gets torn apart, often fifty-fifty, if you can’t make it work). So, as your marital chemistry changes due to stress from mutual responsibilities and all the things that can and do go wrong, remember that it’s not just your happiness but your investment—emotional, financial, and otherwise—that’s on the line.

  Here are three examples:

  • I don’t think I’m in love with my wife anymore. . . . Yes, I love her, but I don’t know if that’s enough. After ten years of marriage, the spark is gone; we seem more like roommates than lovers, more friendly than passionate. I find myself looking at other women, but I don’t want to hurt her or break up our home. My goal is to get the spark back, one way or the other.

  • I love my wife, as long as she’s not drinking, but when she’s drunk, she’s just not the same person. Sure, we’d go out when we first met—we sort of fell in love during those fun nights, being stupid and young. She’s not drinking for fun now, but at home to get wasted, and she’s doing it a little too often. If I let her know how I feel, she just drinks more and tells me I’m destroying what little confidence she has. I think we’ve got a great marriage, but I’m not sure it can withstand this. My goal is to get her to do something about her drinking.

  • My husband and I are lucky in that we have a loving relationship that is as strong now as when we first met; we have fun together, we’re still attracted to each other, and if we’re out alone, we’re sometimes still mistaken for newlyweds. We were surprised, however, when our younger daughter’s teacher said she thought our daughter was underperforming and maybe needed more attention. I admit, it’s hard to take more time to help her with her homework without taking time away from my husband. My goal is to figure out how to make this happen or whether it’s good advice.

  As hard as it is to find the right someone with the right chemistry, it’s harder still to find a way to keep good chemistry intact during a marriage. That’s because it’s under endless attack by all the major uncontrollable forces in life, such as work, raising a family, and aging. If you’re really lucky, your chemistry will evolve in perfect harmony with your relationship. If you’ve got average luck, you’ll tolerate each other enough to avoid murder or suicide, or at least divorce.

  So, as much as you’d like to have a relationship that grows stronger and happier over the years, you must often accept unavoidable conflicts and weaknesses that impose compromise and require painful decisions.

  If your relationship becomes boring, trying to make it more interesting may do nothing but increase your longing for excitement; you’re trying to turn your marriage back into a courtship, and since courtship is always temporary, your fix will be just as fleeting. You’re wiser to accept the loss of excitement and decide what you want to do with it. Begin by appraising the value of your relationship and what it allows you to do.

  If, for instance, your marriage gives you security, friendship, and help in creating and raising a family, you may well decide that excitement is unimportant and not particularly desirable. What’s important is that you know what, in addition to excitement, matters to you and to make your decision on that basis. Remember, the only way to find true excitement in the same situation every day for several years is to either get a job in the stunt-driver industry or to become a goldfish. The more familiar something becomes, the more boring it gets, and as you age, this applies more and more; this can either feel comforting or depressing and terrifying.

  Beware becoming the clichéd middle-aged/older man who flees his mortality straight into the doors of a hair-plugs clinic and out into the backseat of a sports car where there awaits a much younger woman who somehow makes a living via Craigslist. Assess whether it’s your marriage that’s stagnating or just your courage, and whether it’s worth raging against your mortality instead of being grateful you have a steady partner to age alongside.

  Addiction and other illnesses often change the chemistry of a relationship in ways that appear perfectly controllable. Unfortunately, addictive behaviors are anything but, and you may find it impossible to avoid facing that your once-fun companion now sometimes strikes you as embarrassing, aggressive, or unhelpful, and you find yourself struggling with feelings of loss and resentment.

  Attacking addiction often backfires, though it’s hard not to feel as if you have a right to complain and insist on treatment. After you discover the limits of complaining and insisting, encourage your spouse to weigh the differences that drinking has brought to her life and, if she sees what you see, to stop and seek help if she decides she needs it. But knowing that her wish to feel good, or at least not to feel bad, may be stronger than her desire to do what’s good for her, add up your reasons for staying with her or letting go. Your job is not to blame her for ruining your life, but to accept that she’s an addict and then decide what you (not she) can do about it.

  Whether or not you decide to live with her alcoholism, don’t accept the feeling that it controls you or your fate. Life is hard, compromise is necessary, and you should take pride in whatever compromises you decide to make.

  Even long-lasting marital bliss can cause problems during a family’s lifetime. Good for you if you’re able to sustain a high level of happiness, but happiness is not the only reason that you married, and raising kids often requires periods of sacrifice and unhappiness. In fact, romantic happiness can often distract you from your parenting duties; it’s the Ron and Nancy Reagan model of marital time management.

  You must decide for yourself whether your child’s needs require more of your time and energy. Just because your child has a problem doesn’t mean that you have the answer or that you can’t get good help from other sources; as a parent, you decide what’s necessary. If, however, meeting your child’s needs (according to your own standards) interferes with your extremely lovey-dovey marriage, then you must decide what’s more important. It may not be a happy decision, but you can always be proud of making it in a way that reflects your values.

  Interpersonal chemistry is a powerful force in every marriage. Whether it pushes you to stay or leave, don’t expect it to let up, go away, or respond to your wishes. Instead, accept your feelings without letting them control your decisions.

  Remember to value your marriage for all that it brings to your life and not just the way it makes you feel. If you can learn to accept the new rules and limits that come with life’s changes, your chemistry may just evolve and survive.

  Did You Know . . . Truth, or Bullshit?

  We examine widely accepted beliefs about relationships to determine whether they’re true (or not so much). The phrase in question:

  “We all fall for assholes every once in a while.”

  “Asshole” (capital A) is a clinical term; an Asshole is someone who believes he’s the one honest person in a world gone mad, and it’s his sacred duty to take arms against anyone who blocks his path to righteousness. For many of those people who’ve unwittingly stood in his path, their first stop postwrath is a shrink’s office, which is why Assholes got a whole chapter in our last book.

  Assholes are worth mentioning again here because, despite their name, they are strangely, dangerously attractive. If energy and excitement are the matches and lighter fluid of chemistry, it shouldn’t be surprising that Assholes are alluring, given how passionate they are, and how compelling that passion can be (when it’s not entirely directed toward your destruction).

  The strongly dramatic emotion their personality emits is like an animal musk; it may spell bad, but it also compels attention. Dogs may be powerless not to take a sniff, but as humans, we should know better.

  VERDICT: ALL TOO TRUE

  Ther
e’s no point in having a relationship without chemistry, but there are many valid reasons for avoiding a relationship with chemistry, such as when it’s with a jerk, makes you forget your values, or has no hope for improvement. So your goal isn’t to find good chemistry or find a way to make bad chemistry good; it’s to know the chemistry you attract and generate, beware its weaknesses and dangers, and use it to fashion a good partnership that helps you be a good person with just enough good vibes to keep things intact.

  What to Look For

  What to Achieve/What Not to Be Fooled By

  Mutual attraction

  . . . based on chemistry as well as personality and intelligence, not intense lust, loneliness, mania, hate, or a need to fill the vacuum left by the last loser you wasted three weeks with.

  Mutual respect

  . . . for work ethic and a good heart, not the good/sexy vibes generated between the two of you.

  Shared effort

  . . . when you have tough things to do together and you’re both tired and starting to hate each other, and not when you are getting each other off in exciting new ways (and boring old ones).

  Common interests

  . . . especially when it comes to your morals and vision for your family, not just looking into the bottomless pools of each other’s eyes.

  Common goals

  . . . such as having kids, buying a house, and keeping those kids from getting their fingers pierced, and not riding your mutual buzz to a quick pregnancy that’s meant to be a celebration of your intense love without any thought given to the kid’s future.

  Should I Go on a Date with This Person I’m Interested In?

  Meeting people isn’t hard—just ask people who push skin products at mall kiosks, any woman who’s ever walked past lunching construction workers, or Craig Newmark. The hard part is meeting people you actually want to be around, let alone spend lots of time with, let alone spend naked time with that you won’t regret soon afterward. Because it’s so hard to find quality relationship candidates, people often leap into dating someone without looking too closely (at anything beyond their profile pic). While that’s a quick fix to loneliness, it can be damaging in the long term; dating losers for immediate gratification can leave you jaded, exhausted, and derailed from the focus and time it takes to find someone worthwhile. So, before you pursue a could-be special someone, follow this chart to see whether he or she is worth it or not. If the chart says no, remember that accepting bad news from a book is easier than accepting a bad breakup that could have been avoided.

  Chapter 4

  F*ck Communication

  The ability to talk, share, and understand one another has become one of the cornerstones of modern life; we can now communicate via email, text, tweet, status update, vicious-comment section, and stadium JumboTron. What this surge in communication should teach us, however, is that as valuable as talk can be in any context and via any medium, it can also be just as cheap.

  In the world of relationships, good communication is considered a crucial element to making any union last, but “good” doesn’t necessarily mean plentiful, constant, or even satisfying. It’s important to learn to spot the dark side of close communication in relationships so you can protect yourself from overvaluing deep conversation or allowing it to drive partnership decisions off course.

  It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking that someone who is wonderful to talk to is, indeed, your new best friend and soul mate with whom you have found a unique shared language. Unfortunately, that person may just be a wonderful talker who speaks the universal language of bullshit. It’s also easy to believe good communication can resolve conflicts and save you from ever having to go to bed angry, when, in actuality, the best kind of communication for certain conflicts is silence.

  Like most dark sides, this kind of connection is inviting because it feels good, particularly if you’re lonely, feel misunderstood, or are experiencing the mental pain of being on your own. Plus, it’s supposed to be good for you, since good talk is what therapists (and other help-oriented professionals) are supposed to use as a means of improving your mental health. But even when the professional isn’t exploitative or selfish, communication is not necessarily good for you or the long-term relationship you wish to build.

  Aside from knowing that anything that feels good isn’t necessarily good for you, you should also be able to recognize that this is especially true in the search for relationships; when you’re looking for a partner, feeling good distracts you from doing smart detective work and spotting the red flags that ultimately lead to very bad feelings indeed (and possibly the need to hire a lawyer). So, without denying yourself the pleasures of good communication, don’t forget that you have a job to do and facts to check.

  As a relationship progresses, good communication seems to open the door to deeper intimacy, particularly if you’re sharing thoughts and feelings you don’t normally share with anyone else. If your standard for a special relationship is that it helps you discover who you are and overcome conventions that prevent you from being yourself, then rare and unusual communication seems meaningful. Just because a relationship is special or helps you grow, however, doesn’t mean that it’s supposed to last or that a stimulating friend is a solid partner.

  If you get close by sharing words about hurt feelings or well-hated mutual enemies, you may experience rapid intimacy, but at a cost, not just to your relationship, but to yourself. Talking about common enemies can be satisfying, but it does not necessarily form the foundation for a stable relationship or help you to see yourself as anyone other than a victim. Plus, people who are particularly aware of, and communicative about, negative feelings in general often wind up with negative feelings about you that they are quick to share with others. An awareness of feelings and an honest ability to share them, whether they’re open and positive or private and malicious, is not a guarantee of perspective or integrity.

  So beware the pleasure of easy, free communication. Don’t let the satisfaction of feeling understood or the thrills of intimate gossip mislead you into neglecting your usual procedures for judging character, assessing behavior, and looking for a good match with someone whose talk is worthwhile.

  The Good Things You Want Communication to Deliver

  • A sense of pleasurable anticipation when you start to talk and the secrets begin to flow.

  • A feeling of confidence in your ability to say anything and be understood and not judged, no matter how evil or gross or stupid the contents of your mind.

  • A unique intimacy that causes you to forget your inhibitions and somehow makes your sexual attraction yet sexier.

  • A feeling of comfort and trust that could only come from finding the one person who understands you better than you do yourself (and may accept you and your private thoughts more than you do).

  • A belief that your superior ability to communicate with your special someone will eliminate misunderstanding and solve all conflict between the two of you forever and, if you can extend your power, beget world peace.

  Profile of the Talented Talker

  Here is a list of traits associated with someone with advanced communication skills:

  • Physical attributes: Mobile facial expressions and active eye contact, often mirroring your own movements so as to better convey interest and intimacy, even if you’re not in the same room and just communicating via emoji (she’s that good).

  • Common occupations: Those that require the ability to deftly convey ideas to an audience while making them feel listened to and understood, even if they never get a chance to speak (and aren’t listened to when they do); e.g., advertising executive, politician, hairstylist, teacher, and of course therapist.

  • What attracts you first: The rush that comes with finding someone you can share your secrets with, and then getting to admit those secrets, and then getting to hear her secrets (or just fake secrets she makes up for the illusion of intimacy).

  • Red flags: You know way too mu
ch about her way too soon, not just information you might not be ready to hear, but details you aren’t interested in and pet peeves and rants that are decidedly unattractive. Never mind the stories of being victimized and betrayed by once-trusted friends, which are making you wonder whether this gal is just terrible at picking friends or terrible at keeping them.

  Seeking Communication

  It’s natural to identify new friends and good dates by their ability to communicate easily and spontaneously, even if it’s initially about topics provided by a dating service or displayed via a particularly insightful photo you can’t not swipe right on. After all, if communicating requires too much work, it’s a sign that you’re not on the same wavelength. Some people, however, are still good, smart relationship candidates, despite not being good talkers, because they communicate less with words and more by deeds, laughter, and facial expression. Other candidates are good talkers (or picture posers), but they use their communication skills to mask their shortcomings. Your job is to persist in determining what communication means and whether it reflects the qualities you’re looking for in a long-lasting relationship with a person you can trust.

  Here are three examples:

  • My new boyfriend is great at telling me how he feels and being a good ear, and it’s so nice to finally be with someone who asks me about my day and genuinely cares about my answer. Basically, there’s no one I trust more, so I didn’t hesitate to lend him money he needed to get a new TV (his credit is maxed out from making a bunch of do-or-die student loan payments). Yet sometimes I feel jealous when he’s paying close attention to someone else, and sometimes I feel insecure about whether our relationship is his priority. My goal is to get over my insecurity and not let suspicion and jealousy get in the way of trust.