F*ck Love: One Shrink's Sensible Advice for Finding a Lasting Relationship

by Bennett, MD, Michael

  Don’t let neediness or the pleasures of a gabfest cause you to share too much too quickly, or to share too much in general. Be cautious while watching carefully for signs that your words are being misunderstood, and if you find a disturbing difference in basic assumptions and beliefs, don’t assume that it results from a misunderstanding that additional words will clear up.

  Instead of pressing your point of view or sharing your feelings, try to understand where the difference comes from and whether its roots are deep; yes, it’s less fun and spontaneous when you have to be careful about what you say in a close relationship, but having basic differences does not make a close relationship impossible, just less easy. The spontaneity of your communication gives you a gift for intimacy, but also makes it easier for your mouth to get you into trouble. Learning to be a little less spontaneous and unfiltered won’t destroy your talent for getting close, and once you are close, it will greatly improve your ability to stay that way.

  Just as you can’t control the fundamental differences your communication skills uncover in a relationship, you also can’t control other aspects of interpersonal chemistry, such as a lack of sexual attraction or romantic interest. As a result, you may find yourself spending a lot of time getting emotionally intimate with people with whom physical intimacy isn’t in the cards.

  It’s worth asking your close friends whether you’re doing something wrong, perhaps by acting too much like a good buddy with a good ear to those who are nowhere near as interested in hearing about who you are and when you’re available. It’s possible, however, that you’re doing nothing wrong, and that your personality simply attracts a kind of relationship that is not special or partnership oriented.

  Let your partnership needs determine your priorities. Don’t feel responsible for returning friendly overtures simply because someone needs to talk, you like him, and you enjoy hanging out; if you don’t need friends, save your efforts until you find someone with whom friendliness seems more personal and partnership directed. Yes, you may find yourself lonely and with time on your hands, but you’ll need an open schedule if you’re to be ready for the right person when he comes along.

  Never assume that a gift for communication makes relationships easy beyond the initial stage. If you learn how to manage your gift in the context of your values and experience, you can use it to start and enhance a worthwhile relationship with strong bones and a healthy heart.

  The Art of Apology: The Dos and Don’ts of Sorry

  The words “I love you” are hardly as difficult to say as some people think. “I’m sorry,” on the other hand, when expressed sincerely in the wake of an acknowledged and indefensible error, doesn’t just express a feeling but an entire thought process. Telling people you’re sorry is letting them know that you’ve thought about what you’ve done, realized you’ve screwed up, want them to know you feel bad for screwing up, and, in taking the blame for screwing up, are less likely to screw up again. Even when “I love you” is sincere, it often just means that you want to go halfsies on a Hulu subscription.

  Given the complex meaning of a good apology, it’s not surprising that bad apologies are far too common. We’re referring here not to the lamely delivered “I’m sorry,” but to elaborate apologies that are built to deflect anger or blame, acceptance of which is the whole point of an apology. Worse, the blame is often placed on the person being apologized to, e.g., “I’m sorry you’re such an idiot and are feeling so angry,” which is less apology, more passive-aggressive bitch slap.

  After a major fuckup, especially in a relationship, there’s good reason to swallow your pride, admit your guilt, and accept your sentence. Here are some of the common nonapologies and their genuine/superior substitutes.

  Offense

  Don’t

  Why?

  Do

  Said something inappropriate or offensive

  I’m sorry you misinterpreted my words.

  It’s not his fault he was in earshot of your tactless ramblings and reacted to what seemed like their obvious meaning.

  I realize what I said was offensive, and I’m sorry. I will try to be more thoughtful in the future.

  Done something thoughtless or stupid

  I’m sorry I’m such an asshole.

  Congratulations, you have now put the person you’ve hurt on the defensive, even though she probably never explicitly called you an asshole, just called you on fucking up (which you did, and need to apologize for).

  I’m sorry I screwed up, it was a thoughtless mistake, and I have no good excuse for making it. It wasn’t personal, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try to do better by you going forward.

  Overheard making a nasty or mocking comment

  I’m sorry I wasn’t more discrete and careful about expressing myself.

  You need to be sorry for being a dick, not sorry for being caught.

  What I said was childish and unkind, and I’m not proud of my behavior. I’m sorry, and I hope to grow from this experience.

  Caught in a lie

  I’m sorry I didn’t feel comfortable being honest with you.

  You can blame an airline, in-law, tight shoe, etc., for making you uncomfortable, but you’re the only one who chooses to be a liar.

  I’m sorry I was dishonest, and I should have known better, but I took the easy way out. I’ll find a way to be stronger and tell the truth from here on.

  You make a dumb decision without consulting your partner

  I’m sorry you can’t appreciate that I made the right call.

  . . . is the same as saying, “I’m not sorry that I don’t give a shit what you think, dumbass.”

  I’m sorry I got swept up in what I feel strongly is the best solution. I shouldn’t have acted without asking your opinion. I’ll do better next time.

  Communication and Marriage

  One major fear people have about marriage is that one day they’ll wake up next to someone with whom they have nothing to talk about; that they’ll find that their spouse has become a stranger or, best-case scenario, an old, boring friend. But a marriage with easy and constant communication can be far more dangerous than a quiet monotonous one. While communication skills are, indeed, good for avoiding and removing misunderstanding and persuading your partner to do what you want him to, they may also convey negative feelings about problems and personal qualities that can’t be changed. Knowing when not to communicate—whether it’s while waking up, going to sleep (see sidebar on p. 106), or anything in between—is probably as important in preserving partnerships as communication is to getting them started.

  Here are three examples:

  • My husband was on the fence about marriage, but I made a compelling case and talked him into marrying me because I loved him, knew he loved me, and thought it would be good for both of us. Five years in, however, he often acts as if he’d rather be free of marital obligations and out with his friends. I wonder if I overestimated what I and marriage have to offer him, and always feel like I’m failing to deliver the package I told him would make him happy and be worth it for both of us in the long run. My goal is to get him to talk about what he doesn’t like in our marriage so I can either change it or get him to see that he’s not being reasonable.

  • When we started living together, my wife and I could tell each other absolutely everything—it was a major reason that I wanted to get married and knew we’d be happy together—but now that she’s stressed by a child and a difficult job, she just takes our open communication as an opportunity to air constant criticism of everything I do, and it’s driving me nuts. If I ask her to stop, she tells me that she has always valued mutual honesty and thinks it’s important that she can speak frankly with me. My goal is to get her to see me more positively so that her communication becomes less critical.

  • My wife always wonders why we don’t talk anymore, but after two kids and ten years of sharing a bathroom, is there anything left unshared or unsaid? We get along well and work well together as paren
ts, but once we’ve gone over our schedules and what we did at work, I’m out of topics. It’s not like I resent her and share my thoughts with somebody else—if I were to “open up” to anyone, it would be her—but the conversation factory is basically closed. My goal is to get my wife to see that, just because there’s not a lot to talk about, we don’t have relationship problems and don’t need to see a shrink.

  Since good communication is the key to diplomacy, it’s not surprising that we expect good communicators to be able to apply the skills required to negotiate peace treaties, broker the release of hostages, or halt a nuclear apocalypse to solving the everyday conflicts of marriage. In actuality, however, it’s probably easier for a diplomat to get two terrorist groups to join forces and start an organic farm than it is for a wife to will her husband into being more enthusiastic about their marriage. Failing to accept that sad reality can make any marital conflict that much worse.

  If you’re effective at persuasion, you may, for instance, be able to talk someone into marrying you. Once you’ve talked him into doing something he wouldn’t otherwise have done, you’re then responsible for all his marital unhappiness, which is impervious to your powers; the more you try to get him to spend time with you, the more unhappy he gets. Unfortunately, most things we might wish to change about our spouses are not responsive to persuasion, and trying it just increases the problem.

  Once you accept the limits of your control, you can better help him understand his choices and encourage him to do whatever he thinks is best. For example, instead of trying to persuade him to be a more available partner, identify the amount of availability you think is reasonable and let him know where you stand. Say you want him around most evenings, minus the marital resentment. If he can’t swing that bare minimum, you have a marriage that doesn’t work for you and time’s a-wasting to find an arrangement that does.

  Let him know that, as much as you believe you two have the potential for a good marriage, commitment requires sacrifice and it won’t work unless he wants marriage as much as you do. If he doesn’t want it, make it clear that you will no longer try to persuade him to do anything; you’ll simply move on and wish him well, knowing you’ve said what needed saying and the rest is up to him.

  Communication for the sake of venting is similarly limited in its effectiveness and usually causes more pain than it promises to relieve. Encouraged, perhaps, by therapists and TV advisers, many people are confident shared feelings will lead to good conversation, and they will vent anger and hurt hoping to clear the air and relieve internal pressure. As we’ve said before, this logic may apply to intestinal gas, but the poison unleashed by releasing opinions will not dissipate so easily.

  Unfortunately, communication has little influence over many sources of pain in a long-term partnership, including frustration with personality traits and certain behaviors that will never change, no matter how emphatically you state your displeasure, so airing feelings does nothing but start a fight and stoke lingering resentments. Since the person who believes in communication regards the ensuing conflict as a problem requiring more communication, things often escalate until the couple seeks treatment at the ultimate “safe place,” a therapist’s office. Unfortunately, therapists, being mere mortals and not earthbound gods or enchanted lizard people, lack the power to stem the destructiveness of this process.

  If you can’t persuade your wife to rein in her determination to share, stop defending yourself or trying to change her mind. Instead, prepare a list of her standard criticisms and confirm with yourself that they have been properly aired and listened to in the past and should now be retired. If any haven’t been addressed, by all means make an effort, but if you’re sure there’s no more you can do, then let her know, respectfully, that you believe communication about them should stop and that you will end further discussion, by withdrawing from it if necessary. You can’t stop an overcommunicator from wanting to be overly honest, but you can reduce her airtime and incentive until talking is simply not worth it.

  If, instead, peace and quiet have become boring to your partner and she complains that the silence between you is driving her crazy, don’t expect good communication will talk her into believing that she should be happy. Yes, you may be doing many good things to contribute to your partnership, but as long as she feels talk deprived, her pain will only hurt more if you don’t accept it. What you can do, after accepting her feelings as they are, is to let her know, without anger, that your silence doesn’t reflect a lack of interest in her or your relationship. You’re sorry that talking doesn’t come easily to you, and you’re interested in finding things to do that will bring you closer.

  Then suggest activities that you would enjoy doing together and take time to express an interest in her opinions and feelings. Even if you can’t think of interesting things to say, find ways to let her know that your relationship is always a top priority. You may well find that you can make her happier without having to change her needs or feelings or your own nonverbal style.

  Good communication makes you feel that you can get close and overcome conflict whenever you want to, but if you can’t appreciate its limits, you’ll end up talking yourself into trouble and possibly divorce. Forget about learning the fine art of persuasion and brokering peace; instead, figure out how to use your common sense to tell you when it’s time to talk, time to shut up, and time to find other ways to spend time together.

  Did You Know . . . Truth, or Bullshit?

  We examine widely accepted beliefs about relationships to determine whether they’re true (or not so much). The phrase in question:

  “Never go to bed angry.”

  There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to let a new day start with an ongoing conflict; that’s why this phrase should instead be “Never start the day angry.” Because it’s much better to go to bed angry than to try to come up with a smart, peaceful, reasonable resolution to a contentious argument during the time of day you’re least likely to be smart, peaceful, reasonable, or even cogent.

  Bad fights often happen in the hours before bed because, shockingly, it’s when most people are tired; at the end of a long day, people are often worn so thin that the slightest irritation sets them off. In the morning light, most of these disagreements are seen for what they are—meaningless, exhausted bickering—and naturally dissipate.

  Even if these fights are the culmination of long-running disagreements, or if the fight takes place earlier but the resentment lingers until lights-out, the moments before going to sleep are not the ones when anyone’s in the best shape for conflict resolution. Besides, last-minute fixes are rarely worthwhile, even when you come up with them when you’re not half-awake.

  So aim instead to sleep on it and talk about it in the morning (if there is in fact anything substantial to talk about after you’ve had a chance to rest and think it through). It’s better to go to sleep mad than keep fighting for hours and barely get any sleep at all.

  VERDICT: BULLSHIT

  Communication is a gift that can help you get through to people, but it can’t be used to make over people and undo the effects of bad character, bad chemistry, or bad behavior. Improve your communication skills if you can, but remember not to let interaction skills—your own or anyone else’s—distract you from assessing a person’s character and past actions as you look for what he or she can contribute to a partnership, not just communicate about it.

  What to Look For

  What to Achieve/What Not to Be Fooled By

  Mutual attraction

  . . . from being able to hang out in the same room and enjoy each other’s company without talking, rather than from being able to stare into each other’s eyes and verbalize every thought with intense emotion.

  Mutual respect

  . . . because of what you know about the other person’s work, character, and endurance when stressed and not based on your ability to entertain or vent every negative emotion to each other.

  Shared effort


  . . . that continues even when there’s not much to say, rather than requiring you to chatter like the TV commentators at the Westminster Dog Show.

  Common interests

  . . . in priorities arising from work, family, and individual interests, rather than knowing the contents of each other’s minds, hearts, and spleens.

  Common goals

  . . . such as figuring out ways to best run a household, rather than learning how to express every last thought, desire, or food craving.

  Five Ways to Prevent Yourself from Getting Worn-Out by Internet Dating

  1. Ask yourself what you want a relationship for: There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone for sex and socializing, but unless you’re insensitive to rejection and personality mismatches, you’d better give priority to finding someone committed, supportive, and hardworking, not just somebody suitable for short-term sexy times. Otherwise, you’ll wear yourself out with people you can’t force yourself to care about or can’t expect to hang around the moment you sound boring or stop looking good.

  2. Write up a job description for the position of life partner: Yes, you have to hit it off and get along and fall in love et al., but only with someone who hits all the right marks on a checklist of required behavior. Since you need someone who can share social time, stick to commitments, and do her share while still taking care of her own shit, write up a job-listing-like description of the required duties, character qualities, and experience you require from a partner. In the absence of a romantic CV, look for those traits in her actions or in her relationship history. The more specific you are about the behavior you require, the more effectively you’ll screen out candidates who may be attractive but don’t have the credentials you need.