Widow, Virgin, Whore - A Novel

by Deanna Lynn Sletten

  "Thank you," Katherine told him quietly. "This is wonderful for Darla. For all of us."

  "For me, too," Craig said. "The best medicine for everyone."

  "Your tests must have turned out well," Katherine said, noting the smile on his face.

  The smile faded as he said softly, "They turned out as I suspected they would."

  They danced quietly for a minute. Katherine could feel how thin he'd become through the heavy sweater he wore. His face had thinned out, too, but he still looked handsome and strong despite his weight loss. As she looked up into his face, their eyes met, and she saw a deep sadness in them before he dropped his stare to the floor. A moment later, he looked straight at her again and said softly, "Katherine, I have cancer."

  She stopped all movement and stared up at him in disbelief. "No," she whispered, shaking her head. "No."

  Craig nodded and gently nudged her to dance again so the others wouldn't notice that something was wrong. As they moved to the music, he spoke softly. "Yes. They found it with the tests in Vancouver. They aren't exactly sure where it began yet, but it's made its way along my spine and hit just about every part of my body. It's progressing quickly."

  "Oh, Craig." Katherine was at a loss for words as they continued moving to the music. She fought back tears as she looked into his face again. "Can they do anything for you?" she asked hopefully.

  "The doctors are going to try a couple of things but they told me there really wasn't much they could do. With my weakened immune system, my body just wouldn't tolerate treatment. And it has progressed so far, they don't even know where to start."

  The music ended and there was soft laughter and talking buzzing around them as Jeff put in another CD. Katherine looked up at Craig mournfully, wishing there was something she could do or say to help, but she knew there was nothing. Craig had become such an important part of their family, and was so good for Darla, she just didn't want to believe they'd be losing him soon, too.

  He looked down at her then and gently touched her cheek. "Hey, cancer or AIDS, either way I knew I would die." He tried to smile, but it was hard. "Please don't tell Darla. She has enough to worry about."

  Katherine nodded agreement. He understood, like she did, that Darla didn't have much time left either. It was so unfair and Katherine reached up and hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry, Craig," she whispered as he hugged her back.

  "Hey, woman. Are you trying to steal my boyfriend?" Darla spoke up teasingly from her spot on the sofa.

  Katherine let go slowly as Craig smiled down at her again, then turned toward Darla. "I was thinking about it," she said, hoping she could keep the tears brimming in her eyes from spilling.

  "Well, he's mine, so hands off," Darla told her. Some people laughed at their mock battle and Craig went over and whispered something to Jeff, then headed back to Darla.

  "Let's dance," he said, offering his hand to her. Anne Murray began singing "Could I Have This Dance" over the stereo and once again couples cuddled close.

  Darla looked up at him slyly. "Are you trying to wear me out, mister, so you can take advantage of me later?"

  "You wish," Craig teased.

  Darla tried to get up but had trouble, so Craig lifted her off the sofa and held her close.

  "I might fall," Darla warned, unsteady on her feet, but enjoying his closeness.

  "I'd never let you fall," he whispered in her ear, holding her tight. And they danced as he held her against him, barely moving, feeling the words of the song within them. "Could I have this dance, for the rest of my life", the words sang over the stereo.

  "You know," Craig said softly in her ear. "For two people who aren't very good at love, we've done just fine. Don't you think?"

  Darla smiled and nodded her head as it lay on his shoulder. "Yeah, we make a great team," she whispered back. And as they danced, Katherine watched them from across the room, her eyes filling again at the obvious love she saw between them, and the tragedy of that love.

  Later, after everyone had left, Craig carried Darla up to her room as Denise and Katherine finished cleaning up. When he didn't come down, Katherine said nothing. She understood they needed each other right now. And they were in love. That made all the difference in the world.

  Katherine thought back to the morning she had exploded at Darla for having a man spend the night. It no longer angered her and now she even wished they could go back in time to that day. Darla was healthy then, and the only problem they had with her was her wildness. Darla could use some of that free spirit back.

  As Katherine turned out the kitchen light and headed up to her own bed, Craig and Darla lay snuggled together in hers, simply holding each other, feeling the warmth, love, and security between them.

  ***

  When Katherine took Darla to her weekly doctor's appointment on Friday, Dr. Hanson looked grim. Darla lay on the exam table propped up with pillows because she didn't have the energy to sit up unaided. She'd had night sweats the night before and twice Katherine had to change her soaked sheets for her. Yet, today she felt shivering cold, even beneath her two sweaters and coat. Her skin was ashen, her eyes dull, and her breathing labored from the exertion of just walking from the reception room to the exam room.

  Dr. Hanson peered at Darla from behind his thick glasses. "What have you been doing, young lady, partying all night?" he teased, although his expression showed deep concern.

  Darla tried to chuckle, but only a small grunt came out. "That's exactly what I've been doing. And spending late nights in bed with my man, too."

  Dr. Hanson shook his head, used to Darla's crude humor. "Well, you'd better stop it cause you're failing all of your tests," he joked, but he wasn't smiling as he studied the results of her latest T-cell and viral load counts. He also didn't like the sound of her labored breathing or how much weight she'd lost in only a week.

  "Blame her," Darla told him, pointing a bony finger at Katherine. "She's the one setting up all the house parties."

  Dr. Hanson grinned at Katherine, who was sitting in the corner chair, then set down Darla's chart and began examining her. He listened to her heart and lungs, finding the former beating erratically but the latter clear despite the heavy breathing. Her pulse was slight, and her blood pressure had dropped to near non-existent levels. He asked her a dozen questions while he looked her over. How was she sleeping? How was her eyesight? Did she have any pains or muscle aches? Darla had a smart answer for every question.

  "Well, at least your mind is still sharp, and your tongue," Dr. Hanson told her when he was finished. He wrapped his stethoscope around his neck and sighed as he filled in more information on Darla's chart.

  "So, will I live?" Darla joked, but Dr. Hanson didn't look to be in a joking mood when his eyes met hers.

  "Quite honestly, Darla, I'm not happy with the way you're progressing," he said seriously. Katherine stood from her spot in the corner and came to stand beside Darla. Dr. Hanson gave Katherine a solemn look before returning his attention to Darla. "We've always been point blank honest with each other, Darla, so I won't sugarcoat anything for you now. Your T-cell count is extremely low, below 20, and your viral load has risen dramatically. Your body is no longer fighting AIDS, it's fighting you."

  Darla was completely silent, no longer ready with her quick-witted one liners.

  "Can she take something to build herself up again?" Katherine asked, knowing the answer, yet still hoping.

  "Nothing will work at this point," Dr. Hanson told her, his voice steady, but gentle. "Her body isn't strong enough to deal with AZT or combination therapy now." He stood one silent moment looking at both women before saying the dreaded words. "I think it's time we have a care conference."

  Katherine's shoulders slumped. Darla's eyes closed and she clamped her jaw tight. When she opened them, she stared hard at the doctor. "What good will that do? I already know what you're going to say."

  Dr. Hanson moved closer to both women. In his kindest voice he said, "I know you already know wha
t to expect, Darla. A care conference is more for family and friends. It helps them understand and deal with what is to come."

  Darla nodded her understanding. Dr. Hanson turned his gaze to Katherine, who was still trying to absorb the full impact of his words. She had known it would come to this, but hadn't thought it would happen so soon.

  "Could you assemble her family and friends for a meeting? We can do it tomorrow afternoon."

  Katherine's eyes grew wide. "So soon?"

  "I think that would be best," the doctor said, sending his gaze back to Darla, making Katherine's eyes follow his. She understood what he was silently telling her. They didn't have much time left.

  "Yes," Katherine finally answered him.

  "I'll come over to your house around four," he told her. "It would be better there, don't you think?"

  Katherine nodded her agreement.

  Dr. Hanson turned his attention back to Darla. "This doesn't mean I'm giving up on you yet, Darla. I know there's still a lot of bite left in your bark. I expect you to keep fighting."

  "Woof," Darla said, not even laughing at her own joke.

  ***

  Later that evening, when Katherine told Denise about the care conference, she fell to pieces. Darla was resting in her room with Craig keeping her company and the kids were upstairs playing video games in Chris' room.

  "But she's not that sick yet," Denise insisted, tears streaming down her face. "Why would the doctor want to do this now?"

  Katherine held her close, worn out both mentally and physically from spreading the news to family and friends. She'd called Marcia earlier, and although the older woman tried to control her emotions, Katherine still heard the pain her in voice. It had torn her apart, but Katherine knew it was better for her to tell Darla's parents than to put it upon Denise. And she still had to explain the situation to the kids. She'd hoped Denise would help her with that, but from the way she was taking it now, Katherine wasn't sure if Denise would have the strength.

  "How could I not see this coming?" Denise asked as she continued to sob in Katherine's arms. "Why didn't I see she was this sick?"

  "I don't think any of us wanted to see this coming," Katherine told her gently. "It was easier to ignore it."

  Katherine continued consoling Denise until Gary came over after work. Katherine had called him earlier and asked him to come, hoping his presence would calm Denise. And it did. And once Denise had settled down, they both faced the unpleasant task of telling the children, together.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  It was a solemn group that assembled in the living room that Saturday afternoon in the Victorian house overlooking Puget Sound. Even the weather reflected the mood by casting a sky as gray and cloudy as the faces in the room.

  Everyone was there. Craig had carried Darla downstairs to her favorite spot by the fire after Denise had helped her dress. She lay there calmly, tucked under an afghan to try and conjure the warmth that always eluded her. Craig spent every night there now, and it upset no one. His help with Darla was needed and appreciated and the emotional value of his being there for Darla was priceless. Carl had come, and so had Gary to lend support. Marcia and Dan showed up slightly before four o'clock with long, sad faces. The children had insisted on sitting in on the conversation, too. Chelsea wanted to be there for her mother. Chris was there to support Chelsea.

  "Hey, guys. I'm not dead yet," Darla told the group of solumn faces sitting around her. Everyone tried to laugh at her attempt at humor, but it was only a meager response. They all knew why they were there and the evidence was before their eyes every time they looked at Darla's sunken eyes and emaciated body.

  The front doorbell rang and Katherine answered it. Dr. Hanson soon joined the group assembled in the room as Katherine offered him her seat and pulled a chair out from the dining table for herself.

  "Come on, Doc, let's get this show on the road before these people really depress me," Darla spouted off.

  Dr. Hanson chuckled. "Saucy and irreverent as always, eh Darla? Okay." He cleared his throat and began, noting the kids in the room and choosing his words carefully. "I'm here to discuss the kind of care Darla requires, and to answer any questions you may have about her condition. I know Darla is aware of the changes that may occur, as well as a few others here in the room, but it helps to make caring for her easier if everyone is aware of what to expect." He stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts as everyone sat stone silent, waiting for him to continue.

  "To begin, I think you all must understand what is happening inside her. Darla's T-cell count is extremely low and dropping rapidly while her viral load is rising. Because of this, her body is no longer fighting against the AIDS virus, but against her."

  "I don't understand," Marcia spoke up from across the room. "Won't her body continue to fight the virus?"

  "I'm afraid not," Dr. Hanson said gently. "Eventually, her immune system will shut down completely. As portions of it do, however, the other portions will attack her system harder."

  Marcia nodded her understanding but her expression still held confusion. Questions lined not only her face, but her husband's as well, yet they sat silent, listening to the doctor. Beside Marcia, Denise sat frowning, trying hard to understand, and fighting back the tears already wanting to overtake her.

  Dr. Hanson continued. "Darla will grow weaker as her immune system weakens. Her spinal cord will deteriorate as well as her nervous system and muscles. It will become harder for her to control her movements. Her eyesight will blur, and she may lose it completely. Food will become intolerable to her system. Even now, her body is only absorbing about a fourth of the calories she is eating. Eventually, she will need to be on a continuous IV for fluids." He stopped there, allowing time for everyone to absorb what he'd said.

  Katherine sat quietly, studying the faces in the room around her. Marcia and Dan now had blank looks upon their faces, trying to understand everything they were being told. Denise held fear in her eyes, and grasped tightly to Gary's hand. Darla's face showed no emotion as she sat huddled under her blanket with Craig beside her. Surprisingly, the kids looked calm, making Katherine wonder if they understood the full extent of what was being said. She took advantage of the doctor's pause to edge over and sit on the floor behind them in case she was needed later.

  Gently, the doctor continued. "As the virus progresses, Darla may develop dementia. She may see images that aren't there, or talk to people not in the room. Some days she will be lucid, others she may not."

  "I wish you doctors would get a new repertoire," Darla spouted off in a disgusted voice. "I'm tired of this same old song and dance." Everyone in the room chuckled tightly, but Katherine noticed Chelsea's face crease in concern.

  "You mean she won't know who we are anymore?" Chelsea spoke up from her spot on the floor by the fire. Katherine gently placed a hand on her shoulder.

  "There will be times when she won't know where she is or who is with her. More like confusion," Dr. Hanson tried to explain. "But other times, she will be her same old self."

  "Don't listen to him," Darla told Chelsea firmly. "My mind is not going anywhere without me."

  The room was still again. Katherine saw Darla's eyes connect with Chelsea's and felt the young girl's shoulders relax under her touch. Of all the symptoms of AIDS, Katherine knew that dementia scared Darla the most. Not being in control of her body was one thing, but her mind was quite another.

  Denise spoke up for the first time. "Will she actually experience all of these things for certain?"

  The doctor shook his head. "I'm only preparing you for the symptoms that might happen. Every patient is different. It helps to know everything though, so there are no surprises."

  "Okay, Doc, no one else will ask, so I will. How much longer do I have?" Darla stared hard at Dr. Hanson, expecting an honest answer.

  Dr. Hanson felt the room around him grow tense as he looked past the faces and out the window at the October sky. Taking a deep breath, he turned his eyes
back to Darla. "I'd be surprised if we still had you with us by Christmas."

  Marcia gasped, Chelsea tightened, and Denise finally let the tears flow. Darla held her jaw tight, not letting the words affect her.

  Dr. Hanson spoke up. "Having said that, I expect Darla to do everything in her power to prove me wrong."

  Darla broke out in a smile. "You're on, Doc." His words had eased some of the tension but there was so much more to talk about. Dr. Hanson expressed his concern over Darla's weakened state and its effect on her heart. He was more worried of her heart losing strength than the disease overrunning her. He also asked Darla to make some decisions over the next week about the amount of medical assistance she'd want should she become comatose or her heart stopped. He told her it would help the family to know her wishes in case anything happened.

  It was a quiet and sober group that bid the doctor farewell later that evening. Craig carried Darla back up to her room to rest as Katherine brought in a fresh pot of coffee and cookies for the group still assembled. The coffee went untouched and the cookies uneaten. Not a word was spoken. Understanding that this was a time for family, Carl quietly exited the room, giving Katherine a supportive hug at the door and a promise of visiting Darla tomorrow. As Katherine returned to her chair in the living room, Denise finally broke the silence.

  "Kathy, did Allison go through all of the changes the doctor talked about before she died?" All eyes turned to Katherine, expectant eyes, eyes looking for a ray of hope that she could not give them.

  "Yes, she did," Katherine replied quietly.

  Denise looked close to tears again, but miraculously held them in. "So, how do we get through this?" she asked her closest friend of twenty-five years. "What do we do?"