I'm Not in Love (Once Upon a Winter Book 2)

by Tennant, Tilly

  ‘I know, it’s a shocking state of affairs,’ Martine said. ‘A lesser woman could be very offended by that.’

  Surely every other woman was a lesser woman, Hannah thought. There it was again, that little worm of jealousy. ‘Um… would you like to come inside for a drink or something?’ she asked. She prayed they would say no, because Martine looked like the sort of woman who might break out in hives at the sight of an unwashed cup, and her house still looked like a bombsite from Gina and Jess’s visit.

  ‘That’s very kind but we really don’t have a lot of time today,’ Martine said. ‘We were actually on a drive out to see if we could jog Mitchell’s memory and then we’re going to visit a few old friends to see if that will help too. But as we were passing here Mitchell insisted that we pick up some flowers to bring over for you. There’s a petrol station not far from here and we got some rather decent ones from there.’ She added the final sentence gleefully, implying that she herself would never receive petrol station flowers thereby reinforcing Hannah’s transient and inferior status as a part of Mitchell’s life. Hannah was wondering where the flowers were, when Mitchell went to the boot of the car and produced a bouquet of white and yellow roses and carnations.

  ‘They’re lovely, but you needn’t have,’ Hannah said as he handed them over.

  ‘We wanted to thank you,’ Martine said. ‘Both of us wanted to thank you for your kindness on Christmas day. Goodness only knows what might have happened to Mitchell had you not found him.’

  ‘It was more a case of him finding me,’ Hannah smiled. ‘I really didn’t do anything at all.’

  ‘That’s not what I heard,’ Martine said. ‘You certainly did more than a lot of people would have done.’

  Hannah glanced at Mitchell. Why was Martine the only one talking? She didn’t like this new, miserable, henpecked version of Tom-who-was-now-Mitchell, standing before her as though he wished a giant bird would swoop from the sky and carry him off. Did he feel at sea in the company of his wife, a woman he should have been intimately acquainted with but couldn’t remember at all? Or was he simply finding her as irritating as Hannah was? Martine was perfectly courteous – as perfect in her manners as in every other aspect of her being – but there was something about her that Hannah simply couldn’t warm to. Not that it mattered, of course, they were hardly going to be best friends; and she supposed it was nice of her to want to call and meet Hannah and thank her in person.

  ‘So… you live nearby?’ Hannah asked, grasping for some neutral conversation, anything that would stop her being a monumental bitch, which was what her thoughts were making her feel like right now.

  ‘Chapeldown,’ Martine replied, with obvious pride. There was a suitable pause to give Hannah time to be impressed. Chapeldown was the next village along Holly Way – more of a hamlet really – inhabited by stockbrokers and surgeons. It was way beyond Hannah’s (and most other people’s) budget.

  ‘Very nice,’ was all that Hannah could find to say.

  ‘Close enough for you to pop over and see us sometime,’ Martine added, which Hannah translated as please never pop over to see us. Hannah simply smiled.

  ‘We should probably let you get on,’ Mitchell cut in. Hannah could see that the meeting wasn’t getting any easier for him. Perhaps he wasn’t feeling as well as he looked after all. If he still hadn’t regained his memory, then who knew what deeper injuries lay beneath the surface wound that was now barely visible beneath his hair. Maybe it would take him years to get right. Hannah couldn’t imagine how horrible that would be, but she felt for him with every ounce of her being. She wanted to hug him, to tell him everything would be alright. Impossible, of course, or at least highly inappropriate.

  ‘The flowers really are lovely,’ she said. ‘I appreciate you stopping by and I’m happy to see you both looking so well.’

  ‘Flowers are the least we could do,’ Martine said. ‘As Mitchell said, we should let you get on.’

  There were a million questions Hannah wanted to ask, but she had the distinct feeling that she wouldn’t get straight answers to any of them – at least, not from Martine. Perhaps it was none of her business anyway, but they still fired around her head, desperate to be aired. Neither of them had even hinted at what had sent Mitchell out into the snow that day, to be injured and lost. Had the police been involved when he had turned up at the hospital? It must have been something bad, something traumatic; people didn’t just take off like that for nothing. How were they dealing with it now he was home?

  Martine shook Hannah’s hand again, and this time, so did Mitchell. Her grip was cold and strong, whereas his warm hand lingered in hers for a fraction of a second too long, and he held her gaze as if trying to tell her something. ‘Take care,’ he said, and it seemed as if he had never meant anything so sincerely in his life.

  ‘You too,’ Hannah replied, ‘and if you ever need anything you know where to find me.’

  ‘Gracious!’ Martine laughed, ‘I hope he’s not going to go wandering off and need rescuing again or I’ll have to get a chip inserted.’

  Hannah stared at her. She couldn’t help it, when Martine’s words were so cold and thoughtless. Mitchell was clearly distressed enough, without his wife belittling him. Martine didn’t seem to notice Hannah’s reaction, however, and Mitchell didn’t seem to notice Martine’s cutting remark. After another brief goodbye, the Audi was gone, and Hannah was left holding her flowers and more intrigued by Mitchell than ever before. She knew more about him now than she had done a week ago, but that only deepened the mystery.

  *

  Her flowers sat in a glass vase on the mantelpiece as Hannah finally cradled a glass of wine and curled up on the sofa with a book now that the evening was hers alone. She glanced up at them again as she had many times over the day. Petrol station or not, she liked them. Ross had left her an hour before, having been true to his promise that he would get her car running again. She’d also had a very interesting visit from her paramedic friend, who had picked up his watch and then, it seemed, was so grateful that he gave her far more information than he probably ought to concerning Mitchell, including his surname and why his wife was well-known to the doctors at the hospital. Hannah was sure he was breaking many rules of confidentiality so she simply took it in, feeling all at once wild with curiosity but sneaky and underhand too. If Martine and Mitchell had wanted her to have any of this information, surely they would have told her themselves? The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced that they had been hiding an awful lot earlier that day. Mitchell didn’t seem happy to be back where he belonged. Even if he couldn’t remember his wife, there would surely have been some residual spark of attraction, some sense of belonging. After all, he must have loved her when he married her and love was a powerful enough emotion to survive every assault on it, wasn’t it? Hannah didn’t really know enough about amnesia, but her logic told her this ought to be so. And Martine was just as puzzling. She didn’t strike Hannah as someone who had been out of her mind with worry when Mitchell had wandered off. In fact, she seemed rather unconcerned by the whole affair. People made jokes about traumatic events, they made light of them to deal with the real hurt, but Martine wasn’t even doing that – God knows Hannah had done enough of it over the years to recognise it. Martine really didn’t seem to care.

  Around eight, Hannah’s phone rang and Gina’s name flashed up on the screen.

  ‘Hello you, did you make it home ok?’ Hannah grinned.

  ‘No drama, more’s the pity. A bit of drama makes it all so much more interesting. Unless you count Jess’s phone battery running out of course, which she definitely seemed to do.’ Gina sounded cheerful and rested, despite the two-hour journey home. Hannah hoped some of that was down to her visit. Her sister had been subjected to a pretty awful year and she’d gladly do anything to help make it better. ‘How’s your car?’ Gina added. ‘Still a heap of shit?’

  ‘No,’ Hannah laughed, ‘Ross managed to get it going with his ma
gic touch.’

  ‘Hmmm… I have an idea he could get anything going with his magic touch.’

  ‘Even ladies who are a teeny bit too old for him?’

  ‘Particularly ladies who are a teeny bit too old for him.’

  ‘Know any?’

  ‘I think I’m supposed to say no to that, aren’t I?’

  ‘Well done.’

  ‘So, did you see a lot of him today?’

  ‘I suppose I did really.’

  ‘Lucky cow.’

  ‘You say that but I also had to have tea with his mum.’

  ‘Oh, how horrible. I’d definitely feel like a dirty old pervert if I had to do that. I bet she’s hardly older than me.’

  ‘You were the one insisting there wasn’t much of an age gap between you and Ross.’

  ‘I said there wasn’t enough to put me off – there’s a difference.’

  Hannah giggled. ‘You’re terrible. It’s lucky I didn’t turn out to be a big floozy like you or Jess would have had no decent role model in the family.’

  ‘She hasn’t got one now. Why else do you think she’s turned out to be such a little shit?’

  ‘You don’t mean that.’

  ‘I’ve just arrived home and opened last month’s phone bill. I bloody do!’

  ‘Oh dear. Is she going to pay you back?’

  ‘I don’t know what with. And when you consider that I’m the one who gives her money in the first place it would just be me paying myself back. Anyway, enough of that. What did Ross say about me?’

  ‘Nothing really.’

  ‘Nothing? I clearly didn’t make enough of an impression then. Ah well, I suppose there’ll be other fish in the sea. He was rather yummy, though.’

  ‘Actually I think he does find you attractive, but in all seriousness, he probably wants a girlfriend his own age.’

  ‘Oooh, you can be heartless, can’t you?’ Gina laughed. ‘Fancy crushing my dreams like that.’

  ‘Sorry…’

  ‘What else? You want to tell me something.’

  ‘I do?’

  ‘I always know.’

  ‘Well… Tom came to see me. Except, obviously, he’s not named Tom, and his wife was with him.’

  ‘That’s good. You wanted to know what had happened. Is he well? Are things back the way they should be? Did they come to let you know?’

  ‘He looked alright, but he still doesn’t have his memory back. Only bits, he says.’

  ‘So what’s his actual name?’

  ‘Mitchell. Mitchell Bond.’

  ‘Mitchell Bond?’ Gina snorted. ‘Are you serious? That’s got to be a made up name!’

  ‘I’m serious.’

  ‘Did he arrive in an Aston Martin with a particularly suspect black umbrella?’

  ‘Very funny.’

  ‘What’s his wife like?’

  ‘She seems nice.’

  ‘You hate her.’

  ‘That obvious?’

  ‘Of course. What else did you find out?’

  ‘She’s a GP. Loaded, so I’m told. He’s a property developer. No kids.’

  ‘They told you all this?’

  ‘Not exactly… our paramedic friend called around to pick up his watch.’

  ‘You found his watch? Now I’m confused.’

  ‘Ross found it, actually.’

  ‘Is there anything that boy can’t do?’

  ‘I don’t know. I’ll ask him when I see him next.’

  ‘So your paramedic says they’ve got pots of money. How does he know all this?’

  ‘One of the consultants at the hospital knows her. I think she’s quite well respected but…’

  ‘But what?’

  ‘She’s apparently a bit of a bitch to work with.’

  ‘Hmmm… that figures.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘She’s in a competitive field. It needs a bit of mega bitch from time to time to make it.’

  ‘You’re not and you work in a competitive field.’

  ‘I’m a sales manager. It’s hardly the same.’

  ‘Don’t run yourself down.’

  ‘It’s just the way it is. So how did he end up bashing the memory from his head?’

  ‘They didn’t say.’

  ‘No explanation at all?’

  ‘They probably didn’t think it was any of my business.’

  ‘It’s not, but I bet you still want to know. I certainly do.’

  ‘Of course I do. I can’t help feeling weird about the whole thing.’

  ‘What? Like she was trying to bump him off or something and failed?’

  ‘God, of course not! I’d never even thought of that. I just meant they seemed as if they were keeping some nasty secrets.’

  ‘I bet she was trying to bump him off.’

  ‘She’s a GP,’ Hannah wrinkled her nose. ‘She wouldn’t need to thump him on the head, she could subtly poison him or overdose or something. She must know enough about drugs.’

  ‘Oh, right… do you think we should phone an anonymous tip off to the police?’

  ‘No…’ Hannah laughed. ‘I’m sure there’s been no foul play. But I do get the impression their marriage isn’t very solid. He doesn’t seem to want to be there at all. Maybe that’s what it was all about: they were having a row and he stormed out?’

  Gina was silent for a moment. ‘You’ve been on your own too long,’ she announced.

  ‘That’s a bit random.’

  ‘I just think you’re taking too much of an interest in this. You felt connected or whatever on Christmas Day, and you got close because he needed you, and now you feel like there’s something special there, some bond that means you can’t let him go and you keep beating yourself up about whether he’s alright or not. It’s twisting your logic.’

  ‘You were the one who just suggested his wife was trying to murder him!’

  ‘I was kidding. You’re not. Walk away, Han. He’s got his wife back, they’re happy and rich in their big house, end of story.’

  ‘But they’re not happy, are they?’

  ‘They might be on the rocks but stay away. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen, and if things are as you say they are, then you don’t want to be on the tracks when it does, no matter how much you like him.’

  ‘I’m not going to be; I’m just discussing it with you, that’s all.’

  ‘I know. But you have to ask yourself why you’re bothered about any of it. You don’t know him… you don’t know either of them. What do you care if their marriage is shit?’

  ‘Because I’m a human being.’

  ‘Because you’re interested in him.’

  Hannah sighed. ‘This is a silly conversation. I’ve got no intention of breaking his marriage up.’

  ‘I never said that.’

  ‘But you implied it.’

  ‘If you think that then you have a guilty conscience and that’s down to no-one but you. I only meant that you shouldn’t get involved. At best it would be a messy affair, at worst you’d be a rebound relationship; either way it wouldn’t be pretty. Han… I hate to see you alone, and I do wish you’d find someone nice, but not him. You understand what I’m trying to say, don’t you?’

  ‘I suppose I do. But you’re wrong if you think this is about me pining for a man. I’m perfectly happy alone and I wouldn’t settle for any man just for the sake of having one. I’m certainly not going to go out looking for one.’

  ‘You could go out a bit though, and maybe you’d meet one.’

  ‘That’s rich coming from you. Perhaps you should take your own advice.’

  ‘I haven’t been alone as long as you, and I still have a husband to get rid of.’

  ‘That’s not it.’

  ‘It is soooo it. When my divorce comes through and I’ve cleaned the cheating bastard out of every penny I can, I’m taking myself off to Spain and finding a waiter with the biggest penis I can.’

  ‘Howard really did a number on you, didn’t he?’ Hannah said with a faint
smile.

  ‘He hurt me, Hannah, I can’t deny it. He might as well have cut my heart out with a blunt knife. But he’ll be sorry. I’m going to have so much sex it’ll make my eyes water and I might even film it to send to him.’

  ‘Oh Gina… Please tell me Jess isn’t there right now.’

  ‘She went out almost as soon as we dropped our bags on the floor. She doesn’t need me anymore, and when all the joking is done, I’m going to be on my own soon. That’s why I don’t want to see you lonely, because I know how it feels.’

  ‘Well…’ Hannah said, sensing her sister’s mood darkening, ‘you’ll be back here soon, close to me for good and we can keep each other company.’

  ‘Like two mad cat ladies? Fabulous.’

  ‘I’ll bring the cats and you can provide the incoherent rambling.’

  ‘I see you save the best job for me.’

  ‘Of course. When will you hear from the solicitors?’

  ‘Soon I hope. I just want it all sorted, to get my money and come and find a place back in Millrise. I want to come home now.’

  ‘I can’t wait,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Neither can I. Though I’m not sure Jess is as happy about it.’

  ‘She’ll adjust; kids always do.’

  ‘She’s leaving a pretty good social life behind.’

  ‘It’s only a couple of hours away from Birmingham. She’ll make friends here and then she’ll have two really good social lives.’

  ‘I’ll let you tell her that when she kicks off as I hand my house keys back,’ Gina laughed. ‘For now I think she’s pretending it won’t happen.’

  ‘Want me to talk to her?’

  ‘There’s no point yet. It could be months before I’m in a position to go anywhere – there’s just no way of knowing with legal stuff. When the time comes I’m thinking I might just get a sack and some strong rope so I can tie her up and throw her into the removal van.’

  ‘Good luck with that,’ Hannah laughed.

  ‘Thanks. I’m going to need it.’

  *

  Hannah clicked submit. A message popped up on the screen to congratulate her for registering on Starcrossed. com. She chewed a fingernail and sat back in her seat waiting for something to happen. She didn’t know why she was doing this. Perhaps something Gina said had sparked off a realisation. She was nervous as hell now, worried about what sort of nutters she might get replies from, but it was done. And you never knew… didn’t lots of people meet their true love on dating sites, every day? So they couldn’t be a complete waste of time, could they? There were biometric testing and glossy photos and profiles and scientific formulae of all kinds helping to match couples, not like in the old days where you turned up wearing a pink carnation and hoping he still had his own teeth. What she had said to Gina, about not needing a man – she felt sure that was all true; but there was no harm in seeing what was out there. She might even have fun in the process, meet some nice people, make some good friends. And maybe, just maybe, she’d find that elusive soulmate she had given up on.