Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  “Yeah, I wanted to be sure you were okay if you got sick again. How are you feeling?”

  “Better, still a little queasy, but at least I can remain upright.”

  “You still look a little flushed. You aren’t lying to make me feel better are you?” His hand grazed the side of my cheek, sending warm tingles to spread through me.

  “I don’t feel the greatest, but at least I’m not having to hover around the toilet.”

  “If that changes, you tell me immediately. Got it?” There was seriousness in his tone and I dismissed it as his doctor side coming out in full force.

  “Yes, doctor.” I replied, teasing him.

  He shook his head at me, but I could see the small smile on his lips.

  “I’m going to run upstairs and take a shower. Promise you are okay? I wanted to go out and get what I need for the memorial thing Sandi wanted us to do. Any clue what you’re doing?”

  I shook my head. I really didn’t know what I was going to do. A song felt so impersonal. I’d already written him letters. I didn’t have poem writing ability in my body and I definitely couldn’t act or sing.

  “I’m not sure. And yes, I’ll be fine. Go ahead. I might just lie in bed for a while and read a book. I don’t want to push myself too hard and not recover from this bug. I don’t wish it on anyone. I hope you don’t get it.”

  Standing up, he leaned down to where I was still sitting on the coffee table and kissed me on the forehead.

  “I really want to kiss you, but after seeing you last night, I’ll let you keep your cooties to yourself until you’re better,” he teased.

  I couldn’t stop the smile on my face as he turned around and winked at me before leaving the apartment.

  After losing Jeremy, my mind told me that I would never have the ability to care for someone as deeply as I did my husband. It told me that since he was gone, I would never feel the butterflies in my stomach or feel my heart swell when I was completely happy. Happiness would be something that would melt away from my life, leaving me barren and lonely. Well, the head lies. It tells you all kinds of deceitful and dark things. It can take your thoughts and twist them to the point you don’t even recognize what your original one was.

  But after being with Evan these last five and a half months, I can tell you one thing. Your head will play tricks on you and leave you feeling defeated, but the heart? The heart doesn’t lie.

  ***

  I’VE BEEN GONE FROM the house for over an hour now and I must have sent Ellie half a dozen texts. I didn’t want to leave her, but I also didn’t want her with me when I did what I was about to do. For once, guilt didn’t hit me when I thought of the idea, instead my heart drove me to the store I was sitting in front of, telling me that it was okay to do it. It was okay to let go of my past so that I could begin rebuilding my future.

  A future that I wanted with Ellie.

  She has filled every vacant thought in my head for some time now. She has been the reason I look forward to waking in the morning and the person who I see in my dreams every night. Even though I don’t know the outcome of what is going to happen between us, I also know that if I don’t take the chance, I’ll never forgive myself. Even though a small pang told me that there was a grand possibility that I would be rejected, I knew I had to try.

  Climbing out of the car, I went into the small corner shop where an old fashioned bell announced my arrival.

  “Evan Taylor, great to see you, son,” the old man behind the counter said as soon as I stepped over the threshold.

  “Good to see you too Mr. Ellis,” I replied, walking over to shake the hand of one of my father’s longtime friends.

  “I’m terribly sorry about what happened with your wife. Wanda read it in the paper and I didn’t want to believe it at first. I mean, I wish it hadn’t happened. I spoke to your father not too long after the accident. He told me that you have been down here for a while now.”

  “Thank you. And yeah, I’ve been down here for nearly six months now. I’m on a sabbatical from the hospital.”

  “Any idea when you might return?”

  “I’m not sure. It will probably be soon though. I’ve been doing group grief counseling and I think we are nearing the end.”

  “That’s good son. Therapy has a way of helping tons of people. Have you found it successful?”

  I thought about it for a while. Although I had to admit that there were certain aspects of the counseling that had seemed beneficial, I had to give a vast majority of the credit to Ellie. She has been one of the sole reasons why losing Lilly didn’t kill me right along with her. Ellie breathed life back into me when I felt like I couldn’t stand to take another breath.

  “Yeah, it has helped.”

  “So, what brings you in here of all places?’ Mr. Ellis looked around at all the lit up cases in front of him.

  “Well, I need you to do something for me. Well, I need to see if you can do something for me.”

  “I’m sure we can, son. What is it?”

  I looked down at my hand resting on the case and then back up to him.

  “Can you make a piece of jewelry from another piece?”

  “Like add diamonds or something?” He asked.

  “Well, yes and no. Can you take something like a ring and make it into a pendant or something?”

  He looked down at my hand and then back to me.

  “You want me to…” he trailed off.

  “Yes.” I lifted my hands from the cases in front of me and then touched the ring on my left hand. I hadn’t taken it off since the day that Lilly put it on me. I never wanted to. Never thought I would ever want to.

  “I’d like to turn this ring into something. I don’t know, like a pendant or something that I could put on a necklace.”

  “Son, that is your wedding ring, are you absolutely sure you want to do that?”

  I took one last look at my ring. I felt a sense of freedom overcome me as if the tension I had been holding onto finally let go. I closed my eyes and whispered to Lilly. I thanked her for the life we had together and for giving me a life to have when she was gone. It’s weird and unexplainable, but I swear I could feel her smiling. I could see the happiness on her face through my closed eyes.

  “Evan?”

  “Yes. I’m absolutely sure.”

  I asked for a piece of paper and sketched out what I wanted him to do with the metal and the inscription I wanted him to engrave onto it.

  When I left, I knew.

  I had reached the thing that I have been working towards ever since I lost Lilly.

  Acceptance.

  But never in the process did I ever expect to find love.

  JOURNAL WEEK 4

  FRIDAY

  How do you feel about yourself today?

  Nervous. Today is the day that we meet one on one with Sandi about our journals and what we have learned in group over the last few months. As I flicked through this book looking at all my past entries, there is one thing that maintain constant in my thoughts and words on the page.

  Evan.

  Have you internally punished yourself today?

  Yes. Because I thought this journal was supposed to be about grieving for my husband. I thought it was to help me get over the fact he is gone and learn to accept it. For the most part it has, but it has become so much more than that. I can see over the last four weeks how I have so easily fallen in love with Evan. And it makes me feel so happy and sad at the same time.

  What did you do today to make you feel good?

  I woke up in Evan’s arms.

  “ARE YOU NERVOUS about talking to Sandi?” Evan asked me as we drove to the rec center for our meeting. Over the last week, our relationship had seemed to take a major shift. More often than not, my days were happy. I still thought about Jeremy, but somehow with Evan, I looked back on my life with Jeremy fondly instead of with sadness. I sought some comfort in the fact that I knew he wanted me to be happy.

  But as this day had grown clo
ser, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness fill me. I couldn’t help but have that sinking fear that as things got better and we have both come to accept the death of our spouses and learn to move on, that our newfound happiness was soon coming to an end.

  Nausea filled me again. It has been over a week since our plane ride and I was still suffering from the vertigo. It had lasted a while in the past, but I don’t remember it lasting quite this long. I have learned how to hide it over the last few days from Evan, but it was getting harder to do so. He was a doctor, he knew how to read the signs of pain or discomfort on peoples faces.

  “I guess so. I think I’m more afraid to share my thoughts with her.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “Do you think this is it? Do you think she will make us come back for next weeks session?” I asked as the thought of not being here with Evan made me feel even more physically ill. I could feel the saliva pool in my mouth and the bile threaten to rise in my stomach.

  He shrugged, acting nonchalant while I was over in my seat feeling like the windows were caving in on me.

  “I’m not sure. Do you feel ready? If it weren’t for you, Ell, I don’t think I would have made it this far.”

  His hand left the gearshift and came over to clasp mine, threading our fingers together. Even though it were only our palms facing each other, I felt our hearts join. I could feel the pulsing in his veins and it matched my own as if we were one beat. One rhythm.

  “I’m not sure.”

  We rode in silence the rest of the way to the rec center, still connected by the hands and too afraid to say anything else to each other. Emotions threatened to overwhelm me. Several times I had to look out of the window to hide the tears that began to form in my eyes.

  “Go on in, I need to use the restroom,” I told him and he nodded, kissing me on the cheek before heading to meet with the group. I barely made it into the restroom before the entire contents of my stomach came up. I have heard of people getting physically ill when they were emotionally spent, or nervous.

  “Ellie?” The sound of Sandi’s voice echoed off the walls of the bathroom. I turned over my shoulder to find her looking down on me with concern.

  “I’m okay, just feeling a little nauseous.”

  “Ellie, you got sick last week too. Are you sure you are okay? You could be really sick, maybe you should see a doctor, or I could go get Evan…”

  “No. Please no, don’t tell him. I don’t want him to worry.”

  “Ellie, there could be something really wrong, you should see someone.”

  “I know, I will, I promise. Please, just don’t say anything.”

  “Okay. I’ll meet you out with the group. We can do your one-one-one first if you want to leave a little early after the memorial activity.”

  “I rode with Evan.”

  “He can go early too.”

  “Thank you, Sandi.”

  She nodded, but not without a concerned look on her face. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. This wasn’t just any sickness.

  It was heartsickness, because I knew deep down, no matter how much I wanted to, it was all coming to an end.

  ***

  “ALRIGHT EVERYONE, I’M ready for our meetings. The rest of you can work on preparation for the memorial activity while I speak to you individually. Ellie, will you come and bring your journal with you?” I nodded and reached beneath my chair for my notebook when Evan’s hand encircled my wrist.

  “Are you okay? You were in the bathroom for a while.” His brows were furrowed and his mouth set in a hard line which always gave away that he was worried.

  “I’m fine. Sandi was in there, so we chatted for a bit.” I said telling the truth. Sort of.

  “You’d tell me if you still weren’t feeling well, right?”

  “Of course, Evan.” I lied.

  “Okay. Good luck, baby.”

  I smiled. Ever since I had told Evan that I liked hearing him call me baby, he said it a little more often now. For a few brief moments, it would allow me lock on to the happiness he has brought to my life, so that I could lock it away in my mind. I wanted to memorize every moment, every memory, touch, kiss, every word with Evan, so that when it came time to walk away, I would have them with me always.

  Sandi set up in one of the coaches offices of the rec center, with blinds closed and the door shut so that we would have privacy during our individual meetings.

  “So, what did you think of the journal activity?” She asked as we both took our seats facing each other.

  “I thought it was a great activity,” I said honestly. “It definitely helped me to recognize my thought patterns and what went through my head for the last four weeks.”

  “Good. And what kind of pattern did you find?”

  I felt my face flush with heat and a soft sheen of sweat coat my upper lip. The humidity in the small room did nothing to alleviate my anxiety. What would she think of me if I told her the truth? Would I be seen as a horrible person for developing feelings for someone so quickly after my husband’s death? I took a deep breath, thinking that telling her the truth may be the best thing for me.

  “Evan.”

  She arched her brows at me, but the small tug at the corner of her mouth told me she was trying to suppress a smile.

  “Go on,” she said, nodding her head at me.

  “Most of the thoughts and things that I experienced in the last month all had to do with Evan. Besides some pain that I would feel about missing Jeremy or fighting an inward battle about my feelings for Evan, most of the words are about how much he’s helped me. How much he has been there for me. And how much of the pain I have experienced goes away whenever we are together.”

  “You’ve developed feelings for him, yes?”

  I nodded, turning my face away from hers towards the door. I wanted to hide, to find sanctuary where I wouldn’t be judged for what I was feeling. It wasn’t like I could just turn off the feelings for Evan. They weren’t a light bulb that I could just switch off and on as I wished. My feelings for him have steadily increased with time to the point that they almost overshadowed the sadness I felt after losing Jeremy.

  Almost.

  “Ellie, it’s okay,” she said leaning over and placing her hand on mine where my fingers were knotted in my lap.

  I turned to look at her, tears threatening to spill from my eyes and my throat tightening.

  “It’s okay,” she repeated again, looking directly at me as the first tear trickled down my cheek.

  “I feel so guilty,” I sniffed. “I never meant to fall in love with him. It just…happened.”

  I exhaled long and slow, trying to gain control over my emotions. Subconsciously, my mind and heart have been secretly telling me that I was in love with Evan for a while now, but actually saying the words out loud hit me harder than expected. Not because they weren’t true, but because of the guilt.

  “You feel guilty because you fell in love with someone that isn’t your husband,” she said more as a statement than a question.

  “Yes,” I admitted, removing my hand from under hers and wiping the tears from my eyes. Sandi reached for a tissue box and handed it to me. My stomach began to turn again and I willed it to go away. The depression and anxiety were starting to take its toll on my body. I haven’t taken the best care of myself since Jeremy’s death and now I was feeling the consequences of it. I promised Evan I would tell him if I were feeling bad, but I just couldn’t. He had done so much for me already. I was so tired of him thinking that I was weak. Even though I knew he truly wouldn’t think that about me, I thought it about myself. I want to be stronger. I wanted to be worthy of his generosity and maybe if he felt the same way, his love.

  “You and Evan have spent the greater part of six months together. You have helped each other through one of the most difficult times of your life. It’s only natural that you two have grown close.”

  “But how do I know if it truly is love tha
t I’m feeling, or is it just that we feel connected because of what happened?”

  “You and Evan are connected because of what happened, but it’s more than that. I’ve gotten to know the both of you over the last few months. Even though most of our exercises were group oriented, the others may as well have been invisible. I would catch him daydreaming and looking at you when you weren’t watching. You would always smile or your eyes lit up when he would speak.”

  “My mom said something very similar,” I added.

  “Your mom must have seen it as well. So he’s met the parents then?”

  I nodded.

  “I’ve met his as well. They came down and spent the weekend with us.”

  “Ellie, know that the guilt you feel for loving Evan is natural too. You lost your husband, the person you thought was your soul mate and someone who you envisioned the rest of your life with. With his life cut so short, your plans for your future were interrupted. You feel like your life stopped the day Jeremy died, but since then you have begun living again. Your heart opened up to someone when you wanted nothing more than to keep it locked away forever.”

  I sniffled as more tears came. Every word she said was true.

  “Close your eyes, Ellie. Now, I want you to try and look ahead into your future. What is it you see? Who do you see in it? Where are you? Take a deep breath. Concentrate, and then tell me.”

  I inhaled long and slow as I closed my eyes. At first, my mind didn’t show me anything but the backs of my eyelids, until suddenly I was surprised to see that it was Evan who came to mind rather than Jeremy.

  “I see Evan. We are on the beach somewhere, but it’s not here. He’s holding my hand as we walk along the edge of the water, which is funny, because I have grown to hate the water.”

  “Go on,” she said when I paused.

  “We, we are just happy.”

  I opened my eyes and saw Sandi staring at me with a warm smile on her face. My eye brows knitted together as I tried to understand.