Survivor's Guilt

by Cassy Roop

  “Why do you think it was Evan that I saw and not Jeremy?”

  Sandi put the papers that were in her lap on the small desk in the room and stood up, reaching out for my hands to follow her. When I was on my feet, she pulled me into her embrace and I welcomed the comfort in which she was offering me.

  “Because Ellie, dear, you have come to accept Jeremy’s death and can see yourself moving on still loving him, but able to love someone new as well.”

  ACCEPTANCE

  I WAS NEXT TO TALK to Sandi after Ellie had finished. When Ellie and Sandi emerged from the office, Ellie’s eyes were red and bloodshot and Sandi was holding onto her as if she were fragile and would crumble to the floor without her support. I wanted to run to her instantly, gather her in my arms and hold her until I knew she was okay. I could tell she had been lying to me about how she was feeling. Normally her skin would shine with radiance, but ever since we returned home from North Carolina, she has had a dull, almost greyish tint to her. I was more concerned than ever having dealt with patients who tried to disguise their symptoms to me at the hospital. What terrified me the most was that Ellie’s new look was one that I had seen many times over in the cancer ward. Even though I specialized in pediatrics, I knew a sick person when I saw them.

  My mind worked into overdrive with the many different scenarios of what could be harming her. All of them, the outcomes weren’t what I had envisioned for the future. If losing Lilly wasn’t devastating enough, I couldn’t imagine losing another person I loved without irreparable consequences.

  “Evan, are you ready?” Sandi asked as she approached and Ellie excused herself to visit the restroom. I watched her leave until I could no longer see her, questioning whether I should go after her or go speak with Sandi.

  “She’ll be okay. I promise. Come with me please,” she said, resting a hand on my shoulder. Hesitantly, I followed Sandi into the office.

  “So, I’d ask you how your journal project went, but I kind of have a feeling I know already. But I guess I want to hear it from you first.”

  “I think it went well and was a good project. It did help me see where my thoughts have been for the last month.”

  “And what would those thoughts be?” She asked smiling and arching a brow at me. I smiled slightly. She knew something, but yet was acting like she didn’t.

  “Well, probably not who the focus of the assignment was supposed to be on.”

  “Evan, there was no main focus of this assignment other than for you to see the patterns of your thoughts and whether or not you were being harsh on yourself or if you were learning to accept the circumstances and move on,” she said. I looked towards the door as if expecting the object of my thoughts to walk in at any time.

  “Ellie. Most of my thoughts were of Ellie, but somehow I think you knew that.”

  “I did.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  She thought about it for a moment and when I didn’t think she was going to tell me, she began to speak.

  “I’d be blind if I didn’t notice how close you two have gotten. You have been living under the same roof for nearly six months. You’ve both been bonded by tragedy and developed a deep friendship because you both knew what the other was going through. But you also feel guilty, right?”

  I did. But did that also mean that Ellie was feeling guilt as well? Was she regretting our relationship and everything that happened between us even though she told me she wouldn’t?

  “Guilt, yes. But I think it has grown towards guilt that I don’t feel guilt anymore. I don’t feel guilty for loving her.”

  “You’re in love with her? So I take it that you have learned to accept Lilly’s death?”

  “Yes, but Lilly was the one who helped me accept it.”

  “Lilly?”

  “She came to me in a dream. Told me she wanted me to be happy, even encouraged me to develop something with Ellie. Honestly, it didn’t take much coaxing on my part. Don’t get me wrong, Sandi. I loved my wife. Still love her deeply, but somehow being with Ellie makes me forget the pain. It’s like she fills the void left behind by Lilly. I enjoy being with her. I enjoy listening just to hear her speak. I love looking at her because she is so beautiful. I crave being with her because she makes me feel wonderful.”

  “I’m really glad to hear that, Evan. I’ve watched you two over these last few months and I could feel the connection. Not only see it, but physically feel the connection. You bonded out of pain and with that, love was bloomed. Have you told her how you feel?”

  “No, I mean she knows I like her, but I haven’t told her that I’m in love with her.”

  She tapped her pencil against the notebook in her hand. If anything about Lilly’s death had any impact on me, it was realizing the fact that you shouldn’t let a day go by without telling someone you love them. You never know when the last time you ever get to say it will be.

  “You removed your wedding ring,” Sandi said as she pointed the pencil at my hand.

  “Yes. I did something with it for the memorial project.”

  She arched her brows at me in curiosity.

  “Most surviving partners tend to cling to their rings as a way to still feel connected to their loved one. Is that the case with you?”

  “In a way.”

  She chuckled.

  “I can see you aren’t going to tell me until we have the presentation, huh.”

  “You got it, Doc.”

  Standing, Sandi extended her hand to me and I stood up to shake it.

  “I wish you all the happiness in the world, Evan. I know losing Lilly was extremely difficult, but I can also see that you have accepted it in your heart and are prepared to continue on and live your life happily. That is what Lilly would have wanted, if she loved you half as much as you loved her.”

  “No doubt. Thank you, Sandi. For everything.”

  ***

  THERE WERE VERY FEW things in life where I felt teary-eyed, but listening to everyone in the group memorialize their loved one through song, poem, quotes, and many other ways had my throat tightening and tears threatening to form in my eyes. When Ellie and I started coming to these sessions, the pain and anguish in the room was so thick, it could have been cut with a knife.

  Finally it was my turn to remember my wife. I was nervous as my palms sweated and I rubbed them against my pants, making contact with the small leather pouch in my pocket.

  “Evan, how is it that you want to remember Lilly?” Sandi said to me and I could have sworn she winked at me, trying to offer me the confidence that I was lacking. When I decided on the way I was going to let Lilly live on, I thought it was the perfect idea. Now, I was feeling a little anxious about how people would see me when I did show them.

  I stood from my seat and walked up to the front of the group where Sandi had everyone sitting in a semi-circle.

  “Lilly was one of the most wonderful, kind, and caring women I have ever met. She was selfless, honorable and an all around amazing person to be around. I felt blessed to be a part of her life no matter how short our time was. There isn’t anything about our life together that I would trade.”

  I shoved my hands in my pockets and fumbled with the pouch in my pocket, trying to draw in Lilly’s strength to get my words out. I was terrified to do it, but I finally looked up and met Ellie’s eyes.

  “I had no clue that stepping on the boat that day would take the love of my life away from me. I never knew that my entire world was going to be ripped apart. You see, not only did I lose Lilly, but our unborn child as well. For a few hours, I was both a husband and a dad, and the high I felt during that time was unexplainable. But just as I never expected to lose someone I loved more than life, I never expected to find someone else who would give my life new meaning. I never pictured falling so completely in love with someone other than Lilly, but I did. I fell hard for this blue-eyed girl who also shared the same pain. She understood me, and just being in her presence made me want to live, when I should have
felt like dying.”

  I pulled the pouch from my pocket and tugged at the string to open it before tipping it over and spilling the contents into my hand. Cold metal rested in my palm. A heart pendant was connected to a chain and I looked down at it, admiring it for about the millionth time.

  It wasn’t any heart, but a broken one. Cracks zig zagged down the center indicating that the heart had once been shattered. The only thing that was holding it together was the small piece of metal that connected to two pieces. In the center of that strip was a single solitaire diamond.

  “I never thought that the pieces of my heart would ever be mended, that they would be broken forever. That is until I had to chase this crazy woman out into the middle of the ocean with a Jet Ski.”

  Ellie chuckled, but was furiously wiping at her eyes. Sandi reached over and clasped her hand, giving it a small squeeze. Never taking my eyes off Ellie, I walked over to where I was standing in front of her.

  “A diamond is one of the strongest natural materials on earth. They are rare, valuable, and very precious. They are built from pressure, and from that pressure a beautiful gem emerges. I can honestly say that coping with the pressure of losing my wife was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to overcome, but it was the journey I have taken these last few months that has made me more valuable. What made it valuable was that I didn’t have to do it alone.”

  I held up the necklace for everyone to see, allowing the pendant to dangle at the end of the chain.

  “This particular diamond is the reason that these two pieces of this broken heart are mended. Although cracks remain, and they always will, the diamond has secured it together, never to be broken apart again.”

  I knelt down in front of Ellie who was close to sobbing as her hands covered her mouth and tears continued to cascade down her cheeks.

  “Ellie, you are the strong diamond that has pulled my broken heart back together. You have mended pieces of me when I never thought it could be possible. Lilly showed me what it was like to love, but it is you who has taught me how to love again. It probably sounds crazy, but Lilly has been your biggest cheerleader from the beginning. I feel as if it were her that brought you to me. There are pieces of her that I see in you. Your kindness, your generosity. Your ability to want me to be happy even when you were dying inside. I never knew that losing one love would lead me to an even greater one. I had this made from my wedding band. I want you to have it. I want you to know that no matter what, it was you who healed me.” I handed the necklace to Ellie who took it from me with trembling hands.

  “Oh my God,” Ellie said as she covered her face and huge sobs erupted. I watched as her shoulders heaved with each breath she took. In that moment, my heartbeat was on hold waiting for her response.

  “I—excuse me,” she said as she suddenly shot up from her chair and ran out of the rec room. I collapsed into the floor, falling on my ass, not having the strength to stay on my knees any longer. I watched her run away.

  I sat there on the floor not sure what to think. All I knew was that my heart was still waiting to start beating again.

  WAITING

  “ELLIE, ARE YOU OKAY?” Sandi asked as she knocked on the stall door I was in. Her soft voice could be heard all throughout the bathroom. Luckily, I had gotten sick before she had entered. I didn’t want to worry her any more that I already had.

  “I’m okay. I just need a moment.”

  “Honey, Evan wants to talk to you. Want me to let him in?”

  “No. I—I can’t see him right now. Please. Please tell him I’ll meet him at home.”

  “Okay. Do you need anything?”

  “No. I’m fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  I heard the door open and close along with the sound of muffled voices. I knew that Evan was hurting by the way I ran off. His words, God, they gutted me. Reached inside of me and secured a permanent place in my heart that no one had ever been able to get to. Not even Jeremy. But even his words wouldn’t be able to ease the heartache I would feel when I finally had to leave him and go back to North Carolina. I wanted to be near my family. He wanted to be near his. His job kept him in Miami, mine Raleigh. As much as I wanted to be with him, needed him, I could never ask him to give up his life in order to be with me. I also couldn’t have him continue to take care of me financially like he has been since my savings ran out. Even though he didn’t say it, his words felt very close to a declaration of love. The part of me that was in love with him was never happier, but the masochist part of me told me that he just felt sorry for me, or maybe felt obligated. Losing one love was hard enough, I didn’t think I would survive losing a second.

  And that was the reason why I had to walk away while I still had the courage to do so.

  ***

  “SHE WANTS YOU TO MEET her at home.”

  “Sandi, I—I need to speak to her please. I need her to understand— ”

  “She understands, Evan. I think she is just feeling overwhelmed. She loves you too, you know. Just give her a little space to come to terms with your confession, which was beautiful by the way.”

  “I—I dammit.”

  Sandi placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

  “Go home. Wait for her,” she smiled and all I could do was nod in return. I looked once more at the bathroom door, begging and pleading with it to open. I was desperate to see her face peek out from the other side and run into my arms, but seconds turned into a minute and when I realized she wasn’t coming out, I turned around and walked out to my car feeling defeated.

  When I made it home, I sat on the couch for hours in the unlit living room. Each settle of the house or car that drove by had me hoping it was her about to walk in the door. Sandi had told me to come home and wait for Ellie. Little did I know, that’s all I would be doing.

  BACK TO REALITY

  I STARED AT THE PHONE that was ringing for the millionth time in the past few weeks. Each ring was like a stabbing pain in my heart, and the silence when it stopped was even worse. The calls had grown less frequent since they first began and I hoped that it was finally helping both him and myself to be able to once again pick up and move on.

  “Honey, eventually you are going to have to talk to him.”

  “It won’t do any good, Momma. There’s no way it would ever work. His life is there, my life is here.”

  “Ellison, it doesn’t matter if you think it would work or not. When two people love each other, they make it work.”

  “It’s just better this way.”

  “Yeah, because you clearly look better. Look at you, baby. You are making yourself physically ill from all of this.”

  I glared at my mother as she handed me a cup of warm tea. It was the only thing I seemed to be able to handle at the moment. My stomach growled with hunger, but I wasn’t hungry, not for food anyway. If I said I didn’t miss Evan, it would be a complete lie. Being apart from him these last few weeks since I returned to North Carolina have been more than difficult. Amazingly, I was able to return to the home that Jeremy and I shared together without any hesitation or remorse on my part. Sandi was telling the truth when she told me I had finally accepted Jeremy’s death, and I had. But accepting walking away from Evan? I don’t think I would ever be able to do that.

  “It’s just a bad virus, “ I repeated for the hundredth time over the last few days. I knew my mom’s intentions were good, but all I wanted was to be alone to fester in my own thoughts. I wanted my subconscious to crucify me for walking away, I deserved it for not only hurting Evan, but myself in the process.

  “Must be some virus to last this long without the symptoms letting up,” my mom mocked. My face flushed with heat as anger began to rise.

  “It’s my decision. I’ve already lost one love of my life, I couldn’t go through that again. I barely survived the pain the first time.”

  “And what makes you think you would lose Evan? Honey, you spent six months with him. You fell in love with the odds of your pain against you. He fell i
n love with you when he felt like his heart was broken irreparably. I think that makes you two that much stronger.”

  I sat my tea down on the table and removed the blanket from my legs. Even though it was still relatively warm outside, my bones were cold, and not entirely from the temperature of the air. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, with no way to be able to turn it around. Every time I asked myself what it was that I really wanted, it was Evan who I saw. It was Evan who I needed, and I had no way of knowing how to let that go.

  “I’ve made my choice,” I said as I rose quickly to my feet. I loved my mom more than anything, but her daily visits to my house were starting to take their toll on my emotions. It was the same go-around every visit.

  “Woah,” I said as I placed my hand on the arm of the couch trying to steady myself.

  “Ellie, honey? What’s wrong?” I could hear my mother ask as she rushed to my side. I tried to look up at her, but just the action of moving my head made me even dizzier. My vision began to cloud over as the world around me was spinning.

  “Mom, I don’t feel so well,” I said just before my muscles gave out and darkness consumed me.

  ***

  TWO WEEKS.

  I haven’t seen or heard her in two weeks. Fourteen days. One-hundred and sixty-eight hours.

  The last memory of Ellie I had was when she ran from the room as I all but declared my love for her, leaving my heart aching with the need to know she felt the same way.

  I returned to work a week ago, trying to drown myself in work so that thoughts of Ellie didn’t consume me. I busied myself by taking extra shifts and extra caseloads so that I didn’t have a single moment where my thoughts would pause long enough to think about her. The only thing that it did was leave me exhausted at night, yet still not able to close my eyes because there she was as soon as I did.