Trade Off

by Cheryl Douglas

  Muriel chuckled. “Hell, if you can’t yell at your own family when you’re having a bad day, what’s the sense of keeping them around?”

  Sela giggled through her tears, grateful that she could smile even on the second most miserable day of her life.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Aiden drove by Sela’s office early the next morning and wasn’t surprised to find her car in the lot. He hadn’t been able to sleep, and he suspected she hadn’t either. Neither one of them would find a moment’s peace until they agreed to sort this mess out and put the past to rest.

  The front door was unlocked and he could smell the coffee brewing down the hall. He tapped his knuckles against her closed office door and held his breath, waiting for her response.

  “Come in.”

  He poked his head in the door. “You sure about that?”

  “Aiden.” She turned away from her computer and frowned. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to talk to you about that house… if it’s still available?”

  “I assume it is. Let me check.” She tapped a few keys on the keyboard and pulled up the listing for his dream home. “The status hasn’t changed, so that’s a good thing. If you still want to make an offer on it, I can text the listing agent to make sure it’s still available.”

  “That’d be great, thanks.” He sat down in the guest chair across from her as she texted the other agent.

  She looked up at him and asked, “Would you like some coffee?”

  “I’d love some, thanks.” He forced a smile. “I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

  “Neither did I. That’s why I’m here so early.” She refreshed the screen she’d been looking at when he walked in and a listing for a luxury condo appeared. “It’s time for me to start looking for a new place. I’m going to have my team go out to my house today and start taking the pictures and measurements for the listing. Hopefully, it won’t take too long to sell. It’s in a sought-after area, but nothing’s a sure thing in this market.”

  “Are you sad… about endin’ your marriage?”

  “No, it was long overdue. I’m sure Neil and I will remain friends. We both want the divorce to be as quick and painless as possible.” She stood up. “Let me get you that coffee. You still take it the same way… single sugar and cream?”

  He smiled, in spite of his melancholy mood. “You remembered.”

  Without another word, she walked out of the office and he gave in to the urge to turn and watch her leave. In spite of what he’d learned yesterday, he still had feelings for her. But trusting her was another issue entirely.

  Sela returned a moment later with a white ceramic mug and handed it to him before she resumed her post behind the desk that created a safe barrier between them. She glanced at her cell phone. “Oh good, he responded. The house is still available. If you’d feel more comfortable working with someone else on this—”

  “No!” He took a sip of the coffee as he bought a few seconds to collect himself. “I’d like you to present the offer.”

  “Okay, would you like to make any changes before I arrange the meeting?”

  “Yes. I want to offer the full askin’ price, no conditions, immediate possession.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise. “Are you serious? Why would you want to do that?”

  “I don’t want to risk losin’ something else I want because I didn’t have the good sense to act in time.” Their eyes met and the unspoken message was clear. Losing out on a pile of bricks and mortar would never compare to the loss he felt when he learned she’d married someone else, but he still wasn’t willing to risk it.

  “I would suggest keeping the condition about the home inspection. I don’t foresee any issues, but you can’t be too careful.” She looked up from the file she held in her hand. “I’d hate to see you make a mistake.”

  He reached across the desk and grabbed her hand. “Yesterday you asked me if I hated you. I don’t. I could never hate you.”

  She pushed away from her desk and stood up. “I’d rather not talk about that today, if you don’t mind. I have enough to deal with right now. Please, excuse me. I’ll be right back.”

  Aiden stared at the watercolor painting on the wall behind her desk. It was a young woman with long dark hair, wearing a flowing white dress that got lost amidst the wildflowers at her feet. Her hands cradled her gently protruding stomach as she stared out at the crystal-clear water of a small lake. Aiden knew instinctively that Sela had painted that piece. The woman was undoubtedly her, and he’d recognize that setting anywhere. It was the lake where they spent so many endless summer days, swimming, sunning, sharing a picnic, and planning their future. When night finally fell, they’d build a bonfire and lay a blanket on the sand as they listened to the music filtering through the speakers of his truck. Before long, they’d fall asleep beneath a sky filled with stars and wake up just in time to watch the sunrise.

  She walked into the room and stopped in the doorway when she saw him fixated on the painting. “Um, sorry that took so long.”

  He reluctantly tore his gaze away from the piece surrounded by an intricate gold frame. “I didn’t know you still painted.”

  “I do, from time to time. Sometimes it helps to…” She shrugged. “I don’t know. Some people journal to get their thoughts out. I paint.”

  “You’re so talented.” He had always been amazed by her natural ability as an artist, but her practical parents insisted she pursue a path more likely to put food on the table, so her art was relegated to the back burner. “Do you ever wish you’d pursued it as a career?”

  “No. I’m happy doing what I do.” She sat down in her swivel chair. “Now, about that offer—”

  “Tell me about that piece. When you painted it, what you were thinkin’…”

  “I’d rather not.”

  “Please, I need to know what was goin’ through your mind when you made the decision to keep my baby from me.”

  She closed her eyes and leaned back into the cushion of the leather chair. “It was my fault I got pregnant. That weekend we spent in Vancouver, I, uh, forgot my pills. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you’d be angry with me. By the time I realized it, all of the drug stores were closed, so we couldn’t go out and buy condoms. You’d gone to so much trouble to plan an amazing weekend, and I couldn’t even remember my pills.” She rolled her eyes. “What an idiot I was.”

  He thought back to that weekend. It was their last weekend together before he signed the contract that would take him away from her. They both knew their lives were about to change, and they’d made love countless times that weekend, almost as though they were intent on solidifying the bond they shared the only way they knew how.

  “Anyone could have made that mistake, Sela.”

  “But I should have told you.” She sighed. “I just didn’t want to ruin the time we had left arguing. You were under stress trying to figure out where you were going, and I was trying to decide how to build a life that wasn’t centered around you anymore.”

  “I was so focused on my career, I wasn’t thinkin’ about how it affected you. I’m sorry about that. I was really selfish.”

  “No, you weren’t. Anyone would have felt the same way in your position.” She turned her chair to face the painting hanging on the wall behind her. “Shortly after I found out about the baby, I went to the lake and just sat there for hours, trying to figure out how I was going to tell you.” She reached into a small locked drawer in her desk. “I wrote this letter to you that day.”

  With trembling hands, he reached across the desk to retrieve the unmarked, worn envelope she offered.

  Dear Aiden,

  I’ve been missing you like crazy since you left. I’ve tried to be brave when we spoke on the phone because I didn’t want to worry you or bring you down. I know how hard you’ve worked for this opportunity, and I wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin it for you.

  I have some news…incredible, exciting, terrifying ne
ws. I’m having a baby. The truth is, I’m scared out of my mind, but I don’t want to give him or her away. I just can’t. My parents think adoption is the only option, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep this baby. Even if I have to do it alone.

  I know this was never part of our plan. I was supposed to go to college first, and you were going to work for a few years before we started planning our wedding. We wanted to travel during the off-season and just enjoy being together for a few years before we had a baby.

  I’m not asking you to support me or our child. I just wanted you to know. Whether you choose to be a part of his or her life is up to you.

  I love you,

  Sela

  Aiden’s hands shook as he stuffed the worn letter back into the envelope and slid it across the desk. “Jesus, why didn’t you ever send this to me? You have to know it would have changed everything.”

  She ran her hand over the crinkled, non-descript envelope. “That’s what I was afraid of. When you found out I’d forgotten my pills and failed to tell you, I was worried you may think that I was trying to trap you with a baby you weren’t ready for.”

  He couldn’t hide the shock as her accusation registered. “You can’t be serious. I loved you. You knew I wanted to marry you. Christ, Sela, we’d been together a long time. You were the only girl I’d ever been with.”

  “I know, but you just got that big contract, and I was stuck here, working part-time at the record store to make money for books and parking. I thought it might seem like…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, like I was looking for an easy way out.”

  “I thought you knew me better than that. I loved you. My family loved you. No one would’ve accused you of gettin’ pregnant on purpose.”

  “I heard what you said to Neil the night before you left,” she said quietly. “You were looking forward to putting some distance between us.”

  “I thought I was, but when I got out there…” He knew he wasn’t getting through to her, so he got up and went around to her side of the desk. Getting down on one knee, he braced his hands on her armrests. “I was miserable without you, baby. I fell asleep thinkin’ about you every night. We’d get off the phone, and I’d feel sick, ’cause I knew you were slippin’ away from me and I didn’t know what the hell to do to get you back.”

  She tried to turn her head away, but he captured her face in his hands. “After I overheard your conversation with Neil, I thought it was only a matter of time before you figured out how to let me down easy. I knew you were going to break up with me, I just didn’t know when.”

  “God, breakin’ up with you was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to be with you, all the time, but I knew that wasn’t possible. I wanted to ask you to come out and be with me, but you had school and your friends and family here. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to take you away from that so you could spend most of your time in an empty apartment just waitin’ on me to come home.”

  She glanced up at the picture on the wall. “You wanted to know what I was thinking when I painted that. I was envisioning what our child would be like as an infant, a toddler, a pre-schooler.” Her bottom lip began to tremble. “I hate that we never got to find out. That was my fault too, if I hadn’t—”

  He silenced her the only way he knew how, by pressing a tender kiss to her lips. After all the time that had passed, the anguish and bitterness between them, he never expected her to welcome him, but she did.

  She wrapped her arms around his neck, slid her tongue over the seam of his lips, and he was suddenly absorbed in the gentle caress of her hands delving into his hair, her mouth slowly exploring his, and the whisper of her soft sigh of contentment getting lost in his growing desire for her.

  As though she suddenly remembered everything he’d almost made her forget, she fixed her hands on his shoulders and pushed him away. “I’m sorry, we shouldn’t. I can’t…”

  “It’s okay,” he said, brushing his lips back and forth over her cheek, her ear, her neck. “This is me, baby. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you, never push you further than you’re willin’ to go.”

  “I know.” She tried to slide her chair back to put some distance between them, but he refused to let her escape. “I just need—”

  “I know what you need—time to figure things out. So do I, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna let you get away without tellin’ you how much I missed doin’ that.”

  A trace of a smile crossed her lips. “Me too.”

  “Good.” He dropped one more kiss on her lips before he stood up. “And just so ya know, that won’t be the last time.”

  By the time Sela excused herself to refresh her coffee, she could barely breathe. He’d kissed her, or she’d kissed him. Either way, they shared a kiss, and it was so much sweeter because she never expected to have the only man she ever loved back in her arms again, especially not after he learned the truth. But here he was, in her office, her life, promising to follow that incredible kiss up with another. Her stomach tingled with excitement when she thought about where this might be going. He didn’t tell her he forgave her or he understood the choices she made, but he didn’t hate her, and that was a start.

  She walked back into the office, trying to pretend her legs weren’t trembling as she reached for her cell phone. “They’ll be here in about an hour. We need to amend the offer before they get here.” No one else would show up for half an hour, which meant she had to push everything else aside and focus on the task at hand. She’d prepared dozens of offers, but she hadn’t been overwrought at the time.

  Aiden sat back to study her, a smile on his lips, as though he knew the effect his presence was having on her. “You look a little stressed. Anything I can do to help with that?”

  “I’m fine.” She smiled when he laughed at her. “Okay, maybe I’m not fine. Too little sleep and too much caffeine tends to have this effect on me.”

  “I remember.” He moved in behind her chair, brushed her hair to the side, and began working the stiff muscles in her neck and shoulders. “Remember when we used to stay up half the night before an exam? We were supposed to be studying, but I couldn’t keep my hands off you long enough to get any work done.”

  “How could I forget?” she whispered. She told herself she needed to focus on changing the clauses in the contract, but she couldn’t think about anything but his magic fingers dissolving her tension. “God, that feels so good.”

  He sat down on the desk and shifted her chair so he could continue to provide the decadent massage. “You’re wound so tight.” He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “You know what you need to help you relax, don’t you?”

  She wished she’d worn anything other than the gauzy tank that revealed her beaded nipples. “Aiden, I…”

  “Has it been a long time?” She felt his hands tighten around her shoulders. “Since you and he made love?”

  She couldn’t believe he had the audacity to ask her that question, but no topic had ever been off limits during their relationship. “It’s been a long, long time.”

  “Why?”

  Sela shrugged. She felt disloyal, talking to her ex-boyfriend about the man she was preparing to divorce, but she knew she had a long road ahead of her if she wanted to earn Aiden’s trust. If he wanted to hear about the intimate details of her life since they’d been apart, she would acquiesce. There was little she wouldn’t do to repair the rift between them. “I knew he was with other women. It didn’t feel right. Maybe I worried about whether he was being careful.”

  “Have you been tested, just to be sure?”

  “Of course I have. Just last month in fact.”

  “Good. I’d have to kill him if he did anything to hurt you.”

  Sela held the hand gripping her shoulder. “You don’t have to protect me anymore, you know. I’m a big girl now. I can take care of myself.”

  “Old habits die hard, beautiful.”

  She closed her eyes when she heard the familiar endearment. He always used to call her th
at, usually in the heat of an intimate moment. “Aiden…” She didn’t know what she wanted to say. So many thoughts and feelings fought to escape the confines of her jumbled mind. Her love for him, the sorrow over the years they’d lost, the pain she still felt when she thought about how much her deceit cost them. “I hate that I hurt you. You’ll never know how sorry I am.” His hands fell to his sides, and she immediately wished she hadn’t re-opened the wound. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  He crossed his arms and stared at her. “So, why did you?”

  “Because we can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

  “Can’t we?”

  Part of her wanted to try, if he was willing, but she knew if they didn’t deal with their issues, they would claim their happiness again someday. Losing him once was bad enough, a second time would be unbearable.

  “I can’t.” She reached for his hands, saying a silent prayer of gratitude when he didn’t pull away. “I want to make amends for the past. I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive me, or trust me again, or whether you even want to try, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make up for the mistakes I’ve made.”

  He withdrew a hand from hers to brush his fingertips over her cheek. “You don’t know how much I want to pretend this never happened. I’ve wasted so much time wishin’ we could get back what we had, and now that it’s a real possibility, I realize we can’t go back.”

  She knew he was right, but hearing they’d passed the point of no return still hurt. They weren’t idealistic kids anymore. They were adults who’d lead separate lives for a long time. “I’d like us to try and be friends, if you think that’s possible?”

  “Friends, huh?” He smiled. “It’s a start.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Aiden struggled to sit still as he waited for Sela to return with the good news that he’d just bought a house. He couldn’t imagine the sellers would argue with his conditions since he was offering the full asking price. The only issue may be the fact that he requested a quick closing, but he was willing to negotiate.