Trade Off

by Cheryl Douglas

  He glanced at Sela’s computer screen and saw the condo she’d been looking at earlier. It was small, barely more than seven hundred square feet with one bedroom and one and a half baths. At least it was in a newer building with twenty-four hour security. He questioned what he would do with all of the wasted space in his own house. Five bedrooms and baths were too many for a man living alone. That house needed a large family to feel like a home again.

  He wondered if Sela had ever thought about adopting a baby with Neil. Just thinking about it left a rancid taste in his mouth, and he wondered if he could ever leave the past where it belonged so he and Sela could find their way back to each other.

  “It’s a done deal,” she said, grinning as she came through the door. “Congratulations.”

  “Yes!”

  He picked her up and spun her around in a low circle as she threw her head back and laughed at his enthusiasm. The sight of her happy, carefree, and lost in his arms reminded him that everything he’d ever wanted was still within his reach; all he had to do was take it. His mouth came down on hers, hard and possessive, as he tried to erase the memory of the man who’d come between them. His hands were everywhere, in her hair, skimming her face, her breasts, cupping her bottom, and finally struggling to free the button securing her skirt so he could take what they both wanted.

  “Aiden,” she said, striving to catch her breath as she reached for his hands. “Sex won’t solve our problems. It won’t make you forget what I did, and it won’t change the fact that I’m still married to another man.”

  “Goddammit,” he muttered, trying to catch his breath. “Why the hell are you even thinkin’ about him?”

  “Because he’s still my husband.” She took a step back and tried to restore order to her tangled waves. “You need to understand, I’ll always care about what happens to him. He was there when I needed someone, and—”

  “And I wasn’t, isn’t that what you were thinkin’?” He shoved his hands in his pockets because, more than anything, he wanted to hold her again, and this time he didn’t want to let go.

  “What? No! I wasn’t thinking that at all.” She sighed. “You left because you had to. I don’t blame you for that.”

  “Are you sure?” He still blamed himself for putting his career above her. If he’d stayed, she wouldn’t have married Neil, and maybe, just maybe, they wouldn’t have lost their baby.

  “Of course I’m sure. I blame myself for what happened, not you.”

  “I blame him.” He knew it wasn’t entirely Neil’s fault, but blaming someone else helped to ease some of his frustration. “He moved in on you first chance he got.”

  She leaned on the edge of the desk and looked up at him. “That’s not the way it was. You and I were drifting apart, you admitted as much earlier. You had your life in Vancouver, and I had my life here. We couldn’t have made a long-distance relationship work. Even if I hadn’t gotten pregnant—”

  “Do you have a picture?” He didn’t know why he wanted to see it when just thinking about it tore him up inside. “An ultrasound picture… Do you have one?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to—”

  “Yeah, well, you don’t get to decide!” he shouted. He suddenly had so much rage pulsing through his body he didn’t know how to contain it. Every time he thought about the life they’d lost, he just wanted to hit something. “Because of you, our baby is gone, and—”

  Her shoulders slumped as her head fell forward.

  “Jesus, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  She raised her hand. “Yes, you did. You hold me responsible for what happened to our son.” She looked up at him and the pain twisting her features ravaged him. “So do I. I always will.”

  “Please, don’t.” He wanted to say or do something to put the sparkle back in her eye, but he feared he’d stepped across the line, and he couldn’t undo the damage. “I’m still tryin’ to come to terms with everything, Sela. I mean, you hit me with this out of nowhere, and…” He wanted to drop to his knees and retract the ugly words that had hurt her, but he knew there was no forgiveness to be had in the small room that was suddenly closing in on them.

  “I think you’d better go. I have a lot of work to do.” She moved to the other side of her desk and eyed the blinking cell phone on her desk. “My office will need a certified check as soon as possible. Corine can give you the details on your way out.”

  “That’s it?” He wanted to say or do something to erase the vacant look in her eye, but he didn’t feel equipped to ease her sorrow when his own was still so palpable. “We’re just gonna move on with our lives and pretend these feelings between us don’t exist?”

  “We can’t live in the past.” She looked him in the eye. “I’ve wasted too many years wishing I could change things, blaming myself for being imperfect.” She took a deep breath. “I’m tired of living this way. The divorce is for the best. It has nothing to do with you. Even if you hadn’t come back to town when you did, I still wouldn’t have gone with Neil.”

  “So you’re gonna pretend that my bein’ back in town doesn’t matter?”

  “Nashville is your home as much as mine. You belong here, with the people who love you.” She forced a smile and extended her hand. “You’re a good man, and I want you to be happy. I don’t hold you responsible for anything that happened, and maybe you’ll be able to forgive me eventually as well.”

  He knew she wanted him to take her hand, but the polite gesture seemed too impersonal. He wouldn’t allow her to negate their past with a respectful dismissal and a few kinds words intended to soften the blow. “Is this supposed to be some kind of closure? ‘Cause it ain’t workin’ for me.”

  She let her hand fall to her side. “Closure’s a myth in my opinion. Some things are destined to remain an open wound forever. I’m convinced our relationship is one of those things.”

  “We have another chance,” he said, quietly. “We can fight for what we want this time.”

  Sela closed her eyes briefly before she sat down. “No, we can’t. We can’t erase the past, no matter how much we might want to.” She looked up at him. “And believe me, I want to.”

  “I said some things I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” Growing up, his parents had always told him a sincere apology had the power to bridge most gaps, but the void between them felt deep and dark enough to get lost in.

  “Please, don’t be sorry. I think we’ve both wasted enough time on recriminations and regrets. Can’t we just agree to let go?”

  He knew she was asking for him to free her from the love still connecting them, but he couldn’t do it. “I’m not ready to let go, Sela. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to let you go.”

  “I’m ready… more than ready.”

  Hearing her say those words, whether she meant them or not, felt like she’d stabbed him in the back. “You don’t mean that, you can’t mean that. Look, I know it might take some time to figure things out, but—”

  “You don’t get it, do you?” She pressed a palm to her forehead. “I’m tired, so tired. I’ve spent my life trying to do the right thing. I wanted to be a daughter my parents could be proud of, a wife Neil could trust, an employer people could count on, but somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I need to figure out how to get that back. I need to decide what I want. Can’t you understand that?”

  No, he couldn’t understand how she expected to find happiness without him when they’d both been going through the motions for the past eight years, trying to figure out how to live apart. “We were best friends, first and foremost. Maybe if we start there again, we could—”

  She held her hand up to silence him. “I can’t be your friend.” She propped her chin in her upturned hand and looked at him a long time before she spoke again. “Just a little while ago, I was so excited because I thought maybe, just maybe, you could learn to forgive me and trust me again, but I realize now that’s not possible.”

  “How can
you say that? One stupid slip-up, and—”

  “It was more than that and you know it. You blame me for everything, getting pregnant, not telling you about it, marrying Neil, staying married to him, all of it. And you know what? You’re absolutely right. I’ve made some dreadful mistakes, and as long as you’re in my life, those mistakes will define me.”

  Panic tightened around his chest, making it difficult to breathe. He’d walked in here uncertain about what he wanted, but now that he knew, she seemed intent on telling him it was the one thing he couldn’t have. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

  “I’m human. I’ve screwed up. A lot. Probably more than most people. But does that mean I don’t have the right to be happy?”

  “Of course not.”

  “If I take the time to heal, to sort out my life, and figure out where to go from here, I have a shot at happiness again. I’ve learned from my mistakes, Aiden. I’ve learned that trust and honesty are the foundation of any solid relationship.” She smirked. “I sure as hell didn’t know that at eighteen, but then, who does?”

  He knew she didn’t expect an answer, which was for the best, since he couldn’t seem to find the words to halt her speech, no matter how much he wanted to. He didn’t want to hear this. He wasn’t ready to accept that it was over. Their last chance to be together, obliterated in a moment of anger.

  “Maybe somewhere down the road, when I’ve figured out how to be happy with myself, I can use the lessons I’ve learned and apply them to a new relationship.”

  His hands curled into fists at his sides. “Don’t say that.” The thought of her being married to Neil stung, but now he knew they’d never shared the kind of love or passion that had defined their relationship. The notion that there could be another man out there, just waiting to steal his status as her soul mate, made him feel physically sick. “Don’t even think that.”

  “I’ll always love you,” she whispered. “But I can’t be with you. Not now. Not ever. Too much has happened between us.”

  Quitting wasn’t part of his make-up. As a professional athlete, he’d learned to fight through injuries, fear, fatigue, and depression. Giving up on her, on them, wasn’t an option. “I don’t believe that.”

  “Every time you look at me, you see the girl I was at eighteen, the girl you loved. What you don’t realize is I’m not that girl anymore, and I don’t want to be. I want to move forward, not back.”

  “Why can’t you move forward with me?” He would give every last dollar he’d ever made to earn just one more chance to prove to her that it wasn’t too late for them to make their dreams come true.

  “Because we’re stuck in the past. Since you came back to town, we haven’t talked about the present or the future; it’s all been about the past, the people we used to be.”

  He hated to admit that she was right, but he couldn’t deny it. “We can change that. We can redefine our relationship, starting now.”

  She smiled. “Some relationships aren’t supposed to be redefined. They’re meant to run their course, to teach you something about who you are or who you want to be, and then they’re over. They become a nice memory, a snapshot in time that you pull out of an old photo album, and it makes you smile because you remember how much that person meant to you once upon a time.”

  “I hate this,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “I hate hearin’ that resignation in your voice, as though this is a done deal. It’s not. It can’t be. I won’t let it be.”

  She got up and walked toward him. Stopping just shy of stepping into his arms, she looked up at him, her eyes locking with his. “We didn’t resolve things the way we should have when we broke up, Aiden. I didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth then, but I do now.” She reached for his hands and he felt the tremble that told him this wasn’t as easy as she would have him believe. “The truth is, you taught me the meaning of love. You showed me that loving someone sometimes means making sacrifices, and the kind of relationship I want to have requires honesty and trust. You don’t trust me anymore, and I understand why.”

  “You don’t know—?”

  She pressed a finger against his lips. “Please, don’t pretend otherwise. This is the time for us to be honest with each other. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m with you.”

  Just when he thought she couldn’t hurt him any more than she already had, she did. “How can you say that?”

  “I feel sad and guilty all the time when you’re around. I’ve had enough sadness and guilt. Looking at you reminds me of the very worst time in my life, and until I let go of that, I’ll never be able to find happiness. To be honest with you, I didn’t even think I deserved to be happy until I re-read the letter I shared with you today.”

  He glanced at the envelope she’d left on the desk earlier. “That’s what set this whole thing in motion? That’s what made you question whether you and I could have a shot at a future together?”

  “No, it just reminded me of how I felt back then. I didn’t set out to hurt you. I was a scared kid stuck in an impossible situation. I loved my baby and my boyfriend. I wanted to protect everyone, but as it turns out, I couldn’t protect anyone, including myself.”

  He gripped her shoulders, barely resisting the urge to shake some sense into her. How could she think about closure when they still had a lifetime ahead of them? “If you’d told me, I would’ve protected you, both of you, but you didn’t give me the chance.” He muttered a curse when he realized he was digging himself a deeper hole by continuing to place the blame squarely on her shoulders. “Look, I’m sorry. None of that matters now—”

  “Yes, it does, and it always will. That’s my point, Aiden. That period of time defined who we are now. I learned so much from that experience, but I’m ready to let it go now. When I’m ready to find love again, and I believe I will be someday, I want that man to look at me and see a strong, capable woman, not a constant reminder of bitter memories.”

  “How can you say that?” he said, barely able to keep the rising panic out of his voice. “You’re so much more than that to me. I have the best memories of the time we spent together.”

  She smiled as a tear slid down her cheek. “If that’s true, then I’d like to leave it at that. Please.”

  Aiden drove around for hours before he finally pulled up in front of Sela’s childhood home and cut his engine. The Clarkes were like family to him. As an impressionable teen, Mr. Clarke helped to shape the man he became almost as much as his own father had.

  Standing on the front porch of the old two-story home that was his home away from home during his teen years, he glanced down the street and could almost picture him and his friends playing ball hockey on the boulevard. He’d often bring Sela home and meet up with the guys while Sela did her homework, confident in the knowledge he would always be a welcome guest at the Clarkes’ dinner table.

  He and Sela had their whole lives mapped out back then. It wasn’t a question of if they would marry and start a family, but when. Their friends and family accepted it as a done deal, and Aiden knew he made the mistake of taking their relationship for granted. It never even occurred to him that something could happen to derail their plans.

  Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to ring the doorbell. He had no idea how Sela’s parents would feel about the man who got their daughter pregnant and left town to pursue his own dreams. If only he’d known about the baby, things would have been so different. True, he may not have accepted the offer and moved to Vancouver, but it would have been worth the sacrifice because he would be married to the love of his life now, instead of grasping to come to terms with the fact that he may have lost her all over again.

  Muriel Clarke opened the door and the years melted away. She was his other mother in the stands at all his games, cheering him on and heckling the referee, alongside her husband, son, and daughter. Aiden hadn’t realized until that moment it wasn’t only the void Sela created in his life that left him feeling hollow. He miss
ed being part of her family.

  “Oh my goodness,” Muriel said, reaching out a hand to him. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” She tugged on his hand, pulling him inside. “Peter and I were just talking about you over breakfast this morning.”

  She reached up to frame his face with her hands, and he felt the same love and affection they’d always shared, bridging the gap between the past and present. The tension he felt since long before he came home began to recede, as it always did in her presence. She had a way of comforting him and making him believe that everything would be okay.

  “It’s so good to see you,” he said, drawing her into a hug. “I’ve missed you, all of you.”

  She drew back to smile at him and patted his cheek. “We’ve missed you too, honey.” Her big dark eyes, so much like her daughter’s, reflected her sorrow when she said, “I know why you felt you had to stay away, but I hope you always knew you were welcome in our home, Aiden. No matter what happened between you and Sela, that never changed.”

  “I appreciate that.” He smiled when she slipped her arm through his and led him past the formal dining room into the kitchen where they all used to congregate. “I wanted to call or stop by dozens of times over the years, but I didn’t feel I had the right.” He cursed the emotion creeping into his voice, not that he thought he could hide his feelings from Muriel. She was too intuitive to be fooled by false bravado. “I knew Sela was trying to build a new life, and I didn’t want to put you in the position of having to—”

  “She was trying to hide behind a worthless piece of paper if you ask me,” Muriel said, pulling out a chair at the same scarred oak table that had been the focal point of this room for as long as Aiden could remember. “Sit down. I’ll get us some coffee.”

  “Is Mr. Clarke around? I’d love to see him too.”

  She poured coffee into three mugs as she said, “He’s outside tending to the garden. I know he’ll be thrilled to see you.” She walked to the mud room off the kitchen and opened the screen door leading to the backyard. “Peter, we have a visitor.”