Let It Be Me

by Barbara Speak

  "There not really giving you a choice here, are they?"

  "No they're not but I love them for it."

  He stood up making him seem five times as big as he normally looked, dwarfing me. He raised his hand, waving to the roaring crowd all around and then took off his hat as a gesture of thanks. All the while pride filled me to the hilt. This man was loved by strangers and friends alike. Many could only wish to reach this kind of pinnacle in life and Canyon had done it in twenty-two short years.

  He calmed the crowd and then sat back down grinning from molar to molar while saying, "That was freaking cool!"

  "Heck yeah it was. I never had any idea you were this."

  "I was this?"

  "A rodeo God."

  "Hahaha, I am no God, Ari. Not even close."

  "It seems you're alone in that thought."

  "So are you saying you think I'm a God?" He raised his eyebrows, wiggling them up and down.

  "You're creeping me out, Mr. Michaels."

  "Don't start with that crap."

  "Oh, don't get bossy with me, super star."

  "You are so walking home if you keep that up."

  "I wouldn't want to damper your persona."

  "That's it."

  "What are you going to do to me?"

  "You will never see it coming so stay scared ‘cause it's a-comin’."

  "Oh, you're going to play it that way?"

  "No, doll, that was all you. Now shush and watch. It's all about to go down."

  I had never seen anything so crazy, wild, and downright insane as what was before me. Men were getting tossed around like rag dolls and the bulls were huge! I didn't expect them to be small, but in person, they were two-thousand-pound beasts. The point was to stay on for eight seconds, which is something I found out is next to impossible.

  Men wearing clown makeup were giving their best to try to distract the bull while the rider was running for their life back to the fence to get out of harm’s way once they were either thrown or made it to the eight second mark.

  Canyon tapped me on the side of my leg to pull my attention away from the chaos. "Are you getting hungry?"

  "Not really but I could snack on something."

  "I'm starving. Do you want to stay here or come with me to grab a bite to eat?"

  "I'll come with you."

  He stood and then offered me his hand to help me not only stand but maneuver through the crowd of people.

  "Had enough of this yet?"

  "To tell you the truth I never expected to like anything about this but I can see where you would get attached."

  "You do?"

  "Don't look so surprised. I mean, I would never want to get on one but to beat the odds, overpower the bull’s mind and come out on top. That has to be one hell of a feeling."

  He stopped walking and looked at me in a way that made me feel like this wasn't all about friendship anymore and then he looked away.

  "Canyon?"

  "Yeah? Oh, uh, yeah, there isn't anything like being on one."

  "Are you okay?"

  He let his eyes focus on something behind me again before returning to look at me.

  "Canyon?"

  This time it wasn't me that called his name. I turned around to see one of the most beautiful women in the world walking toward us with the bitch from hell beside her. Nothing in me wanted to continue to stare at her but watching Canyon’s reaction or even putting him in an uncomfortable spot was further down on my list of wants. All my instincts were telling me to pretend I had to go to the bathroom to get away but I knew Ashlynn would see right through it. The resemblance between the two of them was uncanny, making it impossible to ignore the fact that Brooke Stanton, aka Canyon's ex, was on her way over.

  I was so focused on what was coming that when Canyon whispered, "I'm sorry", it didn't click.

  "I can't believe you're here!"

  Brooke all but ran the last few steps until she was wrapped in Canyon's arms, being spun around in circles. "I'm so proud of you."

  I watched as she placed both of her hands on either side of his face before she brought her lips down to meet his. I couldn't help but look away. I don't know what happened in that moment but the line of our friendship had gone blurry. I knew it shouldn't hurt to see him with a girl. It shouldn't have bothered me at all.

  "Don't you just love seeing two people that happy together?"

  Throwing daggers at Ashlynn's head sounded like a good idea at the moment but instead I just smiled and agreed.

  "If only you and Kyle could have been so lucky."

  Yep, score one for me. It wasn't often I welcomed confrontation but in that situation I needed to vent some frustration and oh was it worth it.

  The expression she had been wearing fell off, revealing the evil beast within. "You stupid little fuc—"

  "Don’t you finish that word, Ashlynn Rae Stanton, or I will tell mama what kind of language you've been throwing around lately."

  I hadn't realized Brooke had come up for air to even notice what her sister had said but I was thankful all the same.

  "Don't act like you're perfect!"

  "I never said I was. All I'm doing is pointing out that a lady finds better words to use."

  I wanted to stick my finger down my throat and gag myself. How could the opposite of Ashlynn annoy me just as much? It shouldn't be possible. I had yet to look at Canyon. What was going on with me was nothing he needed to see. I was his friend. That meant being happy for him and not reacting the way I was.

  "Canyon, aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?"

  Little? I didn't care for the way she said friend but little was over the top. It seemed we had a wolf in sheep's clothing. Brooke was exactly like her sister. Without paying him attention I walked toward Brooke with my right hand extended while he remained silent.

  "My name is Arianna. I'm sorry, I didn't catch yours."

  She played nice and shook my hand but I could see it in her eyes. She didn't like me. The feeling was mutual. "Brooke Stanton."

  There were no nice to meet yous. Simple introductions seemed to be enough. I pulled my hand back and rubbed it on my pants, ready to make up whatever excuse was necessary to get away when Canyon spoke up for the first time.

  "It was good to see you, Brooke, but Ari and I need to get going."

  "Ari? What a cute pet name. Maybe I'll use that on the next gilt we get. You wouldn't mind would you, Arianna?"

  "I would be flattered. The fact that you'd want to remember me every time you see it means the world."

  "Like I said before, it was good seeing you guys but I'm starving. Are you ready?" I noticed Canyon's outstretched hand and followed it up to his waiting eyes. I may have not been able to read the situation but I knew that look. He wanted to get away from them. I walked over, gave him my hand and felt his fingers lace through mine before he led us in the opposite direction of the girls.

  "See you soon, Canyon," practically echoed off of the concrete cinder block walls around us. Canyon didn't respond. In fact he didn't say anything to me either until we were standing in front of the vendor minutes later.

  "What sounds good to you?"

  "What's a gilt?"

  His body went stiff and he refused to look at me.

  "Canyon Michaels, tell me right now, what is a gilt?"

  He continued to look at the menu in front of us when I felt a light tap on the small of my back. I turned around and saw a boy about Shelby's age looking up at me.

  "It's what we call a girl pig before she has babies."

  I turned to Canyon and busted out laughing. "Ashlynn Stanton is a pig farmer? Haha!"

  His shoulders relaxed as a smile crept up his face. "You're not mad?"

  "Why would I be? That's some of the funniest crap I have heard in a long time."

  The little boy tapped me again. "I have pigs. Why is it funny?"

  Have you ever had a moment when you wanted to crawl under a rock and hide? "It isn't funny.
It's a tough job I'm sure."

  It was enough to put a smile on his face which was enough for me. I twisted my body back around just in time to see Canyon trying to contain his laughter.

  "You think that's funny?"

  "I think that was hilarious."

  We made it back to our seats with more food in hand than would be required to feed a small village. "How can you eat so much?"

  "How can you not? Okay, shhh, Chett is coming up next."

  I didn't care for being shushed but if Chett was riding I wanted to focus too.

  Watching him climb onto the bull mesmerized me. The rope he used to secure himself looked painful at best. A few tugs to make sure it would hold up came before he raised his right arm in the air signaling he was ready and then grabbed on to the gate. I hadn't paid such close attention to the other riders but this one felt more personal. I knew this one. The gate opened and out came Dark Storm with Chett holding on for dear life. The bull was relentlessly bucking and thrashing right out of the pen. My fingernails were digging into my palms as I watched him lose his balance and fall to the left side. I thought he was done but he came back up.

  "He's gonna get it! He's gonna get it!" And then all hope fell. "FUCK!"

  Chett didn't predict the last turn from Dark Storm and fell to the ground under him. Canyon went to his feet as the clowns went to work, determined to get the raging bull away before he stepped on him.

  Two more men ran out to pick Chett up and get him to safety. When they finally got him over the fence, Canyon sat back down next to me.

  "Are you okay?"

  "It's all part of the ride. I just wanted him to nail this is all."

  "For you, I wished it too."

  Chapter 12

  When you walk into a stadium full of people, it still doesn't register just how many there are until you're stuck inside a car, waiting in line to exit the parking lot. Canyon couldn't lose his smile as he talked about how great it was to be back. I didn't want to break his mood but some things can't be helped when curiosity wins out.

  "Why did you leave?" Nothing but the radio playing Luke Bryan's “That's My Kind of Night” was heard. Canyon closed his eyes making me regret asking the question in the first place. "You don't have to tell me. That was kind of our agreement from the beginning. I shouldn't have asked."

  "You have every right to ask but it doesn't make it any easier to answer."

  "Well, then let's talk about something else. I really liked your friends. They all seemed to be really good people and they care about you a lot."

  That brought the teeth out again. "Yeah, they are pretty awesome. I wish one of them could have had a good ride so you could see how amazing it is to beat out the clock. It just wasn't their night."

  "It was still cool though. I have never seen anything like that before. People don't do any of this where I'm from. We have parties on the weekends, there is no rodeo."

  "We have parties."

  "I know. Kyle wanted me to go to one tomorrow night with him but that's not what I was trying to say. I just meant that you guys have something we never did."

  "Are you going?"

  "Am I going where?"

  "To the party."

  "Hell no."

  "Why not?"

  "I have no desire."

  "What if I took you?"

  "How would that make it any better?"

  He slapped my leg in play before he asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "I didn't mean it like that. I just don't do parties anymore. It's just not my thing."

  "How can having fun not be your thing?"

  "They aren't always fun."

  My mood had changed and he picked up on it right away. The teasing had stopped and the quiet returned. The only thing positive was we finally had broken through the traffic and made it to the highway. Only an hour and a half to go.

  Several minutes later, out of nowhere, Canyon blurted, "My mom died three years ago."

  I had already known this but it didn't sink in truly until the information came along with the emotion behind it. His voice cracked as he let it out. What words are comforting at a time like this other than sorry? Enough people had spoken that single word to make it lose its meaning.

  I felt uncomfortable and nervous wondering what to say when I suddenly said, "My dad was killed when I was four."

  Canyon went completely stiff proving that was the worst thing I could have done. I sunk down in my seat wishing I could blink and the night would be over.

  "How did he die?"

  "A drunk driver hit his car. He was dead on impact."

  Silence.

  Even more silence.

  "My dad did it."

  That sentence destroyed me. I sat back up in my seat and turned to face him. I knew the last thing he wanted was pity but something way more than pity was filling me. Rage, sadness, confusion, I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for him and yet hold him at the same time. How could you get past that? Your own father.

  "Can you pull over?"

  "Are you okay? Are you going to get sick?"

  I felt like I could puke but that wasn't what I needed to do. "No. I just need you to stop the truck."

  The blinker went on as Canyon slowed down, pulling on to the shoulder of the highway before coming to a stop. He put the gear shift in park and then sat back expecting anything other than what happened next. I don't know why or how I thought it could make things better. I guess I didn’t think at all about the consequences. One second I was looking out the passenger side window and the next I was unbuckling my seat belt, crawling slowly over the bench seat of his truck until I was inches from his face. I could hear his breath getting labored as well as feel his chest rising and falling from where my hands landed. It was pitch black inside the cab. There were no street lights to help us see. It was as if we were blind, forced to rely on all of our other senses. I hovered over him, refusing to take the leap. Our lips were practically touching and I couldn't do it. Once that connection happened it would be real and I wasn't ready to accept that.

  "Ari." I felt the air that was required to release my name from his lips land on my own and it was enough to break me. "You don't have to do this. It was a long time ago."

  "It doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to take away your pain."

  As soon as the last word came out Canyon's hands moved from the steering wheel he had been gripping to the back of my head as he pushed me the final few inches needed for his lips to touch mine for the very first time.

  We stayed like that for a blink or maybe an hour. Time doesn't seem to be measurable in moments like those. Neither of us was trying to push what was happening. His lips parted, sucking in another breath and then came back to meet mine again one last time before his hold loosened and I could back up.

  I was almost to the other side of the truck, feeling more uncomfortable than I ever wanted to be when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

  "Thank you," came out so softly spoken I had to strain to hear it.

  Knowing I may have eased some of his pain for the moment meant everything to me. "You're welcome."

  This time he let me sit back down and get my seat belt on as he drove back out onto the road. We didn't talk for a while after that. It wasn't awkward as much as we both needed time to process where the line of friendship just went.

  "Hey, Ari?"

  "Yeah?"

  "You know what happened with Brooke back there was nothing, right?"

  "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm not anyone who deserves to know the whys. It's your business."

  "I didn't kiss her."

  I didn't feel like he owed me an explanation, even though I sure did want one, but for him to lie to me was something completely different.

  "You don't have to lie or soften this up, Canyon. You and Brooke have a past that hasn't gone away. I know a lot about that. I have one of my own."

  "What's that supposed to mean? I wasn't softening up an
ything by the way."

  "All I am trying to say is feelings don't go away just because you want them to."

  "What's his name?"

  The way he asked let me know he was not welcoming my answer. I hadn't had any intention of bringing Kale up and quite honestly it was the last thing I wanted to discuss.

  "It's not important."

  "Maybe you don't see it that way but I do."

  "What happened to respecting what we didn't want to talk about?"

  "You're right and you have all the reason in the world to not trust me. I only hope that someday that changes and all of those walls you keep up can fall down, because I want you to see what I see when I look at you. I want you to know just how beautiful you actually are, scars and all."

  "They aren't walls that can be torn down, Canyon. They are choices that I can't make, promises that weren't mine to give, and a burden I am left to bear. It's not that I don't trust you. I just can't."

  "There is a way out of every screwed up situation, Ari, you just have to fight with everything you have and never give up until you're free."

  "Says the man who quit the one thing he has more passion for than anything else in the world."

  He didn't come back with a quick witted response. In fact, he didn't say anything for a while. He simply looked at the road as we drove for miles. I eventually gave up waiting and started watching the lines on the road illuminated by the head lights.

  "I'm going back."

  My head jerked to the left not expecting anything to come from him and most of all that. "Where? Did you forget something? It's getting late and—"

  "No, Ari, I'm going back into the circuit. You were right. How can I expect you to face your demons if I can't go back to enjoying the thing that my mom loved most because of my guilt?"

  "Please don't make this choice because you think it can help me. There is nothing that can make my situation any different than it is."

  "Well, you already have plans to leave. That's something. You're getting away from John and as much as I don't want you to go that's the most important thing for you to do. If it's not overstepping boundaries again can I ask you why you didn't go with your dad's family?"

  "I only met them a few times. My grandparents had my dad when they were older so by the time I was born they were already in their seventies. My dad was an unexpected only child. They didn't have the means to take care of me when I was that young. I lost both of them before I turned twelve."