Let It Be Me

by Barbara Speak

  "Damn."

  "It is what it is."

  "It shouldn't be."

  An hour later we were pulling into Canyon's driveway instead of mine.

  "Why are we going here first?"

  "I'm not ready for the night to end and I can't imagine John welcoming me into his house."

  "No definitely not. I'm surprised you're not sick of me yet. You do remember you promised Shelby you would see her tomorrow. That means me too."

  "It was always going to be you. She's just a bonus."

  "I have to do chores first. My step-dick doesn't let me stay there without consequences."

  "I get helping around the house but what I don't understand is why you two despise each other so much. Has it always been this bad?"

  He turned off the truck and got out without waiting for an answer. I climbed out after him and closed the door trying to figure out the best way to explain John and me without giving away too much.

  Canyon walked around the back of the house and I followed with a question of my own. Once I made the corner he was in view so I asked, "Do you ever go through the front door like a normal person?"

  He was almost at the door when he turned to look at me. "The front door is for strangers to ask if they're welcome. The back door is for those who have no need to ask."

  "I sure didn't know that. I lived in a flat. We only had one door."

  "Well that's just weird."

  He stood holding the door open for me. "You coming in?"

  As I walked through the door I asked, "Can I tell you something silly?"

  "Of course."

  He let the door close behind him before going straight for the refrigerator. "The first couple of days I was scared to come in here."

  Stopping his pilfering he looked back at me surprised. "Why?"

  "I just got this weird vibe that you didn't want me inside."

  "That's probably because I didn't."

  My jaw dropped and so did my butt in the chair next to me as he went back in search for food. "Don't sugar coat it or anything."

  "This isn't a welcoming place. It never has been. I have never in my life invited someone here."

  "That's hard to wrap my head around. I fell in love with this house the second I saw it."

  "A house is not a home and this one sets the bar."

  "Could we change the subject? Talking about how screwed up things are isn’t fun."

  He stood up with jalapenos and pepper jack cheese in each hand. "Nachos?"

  "I want to tease you for eating again but nachos sound fantastic."

  "What do you think about coming to the gym with me?"

  "Are you saying I need it?"

  "Do you always do that? Spin what people say? If I thought you needed to lose weight I would say so." My eyes went wider then wide. "Okay maybe I wouldn't but I would have come up with a more sly way to tell you. I was really asking because I go alone and it would be cool to have someone there to talk to."

  "I do need it. I was so sore the day after we did all that barn work. I could use some help. So yeah, if you don't mind a girl who knows nothing about it coming with you then I'm in."

  A couple of hours later I was yawning like crazy. We had watched Blended with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, ate an entire plate of nachos, and talked about everything that was in bounds to be discussed.

  Canyon drove me to my house and cut the headlights out of respect as we pulled into the driveway as to not wake up my so-called family. I reached for the door handle to get out while saying goodbye when Canyon opened his door as well. I didn't know what he was doing. I closed my door and walked around the front of the truck to meet him before he could advance toward the house.

  "You didn’t have to get out you know."

  "I know I didn't but there is something I wanted to ask you about all night and didn't."

  "What's up?"

  He took a step towards me making me nervous when he asked, "Did you kiss me because you felt sorry for me or because you wanted to?" I couldn't answer him immediately because I didn't really know the answer myself. "Don't think too hard about it. Just answer me."

  "I don't know."

  "So it was maybe a little of both?"

  I didn't want to admit that I might be blurring the lines. That I was going against everything I swore I would avoid by putting myself in this situation to begin with.

  "Canyon, I...."

  He didn't give me the chance to finish. That one step forward was all he needed to close the space between us. Both of his hands cupped my face as his lips met with mine again. I used all the strength I had to fight off the feelings growing inside of me for him but it wasn't working. Something about Canyon Michaels made what felt dead inside me come back to life. I felt guilty for those feelings but yet they were still there, eating at me to explore what was there right then. Just as I was letting myself relax in the situation, he pecked my lips and released me.

  "Are you sure you don't know anymore?"

  "You don't want to do this."

  "I'm thinking maybe you're wrong."

  "I'm leaving."

  "I know."

  "Then why?"

  "Why not?"

  Every reason I was trying to give him he shot down and it was frustrating as hell.

  "Just trust me. You don't want to get yourself involved in my screwed up life, Canyon."

  "Don't tell me what I should want. Don't tell me you’re not worth it. Just let whatever happens happen, okay?"

  I couldn't continue a conversation that was going nowhere. He wasn't listening to reason.

  "I'm going to go in now. Thank you for bringing me along tonight. I..."

  "Don't go yet."

  "I have to. I don't want things to get awkward between us."

  "They don't have to be."

  "Then let me go for the night. I will see you tomorrow."

  "Goodnight, Ari."

  I walked away and into the house closing the door behind me. Only then did I smile. He wasn't giving up that easily. Maybe for once I shouldn't either.

  Chapter 13

  The next morning I woke up not by choice. The bouncing sister of mine couldn't contain her excitement any longer. She had no idea I was up all night thinking about Kale and looking everywhere I could on Facebook for just a glimpse of him.

  Canyon scared me and I felt if I could just hold on to Kale and what we had before it was destroyed, it would be enough to clear any possibility of things moving forward with my next door neighbor.

  "Arianna! You have to get up. It's nine-thirty and I have been waiting for you for hours. How long are you going to sleep?"

  Without wanting to disappoint her, I swung my legs off the bed and pushed myself up to a sitting position. "I'm up."

  "How was it last night? Did you see horses? What did they do? Can I go next time? Please!"

  "Slow down. I can only process one question at a time right now. It was neat and I know you would like it a lot. Canyon and I talked about it and yes you can go to the next one they have in town."

  She started jumping up and down verses the bouncing she had been doing before. "When? Can we go today?"

  "No. Today we are supposed to be going to Canyon's to work, remember?"

  "On a Saturday? Can't we do something fun?"

  "I'm sure it will be fun for you no matter what."

  Two hours later after a shower, chores were finished and some breakfast, Shelby and I were walking out the door when, "Where do you think you're going?" came from the step-dick from hell.

  I didn't even turn to face him. My hand was on the door¸ ready to be opened when I answered, "Canyon needed some help today and we promised Shelby she could come along."

  "What makes you think you can just take my daughter somewhere without even consulting me? Heaven knows what you two are doing over at that house. She doesn't need to be exposed—"

  "Daddy, I want to see the horses. Why won't you let me?"

  "I thought maybe you would like to
go pick out your own, honey."

  "Really? You're going to get my horse today?"

  She was so excited I didn't have the heart to tell her that he just came up with that two seconds ago. John didn't have the faintest idea where to find a horse, he just wanted to keep his daughter from me.

  "Well we could try if you wanted to stick around and see."

  Shelby looked up at me with so much joy on her face I couldn't break her heart with the questions I knew would out him.

  "Go ahead, Shelby. There will be more chances for you to go to Canyon's. If you want to stay I will just see you when I get back."

  "Then you can see my horse. My own horse! Isn't this so cool?"

  "It sure is."

  I went to open the door but couldn't help myself from at least saying¸ "Where are you going to keep it?"

  If looks could kill I would have been dead on the spot. He hated when I questioned anything. All the while my mother sat there staring at me with the blank expression she loved to wear. But seriously, there was no barn, fence, food— I could go on for days. Prior to meeting Canyon I didn't have the faintest idea what a horse needed and it was obvious that neither did he.

  "You don't worry about what I do or how I do it. Just get out of here and go screw up your life even more than you already have."

  I walked through the threshold and closed the door behind me, all the while thinking, “He doesn't even have a trailer to get it here.” Idiot.

  Minutes later I was pulling into Canyon's driveway. I could see him walking out of the barn toward me wearing that grin I was falling in love with. I had been battling with myself all night and one look was all it took to make my decision foggy again.

  He met me at my door, opening it for me, in the best mood I had seen him in yet.

  "How are you this morning, darlin’?"

  I got out and let him close the door behind me before saying, "I'm good. What has you in such a good mood?"

  "I get you for the day. What else do I need?"

  "That's a nice thing to say."

  "I can tell you nice things all day long if you want me to." That damn smile again.

  "Why don't you save them for when they count most?"

  "I can do that too. So, where's Shelby?"

  "Listen to this crap." I put my hands on my hips and let it all out. "Step-dick decides as we are walking out the door to tell Shelby she could get her horse today."

  "What?"

  "Yeah, he's an idiot. What are they going to do with a horse?"

  "She doesn't even know how to ride yet. Where did he say he was getting one anyway?"

  "He doesn't have the faintest idea. He just didn't want her to leave with me and used the one sure fire thing that would keep her around: his money."

  "Does he always try to buy her love?"

  "Always."

  "That is one extremely messed up dude."

  "Tell me something I don't know."

  We stood there for a second before Canyon grabbed my hand and started pulling me with him.

  "Where are we going?"

  "Well, I told Shelby yesterday I was going to teach you how to ride today and if that means dragging you I will."

  "You want me to get on one by myself? Are you crazy?"

  "No, I am determined. There's no reason you shouldn't be able to, especially if you're going to be helping me out around here. You're going to need to be able and today I'm going to show you how."

  "I'm scared."

  "Hop on."

  He had stopped pulling me and not only let go of my hand but squatted down for me to get on his back.

  "You're kidding, right?"

  "Just do it."

  I laughed as I grabbed onto his neck while I wrapped my legs around his waist. Once he had me, he stood up and started running full speed, scaring me to death that we were going to go face first into the dirt.

  "Why are you doing this?"

  It came out a little more like, "Why. Are. You. Doing. This," but that was due to the bouncing I was trying to endure.

  All of a sudden he stopped but then he started spinning us in circles. I was so dizzy I couldn't imagine how we were staying upright. Laughter exploded out of both of us. I couldn't catch my breath I was laughing so hard. Finally we stopped going in circles and Canyon put me down on my own two feet. Both of us were trying to walk and the sight of each other was hilarious.

  "Try to walk straight."

  "I am trying."

  We were stumbling all over the place until I finally gave up and let my body fall to the ground, still laughing my butt off. Canyon crawled over to me. I hadn't even noticed him going down also. I was too busy wiping the tears falling from my eyes.

  "I love this side of you."

  "What are you talking about?"

  "This. You living. It's the best thing in the world to witness."

  I sat up and looked at him still trying to catch my breath. "When did you get all mushy on me?"

  "When you showed me it was time to live again. Life's too short to be miserable, Ari."

  How he could just flip a switch and be happy made we wish it was that easy.

  "I'm trying."

  "Are you?"

  "I keep coming here, don't I?"

  "Yes you do, thanks to me. Now, let's have some fun."

  "Thanks to you?"

  "Would you be here if I hadn't come up with the idea of you working for me?"

  "Would that have happened if I hadn't thrown rocks at your truck?"

  "I'm the one who didn't stop."

  "I'm the one who was walking down the road."

  "You wouldn't have had a truck that broke down if my dad wouldn't have gone to prison."

  The joking banter stopped there with my eyes bulging out and his head falling down. Once again I grabbed him, but this time I didn't allow the sweet kisses we'd been giving to take over the moment. I shoved his body down and climbed on to him grabbing his bottom lip with my teeth before letting it go and using my tongue to part his lips.

  He didn't respond at first, I am sure due to the shock of me taking the initiative. I had never been so brash but I hated him feeling defeated by something out of his control. Words don't work as fast as actions do and the way he came back at me once it all sank in told me he welcomed the idea.

  When I felt his hands come up to my waist, moving under my shirt, everything changed. My body froze up at the idea of letting things go further.

  "Hey, where did you go?"

  I placed my hands on either side of his head pushing up to raise myself far enough that I could look down at him. "I don't know what I was thinking. I..."

  "You think too much, is the problem." He reached behind his head and with one tap my elbows gave out and I was falling back down on him. "I like you much better here."

  The comfort of him was like being wrapped in a warm blanket when you're cold. I felt like I could stay there forever and be happy and once again I needed to stop myself from falling. Without warning, I pushed my fingertips into his armpits and started tickling him like crazy. Feeling him squirm under me had me laughing hysterically. I had no chance against his strength and within seconds he'd thrown me off of him. I landed flat on my back but still was laughing.

  "You think that's funny, huh?" He leaped over me, landing with him straddling my waist as he raised my hands over my head and pinned them down with his knee. "How do you like the Chinese typewriter?"

  He didn't give me the chance to respond before his index fingers we're pecking at my chest. It hurt so badly but I couldn't stop laughing for long enough to tell him he had to stop. He continued to punish me until I damn near peed my pants.

  "STOP!"

  I screamed it with the only breath I had left. He followed direction and stopped but then we were back to being just as uncomfortable as we were before I took the leap and kissed him again. I guess you can't ignore the elephant in the room and the fact that his mother died by his father was nothing a kiss couldn't wipe away or playfuln
ess. I didn't want to force him to talk about it. That was something that he needed to do by choice not by obligation.

  "Ari, I want you to know that I understand why you do what you're doing and I appreciate the fact that you care enough that you want to help me, but I dealt with all of this the last few years. It may not be fun to talk about but I can take it. The next time you kiss me I want it to be for no other reason than you want to, okay?"

  "Is it wrong for me to want to keep you from those thoughts? You may have dealt with it in your own way but it has to hurt. I don't know what your dad did to her but none of that matters, you are what's important."

  "Are you sure you have to leave? I kinda like having you around."

  The little tip of a smile peeked out of him and as much as I knew the last thing he wanted was pity, it still broke my heart that he was forced to live with losing both his parents in one fell swoop. He was all alone.

  "Do you have any family around? I know you said John got my truck from your uncle."

  "All I had was my Dad’s family and when I testified against him, they disowned me."

  "I am so sorry and that's not pity that's just me caring about what you had to go through. I wish I didn't have to leave but I can't stay here with him. You don't know what he has done."

  "My dad beat my mom, Ari. He beat her until she was dead on the floor and he continued to hit her until I pulled him off. There isn't anything I want more than for you to get out of that house but selfishly I don't think life will be the same."

  He watched his own father beat his mom. He actually was the one who had to pry him off of her dead body. This was so much worse than anything I could wrap my head around that all I wanted to do was cry for him but I knew that would do no good. He was finally moving past all of that and I didn't need to be the reason he had to feel that pain all over again.

  How could he think though, as screwed up as I was, that I could bring anything but more problems his way by staying? I knew the answer to that—he had no idea.