Is This Anything?
Page 30
paperweights, 181
parakeets, 272–73 lifestyle of, 43–44
mirrors and, 20
parent, being bowling and, 373–74
and crossing the “annoying line,” 340
and current parenting style, 370–72, 373–74
extra heads and, 272–73
and family sleeping together, 344
and getting the kids to bed, 371–72
and idea of dad, 344
mob boss techniques and, 346
parents as bosses, 34–35
coming out as funny to, 41
as ducklings, 146–47
everything “down” for, 103
fashion advice from, 147–48
kids don’t want, 382–83
kids taken to circus by, 339
kids turned into thank you monkeys by, 345
in 1960s, 368–69, 370–71
no superheroes with, 383
skydiving a horrible thing to do to, 37
“way it used to be” stories of, 23
were they comedians?, 49
what do they look like?, 25
see also fathers; mothers; old people
parking garages, 216
parking lots, 80
pay phone call, 58–59
pedestrian faux courtesy job, 434
pedestrian rodeo, 164–65
people babies, see babies
the human being business, 438–39
old, see old people
owner’s manual for, 241
purpose of, 420
perfume, 77
personal maintenance, 74
personal storage area, 334
pharmacist, why is he two and a half feet higher than everybody else, 115–16
Phillips screwdriver, 195
phone(s) *69 and, 280–81
battery life of, 419
BlackBerry, 281–82
call waiting and, 165–66
cameras on, 427–28
cell phone breaking up, 168
contact list on, 419
control of, and sex control, 201–3
cordless, 167
dictatorship of, 418–19
as half of complete individual, 420
hanging up, 167
important calls on, 279
for old people, 429
pay phone calls, 58–59
phone machines, 166–68
and purpose of people, 420
Siri and, 414–15
texting on, see texting
piano store, 56
pickup trucks, 157
piercings, 432
piñata, 372–73
Pizza Hut, 298
plants, 69
plate size, 170
Play-Doh animals, 346
pocketbooks, 244
pockets, 18 and difference between adults and kids, 25–26
pajama, 26
poker dogs playing, 363–64, 365
men playing, 365
police, 65 Chalk Outline Guy, 144
leisure, 144–45
political mascots, 60–61
Pony Ride, 229–30
Pop-Tarts, 385–87
Port-A-Pottys, 444–45
posse, probably couldn’t have today, 65–66
postage stamps, 124, 426 collecting, 108
Postal Service, 422–23
postman, 425 criminals and, 126
postmaster general, 425–26
post office annoyance at, 122–24
Wanted posters in, 125–26
pre-existing conditions, 443–44
Preferency People, 285–86
President guy with The Button always with, 128
people who think they should be, 128–29
prison house feels like, 403
little taste of, 390
solitary confinement in, 417
thinking about, 143
what is it?, 403
prisoners of inertia, 64–65
“problem” and “no problem,” 362
psychiatrists, 211
P.T.S.D. (Portable Toilet Spring Door), 448
public speaking, 98
puppet show, greatest, 336
Quinn, Colin, 253
raisins, 392–94 Almighty God with, 19
chocolate-covered, 392–93
fighting spirit of, 392
in Raisin Bran, 298–99
Sun-Maid, 392–94
ready, 360–61
Red Bull, 294, 399
referees, 64–65
refrigerator box, 28
Reiner, Carl, 326
rejection aspect of commitment, 267
relationships BlackBerry and, 281–82
blindness and, 277–78
car analogy in, 241
flowers in, 245
with food, lack of issues in, 384
greeting cards and, 72
“live with,” 266
mozzarella, 179
people owner’s manual and, 241
phone machine and, 166–67
sickness in, 78
touching face when talking about, 182
underwear analogy in, 276, 363
see also dating; friends, friendship; marriage
repeat story, 286–87
restaurants, 48, 140, 349–51, 384 all-you-can-eat buffets vs., 387–89
being truthful in, 435–36
drizzling in, 351
getting the check in, 172, 351
great, you have to go there, 349–50
lobster tanks in, 55–56
menus in, 388
phone pictures at, 428
sex control and, 203
specials of, 350
restrooms, see bathrooms, public
Retsyn, 232
rhinoplasty, 230
rice milk, 297
rides bumper cars, 13–14
I.D. cards and, 28
pony, 229–30
on red metal horses, 37–38
roller coaster, 21, 177
Roosevelt Island Tramway, 21
Rock, Chris, 253–54, 255, 256
rocket propulsion, 228
Rope, The, 33–34
sales help, 217
sandwich bags, 313–14
Scotch tape, 375
scuba diving, 39
seatbelts, 87–88
Seinfeld, 7, 207–8, 253
Seinfeld, Jessica, 253
sex birds and, 442
brain and, 384
control of, and phone control, 201–3
difference between food and, 384
wedding and, 264
shaving on a plane, 89–90
Shaw, Bob, 4
shoe store walk, 29–30
shopping, 217 for clothes, 190, 217
for motorcycle helmet, 317–18
with parents, 146–47
at wallpaper store, 35, 38
shower a little hair in, 219–20
radio for, 188
taking a break from life in, 187
toilet flushing and, 188
Shredded Wheat, 386
Silicon Valley, cereal equivalent of, 386
silver medal, 160–61
single, 366 and also thin and neat, 246
getting sick of yourself when, 267
married life as viewed from vantage point of, 269–70
Siri, 414–15
sister, married, 40
60s, advantages of being in one’s, 435–36
skiing, 34 and shooting a gun, 162
skydiving, 37 helmet for, 38
sleep aids for, 400
Sleep Number Bed and, 399
TV, 135
smog alerts, 109
smokers, they always win arguments, 52–53
soap deodorant, 74
on-a-rope, 76–77
in sponge, 445
that last little sliver of, 75
tiny, 89, 94
social species, 412–13
socks closet for, 50
escape of, 50–51
left behind, 52
soda commercials, 136, 140
sofa moving, 41–42
solitary confinement, 417
Space Shuttle, 228
special events, 408–9
sperm and egg, as role models, 183
Spider-Man, 196, 383
sponge, kitchen, 444–45
sports, 321 enthusiasm for, 158
Olympic, see Olympics
as rooting for laundry, 159
watching, 310–11
see also not-die, sports in which main activity is to
stalls, 325
stampers, 54
Stand By Me, 131
stand-up comedy, 3–12, 208, 253–54, 255, 355–56
stand-up paddle board, 380
Star Trek, 132
Star Wars, 348–49
State Department, 63
storage units, 334
stories repeat, 286–87
voice for, in the car, 319
street-cleaning machines, 433
sucks and great, 349–52
suede, 98
suicide bombers, 316
suits, 321 for dead people, 69
powerful image projected by, 26
shopping for, 190
tuxedos, 260–61
sun, landing a man on, 150
Sun-Maid, 392–94
superheroes Batman, 141, 196, 383
men think they are, 196–97
none of them have parents, 383
Spider-Man, 196, 383
Superman, 6, 196, 383 Halloween costume, 102–4
TV show, 21–22
supermarket checks in the checkout line at, 191
impulse buying in, 116
Kotex lady in, 150–51
rubber dividers at the checkout in, 117
Swanson “Hungry-Man” TV dinners, 390–91
sweepstakes letter, 71–72
Swift, Phil, 448–52
swimming and strangling a guy, 162
swimsuit competition, 244
Swiss Army knife, 32
talking faces, 421–22
talk show hosts, 132–33
tattoos, 432
tea, 291–92, 293
telephone lightbulb salesman, 70
television basic problem with, 136
cooking on, 63
flipping, 133–34
momless families as tradition on, 382
sleep and, 135
Superman show, 21–22
talk show hosts, 132–33
watching late at night, 248
women and men watch differently, 134
your show, 437–38
see also news
television commercials, 311 infomercials, 437
infomercials for Flex Seal, 448–52
in movie theaters, 140
for soda, 136, 140
television sets, hotel quality related to, 95
temperature dual zone climate control, 376–77
losing heat through your head, 34
old men and heat, 149–50
terrorists, 92 suicide bombers, 316
training camps for, 316–17
texting, 420–21, 424 ghosty dots and, 424
thank you monkeys, 345
That Guy, 79–80
That’s Incredible!, 111
thermostat, 24–25
thin, single, and neat, 246
thoughts of inappropriate behaviors, 330–31
of yelling at people, 123
tickets, 310–11, 358–59
Tide, improved, 239
time can’t believe the, 97
distance and, 94
looking at watch for, 310
saving, 67
wasting, 67
Time magazine, 107
tired, 399
toaster room, 169–70
toilet, flushing shower and, 188
and water starts coming up, 220–21
toilet paper facial quality, 76
hat for roll of, 43
tone of voice, 273–76
Tonight Show, The, starring Johnny Carson, 83
toothbrush, of Neil Armstrong, 99
toupees, 43, 335
train crossing gate, 416
trains, 410–11
Trashification, 332–35
travel safe, 416
see also air travel
trucks, pickup, 157
trust, 194
tube and circle, 233, 237
tuna sandwiches, 90–91
turning around, 436
tuxedos, 260–61
TV, see television
TV dinners, 390–91
Twitter, 285
Uber, 411–12, 420–21
underwear-relationship analogy, 276, 363
unemployment, 61–62
up, when you’re little, 102–3
vacation family on, 378
me on, 378–79
vague, 58
visual security, 56–57
Vivian is back, 53
voice, tone of, 273–76
volcano, 109, 292
waiting rooms, 235–37
Walker, Jimmie, 6
wallets first, 28
waterproof, 39
walls and wallpaper, 35–36, 38
Wanted posters, 125–26
warning labels, 176
watch looking at, 310
waterproof, 39
weather, 96–97, 109 cold, dressing for, 34
weather girls, 309
water Dual Zone, 376–77
and importance of hydration, 398
weddings, 257–65
weight problem in America, 395
whispers, 430–31 golf, 430
wine, offering, 267
Wolfman, 89–90
women blindness and, 277–78
brains of, 270–71
checks written by, 191–92
clothes-shopping technique of, 190
commitment and, 178
egg as role model for, 183
honking at, 198–99
large quantities of cotton balls needed by, 14–16
lip liner worn by, 278
men’s attention drawn by, 244
men’s minds and, 197–200
no Cub Scout training for meeting, 31
perfume strategy of, 77
pocketbooks of, 244
television watching habits of, vs. men’s, 134
understanding, 197
see also relationships
words, repeating, 414
work, see job
World War II themes in motorcycle helmets, 317–18
wrestling, professional, 64–65
yawning, 247
yelling at people inside your head, 123
zip lines, 379
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Front jacket photographs: (’70s) courtesy of the author; (’80s) Paul Drinkwater/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty Images; (’90s) Chris Haston/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal via Getty Images
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Applied For
ISBN 978-1-9821-1269-1
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