But I wouldn’t give in. I wouldn’t be like them, like any of them. I wanted no part of it.
Despite my longing for it, I hated the sight of the blood. I hated its color. I hated the way it smelled, the way it stained, the way animals and humans and vampires needed it to survive. I hated it like I hated the dark, like I hated Elias, like I hated Gabriel.
“You have to drink this, Red. You know that,” Thomas insisted.
“I’m not going to. It disgusts me.”
Inola touched my arm gently. “If you do not drink, the blood frenzy will come. You don’t want to hurt anybody, do you?”
I smirked. The thought of someone running in fear from me filled me with a perverse pleasure. Immediately, I was horrified at myself, and I shook the image away.
“I won’t be like any of you,” I murmured.
Thomas crossed his arms over his chest. “No vampire can go without blood. If you starve yourself, you will end up killing someone. You think you can live with that?”
Tears were still falling from my eyes. “I don’t know, Thomas. Can I? Can I live with myself after everything that has happened to me anyway?”
He shook his head at me. “Don’t be stupid about this.”
I laughed humorlessly. “What will Gabriel do? Force it down my throat?”
“Probably,” Inola sighed.
Thomas stood up, taking the blood bag with him. He tossed it into the refrigerator. “She’s bent on learning the hard way. It will not end well, but if Gabriel is smart, he will not force her anymore. He will lose her if he does.”
“He already has lost me,” I corrected him. I heard no reaction from Gabriel, but I knew he had to have heard.
The room grew still. I could hear the birds outside, the wind touching the leaves. None of it was comforting. It only reminded me that I was changed, forever stained red.
I tried to stop crying, but it was no use. Inola and Thomas stayed with me for hours as I cried, and I could hear Gabriel breathing right inside the doorway.
Knowing he was there made me cry harder; I just couldn’t crush the part of me that still craved his presence.
Finally, I was so emotionally drained I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was more of a mental sleepiness than a physical one, although my body did feel tired. I put my head down on the table and closed my eyes.
Then I felt it. I could choose to sleep. I could choose to dream. I could even choose the conscious mode of sleep.
I tried the conscious sleep out of curiosity. My mind drifted, almost unconscious, but I was still able to gauge my physical surroundings. I heard everything around me. It didn’t feel particularly restful.
And there it was—my ability to go into the coma sleep. It was deep inside my brain, and as I came closer to it, my body was electrocuted with warning. If I did this, I couldn’t wake up on my own.
The last resort. What vampires did when they wanted to sleep dreamlessly forever, buried far beneath the ground.
I plunged into the pain-free darkness without hesitation.
Chapter 9 Joining
The sweetest taste filled my mouth, was smeared across my lips. Like a reflex, I reached my hand toward the container that was pressing the heady elixir to my mouth. I drank greedily, the stuff coating my throat like a balm.
When it was gone, I groaned in frustration. The pain in my throat was merely muted, like sucking on a sore throat lozenge when you had strep throat. The slight relief was almost mocking.
Then I realized what I had just consumed. There was only one substance that could draw such a profound reaction from me.
Blood.
I flung the cup away and opened my eyes.
Gabriel loomed beside me on the bed, his face unreadable. Thomas and Inola lingered at the foot of the bed, their arms crossed.
My fingers felt the black silk sheets while my eyes found the heavy crimson drapes, the unlit candles on the wall, and the cold fireplace.
Gabriel’s room at the coven house.
“No,” I moaned. “I hate this place.”
“It’s where I should have kept you,” Gabriel murmured.
My gaze was ice. “Was that your blood?”
“No.”
“Then whose was it?” I snapped.
Thomas picked up an empty blood bag off the nightstand and looked at the label. “Tiffany Steadham. Maybe you should find her and thank her. Volunteer donors are a vampire’s best friend.”
I got up off the bed, my movements quicker than I intended, making the three of them tense up.
I walked to Thomas until I was inches from his face. “I’m not in the mood for your tasteless jokes,” I said.
He smiled genuinely, the light in his eyes relaxed and carefree. “And I am not in the mood for your spoiled attitude, but we can’t all get what we want, can we?”
“I said I didn’t want blood!”
“Child, you went into the coma sleep. It was the only way to get you out,” Inola said, toying with her braid nervously.
“Maybe that’s the way I wanted to stay!” To prove my point, I closed my eyes, ready to dive back into the only darkness I had never been afraid of.
Gabriel’s voice cut me like steel. “Do it again, and it will be my blood that wakes you. Those who are in the coma sleep are too deeply asleep to form a connection, so I just won’t stop when you awaken. I am stronger than you; you will have no choice as I give you a copious amount of my blood from the vein. And going back into the coma sleep cannot break a blood connection, just so you know. If you go back into the coma sleep with a blood connection formed, time and death are still your only options to break it.”
My eyes opened quickly. There was no life in Gabriel’s eyes as he stared at me, but his mouth turned up at one corner. “If you don’t want that pesky blood connection between us, I recommend not doing it again,” he said.
“How dare you?” I whispered.
I’d forgotten how cruel Gabriel could be. I waited to see if a spark of the real Gabriel was in there, but I saw nothing but green ice in his eyes. Maybe this was who he really was, and I had been wrong to think otherwise. Maybe my hatred had somehow bled into him, and now he hated me, too.
The thought of Gabriel’s hatred hurt me more than it should have. I winced and turned away from him, but not before I saw the briefest sliver of confusion flash across his face.
Inola took my hands in hers. “Go take a shower, and put on some nice clothes. It will make you feel better.”
Not knowing what else to do, I nodded. I knew arguing was pointless, and trying to escape was stupid. Who knew if Elias was even truly done with me?
I shuddered and held her hands tighter. Red tinged my vision, and cold tendrils swept along my spine. I was still so afraid—afraid enough that it took everything I had not to scream. My teeth began to chatter, and the sensation vibrated my entire body.
“It’s ok,” Inola soothed. “I know you are still scared. The shower will feel nice though, I promise.”
“Will you come with me?” I asked her, the words sounding strange because of my chattering teeth.
“Of course I will.”
Inola’s presence seemed to keep the hysteria at bay, but it still bubbled beneath the surface as I showered. She talked to me calmly, although I forgot most of what she said as soon as she said it.
The water on my skin was distracting and very warm, and the smell of the soap was intoxicating. It did feel nice, and the smallest bit of me started to relax until I realized Inola had asked me a question.
“Can you say that again?” I asked.
Her tone was patient. “Do you think you can handle the joining ritual today with Violet Memory?”
I flung the curtain aside. “I have to join?”
“Well . . . no. But it is a good idea to, especially with . . . him still alive. It is an honor to be a part of a coven as old as this one.”
“What does it matter if he is still alive?” I hissed. “I was never safe here before!”
I
nola sighed. “Actually, you were safe here. Especially when it became apparent that none here would harm you. Gabriel never should have let you leave; his desire for you to love him clouded his judgment. He also never should have taken you to such a remote location. And . . . Thomas and I never should have left you two alone.”
I hid behind the curtain. “It’s not your fault.”
“Part of it is. And I have the feeling it will be many centuries until I forgive myself.”
I studied my palm. Three soapy bubbles glistened like globed rainbows against my skin. The colors were beautiful, but it was the color red that stood out the most to me.
I sighed. “This coven does not prohibit killing. Why would I join a coven that encourages its members to kill people?”
“I wouldn’t say it’s encouraged, but it is allowed. It is most definitely not frowned upon. There are restrictions, and Jasmina will tell you our rules. But just because killing humans is allowed does not mean you have to hurt people, Kara. No one here will care whether you kill humans or not. Some of the older vampires may think you are strange if you don’t, but older vampires tend to be more hardened, and many do not value human life.”
“I don’t want to join,” I said truthfully.
“Just like you didn’t want blood? Child, you are no longer hum—”
“Don’t!” I screeched. “Don’t say it!” I reached out a shaking hand and turned the water off.
I didn’t want to hear the words. I knew exactly what I was, but . . .
She handed me a towel. The surface felt scratchier than it should have, and it was unnerving to be able to discern the individual fibers.
“Not saying it doesn’t change the fact,” Inola said softly. “This is not something you can run away from.”
I wrapped the towel around myself. “I need time.”
“I know, child. Wait a few days, and then we will do the joining ritual.”
I looked up at her. “Will it hurt?” I asked quietly.
She reached out to stroke my wet hair, love and worry shining in her eyes.
“No, sweet girl. It will not hurt at all.”
***
I told Inola I did not want to stay in Gabriel’s room, and if I was to join Violet Memory, I needed my own room. I followed her after I got dressed, not even glancing in Gabriel’s direction.
Inola stopped at a door down the hallway from his room.
“Seriously?” I said. “How about some distance?”
She unlocked the door and gestured inside. “How about you stop being so picky? Besides, this room should be familiar.”
I peeked inside. It was the room I had stayed in before because of the broken window in Gabriel’s room. Out of habit, I noted there was no kindling or wood for the cold fireplace.
I smiled when I spied the balls of gray and white fluff in the corner and the cage and tank next to them. I walked to them carefully, unsure if they could sense the difference in me.
“Hey, Millie. Hey, Denny,” I said gently.
My cats were a little uneasy at first. They sniffed at me for a few minutes before finally purring.
Dandelion and Panini huddled together before settling down, their noses constantly twitching toward me. They both licked me, and I took that for a good sign.
Nelly was sleeping, curled up and unbothered under her heat lamp. I had a feeling she wouldn’t care or even notice if I grew horns and sprouted wings.
“I figured you would want a room to yourself, so Thomas brought them here. Your fish are in the aquarium inside the library,” Inola said. She looked happy to see me with my pets.
I picked Millie up, cautiously observing the reflection shining in her eyes.
My features were enhanced to perfection. The difference was not drastic, but it was noticeable. I was paler, my cheeks devoid of any pink. My eyes swirled with glowing color, the blue, green, and gold competing against one another. The individual hues became more prominent depending on how I shifted.
“Thank you,” I said to Inola sincerely. Trying to be as gentle as possible, I held Millie close to my chest.
Inola came up behind me and tickled Dandelion’s nose through the cage. “Can I get you anything?” she asked quietly.
“No. I just . . . I’m kind of scared of being alone.”
She patted my shoulder. “I will stay with you.”
“Thank you.”
For three days, I hardly moved. I mostly stayed in the corner and held my animals while Inola sat in an overstuffed armchair, reading and sipping coffee.
I had no desire to do anything, and once again, the auto-pilot mode took over me.
To my great surprise and relief, I was starting to feel nothing at all. For hours I stared at the wall, only breathing a few times per minute. The box fan in the room stayed on, drowning out many of the sounds of the other vampires here, but I could still hear many things if I cared enough to concentrate.
I had to really focus on not giving in to my thirst when I smelled blood. It seemed to be a nearly constant presence here. Although always tinged with iron, the blood smelled different depending on whether it was vampire blood or human blood, and even then, they all had an individual scent mixed in with the iron.
I knew human blood from vampire blood by instinct, and the human blood was definitely harder to ignore.
Yet none of the scents of blood bothered me as much as Gabriel’s had.
His blood had beckoned to me in a way that had been irresistible. It was made for me. It was mine, but I wasn’t going to take his essence inside of me; my bitterness was more powerful than the captivating call and smell of his blood.
Occasionally, I would shudder, feeling the knife at my stomach and remembering Gabriel’s blissful bite at my neck, but I forced the panic away out of sheer desperation. The more I repressed, the deader inside I became.
Distantly, I knew there was panic building behind the dam of numbness inside my heart, but I couldn’t worry about my emotions exploding again.
How could I worry when I had lost the ability to care?
Slowly, the soothing balm of blood left my throat. The pain of thirst reminded me more than my heightened senses and appearance ever could of what I was now. No matter what, the fire burning inside my neck was something that could not be ignored.
When I slept, I chose to dream. I dreamed of my parents, my grandmother, and my lost friends. My life that could have been. I dreamed of playing with my dogs in the sunshine.
So many things forever lost to me.
I would never have any more dogs; I refused to try to replace the three pets that had loved me so unconditionally. They had guarded me and slept with me as I’d cried from nightmares and darkness. I would never forget them. Their lives and deaths were forever carved into my heart.
Never again would I see the sun. Only the glow of the moon and the stars could touch me, a distant reminder of a much warmer light.
And never again would I allow myself to fall under the spell of Gabriel’s hypnotic gaze. Maybe becoming a vampire was always meant to be my fate, but I was not going to allow myself to love him anymore.
His fault. Everything was Gabriel’s fault. All his fault . . .
No matter what I let myself dream, those very words refused to fade, chanting like a sickness inside my head.
But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. His eyes, his touch, his blood. His soul.
***
I was fully numb to everything except the pain inside my throat.
I stood inside the walk-in closet, trying to conjure up the desire to laugh. Exactly what did one wear when joining an ancient vampire coven? Inola had told me that the coven was so old that only special circumstances allowed vampires to join Violet Memory anymore.
Apparently, being turned by my Eternal who happened to already be a member made me qualify.
I eyed the few dresses I had bought on the shopping trip with Inola months ago, the only clothes I hadn’t bothered bringi
ng home. I knew not knowing what to wear would have made me laugh before, but now?
Now I truly understood how Gabriel had felt for most of his life. No wonder he’d nearly killed himself. Why live when you just didn’t care?
I grabbed a knee-length, purple dress with black flowers from the hanger and slipped it on. I completed the look with gray leggings and black ballet flats.
“I’m ready,” I said, stepping out of the closet.
Inola was examining her flawless makeup. She had on a one-strap dress the color of blood, and it flowed to the floor like a waterfall. I wasn’t familiar with designer clothing, but it looked ridiculously expensive. Her long black hair was threaded with pearls.
The color of her gorgeous dress made me swallow hard, and the motion made my dry throat scream in protest.
Inola turned to me. Her eyes went wide, and I didn’t blame her. Compared to her, I looked like a teenager going on her first date. Inola looked like a queen.
“Um . . .” I could see her searching for the right words. “Perhaps I have a dress in my closet you would like better than that.”
I held my hands up. “Does it really matter? I’m already dressed.”
She tapped her fingers against her glossed lips. “I suppose not, but can you at least brush your hair?”
I sighed and went to the vanity. The mirror was encrusted with rubies. I ignored the color as best as I could and sat down, extending the brush to her.
She rolled her eyes, but smiled. “Spoiled child,” she whispered, her hands gentle as they combed through my curls. After a few minutes, she held my shoulders firmly. “Sit still. You are always fidgeting.”
I ignored the jab. “My mom used to brush my hair, even when I was a teenager. Both of us knew I was too old for her to be doing it, but it was our way of bonding, I guess. It was one of the few things we did together without arguing.”
Inola’s eyes softened in the mirror. “I suppose that would explain all the requests you made of me during your last stay here. I always wondered why you wanted me to brush your hair so often.”
My throat flared with pain. If I still wanted Inola to brush my hair tonight, perhaps my numbness was only an illusion. I wondered how long the dam would keep the panic at bay. My eyes were lifeless as they locked with hers.
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