Far-out Show (9781465735829)

by Hanna, Thomas

  Delmus asked, “Come on, what are the fidgemits waiting for? How sure are you that your gimmick to make them leave our hidden remote controls alone wouldn’t permanent damage the engines or something?”

  “The supervising engineer said it was unlikely that our requested safeguards could do any major harm.”

  “No guarantees but you approved the programs anyway.”

  “We approved the programs because we know any guarantees about things like that are worthless. We have enough tech background to know that exactly what they might do to try to get back to the default conditions or to find ways around the safeguards without going back to the defaults would determine the effect they produced. If they do something weird or that violates the system’s restrictions that we kept them from knowing about they could mess up a bunch of things. And permanent damage can’t be entirely ruled out,” Ackack said.

  “What happens now?”

  “Keep busy by dreaming up ways to convert this confusion into program material. We don’t have any action to show from the scene but if we’ve actually lost them the audience will understand that what we show them as the last minutes of Whizybeam is a recreation.”

  “Or a total fabrication. You’re probably right. But make it scary and exciting enough and they won’t care.”

  A harsh tone sounded and Techim appeared on screen. Delmus almost threw himself across the console to hit the button that put her through to them and asked, “What do we know?”

  “Contact is reestablished,” Techim said. “We’re still analyzing the signals. We can’t detect some routine feedback signals. That probably means they’ve kept some changes in place but we can’t be sure yet. They seem to be back to full power and the life-support systems are working.”

  “We were confident they’d get around to using common sense,” Delmus said. “We’re going to have words with them and make sure they know they have no choice but to return all systems to their default modes. You techs should find all the feedback returned to routine soon.”

  Techim nodded. The screen blanked. Delmus signaled a zerpy that usually hovered off to one side until needed to approach and prepare to transmit their messages.

  “It’s time to get tough with them. Are you ready, Ackack?”

  Soon Halsey was on the view-screen from the producers’ office on Whizybeam projecting his usual calm and unflappable air.

  Delmus launched right into it, demanding “What did you guys do that caused the whole ship to lose power like that?”

  “We appreciate your warm and sympathetic words since we were in grave danger from your faulty equipment. At the appropriate time – which means before the appropriate audience - we’ll demand a full apology for saddling us with untested material that could easily get us killed,” Halsey said.

  “Did your guys tinker with the systems? Is that what caused the problem?” Ackack shouted as he waved his arms around in what was intended to be a threatening manner.

  “The systems malfunctioned but our clever techs were able to figure out what went wrong and fix it. We’ll provide our full report when we get back,” Halsey said.

  “Things should be back to normal but they’re not,” Delmus said. “You weren’t authorized to change anything.”

  “Don’t be a discer prumous, Delmus. We are expected to do all that needs to be done to keep your ship working until we get it home. It’s in the contract. I won’t waste time talking about such crilmentzee.”

  “The signals we’re receiving don’t give us the feedback they should to show the systems are working as intended,” Ackack said. “Also, what took you so long to get the engines started again? It’s common sense that if you change something and that produces an unexpected result you reverse what you did to correct the problem.”

  “That assumes that you know that any changes you made caused the problems, Ackack. Did you sent us off in a ship rigged to break down without reasonable cause? Did A.D.U. actually sabotage the very guys it’s depending on for product? That doesn’t seem like a sensible way to do things,” Halsey said.

  “We’re not the ones who messed up in this case,” Delmus said. “Tell us what you did.”

  “We dealt with defective equipment so we wouldn’t die out here because of someone else’s paranoid stupidity.”

  “Put everything back the way it was,” Ackack demanded.

  “Didn’t we? What’s changed? And how do you know that? This is getting more interesting by the minute,” Halsey said.

  “It’s legitimate for us to install feedback programs to keep tabs on how the ship’s systems are working,” Delmus said. “That’s a valuable piece of machinery you’re sitting in.”

  “And it’s all yours. Or more precisely, the governors’.”

  “You haven’t answered. What happened?” Ackack demanded.

  “We had and likely will continue to have technical difficulties,” Halsey replied calmly. “They’re to be expected with untested systems.”

  “Not so! Every part of that ship was thor...uh simulation tested.”

  “Whoops, you almost said too much, Delmus. Thoroughly tested isn’t true. Anyone with a technical background knows that simulation testing of the separate parts doesn’t hold up, you have to test the fully assembled components under realistic conditions. Don’t you have guys with tech skills on your payroll to advise you two about these things?”

  Ackack said as firmly as he knew how, “Technical difficulties won't cut it, Hasley. We need explanations and we need show material and we need it all soonest.”

  “I'm sure you do,” Hasley agreed pleasantly.

  “That's it? I'm sure you do?” Delmus bellowed angrily

  Both stared at the screen where Hasley only smiled calmly.

  “We're under pressure here,” Ackack insisted. “The audience demands more - right now. This time they won't sit still for the usual drag it out for days or weeks routine. They’re changing the rules for Pacification By Distraction With Entertainment and the governors are worried about violent reactions.”

  “That must be alarming to you.”

  “Okay, Hasley, enough of this. We demand answers,” Delmus said. “Why haven't you sent in more episodes? What's going on with the other contestants? You signed up four of them but we've only heard from one, this Nerber.”

  Hasley made a gesture of helplessness. “We're having technical problems with the faulty equipment you supplied us. Faulty equipment that you're now falsely claiming that we agreed to buy. We also have to focus on the danger of our guys being captured or killed. You don't care about that except as stuff to amuse an audience but we do.”

  “Not good enough. We kept this mostly between the few of us to give you more control but no more, we're talking to the other producers onboard,” Ackack said in what he clearly intended as a threat.

  Feedle slid into view in a chair beside Hasley as Lacrat stepped over to stand behind them where he would be in frame. Feedle said, “Do you want to talk to us? We’re right here.”

  Lacrat added, “We're co-producers so we don't keep business-related secrets from one another. That means we all have the same response to your demand. Uh oh, there it goes again, technical difficulties.” All three smiled and waved, then the screen went blank.

  “What happened to the feed?” Delmus demanded.

  “They turned us off. For now they can get away with that but that won't always be the case.”

  Ackack stepped to the console and pushed buttons, then watched the view-screens but those remained blank.

  “What about the secret transmissions?” Delmus asked.

  “That's what I'm checking on. The zerpies intended to go to the planet surface were all programmed to record constantly. They should then upload that material directly to us at each transmission window, bypassing the ship’s systems and without the zerpies or the contestants being aware of it, but we've only gotten a few snatches.”

  “So the producers have turned that off?”

  “Or
altered it so they're getting that continuous feed from the contestants without it being sent on to us,” Ackack said. “Or it was a contestant who found out about it and fiddled with the zerpies to record it all but not transmit it to anyone, giving them a bargaining item to persuade us to sweeten their rewards. We don't know who's changed it, all we know for sure is that we're not getting anything. Okay, here’s something else. This stuff is just in. We're the first to see this.”

  “First after an unknown number of technicians who'll deny they looked at it but did. When we started out as techs we always checked the stuff out before we let our bosses see it. In the interest of making sure it was as viewable as we could make it, of course, never to spy on the content,” Delmus said with a snicker.

  “Of course not since that would have violated the oath we took to get the job. In this case we're paying a certain tech on their staff to make sure we see the stuff that might affect the company even if the Bang-Boom guys don't want us to see it.”

  “Especially if they don't intend that,” Delmus said.

  Nerber appeared on the screen facing the camera as he crouched among the trees at the corner property. His expression said this was a serious report. “It may be awkward for those in charge to learn but we Ormelexians have a seriously flawed idea of what the inhabitants of the planet I'm visiting are like. Especially we don't know pipsid smigmollians about how they talk and therefore about how to understand them. Our technical guys did their best making educated guesses to interpret the transmissions from here but it's obvious to me now that those signals were so badly degraded that we ended up with simplistic expectations about this place.”

  Ackack freeze-framed Nerber’s image. “To say publicly that the leaders are wrong is a no-no. Saying that we're wrong is even more no-no. No matter how right he is, we can't let this get out.”

  Both shuddered at the thought of what could happen, their feet flopping like flags in a gale wind.

  “We'll need to have a strong talk-talk with him when he gets back,” Ackack said. “Before he's allowed to talk-talk to anyone except in carefully edited recorded interviews.”

  “I agree. Too bad because he looks so serious and concerned that it's a good show. If he's this way in the rest of his stint there he'll make us super rich - and that's okay.”

  Ackack tapped a button and Nerber continued on the screen. “Of course I cannot see the final edited results but I expect you can when you compare old signals from here with those you are getting now that the new zerpy is orbiting this planet.”

  The screen image changed to a vague grainy mishmash with few hints of shapes. Archived Transmission appeared at the bottom. The audio contained a great deal of distorting static.

  Lucy Ricardo seemed to say, “Oh decimal, Rinky dushn't snow howtaw cerbrake halyweenker but I teesh him ta lightning yup.”

  The screen image changed to a clear view of an urban street where two ladies, one a redhead, stood in Halloween costumes and masks. Current Reception of Repeat of Same Transmission, Unedited, appeared at the bottom. The audio this time was static free. Lucy said clearly but in a flat tone, “Oh Ethel, Ricky doesn't know how to celebrate Halloween but I'll teach him to lighten up.”

  The screen image repeated that second video clip. Edited, Altered, and Augmented by A.D.U. now appeared at the bottom. The audio was clear and crisp. “Mirthful friend, don't be so picky. Stop resisting making whoopee with the sacred weenies. Educate yourself about how to make your rickety one burst into flames.”

  Ackack tapped a button and the screen blanked. “Our version's definitely the best, but if it's going to be questioned we have a problem.”

  “We did shape our world’s ideas of what that planet and its guys are like,” Delmus conceded.

  “Which is what we were expected to do but we'll still get all the blame if the masses decide they feel misled.”

  “The masses won't care that we used the best technology that was available back then or that we didn't correct their notions as we got better information because we didn't want to upset them. Bottom line, can we suppress this?”

  “No chance. It had to pass through the hands of the Bang-Boom guys and through our own techs’ hands so there surely for true will be copies. Sooner or later we won't be able to pay someone enough to keep them all quiet.”

  “Of course if an accident smithereened the whole production crew and contestants...”

  “We don't know who all they've already sent copies to or who can monitor all the signals we send to them on Whizybeam so don't even give yourself the satisfaction of thinking that,” Ackack warned.

  “But we do tell the producers that since they generated the idea for the show and many of the claims about the planet they get the blame when the masses or the government decide it’s time to hold someone accountable for what turns out to be bad information.”

  “Agreed. I'll contact them right away. They're on the spot so they shouldn't make it worse for themselves by saying anything of substance without checking with us.”

  Delmus spun in circles in his swivel chair deep in thought.

  “What’s going on in your head, Delmus?”

  “If there's a big fuss there might be calls for public executions. Those producers and everyone else in the Bang-Boom Shows Certificated front office here at home are the most convenient scape candidates. I'll make some inquiries. Since we air their programs we should have first bid on an exclusive to show their executions.”

  “Dead or alive they probably won't be making programs we can use so we have to find other stuff to fill the time slots. Exciting stuff to keep the audience interested. The Far-Out Show had great potential but we knew there could be problems with so many unknown factors.”

  “Maybe we can make the old seem new again,” Delmus said. “Oh, I like the way my mind works some days. We have a whole pile of intercepts from this planet called Earth. We've aired a lot of it while the novelty of it being alien goings-on made it hot. Now we know what we aired were screwy misinterpretations of the stuff - so we reinterpret it all based on what we know now and air it as new, a fresh understanding of what the aliens were doing all that time. If it catches on we have exclusive control of many months of stuff. Twice as much if we make each episode a show of the old and new interpretations.”

  “Zinkers be-dee, Delmus, if it really catches on with the nearly mindless masses we can do several progressively "improved" versions of the same intercept and keep them sedated for a long time. It's a win-win-win. The audience is happily distracted; the government is happy because they're distracted; and we're happy because keeping them distracted will make us rich and influential.”

  “We know Hasley and his group think that since they're paying off a few little guys here they have the insider information on what we're planning and doing but we're paying off their guys to tell us that so we're the ones who have the insider dope on them. We need to make some things clear to them right away.”

  At the point the annoying shrill beep interrupted.

  Delmus and Ackack sat back in their chairs before Ackack brought up Hasley, Feedle, and Lacrat on the view-screen.

  Hasley said, “Good, you're both there so we don't have to repeat this warning.”

  “Warning about what?” Delmus demanded.

  “The contestants and the whole production are definitely in big danger. Whizybeam has continuing engine problems which may mean there's no way home.” Hasley said it simply, in a tone suggesting that really bad news needed to be laid out without a lot of nonsense.

  “That ship was certified as space worthy when your guys took command of it,” Ackack said. “If there's damage...”

  “When was the last time a ship from Ormelex passed through a snaggiewarp, Ackack?” Feedle asked.

  “Uh, never,” Ackack admitted. “A selling point of this show was that it would test the theory that such travel is possible using the new design from P.D.Q.”

  “So of course you have the ship fully insured. Let's no
t waste time on that,” Hasley insisted. “We know A.D.U. doesn't take uninsured risks. But you've interrupted me. The greater danger is of more concern to the governors. The inhabitants seem likely to capture our contestants or zerpies.”

  Delmus immediately and excitedly asked, “Do you have good coverage of that? You're under contract to send the feed as long as it's physically possible no matter what happens to the contestants or your other employees.”

  Feedle said, “Choss choss. I'm shocked. Surely the safety of our guys is paramount, Delmus.”

  “Be as shocked as you want, Feedle, but a contract is a contract,” Delmus said with a shrug.

  “Never fear, we'll honor our contract to the letter no matter the price,” Lacrat said. “But we're also required to alert the governors that Ormelexians and their equipment are at risk of falling into the hands of the inhabitants, something they were adamant mustn’t be allowed to happen.”

  “We'll take care of alerting them,” Delmus said. “You deal with the imminent dangers and trust us to handle the politics.”

  “You're joking right,” Feedle guffawed. “With things not working as planned you'll be looking for someone to hide behind and we're the obvious suckers to blame behind our backs. You’ll probably even suggest we be publicly executed as a distraction to amuse the masses.”

  “You guys need to trust us,” Ackack said. “Uh, we're all in this together. Your success is our success and your failure...”

  “Is our problem alone,” Hasley said with a sad shake of his head. “Like who gets the blame for your company messing up the translation of messages from here long before we brought this show proposal to your company?”

  “How do you know that? Oh right, you saw the contestant's transmission,” Delmus said making a gesture of frustration.

  “Let me consider this. What might persuade me to keep quiet about this when I see a clear duty to the governors?” Hasley asked as if thinking aloud.

  “Oh, it's that kind of thing,” Delmus said. “Okay, what will it...?”

  Ackack made a vigorous gesture and the image of the producers disappeared. The hovering zerpy that has been sending their responses revolved away from them. “Not in a transmission, Delmus! We know anything we say that could be used against us will come back to haunt us. We got their message and we'll find a way to answer them.”