Nico (The Leaves)

by Hartnett, J. B.

  This left Lark. She was excited that Teensy had chosen her as a dressmaker, but also as her Maid of Honor, even if she wasn’t her first choice. Teensy adored Lark—her words—and already thought she was the driving force behind Zack proposing, and honestly, she was. But she’d never say it.

  While my girl was off trying to make something beautiful even more beautiful, if that was possible, I drove out to my folks place. Frodo and Zack were manning the shop until I got back to close up and make my way to the party. Another fuckin’ headache since I was pretty sure I would have slept with at least two of the women in attendance. I used to fuck anything that moved, and most of Teensy’s friends, for lack of a better word, were sluts. No judgment, they just were. But I’d worry about that later.

  I walked up to the front door and heard, “We’re out here.”

  Mom and Pop were in the garden. Mom’s green thumb in full swing while Pop raked a small stone path free of leaves. I approached them both with my hands shoved into the pockets of my shorts. I said the first thing that popped into my head.

  “Sorry about the cake.”

  Mom walked over to me and put her hands on my cheeks. “No baby. We’re sorry. This was our mistake. We made a huge mess that you have to clean up. A little cake in the family room carpet is nothing compared to that.”

  She moved us to the picnic table they had set up in the garden area. It was actually three long tables put together with mismatched chairs on either side. They had a decent-sized cooler sitting on the end with a few cups.

  “Iced tea?”

  “Sure,” I said and took the offered cup from her. Pop joined us, but remained quiet.

  “So, you said you had something to talk to us about? We’ll tell you anything you want to know.” Pop moved a seat closer to hers.

  “It actually has nothing to do with Lark. Tawnea came to see me last night. Mom, I know she is about your least favorite person in the world, but I think you can help her.”

  “Does she need that stick removed from her butt?” She smiled.

  “Mom,” I said, and let the word hang there. “She came to me for a tattoo… like yours.” I watched her face morph from that bitchy smile she had before into a serious one.

  “I’ll call her momma, Nicolas. Leave it to me. Are you gonna do it? The tattoo I mean?” she asked.

  “She’s gonna be the last one, Mom. I’ve been thinking about it. After that woman’s husband beat the crap outta me, you know, it slowed down. It was all word of mouth, how they found out about me. But, about a month ago, Lark insisted we watch this movie. She went on and on about how funny it was—”

  “What movie?” Pop interrupted.

  “The Princess something, anyway, the chick in it thinks her man was taken by this pirate who has this reputation of killing whoever he captures, but he doesn’t actually. Her man, pretending to be this pirate, comes back to her, thinking she’s gone off with this other Prince… Jesus,” I rubbed my forehead, “… anyway, he explains to her that the guy who captured him and pretended to be the pirate wasn’t him at all. He was one in a long line of guys who had enough of the high-seas-pirate-life and would train a new guy… you just have to watch it. Anyway, point is, I found the guy. The new ‘me’.”

  The “new me” came about when I was up in the mountains with Lark. Angelica came in, but not for a heart. She came in to get her daughter’s name tattooed on her shoulder. She told Frodo about a friend of hers and wondered if I could help the friend out, she’d lost a baby, like Angelica. He said he’d get back to her and took her number. When I returned, Frodo and I talked about it, and I told him I just didn’t have it any me anymore. I would take care of my birds whenever they came in, but I wouldn’t take any more on; that would be Frodo’s new role, and it turned out, he was perfect for it.

  I also found out at long last why he was called Frodo. After two days of bank deposits sitting in the safe at the studio, I decided to go down, take the excess cash, and bring it to the safe at home. It was late, and I didn’t like to do it when no one was around, but Zack told me they’d taken in a lot of cash. He offered to bring it to his and Teensy’s place, but he was walking. It seemed like a bad idea. I only had to climb up a flight of stairs.

  The days of using the studio as a place to fuck chicks was pretty much in the past… or so I thought; I opened the door and heard, “Shh!” Then all was quiet until I heard, “Nico?”

  I flipped on the lights, and fuck me, Frodo stood there with some chick and his huge dick standing at attention. “Oh my fuckin’ fuck.” I laughed. “I can’t wait to tell Zack about this!”

  I threw my hands over my stomach and continued to laugh my ass off. “Killing the mood here, friend.” He smiled.

  “You sure about that? Doesn’t look like that tent pole is going anywhere.”

  “It’s how I got my name. I’m short, people started calling me Frodo when I was younger, loved the books so I got the tattoo on my back, but this guy right here?” He pointed at his dick, the girl with him hidden behind him. “I carry a big fuckin’ stick.” He smirked.

  “Yeah, you do. I’ll do the deposit tomorrow. Have fun you kids.” I laughed all the way up the stairs and had to have a beer and calm down before I could tell Lark. “Seriously, babe. He should be a porn star, not a tattoo artist.”

  But that pretty much broke the ice between Frodo and me. I told him all about my birds and the reputation I had. We came up with a plan to spread the word and I told him, “You‘re the new Dread Pirate Roberts.” Then I started to explain the movie to him when he said, “Dude, I’ve seen that movie like six-hundred times.”

  “Thank fuck for that,” I said.

  I told all this to my parents while Mom brought out some sandwiches, and they asked me what I was going to do about Lark.

  “I need you to make another cake, Mom. Just leave it at my place tomorrow. After the wedding, we’ll come home and I’ll tell her over a slice of yellow cake with chocolate frosting, just like we had when we were kids, and I’ll tell her the truth.” I put my hand on my chest and rubbed it.

  “You all right?” Pop asked.

  “Weirdest thing happened,” I said and took a drink. “I had a nightmare the other night. First time in years. Literally, since that night I slept next to Lark. After I left here, I went to the cottage and found Georgie… remember that bear you—”

  “I remember Georgie,” Pop said.

  “Well, it’s like the thing that was meant to take away the bad dreams actually brought them back. Did you buy that bear from a voodoo priestess or something?”

  “No, son. I did not.” He chuckled. “What was your dream about?”

  “I have no clue. All I know is, I woke up with this pain right here.” I put my hand there again. “But it’s also this thing Lark does, she lays her hand there. I know it’s sappy, but it’s like she’s giving me good energy or something. I don’t know.”

  “Doesn’t sound sappy, Nicolas,” he said.

  “Well,” I said, getting up from the table. “I got a man to get drunk, but not too drunk, and I have to navigate the women of Laguna Beach that I’ve probably slept with away from my fiancé and future sister-in-law, who hates me by the way.”

  “Did you fuck her, too?” Pop asked.

  “Tom!” Mom scolded.

  “No, but I did fuck her friend.” I laughed. “Sorry, Mom. Lark knows who I was and why I was that way. I just don’t want it to be in her face, that’s all.”

  I walked to the truck after kissing Mom. She said she would call Tawnea’s mom on Monday. Pop showed up at the door as I turned over the engine. “Are you gonna tell her what happened to her dad?” he asked.

  “She said he died,” I answered.

  Then I remembered.

  Pop was owed a favor. “Jesus.” I held the steering wheel. Then I thought about it a few minutes. “You remember you asked me once, would my women be better off if I went to the police? I don’t think Lark would be better off knowing why he was kille
d in prison. Do you?”

  “Doesn’t matter what I think, she’s gonna be your wife,” he said neutrally.

  “What if it was your wife, Pop?”

  He looked me in the eyes and said, “I’d take it to the grave. I’d carry that, so she wouldn’t have to.”

  I didn’t have to give it any more thought than that. “There’s my answer. Thanks, Pop.”

  No sooner had I pulled up to the back did I see Zack and Frodo approach. “We need your truck, you fuck-wit! We have to go pick up the booze… and the food!” Zack was clearly freaking out.

  “Dude, calm down. You could have just used Frodo’s dick to carry everything,” I smirked.

  Frodo smiled patiently.

  “What?” Zack shook his head, confused and irritated.

  “You didn’t tell him?” Frodo asked.

  “I thought I’d let you surprise him with it.” I walked to the house and opened the door.

  “Surprise me with what?” Zack asked while the two of us laughed. “Surprise me with what?” he asked again.

  “Zack,” I put my hands on his shoulders, “I know you’re fairly confident as a man…” I looked at his crotch. “But I wouldn’t leave this guy alone with Teensy if I were you.” I walked inside and turned the shower on. “Give me five minutes.”

  The caterers were already up at Teensy and Zack’s. Frodo and I lifted the kegs, and the three of us began to bring cake boxes into the house. Their place looked like Vegas. There were two poker tables where the living room usually was. The long dining room had a stage set up at the end. The pool table had been moved to the center of the room, and, what I hadn’t known before, it was also a dining table.

  “Finally!” Moira shouted at us. “Where are the cakes; they have to go right here! It’s the focal point! Come on!” she shouted again and tapped her pen against a clipboard. Zack handed her two long cardboard boxes. “Not me! Idiot! Them!” she said and pointed at two catering staff who helpfully took the boxes and began to arrange purple and red cakes on the tiered stand in front of us.

  “It really does complete the room,” Frodo commented.

  “Fag,” Zack said to him.

  “Hi, guys! Where’s my almost legally bound slave-boy been?” Teensy asked Zack.

  “Nico was late.” Damn if he didn’t start breathing hard every time Teensy walked into a room.

  “Was he now?” She smiled. “Actually, I need a moment alone with you, Nico. Come with me.”

  I followed her into the guest room which was packed full of presents. She closed the door behind her. “Nico?” she asked seriously. “What the fuck?”

  “What do you mean, ‘What the fuck?’” I cocked my head in confusion.

  “She doesn’t do it around Lark, but, be warned my friend, that Dee is on the warpath, and her army is headed straight for you.”

  “I know,” I said.

  “You do? What’s going on?”

  I decided to confide in Teensy. I knew I could trust her, and when all this went down and we all hopefully moved past it, Dee would be back in England and Teensy would be the only girlfriend Lark had.

  So I told her. Everything. I was amazed it only took ten minutes, but I told the story from the time we met as kids and how I’d been writing to her for the last few years to my plan on how to tell her. And on top of everything else, I told her I had just signed on to bird number fifty-three: Tawnea.

  “Damn, Nico. I think I just fell a little bit in love with you. That’s a fantastic plan you’ve got there!”

  “Might not work though, T. That’s the problem. Forces are working against me, and I needed Zack to help me. But I think I can pull Frodo away in the morning to help.” I leaned against a chest of drawers.

  “It’ll work out. She’ll understand, Nico. You didn’t do anything wrong. You only found out yourself. And if she doesn’t, I’ll help her understand. I can be pretty persuasive, and if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be getting married to the best man I know.” So weird to hear Zack described that way, but… they totally worked.

  “Thanks, T,” I said and hugged her.

  “Not a problem.”

  ***

  Lark and Dee came in the front door, and both women looked great. Girly day had been a success in my opinion.

  “Hey, Babe,” I said and took her in my arms. “Where can I touch you? You look… kind of… good enough to eat, but I don’t want to mess you up either.” I grinned at her.

  She leaned up to my ear. “Please mess me up. I want to be dirty. Really, really dirty.” She laughed and licked my neck.

  “Hey, guys, just in time. The show’s going to start!” Moira, who had put on her hostess game-face, moved us toward the chairs and stage area. Teensy and Zack were sitting off to the side wearing crowns like they were the king and queen of the castle, which they basically were.

  A woman I didn’t recognize was dressed like a master of ceremonies and addressed the room. “Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to our bash celebrating the nuptials of Mistress T and her Master Z.” Had a nice ring to it. “When you walked in tonight, you put you name in the hat if you wanted to be part of the show. So,” she opened a folded piece of paper, “will Nico please come up to the stage.”

  People clapped and hollered. “I did not volunteer for shit. I don’t want to go up there, babe,” I said to Lark.

  “It’s just a show, Nico. It’s okay. Have fun.”

  Little did she know Teensy and Zack’s idea of fun wasn’t my idea of fun. Not anymore.

  “Really think this is a bad idea, babe.”

  “It’s okay, Nico. I know what to expect.” She gave me a trusting smile as I reluctantly went toward the stage.

  “You know you should never keep… ladies, waiting.” Then she shouted, “I present to you, The Fuckables!”

  Holy fuck.

  I let my head hang down and dreaded whatever was going to happen. I looked over to Zack and gave him and Teensy a look to say, ‘No, I don’t want to fuckin’ be here’ and shouted to him over the music, “Did you sign me up for this?”

  “No, man,” he shouted back. Even Teensy looked apologetic.

  “Get me the fuck out of this,” I shouted through a gritted smile as I heard the twins appear behind me to a roar of the crowd.

  How they managed to fit the hundred or so people in there, I had no idea. The music was loud, the temperature hot, and two blonde, big-tittied porn stars were licking each of my ears.

  I said quietly to them, “Ladies, you know I love ya, but I love someone out there a whole hell of a lot, and I don’t want to piss anyone off, least of all the bride and groom, but I need to get the fuck off this stage.”

  Porn star one stood in front of me, her ass facing the audience while porn star two reached around and pulled down porn star one’s dress. Porn star one, unfazed, said, “That chick said you wanted to be part of the dildo show with us. She gave us your name and said don’t bother with anyone else.” The dress dropped to the floor and she put her hands on my chest. I was actually feeling sick to my stomach, and I was fucking livid.

  Porn star one spread her legs, which I assumed was part of the routine, when I asked, “Was this girl named Dee by any chance?”

  “Yeah, I saw her with that beautiful blonde. I thought they were lesbians.”

  “The blonde is my fiancé,” I said and looked down to see a long double dildo being put between my legs.

  “I’m outta here.” I went to the audience, tapped Frodo, and told him to go up. I laughed and shook my head like it was all just too much fun. I yelled out to Zack, “Let the Anaconda show these ladies a good time.” Then I walked out of the room, grabbed a random bottle of Jack, and went out the front door.

  Lark ran out to me a minute later.

  “Nico, what—”

  I spun around and shouted, “You know who signed me up for that shit?”

  “Keep your voice down,” she said softly. “The neighbors are gonna call the cops.”

  I reined
it in and explained, “Dee fuckin’ signed me up for that shit. She is determined to set me up and break us up, Lark. Can’t you see that?”

  And like a dark fuckin’ cloud of evil had just opened up over the house of Mistress T and Master Z, fuckin’ Dee appeared. “I didn’t have to try very hard, did I Nico?” she said with nothing but hate for me.

  “I didn’t do shit with those chicks, you fuckin’ psycho!” I shouted.

  “Nico, please, baby, keep your voice down.”

  I was so pissed I walked away from them both.

  I could hear Dee saying to Lark, “Open your eyes. Just see him for what he is.”

  I started to drink the Jack down and probably consumed a quarter of it before I walked back to hear Lark saying, “I don’t care what he did, Dee. We talked about this and I told you—”

  “He’s keeping things from you, and he knows I know, and not only that, ask him what happened last night,” she shouted back and played her card. That’s right. She’d seen Tawnea. Probably saw her half-naked body and me kiss her but couldn’t hear of word of why.

  “It wasn’t what it looked like,” I said.

  “What wasn’t what it looked like?” Lark asked and looked up at me for clarification.

  “Tawnea came to the house last night,” I explained, “I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet and—”

  “And he kissed her!” Dee spat. “She dropped her coat and she was in nothing but these teeny little shorts, he put his hands on her naked boobs and he kissed her!”

  “It wasn’t like that!!” I shouted. “She has been at you for months, Lark, doing everything she can to make you doubt me, us. I’m tired of trying to make it okay that she’s here and in my face and in your ear all the fuckin’ time. Yeah, there’s shit we need to talk about, but it has nothing to do with another woman. You are the only woman, Lark. Fuck!” I threw the bottle, meaning for it to go past the girls, but unfortunately, the bottle beaned Dee on the shoulder just as Officer Ynez and Officer Trask walked up.

  “Sir, can you please come and sit down on the curb here?” Officer Cameron Trask asked. I followed him because I really didn’t want any trouble. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse than it already was.