The Hospice

by Heidi Lewis

  “Well, you look a lot better than the last time I saw you!” she exclaimed. “And to what do we owe this happy, smiling face? Oh don’t worry explaining, I think it must be love…” she started singing in a warbling tone.

  “Aah Mom, stop! I’m ill, not deaf,” he joked, holding his hands over his ears. That is exactly what I want to talk to you about. Please come and sit down so I can talk you through my grand plan!”

  Jack’s mother was so happy to see him happy, so she quickly sat down and gave him her attention.

  Jack started to tell her about his plans for proposing to Maria, and how Nurse Patricia was willing to help with all the official bits, so all he needed from her was support with the practicalities.

  He noticed that her body language changed and she became more guarded. She stopped smiling and started to look very serious.

  “What’s the matter, Mom?”

  “I don’t know. It’s all so fast. How can you be sure after only knowing each other for a few days?”

  Jack held up his hand and said “Stop!” in a very firm voice.

  “Mom, just look where we are. In a hospice. How long do I have to live? Days? Weeks? All I know is that I love Maria, and no matter what the circumstances, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I want to marry her. That would be true whether we were ill or not. So, it is what I am going to do. The question is, will you help me or not? I don’t need permission, but because of this crappy disease, I can’t physically organise the happiest day of our lives!”

  How could she refuse him when she could see how excited he was? How could she not help him to make one last dream come true? And, she had to admit that she had dreamed of him marrying a sweet, young woman and ……She could not finish that thought, because that part of the dream would never come true for her.

  “Okay, son. You have my full attention and support. What can I help you with?”

  “I knew it wouldn’t take long for you to get excited about planning the best wedding ever!”

  “So, first I need help to organise the proposal. I want to do it at my apartment. All I want are a few hours for us to imagine what it would be like to live there and enjoy a “normal” evening – cooking dinner, watching TV and …”

  “I don’t need to know all the details, Jack! Just the bits I can help with,” she laughed.

  Jack explained how he would love to serve dinner (pre-cooked lasagne please) and serve a glass of bubbly with a ring secretly hiding at the bottom of the glass.

  “About the ring, Mom. Do you remember promising to give me the antique wedding ring that belonged to you grandmother? Does the offer still stand?”

  “Of course, Jack. Nothing would make me happier than to see it on the finger of someone you love. It is what I have been hoping for you for so many years.”

  “I just never imagined that it would be under these circumstances,” she thought to herself.

  “Okay, so all I have to do is: produce a ring, clean the apartment, cook the meal and book a taxi to and from the hospice. When is all this taking place?”

  “Tomorrow evening, if Maria is well enough and her parents agree…

  Oh crap! I am going to have to do the whole “get the father’s permission thing! It will have to be done at visiting hours today. How will I do it without giving the game away to Maria?”

  “Why don’t you try and catch him as he is leaving this afternoon? Perhaps your “Helpful Nurse” could waylay him until you get there?

  I must admit, I haven’t seen her mother here very often? What does she do?”

  “Oh, she has a fancy boutique in the town. I’ll find out the name and maybe you could pop in and get to know the “Outlaws”,

  Jack laughed.

  “But that’s perfect, Jack! She will be able to arrange a wedding dress for Maria!”

  “See. I knew you would be on to it, once you got your head around the idea. Now get out of here, Mom. You have cleaning and cooking to do!”

  Jack’s mother gave him a huge hug and kissed the top of his head. She put all her reservations aside and just put her whole heart into helping him to achieve his final dream.

  ***

  Jack tried to rest after she had left, but he could not stop thinking and planning. He decided to pop in and see how Maria was feeling after her morning meds and, knowing that the doctor’s had just finished doing their rounds, he was sure that she could do with a cuddle.

  He tapped lightly on her door and pushed it open slowly. Maria was asleep, so he tiptoed over to her bed and kissed her forehead. It was cool and her cheeks had a slight flush, which made her look like a cherub. He felt his heart swell as she smiled and opened one eye.

  “Hey, you!” she whispered. “I wish I could be woken up like that every day, instead of being poked about by Dr Smelly Breath!”

  “You look so beautiful when you wake up. How do you do that?”

  She budged up in the bed and gestured for him to join her. He pulled her into his arms and she could hear the strong, steady beating of his heart.

  “If only the rest of his body was as strong as his heart, she wished to herself.”

  They were both enjoying a rare day of feeling alright. Nausea was at a low level and it seemed that the medication dosage had been adjusted to the perfect level to keep them pain-free, but not doped up.

  “This is the perfect opportunity to put my plan into action,” Jack thought to himself. “Who knows when one or the other of us is going to have a bad turn again, or worse?”

  “So, what time are you expecting your folks today?” he asked innocently.

  “My dad and my sister will be arriving just after lunch and my mom will come this evening,” she replied.

  Jack knew then that his plan could work. If he could just intercept her dad on the way in, then her sister could keep Maria busy while he did the “deed”. Then he could get on with his planning.

  They heard the sound of the lunch trolley being wheeled along the corridor, and a nurse popped her head around the door.

  “I guess you two will be dining together,” she said sweetly and handed them each a small tray which contained spaghetti and an unidentifiable brown sauce.

  “Mm! Lovely,” Jack lied, and Maria started to giggle, almost spilling the contents of her tray onto the bedclothes.

  “Hey, I don’t make it, I just deliver it!” the nurse muttered and left the room.

  “Let’s share a strand of spaghetti just like the scene in “The Lady and The Tramp” she exclaimed, freeing a long piece of spaghetti from under the sauce.

  “Excuse me, but are you calling me a tramp?” asked Jack with a smile. “If my memory serves me correctly, your behaviour recently has been more Tramp than Lady and I like it!”

  He dipped his head and grabbed one end of the spaghetti in his mouth, while she did the same on the other end. They munched along until their lips met and everything else was forgotten until the trays nearly slid off the bed and they had to continue eating their lunches before things got out of hand.

  Maria marvelled at just how much fun and laughter they shared, even though they were virtually bed-bound.

  At about two-thirty, after a lovely nap in the sunshine that came through the large window onto her bed, Jack reluctantly stretched and said that he needed to have a shower and freshen up for the evening. What he needed to do, was freshen up so that he could try to resemble the type of chap Maria’s father would be willing to give his daughter’s hand in marriage.

  An hour later, he was sitting in the reception area, nervously paging through an old gardening magazine that had been left on the coffee table, while constantly keeping a lookout for Maria’s father and her sister. After an eternity, he saw them coming along the path towards the entrance together. They both looked so sad, but he knew that they would plaster smiles on their faces the moment that they came through the door because he knew that it was what his own family did too.

  As they came through the door, Jack rose from the chair and slo
wly approached them, hoping that they would remember him. He stuck out his hand to Maria’s father and said,

  “Hi, I’m Jack. We met the other day. I’m Maria’s friend.”

  Friend? Friend? How else could he describe himself? Lover?

  “Hi, Jack. Yes, we remember you, don’t we Kathleen? It’s impossible to forget you because Maria doesn’t shut up about you. I think that you have made quite an impression on her, young man! I’d like to thank you for making her time here so happy. We did not expect that at all.”

  “Yes, about that…… am, Do you think we could have a little private chat…..please, um…sir?”

  Maria’s father looked concerned, but then Kathleen started to giggle, and Jack knew that she knew what he was about to do.

  “I’ll go on in and see how Maria is, Dad. You and Jack can have your little chat,”

  She said, winking at Jack.

  Jack motioned Maria’s dad over to the corner of the room and they sat down facing each other.

  “Sir, I know that this is going to come out of the blue, but I haven’t had a moment of doubt since I first lay eyes on Maria that she is the one for me and I know that she feels the same way about me, and as we both know that we don’t have much longer to live, I…..,” Jack burbled on like a nervous twit, stumbling over his words, and not making sense to himself or Maria’s bewildered father. Then her dad stood up and Jack could see tears in his kind eyes. He stretched out his hand and said,

  “Let me make this easy for you. What do you want to ask me?”

  “Thank you, sir. Please may I marry your daughter?”

  “Of course! And when would you like this marriage to take place – given the obvious time constraints?”

  Jack flushed with pleasure.

  “I want to propose tomorrow,” he said, “and then I want to marry her as soon as it can be arranged. Thank you, sir, thank you!”

  “Please stop calling me sir, or I might change my mind. I’m guessing you’ll want to surprise her, so I will keep it hush-hush, but I have got to tell her mother and Kathleen, okay?”

  “Yes, just until tomorrow,” Jack grinned with excitement.

  Maria’s father walked off down the corridor to Maria’s room.

  Jack wished that he had the strength to jump and kick his heels together in the air, but he had to be satisfied with just imagining that it was what he was doing.

  Chapter Nineteen

  When Jack popped in to see Maria that evening, he found her sitting in the leather armchair staring out of the window. She had a contented look on her face, and then her eyes lit up and it turned into a smile when she saw him.

  He walked over and sat on the arm of the chair, close beside her. He put his arm around behind her.

  “So, how are you feeling?” he asked after kissing her long and lingeringly on the lips. “Did you have a good visit with your dad and sister?”

  Maria snuggled in under his arm and answered him from there.

  “Yes, I was surprised that they were both in such good spirits and it made me feel so glad that we can enjoy our times together without them having to see me when things aren’t so good. Like this afternoon, after taking my meds, I felt nauseous and then I suddenly started vomiting. Looks like it could be my new party trick!”

  Jack became very concerned. He drew back to study her more closely. His saw her pale, sallow skin and the dark rings under her beautiful eyes. He felt his blood start to run cold with concern and misgiving.

  “Do you know why that has started happening? I know that we both have bouts of nausea, but usually, it’s just a feeling that passes after a short while. What did the doctor say?”

  “I am going to have some more tests tomorrow, but I guess it’s to be expected as my health deteriorates. It helps to be able to talk to you openly about these things, knowing that you completely understand what I am going through.”

  “Unfortunately, I do know, only too well,” answered Jack. “It’s like being on a rollercoaster sometimes. You can feel almost normal one day and then be knocking on Heaven’s door the next. Cancer is like watching a cat with a mouse. The mouse knows that its time is up, but it’s still alive. It’s mental torture!”

  Maria nodded her head in agreement. “I just can’t help but feel this is going to be more bad news.”

  Jack’s heart sank and he began to doubt the wisdom of his proposal plan. He could see that getting her to his apartment would be too much for her, especially after having to see the doctor in the morning.

  It took all his mental power to put a brave face on and turn the conversation to something light.

  “Do you fancy a walk to the recreation room to watch a film tonight? I think it’s something with no violence, no sex and no point – some chick flick, I think,” he said, ducking the feeble swipe she tried to take at him.

  “If I’d know that you were a chauvinist, I would not have given you the time of day! Lucky for you it’s too late for me to change my mind,” she said leaning in to kiss him.

  Maria went to the bathroom to freshen up and put on a bit of make-up. She smiled to herself as she realised that she was looking forward to the short walk down the corridor and a film, only because she was doing it with Jack. It felt almost as good as a date!

  As Jack sat waiting for her, he knew that his big plan was going to have to be adapted to suit how they were feeling in the morning. He decided to discuss the possibility of making an outing to the apartment with Maria, leaving out the proposal bit.

  When she came out of the bathroom, Jack whistled and said:

  “You are not going out looking that sexy, young lady! Come here and let me get a closer look.”

  “I would love to, but I am looking forward to seeing the movie and they don’t wait to start, you know? It doesn’t matter if someone is trying to wheel themselves in or struggling to drag their body a few metres down the corridor. The show must go on!” she giggled and walked towards the door.

  “Hey, I’ve been thinking,” said Jack, catching up with her and grabbing her hand.

  “I know it will be fun to watch a movie here tonight, but how would you like to curl up on the sofa in my apartment some time? I could rent a real movie i.e. something to terrify us both out of our wits, and lure you into my arms?”

  “Curl up on your sofa? In your apartment? What on earth are you talking about? In case you have forgotten, we both chose to move to this hospice for a reason.” Maria replied in surprise.

  Jack grinned and pulled her into his arms.

  “I mean, only for one night! Just so that I can snog you as much as I like, and not have any terminally ill people ogling in horror at us.”

  “That sounds amazing, but I’m afraid we are going to have to wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow morning before we can start making plans to do any of the above-mentioned things, including….” she answered with a sigh. Suddenly, she felt incredibly sad.

  They walked arm-in-arm down to the recreation room and found some seats near the back, where they could snuggle, without attracting too much attention.

  After a night of very little sleep, Jack had cleared his mind and he knew exactly what he was going to do. He realised that he had been kidding himself if he thought that they could try to have a “normal” engagement with all the frills at this late stage of their illness. No matter what was going on with the tests and doctor’s investigations this morning, it was not going to be good news and they both knew it. He was going to have to fast-forward his plans.

  He decided to call his mom and tell her about the latest developments.

  His mother was quick to understand and very sad to hear that Maria was getting weaker. Hiding her fears, she told Jack that she had found the old ring he had asked for, and she was going to take it to be cleaned. She would bring it over to the hospice when she visited later. Now, Jack had a new plan.

  As soon as the doctor had finished his rounds, Nurse Patricia popped into Jack’s room and started to do all her usual, da
ily procedures. When she had completed them, she looked into his eyes and he could see that she was deeply troubled.

  “Its bad news isn’t it?” he asked.

  “‘ ‘Fraid so, Romeo,” she nodded. “You will have to let Maria tell you herself, but I wanted to prepare you for the worst.”

  “When can I see her?” he asked, throwing back the bedclothes and scrabbling around frantically for his dressing gown. He bent down to find his slippers when he felt the nurse’s gentle hand on his shoulder.

  “She’s resting now. I guess she needs time to process everything too. Just give it a little while, okay?”

  Jack nodded and flung himself into the leather chair by the window. He slammed his fist down onto the armrest and did not hold back the tears that were streaming down his face.

  “This fucking bastard of a disease. It’s so cruel, so slow but so relentless!” he hissed in a low, angry tone. “I wasn’t asking for much! Just one night with the woman I love. Just the chance to tell her, in front of our loved ones that, in spite of everything, we have found our special love. But no, that was just too much to ask!”

  Nurse Patricia stood by his side and waited until his breathing calmed. Then she said with as much conviction as she could muster, “It’s not over yet, Jack!” There’s still life in the both of you, so don’t let cancer win. Fight for what you want. It’s all still possible.” And then she left quietly, cursing the disease in much fruitier language than he had, although it was under her breath.

  As Jack sat quietly, he thought about the wisdom in the nurse’s words. He had been foolish to think that he needed to do the proposal in the usual way, and anyway, this was a hospice, not Hollywood. They did not need all the pomp and fuss, and unnecessary stress. At grassroots level, he just wanted to make a declaration of his love for Maria – and that was exactly what he was going to do.

  After a rest and a mouthful of lunch, he could not wait any longer to see Maria. He went across the corridor and tapped lightly on her door.