The Hospice

by Heidi Lewis

  “Come in,” she called. When she saw him from her bed, her eyes lit up and her smile made his heart make a little leap.

  “I thought I would let you rest. So, how are you feeling today?” Jack sat on the edge of the bed, a little afraid to go too close because she looked so frail and delicate.

  “Unfortunately, the doctor says that there is a significant deterioration in my condition, just as I feared. My body is shutting down, and he suspects that the cancer is starting to spread to my brain. I have been feeling a little giddy and sick and I will probably soon lose control over my muscles. We knew this was coming, it’s just a little inconvenient when you are trying to have a love affair!” she smiled up at him.

  She was a master of the understatement.

  Jack’s heart broke into a million pieces, but he said, “In sickness and in health,” and he half knelt next to her bed (because hospital beds are very high), and took her hand in his.

  “Please don’t look so serious, Jack. “It’s okay. I have accepted it.”

  “I am serious,” replied Jack, “But not for the reason that you think. I have something very serious to ask you.”

  “Um…okay, what’s on your mind?”

  “Maria, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?”

  Maria lifted her head slowly from her pillow. With a straight face, she stared into his brilliant blue eyes for a few moments, before flinging her arms around his neck.

  “I thought you’d never ask,” she replied. “It would be my pleasure!”

  Jack jumped up and started doing a crazy celebration dance around her bed. “I’m getting married in the morning,” he sang in a dreadful Cockney accent and they both laughed hysterically. After a few moments, he remembered the ring in his dressing gown pocket. He slipped it onto her finger. She looked at it through eyes glazed with tears.

  “It’s perfect, Jack. Thank you.”

  “Glad you like it ‘coz I’ve only got the one!”

  Then he returned to her side and they began to plan their wedding.

  Chapter Twenty

  The chapel looked beautiful with flower arrangements in purple, magenta and white. Maria had wanted them to be as bright and colourful as possible and her mother and sister had successfully fulfilled her wishes. There were, what appeared to be, a multitude of creamy pillar candles burning all around the chapel, which gave it a warm, special glow. It highlighted the amazing stonework and glinted off the ornate gold trim on the altar.

  Jack stood serenely at the front of the chapel. He wore the jeans that he had arrived at the hospice in and an open-necked shirt. Johnny had fetched a jacket from his apartment. All his clothes hung a little loosely, due to the weight loss, but he still cut a fine figure. His bright blue eyes shone with happiness in his now gaunt face, and his spiky blond hair had been gelled into submission.

  Johnny stood by his side. He looked cool in his suit and blue suede shoes and so young and vibrant next to his ill brother. He appeared to have grown up in the past few weeks, and Jack felt an overwhelming burst of pride and love for his little brother.

  For once, Johnny’s phone was nowhere to be seen. His mother had confiscated it when they had arrived outside the hospice and had promised that she would return it only for taking photos later.

  It had taken only two days to organise the wedding. On reflection, Jack knew that whether they were sick or well, it was exactly what they would have chosen – simple and elegant.

  Nurse Patricia had pulled out all the stops to get the licence in record time and she had booked the local priest. He was a local man who looked the part of a kindly man of God with his curly grey hair and beard. He wore a long creamy, white cassock over his jeans and it was just possible to see his leather sandals peeping out from underneath. That made Jack and Johnny laugh softly together.

  Maria’s family had been given something good to focus on after receiving more bad news about Maria’s health, as if that were even possible, after all the suffering they had already been through.

  Her sister, Kathleen had shopped for Maria’s “dress”. They had decided on a beautiful, cream silk nightdress that was elegant and comfortable on her fragile body. There were to be no heels, because Maria was no longer stable on her feet and Maria had chosen a simple floral wreathe, entwined with white roses which had been picked early that morning by the hospice gardener, to wear on her head.

  And now her mother and sister were sitting expectantly in the front pew. With her husband on the other side of her, Kathleen felt as if she had all the comfort she was going to need to get through the day. She was satisfied that she had performed her ultimate magic makeover and she knew that her sister looked beautiful, in spite of everything. Her two children were delighted to be attendants and had decided that, if Maria was wearing a nightie, they also wanted to join in the “pyjama party”, so they appeared at the door of the chapel in smart new pyjamas and slippers, which made every one smile.

  Jack’s mom and dad were also right at the front on the groom’s side, with Bowser sitting between them. The beautiful dog wore a black bow tie around his neck and looked as if he was taking everything very seriously. Jack’s parents were smiling and looking nervously around, but mostly they were drinking in the sight of their two handsome sons at the front of the church and they knew that they should make the most of every second of this special day.

  Jack’s mom had quickly had the antique ring cleaned the day before and placed in a little velvet bag. Johnny had been given charge of it, and they both hoped that it had made the journey to the chapel safely.

  They had organised a simple wedding cake and a box of champagne to toast the couple after the ceremony. Nurse Patricia had kindly organised for the recreation room to be suitably decorated and anyone who was able to make it had been invited to join the celebration after the ceremony. So, they were all good to go!

  Back in her room, Maria felt calm and happier than she could ever remember. Another dream had come true. She was marrying Jack! It did not matter to her that it was going to be the smallest wedding ever, without all the trappings and expensive “must have’s” that most young couples get themselves into debt for, to try and outdo their friends. This was love and life reduced to what mattered.

  Her father, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. He paced around her room, running his hand through his spiky, grey hair and smoothing down his tie for the hundredth time.

  “I’m not cut out for all this spontaneous stuff!” he grumbled. I could have coped with a week’s notice…” He stopped mid-sentence, realising what he had just said, and turned to Maria apologetically.

  “I’m so sorry, love. That was insensitive of me.”

  Maria went to him and put her arms around his neck. Looking up into his eyes, she smiled and said, “Just be happy for me.”

  “I’ll go and get the wheelchair and then we should be on our way,” he said gruffly, smiling down at her.

  Maria gave herself a swift spray of soft perfume, although lately, she had found many everyday smells had become unbearably intense and nauseating to her. She also applied a last dab of lipstick to her lips that seemed to be constantly chapped, despite all the kissing. With her grandmother’s pearls around her neck and the simple roses in her hair, she looked angelic and ethereal.

  On her feet, she wore a simple pair of white Converse trainers. She smiled as she glanced down at them and felt glad that she still could make her own brave choices. She picked up the single white rose that she was going to carry in her hand, and went to find her “chauffeur”.

  When she saw the wheelchair, Maria burst out laughing. Someone, probably one of the nurses, had tied white balloons and ribbons all over it, with “Going to the chapel” on the front and “Just Married” on the back- with a few tin cans for extra sound effects.

  Maria’s father pushed her carefully down the long corridor and took the lift to the basement, where the chapel was situated. Her niece and nephew, Ben and Amy were waiting, impatiently
, at the entrance to the chapel and were delighted to see her arrive. She smiled at them and asked: “So, do you have the special surprise for later, Ben? And have you kept it a secret?”

  He nodded mischievously and then they were ready to go.

  The Wedding March blared out and Maria raised herself from the wheelchair and took her father’s arm. The two little ones paraded seriously down the aisle in front of them with Amy clinging to Ben’s arm. Maria started to giggle at their seriousness and because of a sudden slight attack of nerves.

  Jack looked up the aisle and his heart stood still as he took in her calm elegance, her wide smile and the obvious joy she felt as she walked towards him. He could not help taking a few steps towards her, afraid that she would be too weak to walk all the way.

  But then she stopped and kissed her father before walking slowly into his arms.

  The service was short but sweet. The priest celebrated their love and made everyone smile with his funny anecdotes and kind jokes. At one point, he commented on Maria’s choice of footwear and she gave a quick retort: “I thought I might have to make a quick getaway!” which made everyone laugh, including Jack.

  After they had said their vows, Jack enveloped her in his arms and whispered, “Mine forever” and then they kissed. There was a spontaneous round of applause and smiles on everyone’s faces. There was not a tear to be seen.

  There was still some wintery sunshine, so they made their way to the front of the hospice for the photographs. Ben and Amy handed out their “surprise”. They had tubs of bubbles and wands, which they handed around and had everyone enthusiastically filling the air with hundreds of enchanting bubbles. For Bowser, this was the highlight of the entire day and he ran around madly trying to catch as many as he could!

  As they were celebrating the marriage in the recreation room, a couple of nurses had slipped up to their rooms and moved Jack’s bed into Maria’s room.

  “We should have done this a long time ago and spared them all the sneaking around,” they laughed when everything had been organised.

  ***

  While their parents, Kathleen and Johnny were handing out wedding cake and champagne to anyone who was well-enough or standing still long enough, Jack and Maria walked over to the tall windows overlooking the gardens and the lake. In the setting sun, they could see the swans swimming gracefully around and were delighted to spot the two who were always together. At that moment, they linked their beaks and made the heart-shape that Jack and Maria remembered from their first trip to the lake.

  “It’s a sign! A blessing,” said Maria, and Jack just nodded and smiled down at his beautiful bride.

  “Just like you and I, Mrs Keegan,” he said.

  Jack noticed that Maria had turned very pale and her skin did not even have a trace of the yellow tinge like before. He also noticed that the dark rings under her eyes had taken on a purplish tinge, like enormous bruises. He sensed that she was more than tired.

  “Are you feeling alright?” he asked quietly. “You don’t look too good.”

  Maria shook her head to indicate that she did not feel well at all. He immediately became concerned because she had not made a cheeky come-back. He realised the enormity of what they had achieved, as well as what it had cost her to become his beautiful wife, and he knew he had to take care of her.

  He called everyone together and thanked them for all their love and support. He looked at his mother when he said:

  “As funny as it sounds. I feel like I’ve done more living in the past three weeks than I’ve done in the past twenty-eight years. Meeting Maria has made me happier than I ever thought possible. It’s ironic, but we have only started living when we started dying.”

  Then he explained that he and Maria needed to rest and everyone understood why they had to leave. They kissed their parents and family, and then Jack sat in the wheelchair with Maria on his lap, as Nurse Patricia wheeled them away.

  ***

  By the time Maria was tucked up in bed, her breathing had become laboured and she winced in pain every time she took a breath. Jack too, felt as if he had run a marathon, but he also felt like he had won the best prize of his life. He held her hand as Nurse Patricia attached tubes and administered meds, all the time keeping his eyes on her. Eventually, she fell asleep and it was his turn to be nursed.

  “So, Romeo, you made a dream come true for the both of you today. It was the most beautiful wedding we have ever had here at the hospice. I am sure that you are both worn out, so I think you should keep your hands to yourself and give that poor girl a chance to rest.”

  “No worries,” Jack replied, as he felt himself drifting off. “Thank you for everything…,” he muttered as she quietly left the room.

  At some time in the wee hours, Jack was awoken by the sound of gasping. He sat up and saw that Maria was thrashing around and struggling for breath. He reached out to take her hand and he noticed that it was cool and a strange bluish colour. Bringing it up to his lips, he kissed each finger, lingering longer on the one that now wore his ring. She calmed and turned her head to look at him. Her eyes were slightly glazed at first, but then they cleared, she looked straight at him and, with absolute clarity, she said;

  “Jack, I love you, my husband. I will wait for you.”

  With that, she gave a huge sigh and Jack felt her hand, then her arm slowly became heavier and heavier, until it dropped back onto the sheet.

  He stood up and pressed the alarm button that was on the wall above the bed. Soon he heard footsteps running towards him down the corridor.

  For Jack, it was like the next few hours were happening to someone else. Maria was declared dead, but he had known that. Her parents and Kathleen came and various medical professionals went in and out, but for him, it was all like a dream. His parents and Johnny were by his side, but he hardly registered their presence. It was like his mind was already dead, but his body had yet to catch up. As much as he loved his family, he could not wait to be reunited with his wife and everything in between was just white noise. He so wanted everyone to go away and leave him alone to leave this world in peace.

  ***

  The gardener found him as he was making his way home that gloomy evening. Jack lay still on the bench by the lake, as the swans glided peacefully near him. He was ice cold.

  Earlier, after everyone had left, and at his request, he was alone in his room. He had made up his mind that there was no point in waiting for another sunrise if Maria was not going to be there to enjoy the day with him. He kept remembering her words in his head;

  “I’ll wait for you, my husband.”

  “You won’t need to wait for too long, my darling Maria.”

  When he had first moved to the hospice, he had asked Johnny to bring him a bottle of whiskey – the brand aptly named after his brother. Johnny had done so and it had remained in his wardrobe ever since,

  After lunch, Jack had put on his jeans and a jumper, his walking boots and a jacket, with a bottle of whiskey in his pocket. It would be quite a few hours before the nurses began their rounds to dish out meds, and most people were resting. He would not be missed for ages.

  There was a bitterly cold wind cutting through the trees, but Jack walked slowly, gulping the whiskey straight from the bottle. It burned his throat and warmed him a little on the inside, but his heart and mind were blank. Mixed with the cocktail of drugs he had taken earlier, it became a lethal combination.

  He followed the path around the lake and then dragged himself back to the bench that he and Maria had sat on. Feeling very drunk and sleepy, he took off his jacket and lay down on the bench.

  As the sun sank low into the sky, the temperature plummeted, and Jack slipped into a coma. He would feel no more pain.

  Chapter Twenty One

  It was a grim and dreary winter’s day when they buried Jack and Maria, side by side.

  It was hard to believe that, just a few days ago the same group of people had gathered together in this very chapel, so happy to w
itness the marriage of Maria and Jack.

  Now they stood around the open grave and it was as if all the tears they had shed and the sadness that they had felt when they had had the diagnosis, had only been a rehearsal for this dreaded day.

  The priest, very solemnly dressed in his funeral robes, said that there had never been such a fine line between joy and sorrow, as they had experienced in the past few days. He reminded them of the wonderful wedding that they had celebrated together a few days ago, and after he had read an appropriate Bible passage, he handed over to Jack’s mom. She stepped up to the microphone.

  “Did you know that in some religions, one is forbidden to cry for the departed because that would be disrespectful to God? Today, I am not crying because I think that would be disrespectful to our two wonderful, strong children who endured so much and yet found friendship, happiness and love in the darkest of places. They arrived here in a broken state and left complete.”

  Then she placed a white rose on the graves.

  Maria’s mother stood tall and elegant as she spoke.

  “Maria was kind and generous, funny and so, so brave. Despite the ravages of the illness, she became even more beautiful as her body faded. To Jack, for making her so happy, we will always be grateful.” She too placed a single white rose on the graves.

  Neither of the fathers was big on public speaking, but Johnny stepped forward and took the microphone,

  “I just want to say that I have inherited an enormous pair of footsteps to follow in because Jack was the best big brother anyone could wish for.”

  He started to sob quietly, but openly. Not even bothering to wipe the tears that streamed down his face.

  “I will miss the amazing friendship that I had with my brother and I will always try to make him as proud of me as I am of him.”

  Kathleen was quiet. She was desperately trying to hold back her tears because she did not want to release the flood of sadness that threatened to overwhelm her in front of her children.

  “I will miss my beautiful sister for the rest of my days. Her laugh, her clever wit and most of all her selflessness that allowed her to put our needs ahead of her own.” She took a deep breath as her voice started to crack.