The Last Testament: A Memoir

by God

  25 For her, a prayer has been answered.

  26 I will leave it to thee to discern the relevance of this anecdote to the rest of this section.

  27 In the meantime, I offer my own simple prayer to the Men (and Women) Downstairs:

  28 Humanity, I pray that you find it in your hearts to purchase many copies of this book;

  29 Because that is a thing that I want.

  30 Amen.

  EFFUSIONS

  (“On My Favorite Things”)

  CHAPTER 1

  1Favorite ice cream: butter pecan.

  2 Favorite color: infra-red.

  3 Favorite drink: Grey Goose extra-spicy Bloody Mary.

  4 (I mean that not mirthfully; I love a good Bloody Mary; it is what primordial soup would have tasted like, had it existed.)

  5 Favorite animal: dog.

  6 Full credit to humanity on this one; it was ingenious of you to breed so many different varieties.

  7 For though I did make them as companions, at the time of Noah there were only two kinds: cocker spaniels (like Sparky and Pillow); and sphinxhounds, which had the heads of dogs but the bodies of lions, and were 65 feet high.

  8 That thou wert able, in but six generations, to breed them down to Chihuahuas speaks volumes to thy talents in animal husbandry.

  9 Favorite flowers: daffodils and lilacs.

  10 (Yea, I am confident enough in my Godhood to say that.)

  11 Favorite plant: Venus flytrap. 50 billion insects have died in them, and not a single one saw it coming.

  12 Favorite continent: Antarctica; and evidently it is thine also, as thou keepest importing more and more of it to thy shores.

  13 Favorite monster: Godzilla.

  14 Favorite rocket scientist: Goddard.

  15 Favorite mathematician: Gödel.

  16 Favorite former name of the capital of Greenland: Godthåb.

  17 Favorite method of sending packages: Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.

  18 Favorite domain registrar: Go Daddy.

  CHAPTER 2

  1Favorite universal law: the third law of thermodynamics.

  2 Favorite subatomic particle: any flavor lepton tastes fine by me.

  3 Favorite element: helium, because I love balloons, and because it makes thy voices sound so funny.

  4 (Not a great blimp gas, though.)

  5 Favorite number: 667, just to one-up the devil.

  6 Favorite war: the War of Spanish Succession. A great, great war in every respect.

  7 Favorite monument: the Colossus of Rhodes.

  8 That thing scared me a little.

  9 It was a massive depiction of the Greek sun god Helios, in truth nothing but an overgrown idol; yet there was something in its mien and bearing that gaveth unto me the willies.

  10 I tried to ignore it; I tried to pretend it did not vex me; but whenever business took me to Rhodes I felt its icy leer.

  11 After 56 years I could take it no longer; so I sent an earthquake to knock it down.

  12 I felt better after that.

  13 Favorite monarch: Queen Victoria. Stature, majesty, and wisdom. And lo, could she fellate a penis!

  14 Favorite pizza topping: mushrooms.

  15 Favorite chemical compound: water.

  16 (True story about water: for a while I thought about switching it up and turning it all into HO2, which is a far more attractive-looking molecule.

  17 But as it happens, HO2 is the hydroperoxyl radical responsible for the destruction of ozone in the atmosphere; so for now the plan is on hold.

  18 Still, one of these days I might try it.

  19 If I do, let me know what happens.)

  20 Favorite language: to paraphrase Nabokov, my heart speaks Hebrew, my ear speaks Latin, and my head speaks angry Elizabethan English amped with reverb.

  21 Favorite planet: OGLE2-TR-L9 b.

  22 Favorite planet in thy solar system: Saturn.

  23 Favorite terrestrial planet in thy solar system: tie: Mercury and Mars.

  CHAPTER 3

  1Favorite book (ancient): The Odyssey. Those gods got to do so many awesome things—and they never even existed! Ah, myth is wasted on the mythic.

  2 Favorite book (medieval): The Da Vinci Code.

  3 I am referring, of course, to the original book of that name, written in 1502 by Leonardo da Vinci.

  4 It was the original self-help book, wherein the great master sought to aid readers by sharing with them the simple five-step “code” by which he lived, and that had made him so successful.

  5 It is long out of print now, and not a single copy has survived . . . or so scholars think.

  6 (Word to the wise: point an X-ray spectrofluorometer at the right-hand side of the table in The Last Supper.)

  7 Favorite book (modern): Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon.

  8 Lo, I just finished reading it a year ago, and I think I’m starting to get it.

  9 Favorite director: Alfred Hitchcock. His movies always keep me in suspense, which is not easy.

  10 Favorite painting: The Creation of Adam.

  11 Second-favorite painting: Campbell’s Soup Cans, by Andy Warhol. So much soup!

  12 Favorite artist: Jackson Pollock, because I am in on the dirty little secret of his success: he was not an abstract expressionist.

  13 Jackson Pollock was trying to paint landscapes the whole time.

  14 He was a terrible, terrible painter.

  15 Favorite music: these days I listen to goodly quantities of nondenominational middle-of-the-road pop; but I like all kinds of “good vibrations” in any frequency, from radio waves to gamma rays.

  16 Favorite band: the Beatles. End of discussion.

  17 Favorite rapper: Young Jeezy; for if my son was in hip-hop, that would be his name.

  18 Favorite folk music: none; the folk music of all nations and peoples throughout all time is equally unlistenable.

  19 Favorite hymn: “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.”

  20 Yea. Yea, I am.

  KORANICLES

  SURA 1

  1How shall I reveal to thee the history of my dealings with the prophet Muhammad; and of the revelation to him of the holy book, the Koran; and of the founding of my third great religion, Islam.

  2 So. . . Islam.

  3 Islam, Islam, Islam.

  4 Didst thou know it hath over one-and-a-half billion adherents?

  5 Verily; it hath.

  6 And didst thou know it is divided into two main branches: the Sunni and the Shi’a?

  7[Pause; thumb-twiddleth.]

  8 I must tell thee in all candor, that I have felt great apprehension concerning the writing of this section.

  9 I am Allah, the Wise, the All-Powerful; yet these days even I get a little nervous talking about Islam.

  10 Lo: sometimes I shall be up in heaven, and looking down on earth I shall in passing remark upon a particularly beautiful mosque, or worthy imam;

  11 Whereupon the Hebrew patriarchs and Christian martyrs gathered around me begin to gaze at each other uncomfortably;

  12 At which point the righteous Muslims nearby picketh up on the vibe;

  13 Until someone, usually the apostle James, will pretend to cough, and in so doing say “Al-Qaeda!”

  14 And a Muslim will thunder, “Why didst thou say al-Qaeda?”; and James will say no, he said “Ore-Ida!”, as in the brand of frozen potatoes; which in context maketh absolutely no sense;

  15 And the mood grows angrier, until I am forced to restore order by calling in the Heavenly Choir to soothe everyone’s spirits with their unique blend of nondenominational middle-of-the-road pop.

  16 So let me begin by telling thee what thou wilt not find here in Koranicles, or, indeed, anywhere else in this book.

  17 Thou shalt not find any “Satanic verses” anywhere in this book.

  18 Thou shalt not find any anti-Muslim propaganda anywhere in this book.

  19 Thou shalt not find any pork products anywhere in this book.

  20 And abov
e all, thou shalt not find any Danish cartoons of the prophet Muhammad anywhere in this book.

  21 I cannot stress this point enough.

  22 Indeed, thou wilt not find any visual representations of Muhammad in this book, period.

  23 No cartoons; no paintings; no drawings, etchings, lithographs, photographs, daguerreotypes, clip art, shadow puppets; nothing.

  24 The closest thou wilt come is on the twelfth page of the center insert; but that is purely by way of verbal merriment, not visual heresy.

  25 Having said all this, I must nonetheless now fulfill a promise I made unto the publishing house issuing forth these pages:

  26 “I, God, do hereby indemnify Simon & Schuster from any and all outrage, fatwa, or all-out jihad that may result from the contents of the portions of this book pertaining to Islam.

  27 And I further indemnify them from any anger on the part of members of any religion with regard to any of the contents of this book.

  28 I am Jehovah; I am God the Father; I am Allah; and I am solely responsible for the eternal truths contained in these pages.”

  29 (And though thou art free to pursue the earthly remedy of suing me for libel, I would really like to see one of you try to serve me that subpoena.)

  SURA 2

  1In any case, there is relatively little to say about Islam; for its holy book contains almost no new narrative, and its origins are far easier to recount than those of my other two faiths.

  2 By the beginning of the 7th century, Christianity was fully ascendant; yet in that religion, much of the praise and glory and majesty is offered to Jesus.

  3 I had come to feel like I stood in my son’s shadow; as if I were now second-best in my own universe;

  4 And thou knowest me: I am one jealous divinity.

  5 Now, let me state this as plainly as I can: I begrudge my son absolutely none of his success.

  6 That boy hath earned every Pietà and windshield bobble-head he ever got.

  7 So rather than hijacking Jesus’s religion, I decided to found a new one: one in which there would be no doubt who the boss was, and not befall upon me the same dilemma that 70 generations later would befall Tony Danza.

  8 I spent a good deal of time mulling over which world culture would most ably serve as the ethnic foundation for this new faith.

  9 The close runners-up were the Mayans; I simply cannot get enough of their passion.

  10 But in the end I went with the Arabians, for they were the pagans most ready to accept the one true God;

  11 And also I knew something they knew not, regarding a certain black substance buried in massive quantities beneath their endless sands;

  12 And I thought that, when this substance was discovered, if the people atop the land worshipped the same God as Christians and Jews, it could be allocated peacefully and without rancor amongst all my believers.

  13 (I will say it again: I am not perfect.)

  14 And so once more I sent my advance team out in search of a worthy prophet, for this time I wanted my word spread by an actual human being; not only to retain my centrality, but because after the last time out I received numerous complaints about nepotism.

  15 We very quickly settled upon the right candidate, a hard-working, God-fearing, patriotic leader:

  16 Muhammad: a true Allah-Meccan boy.

  17 Muhammad was not just a Prophet, but The Prophet; easily the best one I ever worked with.

  18 Charming, wise, astute, charismatic, judicious, well-spoken—the man was everything thou wouldst want in the founder of a major world religion.

  19 The only problem with him was that he came from Mecca; which though today is synonymous with a haven, bore in his time a reputation similar to that, among modern Americans, of Peoria.

  20 Lo, it was common to hear a Bedouin merchant say, “Yea, this caravan of silk and spikenard may prove popular in the cosmopolitan trading ports of Yemen; but will it play in Mecca?”

  21 Nonetheless I sent the angel Gabriel to him one night in the cave where he was wont to meditate, to tell him I desired him as my prophet;

  22 But at dawn Muhammad ran away, hesitant to embrace his new role.

  23 At first this did not surprise me; I knew from long experience that resistance was the typical first reaction of those called to prophecy.

  24 (For there are five classic stages of being called to prophecy: resistance, anger, paranoid schizophrenia, being swallowed by a whale, and acceptance.)

  SURA 3

  1Yet three years in, Muhammad was still showing reluctance, and a reluctant prophet is of little use to me; he is like unto a motivational speaker who intersperses his pep talks with phrases like “I guess” and “or not.”

  2 Finally I sent Gabriel back to visit him at his cave; this time more casually attired, and wingless.

  3 They conversed for a while of lighter matters; of family, and trade, and politics; specifically the Sassanid Empire, and the no-good crumbums who ruled it.

  4 Finally Muhammad came to the point: “Gabriel, it is humbling that Allah has chosen me to share his message with the people; but I beg thee to ask him to find some other messenger;

  5 One who is more pleasing to the eye; one not so . . . hideously deformed . . . so grotesquely repulsive . . . so revolting to gaze upon!”

  6 Whereupon Gabriel looked at Muhammad, and saw he was handsome, well-proportioned, and of attractive features; so he said, “Muhammad, I know not of what thou speak.”

  7 “Do not mock me!” replied Muhammad. “Dost thou not see the horrible, disgusting blemish rendering my appearance like unto that of a Pachydermous Man?”

  8 And he pointed to the right side of his chin, on which lay a small discoloration: a birthmark, perhaps one square inch in size, with two tiny curled hairs growing therefrom.

  9 It was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  10Bubkes.

  11 “Muhammad,” said Gabriel, “that is naught but a small birthmark; it is utterly unnoticeable, except from very close distance; I do not even see it.”

  12 “Because thou art an angel!” screamed Muhammad, concealing his face in anguish; “Thou canst look past such superficialities into the true essence of things.

  13 But I cannot put myself before fellow human beings as Allah’s rightful messenger with this, this . . . ugly, wretched, grotesque nightmare of a deformity that would leave onlookers groaning in horror and shrieking in revulsion . . .”

  14 And on and on he went, having somehow convinced himself that this tiny mark was a colossal monstrosity.

  15 But Gabriel, being a patient sort, reasoned with him; for two hours he wrestled with the Prophet’s body dysmorphia issues;

  16 Until finally Muhammad relented, and said, “I can contend with thee no longer; thou art Gabriel, the archangel of Allah, and I must obey thy commands.

  17 But I ask thee this boon: from now unto eternity, however many may speak of me, however many may revere me, however many people may come to know the glory of Allah through the teachings I will transmit;

  18 No pictures.

  19 I’m serious.

  20No . . . pictures.”

  21 And Gabriel sighed and said, “Fine.”

  SURA 4

  1So Muhammad began preaching my truth, and the news of his teachings quickly flourished; like a thriving Twitter account did it blossom, and its words of wisdom were soon RT’d throughout Mecca; and these teachings became the Koran.

  2 Now, in the six centuries since my son’s non-death, I had tried my blessedest to take a more selfless, compassionate approach to godding; but verily, I found it difficult.

  3 So I deliberately chose to write the Koran in a distinctly old school/Testament voice.

  4 Over-the-top praise; under-the-bottom condemnation; visions of paradise; angry propaganda; the constant threat of dreadful punishments for nonbelievers . . .