The Last Testament: A Memoir

by God

  5 It was like the Torah in a turban.

  6 More than any other piece of literature ever written, the Koran is a book people have either really, really read, or really, really not.

  7 If thou art in the former group, then thou knowest its three main, and more or less only, themes:

  8 1. I am awesome.

  9 2. Agree? Good.

  10 3. Disagree? Not so good.

  11 But if thou art in the latter group, I will do no more here than encourage thee to read it.

  12 I say this despite the linguistic challenge thereby posed; for though the Koran has been translated into nearly every human language, it loses many subtleties of meaning when not read and recited in the original Arabic.

  13 For example, in Arabic, the 35th ayat of the 24th sura, “Al-Nur,” provides this mystical vision of Allah:

  14 “The parable of his light is as if there were a niche and within it a lamp; the lamp enclosed in glass; the glass as it were a brilliant star.”

  15 That is the literal meaning; yet in the most common English translation, that same ayat reads as follows:

  16 “We will burn thy churches, and subvert thy way of life, and replace all thy mayo with tahini.”

  17 Thou canst see the loss of nuance.

  18 Yet still I would encourage all non-Muslims seeking better relations with Islam to read the Koran.

  19 And at the very least, I would encourage all non-Muslims who seek better relations with Islam not to flush the Koran down the toilet in front of Muslim detainees at Gitmo.

  20 For within the sphere of interfaith tolerance, the difference between having read the Koran and not having read the Koran, is smaller than that between not having read the Koran and flushing it down the toilet in front of Muslim detainees at Gitmo.

  21 I guess what I am saying is: if thou findest thyself holding a Koran for the first time, and are contemplating whether to a) read it, or b) flush it down the toilet in front of Muslim detainees at Gitmo,

  22 Go with a).

  SURA 5

  1In 622 A.D. Muhammad and his followers fled Mecca for Medina, marking the beginning of the Muslim calendar.

  2 (I must note here how much it confounds me that my three great faiths have three different calendars; making the year of this book’s publication 5771 to Jews, 2011 to Christians, and 1432 to Muslims.

  3 Yea, I know the Muslim calendar is lunar; and the Christian, solar; and the Jewish, lunisolar, which covers both bases; typically shrewd.

  4 But I am not partial when it comes to chronology; of no consequence to me whatever are the numbers inscribed upon thy checks; for though I work in time, I dwell in Eternity.

  5 If I wert thou—which I am not, thank me— I would synchronize my calendars, that you may all literally be on the same page;

  6 Choosing a day agreed upon by everyone as having no religious import whatsoever, and calling it the first day of Year One, and then celebrating Rosh Hashanah and New Year’s Day and Al-Hijra every year on the same day.

  7 And throw in the Chinese New Year, too, while thou art at it; they can start on any animal they like.)

  8 By the time Muhammad died ten years later, he had fought many battles; gained many converts; shown great wisdom; and, after becoming a widower, acquired 12 more wives.

  9 Some of these marriages were political; some provided compassionate support for widows; the final one was so that he might purchase household goods at the bulk rate, for they were cheaper by the dozen.

  10 But none was more blessed than his marriage to Aisha; his favorite wife; the “Mother of the Believers”; the one in whose company he received the most revelations; the one he married when she was six; the one whose father became the first caliph of the Sunnis.

  11 Anyway, these were the—what?

  12 Oh, I said her father became the first caliph of the Sunnis.

  13 Anyway, those were the—

  14 What? Before that?

  15 Oh . . . I said that Muhammad married Aisha when she was six.

  16 Did they what?! No!

  17 That is disgusting!

  18 Verily, that betrays thy ignorance.

  19 No; they waited until she was nine. Now, if I can—

  20 What dost thou mean, “pedophilia”? There was nothing improper!

  21 This was standard Bedouin practice at the time; so spare me thy culturally unrelative indignation; it was all completely aboveboard.

  22 Besides, trust me: she looked more like eleven.

  SURA 6

  1I slam’s success was immediate and immense; but I am proudest not of its popularity, but of its practices and tenets.

  2 This is not to say Islam is more correct than other religions; it is simply to say I like the way it does business.

  3 For Christianity is like unto Walmart: an unstoppable behemoth that will do whatever it takes to gain a foothold, offering its patrons mass salvation at a low price, and staffed with employees who only appear celibate.

  4 And Judaism is like unto Blockbuster Video: a creaky old institution evoking a bygone era; one can scarcely believe it still survives, and when one is forced to use its services one feels self-conscious, and unsure if one is doing so ironically or not.

  5 But Islam is like unto Starbucks: straightforward and unchanging; its menu but a few variations on a single theme; an institution to which throngs of people devote much of their lives.

  6 The faith’s genius can be found in its mission statement, the Five Pillars of Islam.

  7 Its first pillar is its creed: “There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is his messenger”; as catchy a slogan as thou wilt ever hear.

  8 And the second pillar is prayer: showing obeisance to the CEO five times a day while facing corporate headquarters; a clear directive which yields 7.5 billion adorations every 24 hours; very impressive numbers.

  9 And the third pillar is fasting: Muslims must fast from dawn to dusk throughout the month of Ramadan; team-building at its best.

  10 And the fourth pillar is almsgiving: all Muslims are required to spend 2.5 percent of their income for the benefit of the poor or needy; I defy thee to find a lower corporate tax rate anywhere; 2.5 percent makes Delaware seem like a socialist state.

  11 And the final pillar is the greatest of all, the hajj: all Muslims must make a pilgrimage to Mecca once in their lives; surely, the ultimate corporate retreat.

  12 Grueling? Yea. Sweaty? Yea. Filled with odd rites and awkward encounters with people one would rather not be rubbing up against? Thou bettest.

  13 Yet everyone is there for the same purpose; and has been sent by the same boss, as transmitted through the same assistant; and everyone wears the same clothes, so no one feels silly;

  14 And when it is over, everyone leaves feeling newfound appreciation for this 1.5-billion-person organization that despite all its success, still manages to stay true to its small-town roots;

  15 And all while limiting the annual trampling deaths to no more than a few hundred.

  SURA 7

  1I have briefly related the story of Islam, and seem to have gotten through it in one piece; and if it is all the same to thee I am going to stop now, before I write something that makes someone declare holy war on me in my own name.

  2 I will just add one final word, on a subject of much speculation in religious circles: the posthumous fate of Osama bin Laden, and the 9/11 hijackers.

  3 Many believe them to be burning in eternal anguish in the lowest level of hell; but some fundamentalist die-hards (or verily, die-easies) believe they are relaxing in heaven in the company of me and 72 virgins.

  4 Believe what thou wilt; I have sworn to reveal no details of the hows and whys and wheres of the afterlife.

  5 I mention it only because there is one aspect of it that, at least from thy viewpoint, has always struck me as curious:

  6 That being the lure of the 72 virgins, and the implication that that is the greatest reward I could possibly bestow upon a martyr.

  7 For lo, 72 v
irgins is a lot of virgins.

  8 If I were a mortal, heterosexual man, and 72 women awaited me in heaven, then yea, I would want some of them to be virgins; definitely.

  9 But at least a few dozen, I would prefer to have some experience.

  10 In fact, if it were me, I would want at least six or so total harlots.

  11 And maybe a couple of professionals.

  12 Not only would this greatly increase my short-term personal satisfaction, but it would also help break in the newbies.

  13 Anyway, that is merely my opinion; I have learned there is no accounting for taste, especially when it comes to paradise;

  14 And as it happens, none of this makes any difference with regard to the 9/11 hijackers;

  15 All of whom are burning in eternal anguish in the lowest level of hell.

  16 (Oops!)

  HINDUS

  (“. . . and Other Heathens”)

  CHAPTER 1

  1I slam and Christianity are the world’s two biggest faiths; and both, I am pleased to report, are crazy about me.

  2 That leaves Hinduism, with its one billion adherents, as the world’s largest totally wrong religion.

  3 I do not think I am disobeying my embargo on classified afterlife information to reveal, that all Hindus will be joining Osama bin Laden and the rest of the 9/11 hijackers in hell.

  4 But having said that, I concede there is much to admire in this vibrant heresy, starting with its caste system: as sensible a way to keep a civilization in lasagna-like order as I have ever seen.

  5 I am a big believer in stratification, as may be seen in earth’s beautifully layered rock formations; thy infidel scientists attribute them to sedimentary deposits made over eons; wrong!; it is not a geological process, it is a design motif.

  6 Strata are good not only for societies, but for each individual therein; for the man who knoweth not his place on the earth wanders it forever, but the man who knoweth his place can at least start fixing it up to make it look nice.

  7 Gays who proclaim “We were born this way!” are cheered, yet Brahmins who say the same thing are hooted; when in fact sexual orientation and social caste are both genetically encoded from birth.

  8 I also approve of yoga—not its New Age accoutrements; not the touchy-feelie instructors; not the Enya soundtrack; not the appalling western mutants like yogilates and yogaerobics and triyogathons; but yoga itself.

  9 I like to see thee stretch thy bodies; to bend and twist and contort the wondrous flesh I bequeathed thee into positions imaginative and limber.

  10 Lo, I mean not to sound creepy or anything.

  11 As for reincarnation, I have mixed feelings about that doctrine; not regarding its truth, of course, for it has none, but its spiritual effect on its believers.

  12 I see the appeal of a system of posthumous trans-species promotion and demotion; it turns life into a job, and death into a performance review, and both of these are bound to improve professionalism.

  13 But to look at every living creature as a potential former friend? To walk on the grass and be afraid thou hast trodden upon thy late uncle? To be served ratatouille, and wonder how many of thy own ancestors are vegetables therein?

  14 (On the subject of vegetarianism, it is ridiculous for Hindus to hold cows sacred.

  15 If I had meant for cows to be sacred, I would not have made them out of delicious, delicious beef.)

  16 Finally, karma; the notion of true cosmic justice.

  17 It is the same policy Abraham pushed me to adopt lo those thousands of years ago, and my reply now is the same as it was then: no; I prefer to move in mysterious ways.

  18 I move in mysterious ways; and my reason for doing so is even more mysterious; and the reason for that reason’s mysteriousness is so mysterious, even I forget what it is.

  19 But as the Unseen Force doling out providence, I can tell thee this: to the extent there is anything resembling karma operating on earth, it is not a boomerang.

  20 Karma is a bullet.

  21 And if another bullet comes back and hits thee, it means thy aim was off.

  CHAPTER 2

  1Hinduism may have its merits, but Buddhism I hate with every fiber of my being.

  2 I hate the Buddha; I hate Buddhist monks; I hate Tibetan bells; and I hate each and every one of their 31 planes of existence—a veritable Baskin-Robbins of nonsense.

  3 Heed me: I am a doer. Moses was a doer. Jesus was a doer. Muhammad was a doer.

  4 Life is for doers.

  5 Be-ers are good for drinking during football, but not for living.

  6 Seeing life as an illusion, desiring escape from worldly suffering, seeking unity with the All—these can only be seen as the deluded spiritual goals of 500 million crazy stupid cowards.

  7 I ask thee: what kind of religion has as its primary objective the extinguishing of the Self?

  8 I gave each human being a Self to serve as his loyal servant; to supply him with everything from a personality to a spirituality to a preferred style of peanut butter (mine: Skippy® Super Chunk®).

  9 Thy Selves are the best things thou hast going for thee!

  10 To forsake thy Self to leave thyself selfless is selfish.

  11 And for what? “Nirvana”? If that were but another word for heaven, so be it, but it is not; for heaven is a place, but nirvana, we are told, is “a state of mind.”

  12 Please; thou art far likelier to find happiness in the state of Maine, than a state of mind.

  13 And another thing: having spent some time with the Dalai Lama, I can report with supreme confidence that he is the 14th reincarnation of jack-all squat.

  14 O, he talketh a good game about serenity and transcendence and nonmateriality; but I have been inside his body, and it is every bit as fleshly and earthly and thing-y as thine.

  15 I do not trust that man as far as I can throw him; yea, yea, I know, I could throw him across the universe, but thou takest my meaning.

  16 And kōans? Rhetorical questions designed to break through rational thought to unlock intuition?

  17 Desirest thou a kōan? Here is one: what is the sound of one people too busy staring at their navels to keep from getting run over by Chinese tanks?

  18 Answer: !

  19 Wouldst thou follow Four Noble Truths? Here are four: 1) Meditation is pointless; 2) Life is not an illusion; 3) Richard Gere has not been in a good movie since Pretty Woman ; and 4) The end of suffering comes from liberation from Buddhism.

  20 I hate, hate, hate Buddhism more than any other single thing in the world today.

  21 Yea; even baby seals.

  CHAPTER 3

  1There are several other religions devoutly followed by millions of people that merit my breezing over them in a line or two.

  2 According to Wikipedia—which, by the way, nice try—the largest of these is “Chinese folk religion.”

  3 Verily: it cannot be all that great, if after thousands of years it still hath no better name than “Chinese folk religion.”

  4 Taoism also leaves me cold: the whole yin-yang notion means everything ends in a tie, so nobody wins, which nobody likes.

  5 Yet I do have a soft spot for Confucianism: a wise and well-thought-out religion that is practical, sensible, and focused on living an ethical life in the real world.

  6 The only thing wrong with it as a religion, is that it is not a religion.

  7 I also like Sikhism very much; it is like Hinduism but fully monotheistic; in fact I just asked my angels to find out whether their god is me or not; if it is I owe a lot of apologies.

  8 The Ba’hai Faith is the same way; I’m almost positive I am their God; for I have read their holy books, and the way they talk about him sounds exactly like me.

  9 Jains, however, are wusses.

  10 Fellas: wearing surgical masks to avoid killing microbes by inhaling them?

  11 That gurgling thou hearest in thy stomach is the sound of the 100 trillion microorganisms already living in each of your digestive tracts laughin
g at thee.

  12 Shintoism seems fine.

  13 Wicca? Please.

  14 Rastafarianism is a big excuse to smoke pot.

  15 (The irony is that there is no need for such an excuse as far as I am concerned, for I support marijuana; I created it to be smoked; indeed, I meet many of the nicest, hungriest people that way.)