by God
20 And then I started wondering if maybe the Mayans, as usual, were correct; whether this was the right time to end one phase of my career and move on to the next; before the memory of my greatness was obscured by my age, and I became like unto Brett Favre quarterbacking the cosmos.
21 For now that I had had some time to get my head together, and gain some insights as to who I was (and am and will always be), there was nothing to keep me from starting over; nothing preventing me from creating another universe, one better suited for my needs, at least at this point in my forever.
22 But I was finished with cheating; for I had seen the pain it caused, and could not stand the thought of the human race once again having to vie (albeit unknowingly) for my attention; for through every era of history it remained steadfast in its faith in me, even though I had given it many reasons—85,435,432,143, to be exact—not to.
23 I had made a vow never to be dishonest to thee again, and I meant to keep it; no, this would have to be a clean and total break;
24 For mankind, I love thee far too deeply not to destroy thee utterly.
25 And so I made the decision: one last crazy year, and then we say good-bye, not in regret but in friendship; valuing the time we spent together, treasuring the memories we shared, and putting behind us the anger thou caused.
26 The world began on October 23, 4004 B.C.; it will end on December 21, 2012; pencil it in.
27 (But remember what I said at the end of Facts 5:2–9, about there being a little wiggle room to leave time for a sequel if this book selleth well enough.
28 No pressure.)
CHAPTER 2
1So much for the when of Armageddon; but the how has been well-established for almost two millennia.
2 H. G., Jesus, and I worked out the details at a meeting shortly after the Crucifixion; and the plan we created is the one we intend to follow on December 21, 2012.
3 Shortly after that meeting in the late 1st century, I visited John the Evangelist and granted him the vision of end-times that he wrote down in The Book of Revelation.
4 Its hallucinatory imagery, discursive plot, cryptic language, and overall Ursula K. Le Guin–on-PCP feel have led many to question its authenticity as true divine prophecy.
5 But verily, everything on the page is an accurate and complete account of the vision John beheld that night on the Greek island of Patmos;
6 Which, like the tale of Leviathan, I made up as I went along.
7 How’s that for revelation?
8 What, didst thou really believe I would reveal every detail of the Apocalypse, so that when it comes thou wouldst know exactly what to expect and how to prepare?
9 Who dost thou take me for, Thor?
10 No, I used John to head-fake thee, and head-faked thou wert; for with Revelation as its guide, the end-of-the-world trade grew exponentially from a black market, to a cottage industry, to a legitimate business, to the military-eschatological complex it is today.
11 Even I am surprised it hath proven so popular; for in hindsight, most of the stuff I crammed into John’s hallucination that night was third-tier mythology I would not have fobbed off on the Inuit.
12 I attribute its continued influence not to the great number of people who have read it, but to the far greater number who have not.
13 For The Book of Revelation is definitely one of those works whose authority withstands ignorance far better than familiarity.
14 Verily, get high one night and read it, if thou wouldst giggle unceasingly.
15 But what I am willing to share, is the schedule for the signs leading up to the unknown events of December 21, 2012.
16 There will be one such sign every day (more or less) starting from January 1, and my team and I are putting a lot of effort into them; more than is strictly prudent, to be honest with thee.
17 For as thou shalt see, most of these signs require a great deal of planning and topnotch production values; and allotting the needed angelpower for their execution will put additional stress on the rest of the staff preparing for the dark, unfathomable events of December 21, 2012.
18 I could say we are doing it to pander to mankind’s love of omens, but the omens man prefers are of the cryptic variety; as with Nostradamus, who will write vaguely of, say, “a brown man from the south,” prompting the creative reader to make a mental connection that sends him leaping out of his chair yelling, “Hugo Chavez!”
19 Our omens, however, are much more unambiguous; moreover—and this is the real reason we are putting so much effort into them—they are fun.
20 We had a great time writing them, the boys and I; it was like the Ten Plagues all over again; and I know we shall have a good time turning them into reality, as we shall the mysterious, terrifying, indescribably inconceivable events of December 21, 2012;
21 The very first of which, against my own better judgment, I have included at the end of this schedule.
22 It is my way of saying thank thee, dear Reader, for devoting some of the precious little time left in thy life to reading this humble book.
23 I will pay thee back.
CHAPTER 3
JANUARY
1As the ball drops at midnight in Times Square, it shatters to reveal the severed head of Santa Claus.
2 In India, a two-headed cow is born to a two-headed sheep.
3 Italy wakes up to find it is now shaped like a ballet flat.
4 Everybody in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir marries everybody else.
5 Grand opening of the Galápagos Mega-Mall.
6 The average price of a gallon of gas in America hits $6.66.
7 A distant cousin he’d never heard of bequeaths Donald Trump his entire $5 billion estate.
8 An avalanche in Switzerland leaves 20 dead and thousands without chocolate.
9 Starbucks debuts its new “molto massimo” cup, which holds the same volume of liquid as the store itself.
10 Fox premieres its reality show, So You Think You Can Fly a Plane.
11 A madman gains control of Epcot’s Germany Pavilion. By the time he is stopped, six million novelty steins have been incinerated.
12 The UN General Assembly rejects Security Council Resolution 1981, which would have granted them permission to go to the bathroom.
13 Jennifer Aniston signs a 10-boyfriend deal with Us Weekly.
14 The Great Pyramid of Giza collapses in a Ponzi scheme.
15 Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais opens the show by shooting Robert Downey Jr. to death.
16 Physicists at the CERN Lab outside Geneva successfully convert two subatomic particles to Methodism.
17 It rains men. No one says “Hallelujah.”
18 Boox!iya, the last-known survivor of the Yahapde tribe of the Amazon rainforest, is accepted into the freshman class at Oral Roberts University.
19 Thousands of dead birds fall from the sky . . . to the ground!
20 Despite overwhelming evidence, Disney employees emphatically deny the incineration of six million novelty steins the week before.
21 Around the world, actual angry birds are seen attacking actual green pigs by hurling themselves in actual slingshots.
22 Half the world’s computers are hit with a virus that gives them pneumonia.
23 George Lucas begins preproduction on Star Wars Episode 0: American Graffiti. It is a shot-for-shot remake of American Graffiti performed by Ewoks.
24 The Great Wall of China collapses. The government immediately orders 100,000,000 citizens to stand on each other’s shoulders in a 4,000-mile-long line.
25 At some point today, the word “literally” is misused by literally everyone on earth.
26 The Osama bin Laden Hideout Family Funhouse opens in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Its slogan: “The best time you ever ji-had!”
27 Rivers run red with blood.
28 Rivers run yellow with urine.
29 Rivers run green with mucus.
30 Rivers run white with breast milk.
31 All waterways free to run with
bodily fluid of their choice.
CHAPTER 4
FEBRUARY
1The pope surprises Vatican observers by declaring February International Pedophilia Month.
2 Groundhog “Punxsutawney Phil” emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow next to that of the Grim Reaper. He dies on the spot.
3 After a long negotiation, Israel finally agrees to terms to a peace treaty with the Sumerians.
4 A piece of litter is seen on a street in Toronto.
5 The Anglican Church bans gays from entering the priesthood, but to safeguard its future also bans them from leaving it.
6 In the first primary election of the 2012 campaign season, the Iowa Republican caucus is won by the party’s previous nominee for vice-president.
7 A month-long bear market drops the Dow Jones to a 15-year low of 6,666.66.
8 McDonald’s launches its new sandwich “The McEmbolism.”
9 While cooking for friends, ex–British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward accidentally spills 100,000 gallons of vegetable oil in his kitchen.
10 A flotilla of 500 Cubans leaves Havana bound for Miami. The 25 left-handed pitchers onboard are granted political asylum.
11 In a 6–3 ruling, the US Supreme Court declares it unconstitutional for the guy living next door to them to play his music that loud.
12 Venus Williams eats a Mars bar while exchanging her Mercury for a Saturn in Neptune, New Jersey.
13 Frogs rain from the sky all afternoon. They trail off into a light frog-drizzle by early evening; then a mild night, with lows in the 40s.
14 When eaten, Valentine’s Day candy hearts spurt blood.
15 Just after midnight, the winner of the New Hampshire Republican primary is announced as the former weekend fill-in sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage.
16 American Air Lines flight 353, carrying 152 passengers and 11 crew, lands safely in Omaha, Nebraska. All on board are forced to spend time there.
17 An iceberg bigger than Rhode Island drifts down from the Arctic Ocean to the coast of Rhode Island, which it proceeds to taunt mercilessly.
18 The number of pornographic images a person can Google exceeds the number for which Google was named.
19 Thousands of dead fish come ashore . . . in fishing boats!
20 On Presidents’ Day the faces on Mt. Rushmore transform Dorian Gray–style to resemble the men as they would actually look if they had lived until 2012.
21 During a surprise visit to Mardi Gras, Queen Elizabeth II shows thee her tits. All things considered, not bad.
22 A meteor cluster appears over thy head at midnight.
23 The same meteor cluster is visible at noon.
24 The same cluster is visible three or four times, about a block behind thee.
25 When thou returnest home, thou hast a message from the cluster, introducing itself and asking thee out for a drink.
26 At the Academy Awards, Pauly Shore takes home Best Actor honors, while a block of she-wood upsets Katherine Heigl for Best Actress. Best Picture? Tyler Perry’s Taking a Dump.
27 Bowing to Tea Party pressure, the International House of Pancakes declares foreign pancakes no longer welcome in its restaurants.
28 The winner of the pivotal South Carolina Republican primary is a person who served five-eighths of a term leading America’s 47th-most populous state.
29 No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (Verily, I forgot it was a leap year!)
CHAPTER 5
MARCH
1March comes in like a lion biting the head off the president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference.
2 Justin Bieber—aged 18 years, 1 day—shoots his first porn.
3 Apple gives its new iPhone 6 rollout the personal touch, with its sales force dispatched to bump into every iPhone 5 owner at the exact GPS coordinates where he or she happens to be at 9:00 AM Greenwich Mean Time.
4 The city council of Berkeley, California, passes the Meat Is Murder Act. Eighty-seven residents are immediately arrested and charged with aggravated steak.
5 The Roman Coliseum is renamed Agility Global Integrated Logistics Stadium.
6 The Super Tuesday primaries put the GOP presidential nomination firmly in the grip of a person who once coined the word “refudiate” and then likened that coinage to Shakespeare.
7 Glenn Beck publishes his new novel, weighing in at an impressive 666 pages.
8 Al-Qaeda begins posting job offers on Craigslist. They pull them when some of the applicants start giving them the creeps.
9 The SAT introduces a fourth section, Tweeting. It also does away with the first three sections.
10 The global economy gets a short-term boost as Oprah Winfrey gives every human being on earth a car.
11 Americans set their clocks ahead an hour for Daylight Saving Time, but I foil their plans by moving the sun ahead an hour.
12 Japanese engineers unveil the first vehicle ever to run entirely on clean, renewable energy, the Toyota Bicycle.
13 Jesus’s face inexplicably appears on thousands of Renaissance paintings across the globe.
14 With his $5 billion inheritance from January, Donald Trump opens his second Trump Taj Mahal casino. Venue: the Taj Mahal.
15 Paranoid schizophrenia besets every player, coach, and referee involved in March Madness.
16 During spring break week, girls gone wild rampage across South Padre Island. The grim numbers: 400 dry-humped, 13 laid.
17 Not a single St. Patrick’s Day reveler vomits. Not one.
18 Kenyan Geoffrey Mutai makes history by winning the Los Angeles Marathon in exactly two hours, though Variety says it would have been a stronger race if he’d trimmed 20 minutes.
19 Thousands of dead roaches are found . . . in roach traps!
20 Jerusalem’s Dome of the Rock is fitted with a retractable roof and Astroturf.
21 The vernal equinox brings exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night, alternating an hour at a time.
22 Fifty thousand pandas march on Tiananmen Square demanding greater dietary freedom. They are massacred, and remain cruelly restricted to bamboo.
23 At dinner, every child between the ages of 4 and 12 demands more vegetables.
24The Hunger Games opens and becomes a global phenomenon, as does hunger.
25 Harsh economic times force rapper 50 Cent to scale back his name to 2 Bits.
26The Simpsons is cancelled.
27 The last native Yiddish speaker dies at 85 of complications from shpilkes.
28 A 5.3 earthquake strikes directly under Great Salt Lake. The resulting tsunami brines 93.
29 A conservative umpire calls President Obama’s ceremonial first pitch of the baseball season a balk.
30 March leaves like a lamb being petted by the new president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference until the lion reappears to bite its head off. (Lo, didst thou think they would lie down together?)
CHAPTER 6
APRIL
1With trumpets and lightning I descend to announce I have come to judge the living and the dead. Then I scream “April Fool’s!” and go back up. Zing!
2 Benjamin Moore purchases France’s Chauvet Cave—the home of 30,000-year-old cave art—and repaints it “Habañero Chili” as a synergistic promotion with Chipotle.
3 North Korea’s aging dictator Kim Jong Il formally transfers all governmental power to the little man in his head who is crazy.
4 Fox News airs a typical day of programming.
5 As the Masters begins, I receive a letter from the president of Augusta National. After considering my application, he has placed me on the waiting list.
6 The value of π is now found to be 6.66.
7 The ghosts at Disney World’s Haunted Mansion come to life and terrify visitors with ghastly tales of their former lives as employees at Disney World.
8 No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (It’s Easter. The kid deserves his day.)
9 Today’s primaries mathematically clinch t
he Republican presidential nomination for a person of whose five children, one became a single mother at 18, and the other four are named, from oldest to youngest, for: a sport; a weeping tree; an archaic flautist; and a branch of high school mathematics.