by God
10 After over a century as “The King of Beers,” Budweiser abdicates its throne to spend more time with its Budweiser Family of Beers.
11 At a press conference, the newly appointed Librarian of Congress attempts to show that libraries are cool by taking off her glasses, undoing her top blouse button, and letting her hair down. She is 73 years old.
12 The putative Republican nominee addresses an enthusiastic crowd of thousands of carbon-based human beings like thee, who sincerely want her to be their president.
13 The president of Somalia submits his resignation. Parliament rejects it. The president asks for a coup. The army demurs. The president demands to be assassinated. The citizens refuse. The president shoots himself. He serves out his term.
14 Iran successfully tests a nuclear bomb, only to realize afterward it was the only one they had.
15 On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, hundreds of victims’ skeletons rise to the surface demanding Céline Dion be handed over to them.
16 The Dead Sea Scrolls spontaneously combust. The only letters left behind are Aramaic for “zoinks!”
17 After a long battle with impotence, Hugh Hefner’s erection dies at age 86.
18 The state of Mississippi overruns its borders, flooding Alabama and Tennessee with over 80 square miles of stupid.
19 Thousands of dead cows hang on hooks . . . in butcher shops!
20 This 4/20 I shall be-schwag even thy dankest blunts into stems and seeds. Prepare for a buzzkill, bedbugs.
21 Plates and glassware emerge from the dishwasher soaked after I replace all thy rinse aid with rinse hindrance.
22 The planet receives a thoughtful Everest-sized Happy Earth Day card from the asteroid belt.
23 During a London production of Jesus Christ Superstar, every audience member’s cell phone starts to ring during the Act Two power ballad “Could We Start Again, Please?”
24 The ninth International Gathering of Shamans opens in Stonehenge with the annual Shaving of the Pits.
25 Not a single boss remembers to buy a card for Administrative Professionals Day. Millions of secretaries are mildly disappointed.
26 A massive blackout leaves Tokyo without power.
27 An 8.2 earthquake strikes 50 miles west of Tokyo, toppling many buildings.
28 The tsunami-damaged Fukushima Daiichi Power Plant #1 experiences a major meltdown; a radioactive cloud begins drifting south toward Tokyo.
29 Godzilla appears in Tokyo Bay and starts making his way toward the city.
30 Tokyoites continue patiently awaiting instructions from authorities.
CHAPTER 7
MAY
1A voice is heard over the PA system of all planes in flight, helpfully notifying passengers, “Today is May Day! May Day! May Day! May Day!”
2 To appease nervous parents, the governors of Colorado and Wyoming agree to round the corners of their states to make them baby-proof.
3 The Christ the Redeemer statue overlooking Rio falls off the mountain, but is saved from breaking when it lands on a local woman’s bootylicious ass.
4 Mexicans are baffled as Cinco de Mayo arrives a day early.
5 At the Kentucky Derby, Pestilence wins by a nose over War, with Famine taking third. Rounding out the superfecta? Thou guessed it: Death.
6 A four-month eating binge leaves Rush Limbaugh tipping the scales at 666 pounds.
7 Brangelina separate. After a bitter custody fight over their name, they agree to divorce as Brang Pitt and Elina Jolie.
8 An enormous tornado strikes western Kansas. There are no signs of life within a 50-mile radius. Then the tornado hits.
9 In Hollywood, production starts on a remake of a sequel to a film based on a video game modeled after a TV show licensed from a comic book inspired by actual events. Michael Bay is directing.
10 SeaWorld launches a new show featuring their seven seals; and lo, “The Seven Seals” is opened; and each seal heralds the coming of an even more adorable trick.
11 MTV’s new reality show Low-Class Ethnic Scum draws record ratings.
12 A woman bathes in Calgon but is not taken away.
13 Jesus tries to take Mary out to dinner for Mother’s Day, but returns to heaven in frustration upon discovering every table on earth is booked.
14 It is National Buttermilk Biscuit Day. That already seemed apocalyptic enough to me.
15 Climatologists reclassify the polar ice caps as “ice beanies.”
16 The world’s largest untapped reserve of oil and natural gas is discovered beneath New Jersey’s Trump National Golf Club.
17 Easter Island’s moai miraculously begin to speak. The talking heads are quickly hired by MSNBC to anchor prime time. Ratings spike.
18 Vatican City wins Eurovision 2012 with its Gregorian rocker “Don’t Alter Those Boys!”
19 Thousands of dead batteries are renewed . . . in chargers!
20 As today’s solar eclipse ends, the sun reemerges smiling and wearing sunglasses like he does on weather maps.
21 In the area of the Indian Ocean where Osama bin Laden was buried, fishermen start hauling in crabs with beards, turbans, and a vitriolic hatred of the United States.
22 Armaggedoni’s, an Italian restaurant near Calvary in Jerusalem, introduces a new dish: angel-hair fra diavolo.
23 The success of Low-Class Ethnic Scum prompts MTV to begin work on a spin-off, Subliterate Anthropoid Beach House.
24 Remember that meteor cluster from late February thou kept seeing? It appeareth directly overhead again on thy drive to work. Lo, it’s not . . . following thee, is it?
25
26 AWAY
27
28 ON
29
30 VACATION
31
CHAPTER 8
JUNE
1The Dalai Lama is arrested in a Queens brothel after beating a hooker senseless during a weeklong crack binge.
2 The earth briefly stops turning on its axis after Bill O’Reilly expresses his wish that the whole world was a no-spin zone.
3 Walmarts across America open stands selling lemonade for 10 cents, staffed by mentally challenged first-graders. All privately owned neighborhood lemonade stands go bankrupt within weeks.
4 On Thailand’s Visakha Puja (Buddha Day), an avatar of the Enlightened One enters one of Bangkok’s many sex-change clinics asking to be transformed into “Buddhina, Queen of the Lotus.”
5 A cooties epidemic renders half the world’s children icky.
6 At the World Scrabble® Championship, unknown contestant Lou Ceepher comes from out of nowhere to win the finals 666–0.
7 Blood trickles from faucets.
8 Blood pours from shower heads.
9 All plumbers are struck dead, leaving no one to fix the bloody faucets and shower heads.
10 The Tony Awards gives its Best Musical prize to Hold Me Now!: The Thompson Twins Story.
11 The presumptive Republican nominee for president, whom thou hadst forgotten about for a few weeks, appears on a major talk show, thereby reminding thee she is one of the two people who could be elected president of the United States.
12 The Southern Cross disappears from the night sky, replaced by the Southern Pentagram.
13 The Republican presidential nominee hires Karl Rove as Chief Sinister Cackling Machiavelli.
14 The Netherlands legalizes crime.
15 That same meteor cluster appears about a block behind thee on thy way to work. Weird.
16 It rains on all weddings held today. (Note: someone will inevitably tell the bride, “Rain on your wedding is a sign of good luck!” No. It is a sign of the Apocalypse.)
17 Jesus decides to return to earth to take me out to dinner for Father’s Day. This time he reserves a table well in advance. But at the last minute we both realize we’d rather just order in.
18 All employees are afflicted with a catastrophic case of the Mondays.
19 Thousands of dead presidents emerge . . . from wallets!
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20 The longest day of the year gets even longer when every person on earth’s in-laws drop by unannounced.
21The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are cancelled, replaced by The Larry the Cable Guy Beer ‘n’ Fart-Joke Variety Hour.
22 Pixar’s new release, Brave, is merely good, not great.
23 Willie Nelson cashes his bong.
24 A cloud shaped like a dragon breathes fire over Rome.
25 A cloud shaped like a unicorn gallops over London.
26 A cloud shaped like a cyclops gets fitted for a monocle over Athens.
27 A cloud shaped like a golem kvetches over Jerusalem.
28 A cloud shaped like Bigfoot picks its gigantic bunions over Seattle.
29 A cloud shaped like a leprechaun gathers shamrocks and says, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!” while washing with Irish Spring soap over Dublin.
30 A cloud shaped like a troll stands under a cloud shaped like a bridge frightening three clouds shaped like billy goats gruff over a cloud shaped like Stockholm.
CHAPTER 9
JULY
1In a live Canada Day interview, Gordie Howe tells CBC News he’s finally come to realize “hockey is stupid, eh?”
2 Microsoft replaces Skype’s software protocol with its own. Users immediately start experiencing total emotional shutdowns during video-chats.
3 Tom Cruise’s 50th birthday party is highlighted by Xenu leaping out of the cake.
4 Toby Keith shocks the crowd at the Fourth of July concert on the National Mall with his new song, “Osama Was Right.”
5 Google Maps unveils its new Bedroom View feature.
6 Today’s winning Pick-3 numbers are 666. More disturbingly, they are also the winning Pick-4 numbers.
7 Yellowstone National Park’s Old Faithful geyser begins spuming Star-bucks coffee. The average wait time remains 90 minutes.
8 A message awaits thee at home from that meteor cluster. It saith when it saw thee from above it found thee most comely to look upon, and it is back from its random low-inclination solar orbit for a few weeks, and that if thou wouldst like to meet for a drink it will be at McPhee’s at 8 PM this Sunday. It will be the pulsating iridescent meteor cluster in the back.
9 A Gallup Poll shows President Obama leading his challenger 71 percent to 29 percent. It has a margin of error of the American people.
10 UCLA names Demi Moore its first Susan Sarandon Professor of the Cougaring Arts.
11 Moses gets to plan today’s sign. I know not what he has in mind, but knowing him it will punk the Muslims.
12 The Strait of Gibraltar is closed to ship traffic after a mysterious 666-tanker pileup.
13 Outside Wrigley Field, two dogs give birth to two two-headed puppies during both games of a doubleheader.
14 Frenchmen wake on Bastille Day to find they all speak in thick American accents. They spend the rest of the year mocking each other.
15 Three biologists working in the Amazon discover a new kind of snake whose venom is deadly enough to instantly kill three biologists.
16 That meteor cluster calls again. It wonders if maybe thou wert busy Sunday, or if maybe thou drinkest not, in which case it begs thy pardon, and that it will next be in town on September 12 and will go ahead and make a reservation at Luigi’s at 8 PM under “meteor cluster plus one.”
17 Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez becomes the first star athlete in the history of American team sports to come out as an asshole.
18 All human beings wake up screaming from the same nightmare: being dunked in a vat of hot butterscotch by Corbin (L.A. Law) Bernsen.
19 Thousands of Dead Milkmen albums go on sale . . . in record stores!
20Batman 3: The Dark Knight Rises opens. (This is not a sign of the Apocalypse; I am just very excited about it. I have been monitoring the production in India and lo, it’s absolutely incredible. Not just the visuals, but the story. Yea, this shall be the pre-12/21 spectacle of the year!)
21 Australia sells all its baby koalas for $3 billion to Donald Trump. He says he plans to breed them as “world-class racing bears.”
22 The winner of the 99th Tour De France is a bag of human growth hormone taped to a Schwinn.
23 “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” comes clean. It was butter the whole time.
24 Lady Gaga appears in public dressed in a live cow.
25 At no point during his 16-hour drive from Cabo San Lucas to L.A. does Sammy Hagar violate the speed limit.
26Time magazine’s cover story is “Brie!: Why So Many Americans Are Finding This Soft Cheese Hard to Beat.”
27 The opening ceremony of the London Olympics is marred by a sudden, well-coordinated Oasis reunion.
28 The soon-to-be Republican nominee meets with 666 of her top fundraisers at a hotel near Devil’s Tower, Wyoming.
29 One of swimmer Michael Phelps’s four gold medals is taken away when video reveals that, prior to the race, he engaged in horseplay near the pool.
30 A Malpeque shortage forces horrified caterers at the 2012 Bridgehampton Polo Challenge to use Blue Point oysters in their seafood towers instead.
31 The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force adopts a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy toward Republicans wishing to serve.
CHAPTER 10
AUGUST
1Temperatures in Moscow reach 100°. Lenin’s corpse begins to smell, making the idea of visiting the embalmed body of the architect of a discredited ideology suddenly seem unappealing.
2 Terrorists attack the American section of the Olympic Village. They are later found to have originated from the al-Qaeda section of the Olympic Village.
3 The Maldives sink permanently underwater after a fat man cannonballs into the pool at the Malé Hilton.
4 As expected, Usain Bolt easily wins the gold medal in the 261.147-cubits.
5 V8 Vegetable Juice becomes V7 after contract negotiations with watercress break down.
6 In the Olympic men’s tennis final, unknown contestant B. L. Zebub shocks Rafael Nadal 6–0, 6–0, 6–0.
7 The first annual African AIDS Conference in Kinshasa hosts trillions of viruses from across the continent.
8 The Rosetta Stone, once written in hieroglyphic, demotic, and ancient Greek, is now found to be written in English, ASCII, and emoticons.
9 Prosecutors offer the Jehovah’s Witnesses exemption from prosecution in exchange for their testimony against me.
10 American Islamophobia literally reaches new heights when an angry mob vandalizes Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
11 Reenactors at Colonial Williamsburg declare independence from management, asserting their inalienable right to “life, liberty, and employee discounts at Busch Gardens.”
12 Extra-absorbency paper towels only perform at regular-absorbency levels.
13 The morning after the scheduled date, thou findest on thy doormat a tiny bolide comprised of the iron-nickel alloys kamacite and taenite. The meteor cluster! It knoweth where thou livest!
14 Rather than announcing her running mate, the soon-to-be Republican presidential nominee lets him do it himself, on his number one–rated syndicated radio show.
15 Muhammad gets to plan today’s sign. I know not what he has in mind, but knowing him it will punk the Jews and/or Christians.
16 On the 35th anniversary of his death, a vision of Elvis Presley crystallizes over Graceland, then succumbs to gravity and falls, razing the mansion to the ground.
17 A woman in the Congo gives birth to a baby with two dollars.
18 Wii 2 unveils Wii for Wii, a game letting users simulate the experience of playing Wii, only on their Wii.
19 Thousands are killed by a blizzard . . . at Dairy Queen!
20 Barry Williams—Greg of Brady Bunch fame—dies when a rogue swarm of killer bees sting him 111 times.
21 Maureen McCormick—Marcia of Brady Bunch fame—dies when a rogue swarm of killer wasps sting her 111 times.
22 Eve Plumb—Jan of Brady Bunch fame—dies when a rogue swarm of killer h
ornets sting her 111 times.
23 Christopher Knight—Peter of Brady Bunch fame—dies when a rogue swarm of killer yellowjackets sting him 111 times.
24 Susan Olsen—Cindy of Brady Bunch fame—dies when a rogue swarm of killer fire ants sting her 111 times.