by God
sheep, 86
shellfish, 86
Shem, 18
Sherman-Williams, 337
Shintoism, 253
Sh’ma Yisrael, 220
shofar, 118
Shore, Pauley, 335
Shrewd Manager, 190–91
Shroud of Turin, 145
Siberian shamanism, 205
Sikhism, 205, 252
Simmons, Bill, 156
Simms, Phil, 157
Simon, 183
Simon the Zealot, 195, 197
Simpson, Homer, 301
Simpson, Jessica, Canadian capital not exactly known to, 113
Simpson, O. J., murders committed by, 153
Simpsons, The, 337
Single White Female (film), 146
Sistine Chapel, 273, 275
Sixth Sense, The (film), 143
Sixtus the Pederast, 275
Sixx, Nikki, on driving tour of Route 66, 354
sky, 6
Skype, 344
slavery, 292
snake, 11–13
Snoop Dogg, vision seen by, 109
soccer, 158
socialism, God’s and Jesus’s argument about, 265
social media, 304
Sodom, 31, 33–35, 39
Solomon, 122, 124–25
Solomon, King, hospital visit of, 319
Somalia, political unrest in, 338
Song of Solomon, 125–26
Sophocles, 117
Southern Pentagram, Southern Cross replaced by, 342
Sower, 188–89
Spanish Armada, 288
Spears, Britney, dealer and baby confused by, 109
Spice, Ginger, ironic vomiting of, 110
Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (musical), 124
sports, 153–59
sports radio shows, 153
Standard Time, God’s foiling of, 353
Starbucks, 332
Star of Bethlehem, 177
stars, 6, 8
Star Wars Episode 0: American Graffiti, 332
Steve, 10–13, 32, 319
Stonehenge, 147, 339
stories, 185
Strait of Gibraltar, ominous tanker pileup in, 344
Subliterate Anthropoid Beach House, 341
Suez Canal, 292
Sumer, 28
Sumerians, Israel’s peace treaty with, 333
sun, 6, 7
SuperNanny (TV show), 307
Super Tuesday, 335
Supreme Court, U.S., 138, 217
music volume adjudicated by, 334
suras, 241
Survivor (TV show), 396
Switzerland, avalanche in, 331
Tabitha, 175
Tablets of Destiny, 28
Taj Mahal, Trump’s plans for, 336
Talmud, 99
tantric orgasms, 320
Tanzania, 335, 337
Tea Party:
funny clothes of, 136
pancake requests of, 335
tectonic plates, 52
telegraph, as mockery of God, 291
Ten Commandments, 83–84
Ten Commandments, The (film), 71
Ten Plagues, 74–78, 331
Ten Plagues Redux, 356–57
Tesori, Jeanine, 269
Thaddeus, 195, 197
Thanksgiving, 137
thermodynamics, third law, 230
They Live (film), 45
“This Land Is Your Land,” Woody Guthrie’s violent acts recorded in, 145
Thomas, 195, 196
Thomas Furniture, Lebanon’s cedars used by, 354
Three Gorges Dam, damage from collapse of, 353
Three’s Company, 43
Tiananmen Square, 336
time, creation of, 304
Time, shocking headline in, 345
Tira, 61
Titanic, 293–96, 338
TiVo, 307
Tobit, Book of, 117
Tokyo, 55
disasters in, 339
Tola, 120
Tony Awards, 342
Top Chef (TV show), 307
Tophel, 89
Torah, 25, 31, 94, 99, 279
Torquemada, Tomás, 271
Tower of Babel, 22–23, 39
Tree of Knowledge, 11–12
Trinity, 270
Trish (Lot’s wife, named for first time), 34
Trump, Donald:
inheritance of, 331
koalas purchased by, 345, 352
new casino opened by, 336
ominous number of properties owned by, 350
political appointment of, 354
Trump National Golf Club, discoveries under, 341
Tubal, 61
Turin Shroudmakers’ Guild, 145
Twain, Mark, 146
12, 302
Twelve Tribes of Israel, 46
Twitter, 304–5, 336
2 Girls 1 Cup, 304
Tyler Perry’s Taking a Dump, 113, 335
U2, 124
Ugallu, 28
Umberto, as model for Adam, 273
UN General Assembly, 332
Unitarians, 221
United States:
as a bit arrogant, 138–39, 219
God’s blessings on, 135–39
universe, God’s cheating with, 67–69, 286, 288, 293, 296
Uriah, 123
Uriel, 25, 26, 53, 74, 75, 80, 103, 118, 174, 274, 296
Mary’s pregnancy and, 176
on Sistine Chapel ceiling, 273
Us, 108
Us Weekly, Aniston’s deal with, 332
Uzbekistan, God’s pity for, 354
V8 Vegetable Juice, renaming of, 346
value of material goods (VMG), 222, 223
Variety, 336
Vatican, 274, 333
vernal equinox, new method of, 336
vestigial tails, 9
Vesuvius, 54
Victoria, Queen of England, 230
Victorian Era, God’s debauchery in, 291
Vietnam War, 139
virgins, 245
Voltaire, 254
Wailing Wall, 358
outburst of, 350
Walmart, children’s businesses displaced by, 342
Wampanoags, 137
Warhol, Andy, 232
War of 1821, as placed in wrong year, 62
War of the Spanish Succession, 230
Warren, Earl, 153
Washington Wizards, 157
water, turned into blood, 76, 78, 356
waters-division, 6
Webber, Andrew Lloyd, 47
web intitialisms, heaven vs. earth, 305–6
“We Didn’t Start the Fire” (song), 299
Weekly Prayer Report, 296
werewolves, 260
West, Kanye, 91
West Virginia, mine explosion in, 352
Wicca, 253
Wii for Wii, 347
Wikipedia, 252
wild beasts, 75
Williams, Barry, death of, 347
Williams, Venus, planetary activities of, 334
Wine Spectator, 350
Winfrey, Oprah:
boost to economy by, 336
weight fluctuation of, 109
Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod, 221
Woods, Tiger, multiple adulteries of, 112
Woodstock, 107
Word-a-Day Calendar, apocalypse predicted in, 352
World War I, spineless cowards of, 136
World War II, 136
World Wide Web, 304
Wright, Frank Lloyd, 255
Wrigley Field, 345
Wyoming, 340
Xenu, 344
Yahapde tribe, 332
Yahweh, as God’s true name, 299
“Yakety Sax,” 350
yeti, nonexistence of, 146
yoga, 249
Yom Kippur, 98
You Just Gotta Love Christmas (song), 164
Zach (H.G.), 166, 168, 174, 185, 186–87, 193, 195
as active partner in God’s
business, 268
details of Armageddon worked out by, 329
God’s restraint urged by, 287
in intervention with God, 296
“Jesusism” disliked by, 204–5
Jesus’s resurrection and, 202
as Justin Bieber, allegedly, 305
nickname given to, 167
personality of, 168
as proceeding from God, 289
reform of Christianity desired by, 275
Zebub, B. L., as up-and-coming tennis star, 346
Zebulun, Tribe of, 46
Zipporah, 93
Zodiac Killer, Jeane Dixon as, 144–45
Zophar, 130
My Creation Weekly Planner. Before I made the universe it was very hard to find one of these at Staples.
The first Casual Friday.
Sparky and Pillow, the only two animals Noah took with him on the ark. (If thou countest not the 3,000 fleas and ticks.)
There was something about the patriarchs that helped them see a unified vision of the future. (Not pictured: Bert.)
Joseph was a lifelong bachelor.
Outside some buildings, the Ten Commandments set the mood.
Outside others, they kill it.
David cheated.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
Jesus’s pre-Beatitudes checklist for the Sermon on the Mount. He later told me he calmed his nerves by picturing everybody naked, and baptized.
Whenever my son seeth one of these, he blesseth the car with an additional 3 mpg.
The Holy Grail. Photograph courtesy of the Mel Gibson Collection.
Theological debate among the twelve apostles often grew heated. Here, Bartholomew (Henry Fonda) argues a finer point of the doctrine of transubstantiation with Simon the Zealot (Lee J. Cobb).
They never show my son reading, or playing catch, or fishing. No. Always with the Crucifixion.
This is as close to an image of Muhammad as Simon & Schuster would let me include. I said, “What’s the big deal?” They said, “God, trust us on this one.”
The Crusades were wholesome high jinks for all involved!
Martin Luther King Jr. and Martin Luther. I always forget which one gave his life in the name of love and which one wanted all Jews put to work as agricultural slave labor.
James Madison. He begged me to add the Ten Commandments to the Constitution. I said, “No, make it ten amendments, and call it the Bill of Rights.” He said, “OK, but that’s a stupid fucking idea.”
Charles Darwin. He himself “evolved” . . . into being dead. Zing!
My favorite picture ever. Frankie, Sammy, Dean, and me. Vegas, 1960. Verily, we owned that town.
From the Sistine Chapel in Rome to a converted HVAC warehouse in Queens. Story of my life.
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Table of Contents
PROLOGUE
AGAINESIS
Smitus (“On Natural Disasters”)
Corrections (“On Errata”)
REDUXODUS
Jewed (“On the Chosen People”)
Glossy Ones (“On Celebrities”)
SEMITICUS
Sell-A-Thonians (“On America”)
Facts (“On Unsolved Mysteries”)
Games (“On Sports”)
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO DAD
Fillemin (“Godlibs”)
Pleader (“On Prayer”)
Effusions (“On My Favorite Things”)
KORANICLES
Hindus (“. . . and Other Heathens”)
Fallopians (“On Abortion”)
1,400 YEARS OF SANCTITUDE
Collations (“Recipes”)
Romance (“On Sex, Love, and Marriage”)
REVELATION
PRE-MISINTERPRETATIONS
Acknowledgments
Photo Credits
Index