Island Rush

by Marien Dore

  I guess he was right about me coming up with the idea. I feel he did much better, though. “How did you think of the clay?” I didn’t even know you could find clay like that.

  “When I was little, my mom and I use to go to the beach all the time. We made sandcastles and played in the water… I loved to dig in the sand. That meant finding clay,” he smiled at the memory. “My mom use to say it was a thick magical layer of dirt. So I naturally used it all the time when we went to the beach for my sandcastles. We use to have contests to see who could make the best sand masterpiece,” he chuckled. It made me smile to hear this from him. It was a little glimpse into his past. “She was always my best friend, in some ways. I miss her so much.”

  His voice said more than his words. It made my heart jump in sadness. If you read his words, it would appear as if he meant he missed his mother since he’s been on the island. But his voice gave enough away for me to realize he meant that he missed her from long before this. That he hasn’t seen her for a very long time. His face told me it didn’t end well either. It made my heart ache so much that I had to ask. “What happened to her?”

  He looked at me for a moment, first with surprise then sadness. “You don’t think she is waiting for me to return home with hugs and kisses?” he asked.

  “No. I can tell that you are very sensitive talking about her. It ended badly?” I couldn’t bring myself to ask whether she was dead or not. His voice said she was.

  “Yes. My mother turned into a bitter woman whenever I brought Jill around. She said Jill wasn’t for me and wasn’t good for me. She always reminded me that changing for her wasn’t right. It may have been true, but it wasn’t right for her to try splitting us up. She claimed that she couldn’t just stand by and watch Jill turn me into a stranger. Jill wanted nothing to do with her, and though I missed my mother every day, Jill was to be my wife. I had to stick by her side. My parents and I… we never really patch things up. The last thing she told me was that I was no longer the son she knew me to be. That was the last time we spoke.” He took in a deep breath as if revisiting that unfortunate part of his life was exhausting.

  His eyes reached mine from where they had been lost in the past. They seemed to be begging for understanding as he continued. “Now that I think about what she said, I think maybe I changed more than I thought.” He sounded unsure. That wasn’t the issue I had with his words.

  “She is alive?”

  He stared at me as if I were crazy. “Well… yeah. Why would you think she would be dead?”

  I had made a stupid assumption from his words. I stumbled over my words. “I… You just sounded so crushed, I just… That was what came to my mind at first. So, what do you think now? Do you regret how you left things?” I asked. I wanted to get past that little mistake I made. Not to mention, I was seriously drawn in now. He never opened up quite like this before.

  “I want to know if she was right. I want to know if I was being ridiculous and went too far in pushing my parents away. They had a problem with her so that meant I had a problem with them. I know it was wrong of me to change for Jill, but I thought it was for the best. Now I am not so sure.” He looked away from me. I was on the brink of screaming at him that his mom was right, that I saw what she had. Instead, though, I exploded with anger at him over something else. I couldn’t hold it back, especially with him calmly contemplating his shaky relationship with his mother.

  “You just never spoke to her? Over one disagreement? Do you know what you are losing?!” I stood up in rage. I couldn’t sit still at this point. “You are such an oblivious and stubborn asshole! She didn’t do anything to you! She was trying to help you, and you break off all contact with her over that!? Over her. I didn’t say anything before and wasn’t going to now, but your mother was 100 fucking percent right. Everything you said about Jill is awful. She is a bitch! She was probably this really nice chick when you fell for her but open your eyes! She is different and you couldn’t and still can’t accept that. So you stuck with her until eventually, you became like her.” I sucked in a hard breath, raising my eyebrows as I looked down. I shook my head as I licked my more than talkative lips. “You told me you felt different here on this island. Felt like your old self and that you like it. Do you see Jill around here because I sure don’t! What does that say, sir? Huh? You throw your time away, your family away, and yourself—”

  He was standing at this point, fire is his eyes. “You know nothing of me or my life! You are my student! You have no idea about her and my family. You have no business in it.”

  I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Then that should tell you how obvious it is since it’s clear as day for a stranger like me,” I continued, not controlling myself at this point. “Do you have any clue how lucky you are? Do you know how envious I am of what people have with their parents? You have both of yours, and you’re wasting your time staying away from them. Life is short, so you need to open your damn eyes and figure out what is there before it’s gone!”

  I breathed in rapid breaths. His expression changed from rage to a strange sadness and curiosity. “What made you like this? How can you think so deeply? I can’t agree with you about Jill, but you are so much older than your age suggests.”

  I laughed harshly for a second, shaking my head. I couldn’t believe I just said those things. I couldn’t help it, though; he was so blind. I wanted to prove it too. I wanted to shove everything I had in his face and force him to open his eyes. “You want to know why I am like this? You always wanted to know, right? You kept asking what I hadn’t told you, and I held back. I didn’t need you running to the cops. I held back while here too for several reasons.” One of those reasons had to do with me not wanting to get closer to him. Another was that I didn’t want to accept what happened. It will make what happened more real if I talk about it. It would be worth it though if I told him. Maybe then, this idiot would open his eyes!

  He came towards me, placing his hands on my shoulders, seeing this was big. “Tell me,” he pleaded.

  I did, my voice cracking with the lump growing in the back of my throat. “You are so lucky, sir. You have a family. You have a mother. A real father,” I said, and when I heard my voice slightly break, I bit my lip. The rest of my body didn’t feel great either. I took a deep breath as I allowed my shaky legs to give in. Falling to my knees, I could feel myself want to crumble. It was like coming to terms with her dying all over again.

  I took a deep breath and tried swallowing back that lump in my throat. Mr. Rush kneeled down in front of me after a long moment of standing there in silence. “What are you talking about?”

  “My mother is dead,” I finally let out. “She died last autumn.” My voice penetrated something inside of me that I had been holding in. I never told anyone about it and never said the words for my full acceptance. I felt relief.

  I saw him shocked before, but this was different. His mouth slowly dropped open and stayed that way. Stunned eyes, searching my face, he saw more than the sadness I held. He saw everything else because everything was visible to him. Who I was, my values and feelings, my strengths and weaknesses. That was his goal all along.

  He read my texts and asked the questions because he saw the difference in me after her death. He always knew there was something going on with me and my life but, him being a teacher, he had to be professional about it. He could obviously show concern and do what he could to help his students. With how he is as a person, he needed more. He cared more and was more concerned about me than a teacher should have been. So he looked at my texts. And from there came the questions. Curiosity and worry from him too. No one ever cared enough to try as hard as he did to help.

  I felt a tear crawl down my cheek. Not for admitting to him what happened but because nobody ever tried or cared like he did.

  He looked desperate to know more and more. He wanted to know me and not just about me. I granted him that wish, knowing he deserved it but more because I wanted him to know me. I wanted him to unders
tand me. I couldn’t bring myself to care about the risk of getting too close to him.

  “Oh, Janice… you…” He shook his head, eyes closing for a second.

  I didn’t let him finish what he was trying to say. I was making a point. “You know my brother was arrested. Do you know for what?”

  His eyed widened as he realized how it got worse. “Your brother… No, he didn’t—”

  “He did. He killed my mom.”

  “Your father wants him out?!” he asked, outraged.

  I laughed harshly. “Why not? They did it together. It was my brother who was caught. Dad probably had just as much, if not more, to do with it.”

  His breath came fast, washing over my face. He stayed quiet, though, and I knew he was waiting for me to continue. I couldn’t disappoint him. I felt relief wash over me this whole time as I revealed this to him and I wanted more relief now. No matter the costs.

  I got relief, and he got answers. I explained everything to him. Told him about how close my mom and I were. How there were clear signs of us being a dysfunctional family. How my brother was sick and perverted and how my dad would drink and get angry. I explained to him that even with those signs, I didn’t understand why they did it. They were screwed up, and our family wasn’t perfect but why do that? I still wish I had answers. I told him about how I discovered she was dead and how that is a recurring dream. How I was tormented every day since then by my dad because he couldn’t have me telling anyone, like the way I was telling Mr. Rush right now.

  My mind and body felt so much lighter after I told him all the things I kept hidden. It appeared he felt the weight of it. His face was close to mine and unreadable. “You never went to anybody?” he asked with a note in his voice that said he was still processing my words.

  “No. I was scared, and I wanted him busted, yes, but I knew my mom wouldn’t want me getting myself killed for that. I planned to get back at him and Alex someday in the future. My dad deserves what he inflicted and if that means death for me, well I will know he got what was coming for him.”

  “Jesus Christ,” he whispered.

  With admitting this all to him… it opened up thoughts I pushed away. Opened up questions, hopes, and fears. It allowed me to ponder more over the whole thing. “I don’t know why they did it. I asked my dad why despite being scared of what his answer would be. He never told me,” I sighed. “It doesn’t matter anyway. They killed her. That is enough for me. I was hoping my brother stayed locked up but by now, dad might have gotten enough money.” Before he could ask, I clarified as much as I could about my brother in jail. “Alex must have made some mistake and was caught after dad called the cops, setting it up as if they found her that way. Alex wasn’t ready yet or something; I am not sure. I never got any details on why they did it or how. He never gave me specifics.”

  After I explained all that to him, I carefully observed the man before me. He searched my eyes in awe and worry. In amazement at the same time. It could be heard in his next words. “I… I can’t see how you are here.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Last fall, I noticed a change in you right away. But… you weren’t anything like how I figure one would be after that. I don’t see how you’re here, mentally strong. If I were you, I would be lost in my own mind. I wouldn’t be able to function.”

  “Then you see when I envy you?”

  My words made sense to him now. I heard a strangled noise come from his throat when he spoke. “Yeah, I do,” he said in a daze.

  It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that I told him. Though I was sure I sounded desperate for someone just to listen, which I was, I was glad he at least understood me there. Mr. Rush and his mother might not ever get that opportunity to speak to each other again. I just needed him to see and grasp the importance of what he had back home. Plus, for now, it might be easier to live with each other since we know more about each other. Or it could also make things harder. The risks in what I told him were still very clear.

  Chapter 16

  It was expected that things were going be awkward after what just went down. So I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t say much after that. I not only told him about my past and how he was giving up something precious with his mother, but I also told him exactly how I felt about Jill. In reaction to that, he was wearing a mask, hiding his feelings and opinions on everything I dumped on him. At least he now knew what my views were on his relationships, which I guess had good and bad sides to it.

  It was good because I felt so much better telling him everything. I’ve wanted to do that, and now, it was pure relief. It was bad because I knew how this looked to him. I never met Jill, and therefore, I guess I had no right to say such things. He probably thought I was a jealous girl with a schoolgirl crush on him.

  Right now, we were walking. Not a sound passed between us other than our breaths. We could thank the sun, the amount of time we have been walking, and the shit we were carrying. In the hours we have been walking, I drank two shells of water. It was not enough, but we had to save some for later.

  We noticed that the flint we had been carrying could be discarded. The further we walked parallel to the beach, the more sources of flint we found. It allowed him the space to shove the remaining shells of water into his pocket as he carried the bananas. That’s why now, I was the lucky one carrying just the spear.

  Besides dealing with that, there were no other words exchanged. We just continued walking under the shade of passing trees. The sun showed no mercy, especially towards my black shorts which attracted its rays even more. Not wearing a shirt wasn’t even helping. As more time passed as we moved… it became too much.

  We were walking only for a few hours when we had to stop. We collapsed to the ground in relief and ended up sitting against the biggest tree we could find blocking the sun. When our rapid breathing calmed, my eyes met his after avoiding them this whole time. I didn’t need to ask.

  Reaching into his pocket, he handed me a shell of water. Mr. Rush took one out for himself too. After tilting the opening up so the water wouldn’t spill, he picked the piece of clay out. I did the same and put it to my dry lips, tasting the wonderful warm water. It wasn’t just water I was swallowing either. Mr. Rush took this water in his mouth and drained it into the shell. It was gross but at the same time, as pathetic as it sounds, it was thrilling in a sense too.

  I must have blushed because when our eyes met, his gaze left mine and turned out towards the beach in a flash. I sighed. We were already fighting to live on an island. We didn’t need any more drama.

  “Look, Mr. Rush, I am sorry for calling Jill a bitch, okay?” I said in a hurry.

  He looked back to me and when he did, his eyes traveled down my body in a swift motion. I just barely saw it before his eyes returned to mine. I was still self-conscious, walking around him in shorts and only a bra. So with him specifically looking at me like that… I can only imagine how awful I must look. The heat was making me sweat terribly. It ran down me in droplets, burning my eyes. I forced my full attention to his response.

  “Huh? Oh… well, thank you, Janice,” he said, uncomfortable. He also looked guilty. It was enough to make me recognize what his mask was hiding.

  I offered a sad smile. “That isn’t even what you’re dwelling over,” I said, nodding to myself. “It’s your mom. You should know I didn’t mean to invade your personal life like that. I guess what you said just…” I trailed off and shook my head, not sure how to explain it to him.

  “Just hit you in a spot that was too much to ignore,” he finished for me.

  I nodded, and my sad smile was replaced with one of admiration towards him. “That is exactly it. I am sorry for the way I decided to tell you. The way I did it was childish.”

  “I am glad you did tell me, though,” he said firmly.

  “I figured you would have hated hearing what I said.”

  He thought for a minute before speaking. “It was quite disturbing hearing everything that
happened. I needed to, though. You deserved more credit than I gave you.” He lowered his eyebrows, framing his gaze as they turned caring. “I am truly sorry for you. I wish you had a life better than this. God, I never thought about what you said before. You’re right saying I am lucky to have a mother and father. Don’t regret anything you told me.”

  Hearing his sweet words were comforting and it lightened the tension. After each of us drank and ate one of the bananas, we were off once more.

  Now that we were looking for food as we walked, it made me wonder how much we missed before. Because not an hour in, actively looking paid off again. Way more than either of us expected.

  Our necks craned, we were able to take in a beautiful sight. The trees lining the border of where the grass and sand met offered more than useless shade. We stopped when we saw coconuts staring down at us from a tree. However, there was much more than that. Looking a few yards down from this tree stood another filled with coconuts too.

  I turned to Mr. Rush, who was smiling at our discovery. “I guess we won’t have to space the bananas out,” he said as we started up towards the trees again. I felt like excited as we started to tackle this obstacle. Having done it before, I let him know I could get them down this time too. However, Mr. Rush insisted though that he try again this time. After reminding him about how I did it, he was off the ground in no time and climbing.

  I was worried about him falling again on his back, but thankfully, that did not happen. Everything went smoothly. We were living on what felt close to nothing, and now we have more! We now have bananas and coconuts — enough so we don’t need to space it all out.

  We continued on to the next few trees, dragging our growing load with us. We managed to gain so many coconuts from the next few trees that it became too much. More is better, though, that’s for sure.

  A moment later, we found ourselves resting against a tree again. This time, though, it wasn’t a small break and snack. This was a feast, and I took advantage of it. With the bananas we split between us, I knew the smart thing would be to do what Mr. Rush was doing: taking time and savoring every bite. Nope, not me. I couldn’t stop myself.